Chapter 156: Ending. Connection, Not Regret (Part 1)

[156] Ending. Connection, Not Regret

It’s finally over.

It was a long story. A story filled with flaws and regrets.

I often lost my way, and there were too many times when I rushed to tie things up due to impatience.

How many times did I feel the urge to turn back time and rewrite the story… Sometimes, I even felt like putting down the pen altogether.

But still, I think I managed to tie up the ending well.

Mistakes finally became hope.

Clara’s means for suicide became the weapon that brought down the Goddess’s body.

Parsley’s efforts to correct the past became the tool that dismantled the Goddess’s body.

Amy’s memories of wanting to run away became the sword that sealed the Goddess’s soul.

The foolish choices made out of guilt and fear. They did not remain merely as regrets but became the keys that opened tomorrow.

Pain finally became a path.

Rem’s missing limbs were not simply disabilities. They were the traces of pain etched into his life, a mire that still pulled him down even now.

They were marks proving how painful his life had been.

But because of that, pain became proof of existence.

Through pain, Rem was able to maintain his ego, even within the Goddess’s soul. He was able to awaken the souls buried within the Goddess with his own pain. He was able to subdue the Goddess with their resentment.

His suffering was not meaningless.

And sin…

Sin was finally punished.

I know you all wished for a happy ending. I, too, wanted an ending where everyone lived happily ever after. Who wouldn’t.

But the same would have been true for the people who died because of Rem.

The 72 beggars.

‘They’ and the world they belonged to.

The people already devoured by the Goddess.

I couldn’t ignore their unjust deaths and grant Rem happiness. More accurately, I thought I shouldn’t.

…Of course, Rem’s death would be painful for those left behind. Especially for the five women who loved him.

But they won’t crumble.

The misunderstandings left in the past have been resolved, and regrets have been sewn up.

Their stories have reached a proper conclusion.

They might lose their way for a while, but eventually, they will move forward.

Therefore, I chose not a happy ending, but a proper ending.

You might not like it, but…

…

No, aren’t you being a bit harsh? No matter what, calling me a son of a bitch is a bit…

…!

…You’ll drop the story, so I should just go work a manual labor job. You say I’m like some philosophy-obsessed, overly cool try-hard? Th-that’s a bit much…

…!! …!!

Hey! Where the fuck do you live!

…!!

You fucker, stay right there. I’m coming over right now and…!

“Splitting your head open…?”

I stop speaking as I take in the scene before me.

“Didn’t I tell you? Throw in a few curses, and he’ll come running with his eyes rolled back.”

“Looking at that, the Vice-Captain is also quite the idiot.”

“Not quite, he’s the biggest idiot among us.”

The office, forcibly converted from an inn.

Old wooden planks nailed to the windows because of the unnecessarily cold winters.

Messy stains all over the carpet.

And two people, casually sharing drinks as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

“Hey, hey, look at that face. Doesn’t he look like he’s about to foam at the mouth and faint?”

“Then *you* wake him up, Baldy. I don’t want to touch whatever’s on his body.”

“Fuck off, you pointy-eared bastard, acting all clean when you live in a forest.”

Clevens,

Shafiq.

A stupid sound automatically escapes my lips.

“How…”

“You said it yourself.”

Clevens took a long swig of wine and said.

“The people devoured by the goddess aren’t erased. They just fall asleep. They literally forget themselves until someone wakes them up.”

Only then did I realize what kind of end Clevens had met.

“You were… eaten.”

“It was definitely an experience I never want to have again.”

Clevens shuddered slightly. I couldn’t bear to look at him and lowered my head.

“…I’m sorry… about that.”

“Of course you should be sorry.”

The words, spat out, hurt terribly.

But it was pain I had to endure.

Their deaths were my responsibility. My absolute sin. Whatever they say, I will accept it all…

“You stupid bastard, we went through all that trouble to keep you alive, then you go and die anyway, and now you have the nerve to show your face here.”

Startled, I look at Clevens. He’s glaring at me with a wrinkled nose, annoyed. And next to him, Shafiq nods in agreement.

