Chapter 16: Why is he like this today?

A long time ago, my confession ruined everything. A built-up relationship crumbled, and an innocent girl’s life was completely twisted.
For a very long time, I was haunted by that incident, drowning in an endless tide of guilt. The act of liking someone felt like a sin. I couldn’t imagine a future where someone would like me back.

But at some point, I realized I was thinking about Seolha, staring at her face whenever I had the chance.
Even when I slept, I replayed our conversations in my mind, waiting for the dawn to break.

My world, once filled with silence and guilt, was now painted with the colors of Chae Seolha.

“It’ll be okay.”

Before going out, I stood in front of the mirror and double-checked my outfit and hairstyle.

A khaki knit and cream jeans, topped with a black robe coat. A carefully coordinated outfit, casual yet fitting for the quiet winter atmosphere. I even got my hair trimmed at the salon.

“It’ll be fine.”

Meeting Seolha alone wasn’t anything new, but meeting her on Christmas Eve was a different story altogether. The pressure felt different.
Was there any dust on my clothes? Did my hairstyle look strange?
Despite being ready long ago, I stood in front of the mirror, checking myself repeatedly, driven by anxiety.

The meeting time was 7:30 p.m., the place was in front of the clock tower in the park behind Seolha’s apartment.
A simple plan, like always: a leisurely stroll around the neighborhood, a movie at the theater, a chat at a newly opened cafe nearby, and then parting ways.

All I had to do was add one sentence to that simple plan: I like you.
Yes, just those three words…

I’m scared.
So scared that my insides trembled.

But I couldn’t keep trembling forever. The desire to monopolize Seolha, as the one and only, was stronger than my fear.
No matter what, I was going to confess to Seolha today.

So let’s go.
Open the door and take that step.

I boarded the rattling subway and headed to the meeting place. Many people were holding hands, chatting, and laughing.

<…Station. The doors will open on the left, left side.>

After getting off the subway, I bought an umbrella at a convenience store as the snowfall intensified.
After walking for a few minutes, I saw a wooden sign with the park’s name. A few cars and a police car, presumably on patrol, were parked in the parking lot.

Leaving them behind, I carefully climbed the wooden stairs step by step. The stairs were slightly steep, making it difficult to see what was at the top.
I shivered, even in my coat, but it wasn’t from the cold. I wanted to quickly reach the top of these stairs, to see the clock tower, to see Seolha.

In front of the clock tower, the time on my phone displayed 7:20 p.m. A few people were chatting there, but the person I was waiting for wasn’t there.
My pounding heart calmed down a little.

It’s better this way. I could compose myself and wait for Seolha. I needed to talk to her normally, casually, like always.

“…”

After a while, a buzzing vibration came from my pocket. It was the alarm I had set for 7:30.

Is the subway delayed?
Or is she having trouble climbing the stairs because of the snow? She must be slowly making her way up, holding onto the railing.

It was okay if she was a little late. I had booked the movie tickets for a later showing. So all she had to do was come. She was always the type to come eventually, even if she was late.

“…”

I kept staring at the time displayed on the clock tower, unable to even take out my phone because of the biting cold.

Ten minutes.
The snowfall was getting heavier.

Twenty minutes.
It must be because of this damn snow.
Just in case, I went back down the wooden stairs, but there was no one there.

When thirty minutes passed, I thought:
Something must have happened to Seolha.

Maybe the subway was stopped because of the snow, or maybe she slipped and fell somewhere and was crying. Or maybe she overslept, or mistook the time, or the meeting place.

Anyway, something must have come up.

Thankfully, in the 21st century, we have this invention called the smartphone. A magical device that connects people no matter how far apart they are, allowing us to hear each other’s voices as if we were right next to each other.
Fortunately, Seolha had bought a smartphone a few months ago.

The ringing continued as time ticked by.
Ring, ring.
The sound, like a cricket’s chirping, wouldn’t stop.

<The person you are calling is currently unavailable…>

I pressed the call button again and again. But all I heard was the ringing.
That inorganic sound dredged up dark memories I had pushed to the back of my mind.

No, Seolha is different. The time we spent together is different.
Besides, Seolha accepted my strangeness, my abnormality. She told me it was okay. She said she understood.

…But that made me even more afraid. Because I knew people couldn’t be like that. Not even myself.

As I opened the messenger app to send her a message, I saw Seolha’s profile picture, which I had added to my favorites at the top of my friend list.
A group photo taken at the end-of-semester party a few weeks ago. The man who exchanged numbers with Seolha at the party was standing next to her, making a V-sign.
Unlike me, with my dead eyes and forced smile, the man’s face was handsome, even in my opinion.

—Hey, if you hesitate, someone else will snatch her away.

A man’s voice echoed in my head.

—That bastard, hitting on another girl so soon after breaking up with his girlfriend. If we leave them like that…

Shut up.
Don’t talk nonsense when you don’t know anything.

But I realized something.

—Whether someone hits on her or not, it’s Seolha’s decision. It’s not like I can do anything about it just because I don’t like it.

What I had said to him.

“No.”

I’ll wait. I said I’d wait. For tens of minutes, for hours.
If I wait, Seolha will come.

She would smile brightly, apologize with an embarrassed, slightly teary face. We could make new plans for our date then.

…Why am I so certain?
Just as Seolha doesn’t truly know me, I don’t truly know Seolha. I only know a part of her. What if she actually dislikes me? What if she finds me burdensome?
Seolha’s indifferent expression at the ticket gate yesterday flashed through my mind.

What if I sent her a message and she said she couldn’t come because she was with another man? Or what if this was all a revenge plot she orchestrated to get rid of me?
Like in the past.

I’m afraid of the relationship being defined. Afraid of facing a relationship defined by a declaration.
As I agonized over these thoughts, time passed.
The cursor blinked in the empty chat window.

