Chapter 17: That’s why I told you not to do something you’ll regret

“Welcome…”
“Sorry, we came a little early. We didn’t want to just sit around outside after making the effort to meet up.”
“No… I was bored, so it’s good….”

Oh Minseo, appearing as soon as we rang the doorbell, greeted us with a smile and led us inside.
The gleaming marble floor and the elegant interior caught my eye as I entered. It was a luxurious villa, no matter how many times I saw it.

“Wow, what’s all this?”

Yu Garyeon’s jaw dropped as she saw the food on the table.

“Minseo, I told you not to prepare too much on your own. We were each supposed to bring a dish.”
“Ah… right…? Sorry, I just kept adding things…”

Oh Minseo smiled sheepishly at Lee Dasom’s comment.

“Well, more is better.”

Chae Seolha said, hiding the plastic bag she was holding behind her back. It contained the ingredients for budae jjigae.

“Unni.”
“Yeah?”
“Could you teach me how to make budae jjigae?”
“What, suddenly? And there’s so much food already, why budae jjigae? I’ll teach you later, today—”
“I want to eat the budae jjigae you make. I was really looking forward to it.”

Yu Garyeon said that and pushed Chae Seolha towards the kitchen. Soon, the sound of bubbling and the savory aroma of budae jjigae filled the house.

“…You don’t have to eat it if it doesn’t taste good.”

Chae Seolha muttered dejectedly as she placed the pot of budae jjigae on the table.
As if provoked by her words, Yu Garyeon, who was bringing out plates, glared at her.

“Unni!”
“Seolha, why are you doing this? I’m sure it’ll be delicious.”
“Yeah, it’s really good…”
“Then that’s good…”

Chae Seolha sighed in relief at the ensuing praise.
More dishes were placed on the table, and conversations blossomed. The earlier tense atmosphere had long since disappeared, as if it had never existed.

A foreign Christmas comedy movie was playing on the television.

“What’s wrong, Dojin? Sit down and eat. It’ll get cold.”
“Yeah… Stop just standing there…”

It was peaceful.
Everyone was immersed in the ordinary moment. Only I felt separated from that space.

“Pfft, yeah, we have to watch this at the end of the year.”

Chae Seolha muttered, munching on pizza. Her exaggerated behavior, more so than usual, told me that she hadn’t forgotten our appointment.
She was just pretending it never happened.

“Should we decorate our house like that too…? If a thief breaks in, we can install an iron on the ceiling like that, and bam…”
“I think finding a thief brave enough to break into this house would be more difficult.”

Actually, I had been thinking about it constantly. That my confession wouldn’t be accepted. That it would be cruelly rejected and scattered on the ground like in the past.
The confession was like a period. A period to the anxiety, the agony, the desire that constantly plagued my mind.

But at the same time, I clung to the slightest possibility, intoxicated by the unlikely fantasy.
That’s why I didn’t message Chae Seolha last night. Even as I was leaving the house this morning, I pushed the despairing possibility to the back of my mind and believed that something must have come up for her.

I never expected this outcome.

“Okay, pass the presents clockwise until the song ends~.”

A cheerful Christmas carol played from Lee Dasom’s smartphone. Wrapped boxes circulated in a circle.

“End!”
“Let’s open them…”

As soon as the carol ended, the sound of rustling filled the room.

“Ah, good. Dojin got it.”

Lee Dasom smiled brightly, seeing the box in my hand.

“He was staring at it so intently, I couldn’t not buy it for him. Send me a picture after you assemble it.”
“Yeah, thank you, Dasom.”

Dasom’s gift was a newly released plastic model. It was quite expensive, and I had been planning to save up my part-time job earnings to buy it.

“What were you going to do if someone else got it?”
“Hmm? It’s okay, I bought an extra one just in case.”
“No, I mean, he’s the only one here who enjoys plastic models.”
“Oh, then we can learn how to assemble it from Dojin and have fun together.”
“I-I see. Maybe I should start building plastic models too…”

Yu Garyeon fiddled with her fingers, looking as if she had realized something, at Lee Dasom’s answer.
Next, Oh Minseo opened her box.

