Chapter 160: Desire

Had I ever seen my mother so flustered before?

Her gaze was fixed on my gaping mouth, trembling as if an earthquake had struck.

“T-Tina… Am I understanding this correctly?”

“Yes, in my… mouth…”

“M-Mouth…”

Even her voice quivered with uneven breaths. She seemed quite taken aback.

“Do you not like it…? I just want to help you, Mother…”

“That’s not the issue here…”

Mid-sentence, as if something suddenly occurred to her, Artasha’s eyes widened, and she grabbed my shoulders.

“Don’t tell me… Did that noblewoman or the saintess make you do this!?”

“Huh?”

“Be honest with me, Tina.”

In my mother’s stormy blue eyes, a shadow of murderous intent flickered.

“N-No… There’s no way I’d say something like this to anyone else…”

“…Really?”

“Yes, because you’re special, Mother. That’s why I told you.”

As soon as I finished speaking, Mother’s eyes wavered again. A faint blush crept over her pale skin.

She closed her eyes tightly for a moment. Then, as if regaining her composure, she offered her usual gentle smile.

“Tina, you really don’t have to go that far for me. Going to the bathroom isn’t such a big deal.”

She gently stroked my hair. Though subtle, I could feel her fingertips trembling slightly.

“Please… cherish yourself a little more.”

“It won’t hurt me… And if it’s for you, Mother, I really don’t mind—”

“Tina!!”

Startled, my body flinched at her sudden outburst.

It was the first time.

The first time Mother had ever raised her voice at me.

“Tina, that’s enough.”

“M-Mother…”

“It’s late. Get some sleep.”

She carefully laid me down on the bed and slowly stood up.

As she stepped out of the bedroom, I was left alone in bed.

“……”

I blankly stared at the door she had walked through.

As I sat there in silence, a single hot tear welled up in my eye.

Mother had firmly rejected me.

She had always indulged my whims, but this time, she coldly pushed me away.

How much did she despise it? How repulsive must I have been to her?

I curled up under the blankets, burying my face. I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring out.

I was scared.

What if, because of this, Mother’s heart drifted away from me?

I couldn’t live without her. I wasn’t capable of surviving without her love.

‘Idiot…! You idiot…!’

I felt disgusted by my past self.

What on earth had I done? Looking back now, the words I had spoken were far from what a daughter should say to her mother.

Blinded by the selfish desire to create a special memory with her, I had made an irreversible mistake.

Drowning in deep regret and loneliness, I swallowed my trembling breaths along with my tears.

Just as I buried my face into the pillow—

The bedroom door softly creaked open, and Mother quietly stepped inside.

“…My dear, are you asleep?”

A cautious voice. But I couldn’t muster the courage to answer.

Terrified, I buried my face deeper into the pillow and pretended to sleep.

“My daughter.”

She gently leaned over me, drawing near.

The warmth of her soft bosom pressed against my back, the sensation unmistakably clear.

Mother’s arms carefully wrapped around my waist.

Almost like the tender back hug shared between lovers.

“It was wrong of me to raise my voice at you. I was just too overwhelmed.”

But I was the one who messed up.

Yet, it was always Mother who reached out first.

“I wasn’t angry at you, Tina. I was… angry at myself.”

Her words were hard to understand. Unable to hold back, I turned my head to look at her.

When our eyes met, Mother smiled faintly and gently wiped my tear-streaked cheeks.

“Making my own daughter cry… What a terrible mother I am.”

“N-No… It was my fault.”

“You did nothing wrong.”

With a soft smile, she pulled me into a tight embrace.

My face naturally buried itself in the warmth of her chest.

“Why… were you angry at yourself?”

I lifted my head slightly, peering up at her from between her arms.

Mother hesitated before answering.

“…Because I did something unforgivable.”

“What was it?”

I wanted to know the reason she had yelled at me for the first time.

If I didn’t understand why, I felt like I wouldn’t be able to sleep properly.

“Tina, it’s not something I should tell you. Just… know that it was my mistake.”

“Please, Mother… I’m begging you. If you don’t tell me… I’ll just keep feeling anxious…”

At the tremor in my voice, Mother’s eyes wavered visibly.

“Tina.”

“I—I was scared… scared that you might hate me. I couldn’t stop worrying…”

My breathing grew uneven, and Mother fidgeted uneasily before carefully stroking my hair.

It was as if she was trying desperately to calm me down.

“T-Tina… Don’t be afraid.”

“Can’t you tell me? Please… Please, Mom…”

Pleading with all my heart, I let the last word slip out in an almost childish whimper. Mother’s eyes shook again.

“…If I tell you, you’ll surely be disappointed in me.”

“That’s impossible!”