“Vice-Captain, you made my totally badass sacrifice pointless. This sin can only be repaid by erecting my statue in the Essier square… Ouch…!”

“Be reasonable. Reasonable.”

Bewilderment only grows in the face of this lighthearted atmosphere. Did my apology not get through properly? Stumbling over my words, I try to add an explanation to my apology.

“N-no. What I mean is, because of me, you guys died…”

“What kind of bullshit is that?”

Clevens looked at me as if he’d heard the dumbest thing imaginable.

“That crazy bitch Betty killed me and this guy, so why is that your fault?”

My head goes blank.

“Th-that’s… Because I was tricked like an idiot… So…”

“Have you ever *not* done something stupid? Right, pointy ears.”

“Those words are damn true.”

Shafiq nods.

“But still…!”

“Vice-Captain.”

Shafiq cuts me off firmly.

“It was my choice.”

“…”

“Do not dare diminish my choice by calling it your fault.”

His words were so firm, it felt like I could swallow them whole. I might’ve even laughed, thinking, “Oh, I see.”

But I catch the kindness hidden within his words.

“Despite that, it’s my fault.”

Since when, I wonder, a burden had been placed on my back.

Was it when I killed the first beggar who rushed at me.

Was it when one of the mercenaries died because of me.

Was it when the deaths of the 72 resurfaced.

Day by day, the burden only grew heavier, never lightening. Unlike misfortune or the world, I couldn’t fight back against it.

I could only stagger forward while carrying it.

And now, that burden finally brings me to my knees.

I sink into the chair. Looking at my blood-stained hands, my voice trembled.

“If I had been wiser… If I had been a little more careful… If I…”

The 72 nameless beggars, ‘they’, the mercenaries, the people who died because of the goddess, even the two friends before my eyes.

The weight of regret was equal to the length of memory.

I trembled and wept.

“It was all my fault. I…”

“So you’re going to die?”

I raise my eyes to look at Clevens.

“By kicking the bucket while saving the world at the end, you thought you could make up for your mistakes?”

“…That’s the proper ending.”

Because that’s the best atonement I can make.

Hearing my words, Clevens sighs. He taps his head as if he has a headache, then spits out.

“Does that bring me or this guy back to life?”

“…What?”

“No, let me ask you this. If that logic holds, then if I kill two people and save ten, does that mean I have no sin?”

“That’s…”

*Thud,* Clevens slams the bottle down on the table.

“Fine, let’s say everything is your fault. Even though it’s an arrogant delusion, okay, let’s assume this world is so fragile that it can be broken by just your stupid mistakes.”

“…”

“So if you sacrifice yourself, do those mistakes disappear? Like, do good deeds cancel out bad deeds like addition and subtraction?”

It feels as if needles are piercing my sorrow-filled head. Clevens looks at me with pitying eyes and says.

“You idiot, mistakes don’t disappear because you’re punished or atone for them.”

From somewhere, I heard a tearing sound.

“They just… remain.”

It was the sound of my last hope shattering.

“And you’re trying to run away because you find that fact too painful for you.”

It wasn’t a proper ending.

It was just an escape chosen after being driven to the edge.

Somewhere in my heart, I think I already knew this. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have become speechless like now.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t have asked this after choking back tears for a while.

“Then what am I supposed to do…?”

“You have to live.”

Clevens said with a bitter smile, perhaps the bitterest I’d ever seen.

“You have to keep living and thinking about it.”

It’s a terribly cruel thing to say.

“You probably won’t find an answer anyway. The guilt will probably torment you until the day you die. But still, what can you do.”

With that grim prophecy, Clevens downed his drink.

“If you die, the unjust deaths of those people will be buried too.”

In the end, true atonement can only be found in living.

It’s such a cruel thing to say.

Isn’t he saying I have to continue living alone, suppressing this guilt. Isn’t he saying I can only keep staggering through life as I have been.

There’s no way I can endure something like that.

…And I won’t be able to endure it anyway.

“Even if you say that… It’s already over.”

I clench my fist as tears flow.

This place is nothing but a fleeting illusion. Even now, I can faintly hear the screams of souls from beyond the walls.

