Chapter 166: Apology – 5

My body hurts so much.

It feels like I’m freezing cold one moment, then burning hot the next.

Sometimes, it feels like I’ve been in pain my whole life, and yet everything seems to happen in such a short span of time.

When was the last time I felt this much pain?

Ah, that’s right.

It was when I was first beaten by the three of them.

Memories come rushing back to my world, which was filled only with pain.

When I first entered the punishment unit without knowing anything, they stomped on me as part of my initiation.

Before that, I had grown up gently, but I faced the first violence, a violent force formed from pure evil.

If I had a sin, it was being born the son of the Alan family.

I had no grievances, so I just accepted it as it was.

I remember how much my body hurt back then.

But now, why does my body hurt so much?

I feel like I’ve forgotten something important.

My thoughts don’t seem to straighten out, like a fog is clouding my mind.

The more I struggle with pain, the more memories return.

Yes.

I left my hometown and continued my life in a foreign land.

Training every day.

Fighting every day.

Doing menial tasks every day.

Listening to gossip every day.

I lived in a place where I had no one to rely on.

The emotion I felt as these memories returned was pain.

I acted like it didn’t bother me, but now that I think about it, it was all just an act.

The training was painful.

The fights were painful.

The menial tasks were humiliating, and the gossip left wounds.

I missed my mother and father.

I missed my siblings.

At this point, I even missed the maids and servants of Alan Castle.

I was lonely.

Thinking about this, I feel like I can understand the pain I’m feeling in my body now.

I must have always been in pain.

I had just forgotten for a moment, but maybe this was how I’ve always been.

…But the nagging feeling that I’ve forgotten something keeps lingering.

There’s something very important missing from my life.

Was my life really this difficult?

Was it always just pain?

…Then why didn’t I give up?

I should have given up, it seemed.

Memories followed one after another as I looked back on my life.

Is this what they call a life flashing before your eyes?

But if that’s the case, it feels like everything is moving so slowly.

And again, the nagging feeling that I’ve forgotten something.

I want to remember, but there’s this complex emotion that makes me not want to.

I ran into the massive flames that swallowed the castle in the foreign land.

A burning wooden pillar fell on my back, and my flesh melted.

Again, it was nothing but pain.

I wanted to scream.

Why was I doing this?

I can’t remember.

The memory of hunting the dragon comes back.

I froze, my body trembling, at the dragon’s scream and its sharp eyes… but I didn’t show it.

Even when I rode the dragon’s body and soared into the sky, I was filled with questions.

Why was I doing this?

Again, I don’t remember.

Countless assassins appeared before me.

I hadn’t lived many days, and I still had so many regrets in the world.

I wanted to meet my family again, I wanted to taste good food.

Honestly, I even wanted to sleep with a woman.

It seemed too wasteful to die without experiencing that.

Yet, I didn’t retreat from the assassins.

Why?

After that, the war broke out.

Even though I had the chance to meet my family again… I refused and went to the battlefield.

I had to watch my comrades die horribly.

I had to kill people and keep moving forward.

I still don’t remember why.

It was just painful.

“…Haha.”

Looking back, it feels like I lived like a fool.

It seems like my life was filled only with pain.

But why couldn’t I give up?

In a moment of impulse, I struggled.

Then, it felt like my body melted into a new form, and more intense pain came to me.

My whole body stiffened and I couldn’t move.

The only thing I could move was my eyelids.

Swoosh.

I struggled to open my eyes, and I understood my situation.

I must have been lying down with serious injuries.

Through my blurry vision, I saw the silhouette of a person.

“Kailo-sama”

Who was it?

…Ah.

…Gisela Lute.

That’s right.

She’s supposed to be my fiancée.

Was the thing I had forgotten her?

…No, that doesn’t seem right.

There’s something missing.

She seemed surprised, but that’s all my strength could manage.

My body hurt so much.

I wanted to go back.

Enduring this pain is too harsh.

As I closed my eyes, my consciousness escaped that horrific body once again.

The pain and agony still remained, but it was better than before.

In this world where only I exist, I sighed.

For some reason, I knew it was the right path to return to that body, but… I didn’t want to.

The world I remember was too hard and painful.

And now, the pain that body brings seems a little frightening.

If my father had been there, would he have pretended not to notice and pulled me back?

…Well, that father is not here anymore.

There was nothing to worry about.

As I settled into the situation, memories began to spiral again.

After the war, for some reason, I returned to my hometown.

There are so many gaps in my memory.

I know that something I want to remember lies in this gap.

Continuing life in the north, I met Gisela again, but… the emotions I felt earlier weren’t a lie.

I felt no great joy.

Instead, I was more moved when I met my siblings again.

Kayla.

Eleanor.

Reginald.

Ragon.

Kayla and Eleanor followed me as before.