“What is this… a badge…?”
“Ah, that. It’s a keychain I made.”

Yu Garyeon raised her hand and replied.

“Isn’t that our club logo…?”
“Yeah, I made it because it seemed like a waste to just leave the design unused. It’s like merchandise.”
“It’s pretty…”

Oh Minseo, her eyes sparkling like a child’s, shook the keychain back and forth. Yu Garyeon smiled faintly, looking proud.

“Let’s see, mine is… Gloves?”
“Ah, those are mine.”

As Lee Dasom touched the fur gloves that came out of the box, a cautious voice interrupted. It was Chae Seolha.

“Did you knit these yourself, Seolha?”
“Ahaha… I’m broke, so I tried knitting again after a long time. You don’t have to wear them if you don’t want to.”

“No way! They’re so pretty. They’re even prettier because you made them yourself. Thank you. Thanks to my cute younger sister, my hands won’t be cold this winter.”

Chae Seolha fiddled with her hair, looking embarrassed at Lee Dasom’s words.

“Seolha… Stop looking at other people’s gifts and open yours… quickly…”
“Huh? Oh, right.”

At Oh Minseo’s urging, Chae Seolha opened the box in her hand.

“These are gloves too. Wait, aren’t these from that brand? Channel.”
“You went to Glue after all… Good, I thought they would suit Seolha perfectly…”
“No, I-I can’t accept this. This is too expensive.”

Oh Minseo shook her head with a smile at Chae Seolha, who waved her hands in refusal.

“That much money is nothing compared to this club… Just put them on…”

Oh Minseo forcefully put the gloves on Chae Seolha, who still looked reluctant.

“Aw, so pretty… Make sure to wear them, okay…?”
“Yeah, thank you.”

Chae Seolha smiled faintly, stroking the gloves on her hands.

Suddenly, my hands felt cold. And the whole scene felt like a joke. The unpleasant feeling of continuing a dream I should have woken up from long ago gnawed at my mind.

“Wait… Then that must be the gift Dojin prepared for Garyeon…?”
“Garyeon, open it quickly.”
“Oh, y-yes.”

I couldn’t hear anything they were saying.

“This is… a fountain pen…?”
“He even had our names engraved on it. It’s really pretty.”
“O-Oppa. Thank you so much. I-I’ll treasure it forever—”

My eyes snapped open. An unpleasant sensation, like small fingers rummaging through my brain, pulsed through my temples. My lips were dry and burning.

I picked up a nearby bottle, brought it to my lips, and shook it. A stinging sensation, accompanied by a gurgling sound, spread across my tongue, and the lump in my throat began to dissolve.

I must have been dreaming. I always had the same dream before waking up. It was a routine now.

Yes, everything was the same. Just as the sun rises in the sky when I open my eyes, there was the film club and Chae Seolha at school. Watching movies, chatting at cafes, grumbling during late-night work sessions. An ordinary routine, a peaceful life, small moments of happiness.
Happy times, so enjoyable that they made the Christmas party seem insignificant, continued endlessly. That’s what Chae Seolha wanted, and I understood perfectly why.

But I couldn’t go back.

From the moment I decided to define my relationship with Chae Seolha, everything had changed. Chae Seolha tried to act like everything was normal, as if denying it, but there was a subtle tremor in her occasional arm around my shoulder, a faint fear in her eyes when she looked at me.
More than anything, she no longer wanted to be alone with me.

I felt like I had woken up from a dream. No, it would be more accurate to say that I had returned to reality.

The realization of reality was incredibly jarring. The things I had done with my friends, the things I had said, felt like nothing more than embarrassing fantasies.
I just felt sorry. I suddenly felt like I vaguely understood why Chae Seolha rejected my confession.