“…”

11:30 p.m.
I went to the convenience store to warm my hands and then hurried back to the clock tower, thinking she might have come while I was away. I stayed there for a long time.

But Seolha didn’t come.

I don’t know.
I don’t know why Seolha didn’t come.
But one thing was certain: Chae Seolha wasn’t here beside me right now.

I was delusional, inflating my hopes, assuming everything would work out in my favor, rationalizing everything without knowing her true feelings for me.
I was always like this.

This is my punishment.
Punishment for trying to be happy without acknowledging my own karma.

It’s cold.
The snow continued to fall without any sign of stopping. My coat and my salon-styled hair were covered in white snow.
But it wasn’t the snow-covered parts that were cold. My heart was cold. It felt like a sharp icicle had pierced through my chest.

There was no one left in the park. So I decided to leave too. The snow was still falling, and it was cold.

****

The vibration of my smartphone woke me up as I lay on the floor, trying to sleep. It was Dasom.

“…Hello.”
“Ah, Dojin. You were sleeping? Sorry, I think I woke you up. You can go back to sleep.”
“No, it’s okay, Dasom. I was just about to get up. What’s up?”
“Oh, nothing much. It’s about the party at Minseo’s place today, I thought it would be nice to meet up and go together.”

The party.
It was today.

“I called Seolha and Garyeon, and they said it’s okay. How about meeting in front of the station and going together?”

I heard a name I didn’t want to hear.

You’re okay.
It seems like nothing happened.
The phone call…

“I…”

I didn’t know how to face her. More than that, I had no idea what she was thinking.

But…

“Huh? What’s wrong, Dojin? Do you have something to say?”

I had decided to take a step forward.

“It’s okay. What time and where should I meet you?”
“Ah, at 5 p.m., in front of the convenience store where we always meet when we go to Minseo’s…”

I could meet Seolha and ask her about yesterday. No matter what choice she made, we could talk and put an end to it.

I opened the door to my apartment and took another step forward.

“Dojin, over here, over here!”

As soon as I arrived at the convenience store, I heard a familiar voice. I looked up and saw the woman I had longed to see yesterday, waving at me with a bright smile, like the sun.

Am I dreaming?
How can you face me with such a bright smile? Or was today Christmas Eve?

No, let’s talk about yesterday first. There must have been some misunderstanding or unavoidable circumstance.
Maybe she came while I was away for a moment. That’s the most likely scenario.

Anyway, I just needed to talk to her and clear everything up. It wasn’t difficult between her and me.

“Hey, why didn’t you check your messages? I thought you weren’t coming.”

I checked the messenger app on my phone and saw a few messages from Chae Seolha, telling me to hurry up and come.

“…You got a new phone?”
“Yeah, sort of. Pretty, right?”

A smartphone from a famous brand, not the latest model, but a couple of generations old. It was probably a coincidence that it looked exactly like the one the man next to Seolha had been holding at the bar yesterday.
Probably.

“Garyeon will be a little late. She said the cake took longer than expected to finish. Dasom—”
“Hey.”

I interrupted Seolha, who was chattering away, seemingly several times brighter than usual.

“What?”
“About yesterday,”
“What about yesterday?”

Her expression was so casual, her tone as if she genuinely didn’t know anything. I was taken aback.

“You know, about meeting in front of the clock tower yesterday.”
“What? Are you still half asleep? Saying such nonsense as soon as we meet. Just look at this. It was uploaded to MeTube this morning, I think it’ll be more delicious if we cook it like this. So later—”

I couldn’t understand. We clearly agreed to meet in front of the clock tower yesterday.
You know it too.

That feeling, the cold, the pain, it wasn’t a dream.
Then what is this?
That expression, that voice…

I had prepared myself before meeting Seolha today. Prepared to calmly accept any choice she made, even if it meant leaving her side.
But I hadn’t anticipated this reaction at all.

“Seriously, what’s with him today?”

Chae Seolha playfully put her arm around my shoulder as I stood there, dumbfounded.
Just like always. As if nothing had happened.

“It’ll ruin the mood if you keep making that face at the party. Come on, I’ll buy you a drink, choose one. Here…”
“No, wait.”

I pushed Chae Seolha’s arm away and spoke again.

“About meeting at the clock tower yesterday—”
“What?”
“No, it’s just…!”
“I can’t hear you, what are you saying? Mumbling… Just pick a drink already.”

I was speaking clearly, right in front of Chae Seolha’s face.

“Chae Seolha, stop joking and answer me properly. Yesterday, at the clock tower—”
“I can’t hear you!”

A near-scream slowly echoed, filling the space.

“I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you, I can’t hear you…! What are you talking about, so early in the morning! Stop saying such strange things and let’s go inside the convenience store… okay? Please, I’m thirsty…!”

I finally realized.

She was rejecting my feelings.
But at the same time, she was sending me a message: let’s stay good friends, like always.

So she was pretending yesterday never happened.
As if nothing happened at all.

Why? Because she’s afraid I’ll be hurt? Or because she doesn’t want to lose me as a good friend, even though a romantic relationship is impossible? I hadn’t anticipated this outcome at all. How should I act?

Should I be content with not being abandoned by her side?
Is it okay just because I wasn’t rejected?

“Unni! I’m here. Oh, oppa too… You were here first with unni? Ahaha…”
“You both came early. It’s still a long time until the party.”
“I didn’t want to just sit around at home.”

Chae Seolha shrugged at Dasom’s question.

“Well, since we’re here, let’s go ahead. I’ll text Minseo. Dojin, is it heavy?”
“Ah, no.”
“Let’s go.”

Chae Seolha took my hand and, with a bright smile, started walking down the alley as the sun began to set.