Reginald admired me and begged me to teach him how to use a sword.
Ragon, who had never received affection from my father, began to shed his timid personality as he received affection from me.

Ah.

It seems I had forgotten about my siblings.

The moment that thought came to me, I took a deep breath, held my breath, and gathered strength in my body.

My mind once again melted into the body of my former self.

Would this be the pain of putting my body into the fire?

Even then, I had no strength to make a face, and all I could do was lift my eyelids.

“Brother…? Brother!!”

There seemed to be some barrier between us, as Kayla’s voice echoed.

That’s right, my little sister…

I tried to get up, but I had no strength in my body.

My consciousness flickered.

This time, without my will, my consciousness flowed out of my body.

A deep sigh escaped.

…I guess it’s not going to work.

Should I try harder?

If what I had forgotten were my younger siblings… it was regrettable, but the moment I saw Kayla’s face, I felt relief.

Even if she hadn’t done so yet, I was sure that Kayla would treat my siblings well.

Until now, she must have been struggling, focusing on preserving the family name.

Also, Reginald and Ragon had taken their first steps.

Even without me, I was sure the two of them would grow up to be impressive.

I’m sorry, but I wanted to be a little selfish.

I didn’t want to hurt anymore.

I felt bad for my siblings, but they too carried the name of the Alan family.

Just as I did, they would be able to move forward.

They wouldn’t stray too far off the path.

They would be fine.

I was so tired.

Now, really, I just wanted to rest, even if it was only for a short while.

At that thought, my body started to fall, sinking down.

It continued to sink deeper.

The pain slowly left my body.

The suffering subsided, and my emotions calmed down.

The pressure that had been weighing on my shoulders gradually eased.

I felt more and more at peace.

My strength faded away.

It felt good.

Really good.

Not bad at all.

***

Kailo’s condition worsened day by day.

Suddenly, it started to deteriorate rapidly.

He seemed like a person who had lost the will to fight.

He seemed like someone who had given up.

He could no longer swallow food properly.

Gisela, unable to bear seeing Kailo, who now exuded the scent of death, could no longer control her emotions in front of him.

She would often cry or tremble.

She could no longer continue caring for Kailo.

In that gap, Vivian stepped in.

She too shed tears and her hands trembled.

But because she felt that if she gave up, it would all be over, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

Her determination was different from Gisela’s.

Gisela had the family that raised her with care.

Though she felt jealousy, she had a kind nature, and there were many who worried about her.

However, for Vivian, there was only Kailo.

Just Kailo.

Even though her body trembled and her heart felt like it would tear apart, even though she could see Kailo’s future fading away, she swallowed her tears and forced her trembling hands to stay steady, caring for him.

“The weather is nice again today, Kailo.”

Vivian spoke to him as usual, even though his skin had begun to darken.

He had never responded, but today it felt like he was even more silent than usual.

With her emotions swelling, Vivian clenched her lips tight.

Kailo hated it when she cried.

So, she forced her lips, which had begun to quiver, to curl upward.

The person she loved most was dying, and she had to smile.

“Spring is coming. Shouldn’t you take me out on a day like this?”

Silence.

“Let’s go throw stones in the river like we used to. We haven’t done that in a while.”

Silence.

“No, I suppose that’s too much to ask? You’re going to have a fiancé, after all. Then… well… I guess just a walk would be nice.”

Silence again.

Even without an answer, Vivian kept talking, as if struggling to break through.

The more Kailo’s condition worsened, the more she tried to speak to him.

But the more she tried, the harder it became to endure.

The reality of Kailo dying hit her deeply.

Vivian went to his side and touched his body.

The once healthy body was now withering away.

Wounds that should have healed were now worsening.

His lips were dry, and his cheeks were hollow. He was dying.

Thud… thud…

The tears that she had been trying to hold back fell.

Could she have ever imagined loving him this much?

Vivian forced her lips upward, putting on an odd expression, and spoke honestly.

She hadn’t wanted to appear weak, but her true nature came through.

“Kailo, I’d be happy just being your friend…”

She meant it.

Perhaps, she had already been punished.

Punished for her jealousy of Gisela. So, she said it.

“I’ll just be content hearing from you from afar… sometimes…”

She whispered to him, who remained silent.

“…Can’t you just make it through this?”

Kailo had started opening his eyes more frequently.

More people were there when he opened his eyes.

First, Gisela.

Then, Kayla.

Afterward, a few of the maids…

Each time, Vivian was not there, and each time, Kailo’s condition worsened.

Opening his eyes didn’t mean his body would get better.

On the contrary, it seemed like he used all the remaining energy in his body just to open his eyes.

After using that energy several times, his body became even worse.

Vivian, sobbing, lay on his bed and held his hand.

She cried for a long time in front of him.