I even thought about slapping her. Then I was startled and lowered my head, ashamed of myself for even having such a thought.
Do I even have the right? Chae Seolha was my benefactor, the one who picked me up when I was living like a vagrant, practically my savior. It was a relationship that wouldn’t have even started if it weren’t for her.
But I still couldn’t shake the feeling that I was greedy.

After that, I stopped going to the film club. Because I felt a surge of something whenever I saw Chae Seolha’s face.
Since I no longer had a reason to go to school, I stopped attending classes too. No, I stopped going outside altogether. I only ate enough to survive, and only breathed enough to stay alive.

Everything I had done felt meaningless. My phone lay shattered in a corner of the room. I heard occasional knocks on the door, but I ignored them.

I was just sitting there, stunned, like a mutt kicked away after trying to mount a female dog.
The thoughts I had while sitting there were mostly the same. How did things become like this? I wasn’t like this when I was younger. As I delved into the past, I would inevitably reach the point where I met Chae Seolha, and then it would lead back to that night.

It was around that time that I started drinking. Because I realized that alcohol could take me back to the past. I began to focus on erasing the dark past that haunted me.

But it was all just a pipe dream. No matter how hard I tried to change the past, the dream couldn’t know what I didn’t know. Everything repeated itself, and I ruined everything once again.

As I was about to take another drink, overwhelmed by anxiety, I heard an electronic beep from somewhere. It was the sound of the door unlocking.
I looked up at the entrance and saw my father standing there. The school must have contacted him because I hadn’t been attending classes.

My father looked around the house in silence for a moment, then—

“You pathetic excuse for a son.”

He left after saying those words. He didn’t ask why I was shutting myself in. More than that, he didn’t even look at my face. I just felt sorry, as always.

I dragged myself to the computer and turned it on. Then I applied for military enlistment.
I thought it would be less of a burden on my parents if I went to the army instead of wasting time. Besides, in two years, Chae Seolha would have graduated. There was no reason not to go.

On enlistment day, various types of people gathered at the entrance of the training center: families hugging and crying, couples holding hands and gazing at each other, reluctant to part, young men teasing and making fun of their friend who was enlisting.
I was alone.

Overwhelmed by a chilling sensation that tightened my chest, I was about to hurry towards the entrance of the training center when someone grabbed my shoulder.

“D-Dojin. Is that you, Dojin?”

It was Chae Seolha. She was panting, catching her breath as if she had been running. Then, she smiled brightly at me, as if nothing was wrong, and spoke.

“Geez, you! Even if you’re going to the army, you should tell us when you’re leaving.”
“Why are you here?”

My voice, colder than I expected, came out of my throat. But Chae Seolha continued, her expression playful.

“Why? To see you off, of course. You haven’t been coming to school lately, so I thought you must have received your draft notice and had a mental breakdown. But you should have told us, everyone was worried about you.”

Chae Seolha said in a cheerful voice, patting my shoulder. She looked exactly like the her from my everyday memories.
A strange feeling of discomfort crept up my neck.

“You know, Chae Seolha.”
“Yeah?”
“This is uncomfortable.”

The light in Chae Seolha’s eyes disappeared. She tried to maintain a smile, but her lips started trembling.

“…Why?”

Instead of answering, I looked directly into Chae Seolha’s eyes to convey my message. Her eyes, trying to maintain an innocent look as if she didn’t know anything, began to tremble like her lips, and then she closed them tightly.

“Yeah, I know… I know why you’re doing this.”

Chae Seolha muttered, her head down.

“But I don’t want to lose something too!”

Chae Seolha shouted and then bit her lip, as if saying those words was incredibly humiliating.

“I tried, didn’t I? To make things less awkward for you, to adjust to your situation—”
“That’s just your wishful thinking.”

Chae Seolha’s shoulders flinched at my words. But it was only for a moment. She glared at me with anger in her eyes.

“…So?”
“What?”
“So what do you want me to do? After everything I’ve done for you. Can’t you at least grant me this one favor?”

Chae Seolha’s face contorted with anger.