It’s the resentment of tens of millions that brought down even a goddess who had lived for thousands of years.

Soon, those grudges will devour this space, and ‘I’ will disappear. My measly one lifetime of misfortunes isn’t enough to maintain “myself”.

In the end, I remain a despicable human being.

Having evaded guilt through death.

“I don’t have the means to escape this situation. In the end, someone like me…”

*WHACK-!*

“Oh, you life-is-a-solo-journey bastard!”

Forgetting even my sorrow, I clutch my head. I blink my eyes and look at the furious face.

“Sh-Shafiq…?”

“Of course you can’t escape alone! Did you already forget what I said before I died?”

“Th-that’s…”

Of course, I remember. But that’s…

“U-Ugh…!!”

“Listening to you whine is exhausting.”

Shafiq grabs me by the scruff of my neck. Despite my resistance, he drags me towards the front door.

“W-wait! Shafiq! I, I…”

“Just live, you idiot.”

Shafiq flung the door open. He grabbed my collar, lifted me up, and grinned.

“Life isn’t meant to be lived alone, is it.”

“I, I…”

And Shafiq pushes me with all his might.

***

And I open my eyes amidst darkness and screams.

[savemepleasesomeonesaveme]

[ithurtssomuchsomeonehelpme]

[momdadican’tsee]

Instantly, the pain and screams of the dead souls begin to consume me. My ego scatters, and my senses fade.

“Ah…”

Without realizing it, I let myself drift into that flow.

I want to find peace like this.

“…!!”

[If you die, the unjust deaths of those people will be buried too.]

However, guilt is proof of the ego.

The last remaining conscience rejects comfort. It tries to forcibly hold onto my sense of self. I desperately rack my brain for a way out.

[Did you already forget what I said before I died?]

And then, I find one way out.

No, a fragment of a word.

But even as I’m fading away, I hesitate.

Because it’s a word I’ve never spoken.

Because it’s a word I buried in my heart long ago.

Because it’s a language I lost when hope hurt more than misfortune.

In the end, people are inevitably alone.

My life was a burden I had to bear alone.

That’s why, despite everyone’s concerns, I tried to do everything alone. That’s why I shouldered all the responsibility and sin alone.

But I can no longer see a path forward.

I just cannot think of a way to stand up again.

And yet, I can’t give up on life either.

So, faintly, very softly, I try saying it.

The small wish I had thrown away so long ago.

“Help… me…”

I say it again, feeling tears run down my cheeks.

“Someone… please…”

And then, a voice was heard.

[There you are.]

I gave my pain to them. I reminded them of their pain and awoke them from their slumber. I infected them with my pain.

But does the pain of others only remind one of their own pain.

[You must have been in so much pain.]

[It’s okay.]

[Because we were in pain too.]

[Because we also wished someone would help.]

[Because we know what it means to hurt.]

No.

Pain is a connection.

People connect when they share pain.

Your pain becomes my pain.

My pain becomes your pain.

And so, connected hearts,

People bound by pain,

The wish to escape from suffering,

[I’ll help you.]

Paradoxically, gives birth to goodwill.

Everything turned pure white.

***

“Rem…!!”

I opened my eyes.

“Thank God…!!”

Before I could even grasp the situation, warm embraces enveloped me. Not just one. Six, the warmth of the people I love.

And from them, emotions flow into me.

Affection, joy, relief, ecstasy.

Despair, sorrow, grief, anger.

And I, too, am the same.

All their emotions dye my heart with the same colors. Their emotions become mine.

Heart connects to heart.

[Life isn’t meant to be lived alone, is it.]

The realization flows out with tears.

Humans can never be truly alone.

Because emotions are given and received.

Because in that moment, hearts connect.

Because connected hearts ultimately leave traces.

That’s why people can lean on others.

That instead of collapsing, they can walk hand in hand with someone else.

That life is not something to endure alone, but to be walked with others.

That even carrying guilt, one can now live on.

Finally, far too late,

Far too… late.

“Hic… sorry… hic… sniff… I’m sorry…”

I realize.

.

.

.