***

For a moment, consciousness returned.

How much time had passed since I entrusted my body to comfort?

I didn’t even know how time had passed.

But I didn’t really want to think about it.

The current situation, free of pain, was so satisfying…

No, it wasn’t satisfaction; something still clung to my heart.

It felt like something unfinished was lingering, bothering me.

It was like a fishbone stuck in my throat.

Like something stuck between my teeth.

I felt like I didn’t need to pay attention to it, yet it was hard to ignore it entirely.

There was definitely something I had forgotten.

At first, I thought it was my younger siblings.

But after recalling them, the discomfort remained, so it wasn’t them.

With Kayla around, I wasn’t really worried about them.

Could it be my father?

No, it didn’t seem to be him.

My father told me to act comfortably.

As an unfilial child, I was inclined to do so.

The pain and suffering had been so overwhelming that comfort felt so good.

Could it be my friends?

They weighed on my mind, but that didn’t relieve the discomfort.

Something was missing.

I had forgotten something more important.

And I couldn’t recall that something important.

I was waiting.

For a realization to come to me all at once.

Then, I would surely be able to let go of this lingering feeling.

I was still enduring discomfort, caught in this feeling of unease.

I could just give up and feel better, but this curiosity wouldn’t let me.

I couldn’t give up until I understood it.

“…It’s coming.”

-Shouldn’t you take me out in this weather?

Then, a voice filled with nostalgia rang in my ears.

The moment I heard that voice, my heart seemed to beat wildly.

It was such a familiar voice.

Faintly, I knew that this was the important thing I had forgotten.

-Let’s throw pebbles into the river again like before. I realize it’s been a while.

Throwing pebbles?

I’m not a child anymore.

Who is saying such silly things?

-No. Could it be too much to ask? You’ll have a fiancé, so… Well… I think just a walk will be fine.

A fiancé… it must be Gisela.

But judging by what was said, this person seems to be less familiar than Gisela.

…But contrary to that assumption, my instincts told me something different.

Behind the bright voice was pain, and I could feel it.

If it had been anyone else, I surely wouldn’t have noticed that emotion.

But with this voice, I could understand it.

Who was it?

Who was it?

It felt like someone incredibly important to me.

Someone I shouldn’t have forgotten.

A fear rose within me, as if knowing would hurt me.

I felt like the moment I understood, pain would follow.

My life had been a series of agonies, and I sensed this voice had something to do with it.

But I couldn’t let go.

The curiosity was driving me crazy.

Between the sticky disgust, I could sense a deeper emotion hidden beneath.

…Just once more.

Let me return to that painful body once more.

I felt like if I opened my eyes this time, I could erase this discomfort.

And when my curiosity is resolved, I can relax.

I knew that as soon as my curiosity was resolved, I would probably regret it…

But still, I didn’t want to give up.

I squeezed out every last bit of strength from the body left behind.

My whole body felt like it was being torn apart with excruciating pain.

But once again, my eyelids gained strength.

I opened my eyes.

A warm sensation was felt from my hand.

I weakly moved my eyes.

“Ugh… huu…”

…A sound I hated first filled my ears.

Yet, I smiled when I heard it.

My eyes had found its source.

Flowing red hair.

The scent of blooming flowers.

Ah.

I let out a bitter laugh.

Now all the questions were answered.

Why I had lived such a painful life.

And how I was able to endure it.

As the curiosity cleared, a cool breeze blew through my chest.

How could I have forgotten you?

“…Every… day…”

She flinched at her own voice.

And yet, she couldn’t bring herself to look at me.

She was afraid.

She was trembling as she had before.

“…You’re so… pitiful…”

She opened her mouth and looked up at me.

Her red eyes were trembling.

“…You can’t… leave…?”

The words “you wretched girl” echoed in my mind.

I truly felt like I would go crazy with hatred for her.

Once again, she wouldn’t let me rest.

“Kailo…?”

She was always alone like this, and I couldn’t resist reaching out to her.

I was so irritated.

If I reached out, I knew I would have to endure the pain to help her stand up.

I felt pathetic staying by her side when she still couldn’t do anything on her own.

But I couldn’t leave.

Even though my body ached so much, and I wanted to close my eyes, I knew that if I did, she would be alone.

With no family, no one left…

She would be crying somewhere else like this again.

This pitiful woman, that was her weapon.

And that weapon worked so well on me.

My eyes slowly closed.

But I gathered strength and opened them again.

I found the reason to endure the pain.

Vivian couldn’t believe what she was seeing.

I had once told her how strong I was.

It had been a boast, but I had kept it up all this time.

Even now, it was the same.

Even if I wanted to give up, I wouldn’t show it.

To her, who still couldn’t gather her wits, I said,

“…Water.”

I had to continue the struggle.

“…Water… bring it… Vivian.”