“But… why are you deciding everything on your own? Why are you only thinking about yourself and not how I feel?”

Perhaps my confession was a huge betrayal to Chae Seolha. Maintaining a comfortable distance, the film club’s routine continuing without anyone changing—that’s what she wanted.

“Is that so?”

But it was a different matter to treat my feelings like a bomb that shouldn’t be embraced.
That wasn’t caring, it was a hypocritical and cruel doll play that insulted my feelings. Even if I owed Chae Seolha countless favors, I couldn’t accept that.

…I never dreamed I would be subjected to such coercion by you, of all people.

“I can’t deny what exists.”

I now felt an immense hatred for the woman in front of me.

“Yes, I can say it again and again. That day, in front of the clock tower, I—”
“Aaah—!”

An earsplitting scream assaulted my eardrums. Chae Seolha covered her ears with both hands, closed her eyes, and continued screaming, as if she didn’t want to hear my words.

“…I kept waiting for you. Because I wanted to tell you I like you.”
“Aaah—! Aaack—! Aaaaaack—!”

The words I couldn’t say that day, the words I had kept hidden in my heart, were swallowed by Chae Seolha’s screams.
My heart was torn to shreds and scattered on the ground.

I decided to leave.

“Where are you going? We’re not done yet.”

Chae Seolha grabbed my arm.

“I told you not to go.”

Even when I shook her off, her hand grabbed me again and again.

“…Yu Dojin, I think you’re misunderstanding something, so let me tell you.”

Her sharply filed nails dug into my flesh with a crunching sound.

“You’re gloomy and creepy to the point of making me want to throw up just by talking to you. Your thoughts, your values, they’re all disgusting. And you’re not even good-looking. You’re cowardly for a man, which is annoying. Your only hobby is watching movies and crying by yourself. You’re incredibly boring to be around. You only know how to receive and never give back.”

Chae Seolha’s icy voice pierced my heart.

“You know… where do you think someone like that would be accepted? You were bullied before, right? Even your parents hate you, right? I bet you’ll be ostracized in the army too.”

I couldn’t say anything. Chae Seolha, as if pitying me, gently caressed my bruised arm and continued.

“Do you hate me? Well, I can’t help it if you do. But you know, I’m the only one who can accept someone like you. The only place you belong is by my side. So stop being stubborn and apologize before you regret it. Say you were wrong. Say you’re sorry. Say you’ll come back.”

Sweet, yet barbed words, like those used to scold a misbehaving child, whispered in my ears.

“If you don’t, you’ll be truly alone.”

I pushed away the woman’s hand with more force than ever. She stumbled for a moment, then smiled at me and spoke.

“I’ll be waiting for your call.”

****

I did my best. To prove Chae Seolha wrong, and at the same time, because I was afraid her curse-like words would come true.

Fortunately, I adapted well to the military. Thanks to the inherent regularity and structure of the military, I was able to fit in more easily than in any other organization I had experienced. The other soldiers were all good people, too.

There were no worries, no anxieties, no need to stay up all night trying to interpret hidden meanings.
I woke up at the designated time, finished the assigned tasks and training, and went to bed at the designated time. That was it. As long as I didn’t break the rules, my place was secure.
I liked that very much.

But after a few months, I started experiencing an unknown chest pain. A sharp, intense pain, as if a press was crushing my chest.

At first, I didn’t think much of it. I just thought it was temporary fatigue from the hard training. But the pain increased in frequency and intensity as days went by.
I visited the military hospital just in case, but they just told me there was nothing wrong with my body.

The cause of the chest pain that had been tormenting me for months was revealed through a trivial incident.

One evening, I returned from smoking with a few fellow soldiers, and the barracks were filled with laughter. They were apparently enjoying a variety show on television.
As soon as the senior soldier finished explaining, a wave of laughter swept through the barracks. I remember laughing uproariously myself.