This time, I shouted.

Disappointed in her? Even if the world split in two, that would never happen.

“Tell me… Please, Mom.”

“……”

Mother clenched her eyes shut. After a deep sigh, she finally parted trembling lips.

“I… felt desire for you.”

“…What?”

“Exactly as I said.”

I wasn’t so naïve as to not understand what she meant.

“You mean… you felt sexual desire for me?”

“…It’s shameful, but yes. And not just now.”

Her darkened eyes filled with pain as she continued.

“Watching myself become this kind of… disgusting mother was unbearable.”

I had no idea.

Mother had always indulged my affection, and I had taken it for granted.

“H-How long… have you felt this way?”

“Since the first time I accidentally kissed you.”

That long ago?

But Mother had never once shown any sign of such desire toward me.

Had she been hiding these feelings all this time?

“It wasn’t every moment. Most of the time, I truly saw you as my daughter.”

She quickly added, as if to reassure me.

“But… sometimes, you were just too tempting.”

I had always clung to her, spoiled her with affection—and there were moments I worried if she might find me exhausting.

From a mother’s perspective, I must have been nothing more than an obligation—someone she had to care for out of duty.

But the emotions she harbored for me were the complete opposite.

Desire.

That sticky, tenacious longing one feels for the opposite sex. Mother confessed that she felt it for me.

“Daughter.”

Mother tightly grasped my hand. In that touch, I could feel her desperation.

“I’m sorry for being this kind of mother. But believe me, there were far more times when I loved you simply as my daughter.”

“…”

“So… to keep myself from loving you in ‘that’ way, to stop myself from doing something I’d regret…”

Mother hesitated for a long time, her lips trembling. Finally, through that pained expression, she spoke.

“I need you… to keep a little distance from me.”

How strange.

More than the fact that Mother felt desire for me, it was her plea for me to stay away that shook me more deeply.

In fact, knowing she felt that way about me made my heart flutter.

There was something I desperately wanted to hear from her.

Even though I knew I shouldn’t ask, I couldn’t hold back.

“Mother… can I ask you one thing?”

“Go ahead.”

She looked at me with a resolve that seemed prepared for anything.

“Have you ever… felt this way about ‘other’ Tina?”

“Huh?”

“I mean… toward your ‘real’ daughter… did you ever…?”

“O-Of course not!”

Mother frantically waved her hands, her face clearly flustered.

“I’ve never felt anything like that for her!”

“But I’m your daughter too… yet you felt it for me.”

“It’s not about whether you’re my daughter or not. It’s just… a difference in personality.”

“A difference in personality?”

“Tina, you might not realize it, but… you and her were completely different.”

“How so?”

“She was just… an ordinary girl. No different from any other young lady…”

Mother hesitated for a moment before carefully continuing.

“But you, Tina… you’re excessively feminine.”

“…Me?”

“Yes. Even as another woman, I can see it—you’re overwhelmingly more feminine than anyone else.”

Should I take that as a compliment? Even though I used to be a man in my past life.

“Then, Mother… if I had been your real daughter, would you still have… desired me?”

“…Huh?”

“If I were the child you gave birth to, with this same personality… would you still have felt this way about me?”

If the answer was no, that would mean she didn’t truly see me as her daughter.

That even if she accepted me as one, she didn’t consider me her own.

“…Are you trying to make me out to be the worst mother in the world?”

But her answer wasn’t what I expected.

“Even if you had been born from my own body… if you were still you, I think… I would have ended up feeling the same way.”

Thump— thump—

My heart raced uncontrollably.

Maybe it was a hallucination, but it felt like little heart-shaped hues were floating around Mother, soft and dreamy.

‘Ah, as I thought…’

I love Mother more than anyone else in the world.

“Mother… why are you struggling so much?”

Gently, I wrapped my hand around hers, interlacing our fingers.

“…Daughter?”

“Is it really so painful… to feel desire for me?”

“What are you— Of course it is! As a mother, I…”

“No, Mother.”

Thank you, Mother.

“Thank you for accepting me as your daughter.

Thank you for loving me as much as your own daughter.

So please, give me a chance to be filial to you.

“Mother, I’m a creation made by you, after all.”

“…Huh?”

“You worked hard to bring me into this world, so why can’t you do as you wish with me?”

I smiled gently and softly ran my hand over my mother’s lower abdomen, as if tickling her.

“You made me here, didn’t you?”

“…….”

Holding her hand, I slowly pulled our interlocked fingers toward me.

Then, I placed them over my chest.

Looking at my mother with languid eyes, I whispered,

“…It all belongs to you.”

At the sound of my teasing voice, the rationality in my mother’s eyes gradually faded away.