That night, as I was once again suffering from the crushing chest pain, I tried to recall that moment. I thought I could alleviate the pain by remembering that funny scene and laughing heartily.
But I couldn’t remember it. I had clearly seen it with my own eyes just a few hours ago, but I couldn’t recall it at all.

That’s when I realized I hadn’t actually been watching television.

Then what was I laughing at? What did I do to laugh so hard? I just… I had to laugh then. That’s what I thought.

No, it wasn’t just the laughter.
I consistently participated in soccer, even though I didn’t enjoy it; I pretended to be touched by poorly made holiday special movies; I pretended to be enthusiastic about girl groups I didn’t even know the names of; I chatted enthusiastically with people whose interests didn’t align with mine; I turned a blind eye to practices that felt unfair—I did all those things because I thought I had to.

Because I wanted to fit in with them, to share a common value, to feel reassured through sharing.
I was heavily armed. A helmet covering my head, a heavy combat backpack, tightly laced boots.
The thing crushing my chest was the bulletproof vest I was wearing to protect myself from unexpected attacks. Even here, where everyone was relaxing comfortably in their casual clothes, I was on constant alert, fully equipped.

If I took off this equipment, if I took off everything that was hiding my true face, would my comrades recognize me?
I didn’t know. What I did know was that, just as soldiers who refused to wear their gear in wartime were punished, I too wouldn’t be able to avoid punishment.

I thought I was acting normal, spending time at the film club.
But that was an incredibly arrogant delusion. I was just pretending to change, pretending to make an effort. I was masturbating with the bare minimum changes I could handle.

In the end, making friends, realizing the joy of human connection—all of that was possible only because of Chae Seolha. Those things wouldn’t have happened if she hadn’t turned a blind eye to my laziness. She was showing me a kind of mercy.

Of course, there must be people who are compatible with me somewhere in this world, even if it’s not Chae Seolha. But I didn’t know where they were.
Would I have the time, or even the opportunity, to search for such people after graduating from college, the last frontier where I could form pure, human-to-human relationships?
How long would I have to wander through the fog, carrying this unbearably heavy equipment?

I suddenly felt afraid. Unbearably afraid.

—If you don’t, you’ll be truly alone.

I struggled harder than ever, as if denying the emotions churning within me, but Chae Seolha’s words clung to me like a curse, choking me.
It was the moment my pathetic struggle came to an end. No, it was a fight I couldn’t win from the beginning.

A few weeks later, unable to bear the excruciating pain that now threatened to burst my heart, I called Chae Seolha. It was time to pledge my obedience.

“I told you not to do anything you’d regret.”

A strange smile played on her lips as she looked at me, my head bowed like a defeated soldier.

****

A familiar place, familiar people, established relationships, relationships that flowed smoothly without effort. Such a peaceful daily life continued. Or tried to.

But just as cracks don’t disappear from a broken glass glued back together, I finally realized it. That just as my relationship with Chae Seolha had changed after that day, everyone’s relationships had changed from the moment I left the film club.

The possibility of breaking, the mere existence of that possibility, had already transformed it into something entirely different from the film club I used to know.

Now that I think about it, the other members must have sensed it too, vaguely, instinctively.
But no one spoke up. Because they were afraid that something would change if they did, and that small change would eventually lead to a rupture.

So they continued the false routine. They each eliminated, in their own way, anything that could cause a rift.
They became obsessively fixated on maintaining the relationships, forgetting the very reasons they cherished those relationships in the first place. Even though they knew the cracks were deepening, they were more concerned with superficial conversations, pretending to understand, and maintaining appearances than finding a fundamental solution.

This is wrong. I thought that, but at the same time, I didn’t actively seek a solution, afraid of being alone. Even when I impulsively left the company, driven by vague emotions, I just hoped that others would understand me.

But I shouldn’t have. If you truly cherish something, you should be willing to endure the pain of walking on shards of glass for its sake.
I realized that simple truth, only now.

“…Wh-What are you talking about?”
“I said I liked you, Chae Seolha.”

So I won’t hesitate anymore.