Chapter 144: Children Who Had to Grow Up (10) (Part 1)

[144] 22. Children Who Had to Grow Up (10)

This is a diorama of that night.

A starless night sky is a black curtain. The pale moon is a magic lamp with blue paint smeared on it. The shabby cottage is a mural. The trees and bushes are replaced with scattered turf.

And a wooden doll walks out of the cottage. It is small and dirty, modeled after the boy. It crouches down on a clay hill and looks up at the magic lamp moon.

Boy: I ruined everything. Sister is crying because of me. Why do I always have to be the cause of someone’s misfortune?

The wooden doll modeled after the boy suddenly stands up.

Boy: No, this time, I won’t let that happen. Right, I’ll confess to the Baron that I killed the dog. Then, Sister will be happy. Rem is becoming an adult, just like Sister.

The wooden doll modeled after the boy clenches its fist and enters the cottage.

And a short while later, a rag doll comes out of the cottage. It is modeled after Amy, with its head painted golden. A crying face is sewn onto it with thread.

Amy: How did I become so miserable? Just this morning, I was lying on a soft, fluffy bed, and now I’m lying in this… shithole!

The rag doll modeled after Amy sits down on the ground.

Amy: No, maybe the current situation is better now. Starting tomorrow, I’ll have to sleep on the streets without a roof over my head! Ah, how horrible. Why is God testing me like this? It’s all because of Rem!

The rag doll, as if startled by its own words, covers its mouth.

Amy: What am I saying. Rem is my little brother. Does that mean I should have just left him there to die? I had to save Rem. I *had* to. But…

The threads loosen, and the crying face transforms into an angry one.

Amy: If Rem hadn’t acted like such an idiot, things wouldn’t have turned out like this.

The magic lamp, representing the moonlight, is turned off. Instead, a red light shines down solely on the rag doll.

Amy: Now that I think about it, that’s right. If I hadn’t turned down Dad’s offer in the first place, I wouldn’t be chased by dogs. How hard did I try to persuade dad to adopt Rem too!

Amy: And that’s not all. When we escaped from the orphanage, it was the same. He was just whimpering and groaning while I was the one desperately trying to survive. And I escaped the orphanage for him in the first place!

Amy: Why do I always have to be the one sacrificing for him? Why do *I* have to endure all the hardship alone? Why, when I’ve finally found happiness, do I have to give it all up? Shouldn’t he sacrifice for me at least once…!

The red light suddenly turns pale blue. The rag doll trembles its hands.

Amy: No. That’s not right. I shouldn’t think that way. I…

The blue light gradually turns purple. The light tilts, and the shadow of the rag doll lengthens.

Amy: B-But… would the Baron really punish a child like Rem? Rem is only eight years old. Maybe he’ll go easy on him. So…

Amy: This time, just this once. Because it has always been my role until now.

Amy: Shouldn’t Rem sacrifice for me too?

The rag doll pulls out a small magic tool from its pocket. A communication magic tool Sir Sinclair bought her. The threads loosen, and the angry face turns into a smiling one.

The magic tool turns on, and a clear sound announces that the connection has been established.

Amy: Dad, I’m at the cottage now. Rem…

“Stop.”

I grabbed the rag doll with my hand. The rag doll didn’t resist and simply looked up at me and said.

“I know it’s a painful truth. It must be hard to accept.”

A gentle voice, as if consoling me. Would it be an exaggeration to say that sadness filled its thread-sewn eyes.

“But it’s all true. Amy betrayed you. She used a magic tool to tell Sir Sinclair the location of the cottage and pinned all the blame on you. That’s how Cromer was able to find you.”

The rag doll wraps its arms around my hand.

“Of course, Amy was overwhelmed with guilt when she found out what happened to you. She regretted and regretted again, and swore that if she ever met you again, if such a miracle happened, she would dedicate her life to you. But what did she actually *do* when she was reunited with you?”

Grasping something can mean wanting to hold it close, but sometimes, it can also mean wanting to push it away. The rag doll chose the latter.

Pushing my hand away, the rag doll smiles and says.

“Crushed by guilt, she pretended not to know you.”

The diorama melts into fog. In its place, a small front door appears.

“Go back, Rem. There’s no one here for you to save.”

The rag doll opens the door. A warmth like spring sunlight flows out from the gap.

“Be an adult, leave the past behind, and move on to the future.”

*Be an adult*, those words especially resonate with me. Maybe it’s because I had just witnessed my childish past.

After all, the past is a measure of the present. By looking back at our younger selves, we reflect on how much we’ve grown since then.

And the end of that reflection is usually disappointment.

“I will.”

The rag doll’s head trembles. A sorrowful voice follows.

“I’m glad you’ve made the right decision, Rem. You deserve to be hap…”

“Only if my sister tells me the truth.”

Silence falls. The rag doll’s small eyes meets my gaze.

“It’s not all true, is it? Do you think I can’t tell my sister’s lies?”

“It’s all true. Amy cares about you more than…”

“Stop playing with dolls and come out so we can talk.”

Playtime is over. I’ve heard enough of these ridiculous lies.

“Come out and tell me yourself that you abandoned me. That you left me to have my wrist cut off because you wanted to be happy.”

The threads loosen, and the rag doll’s expression vanishes.

Maybe because it didn’t know what expression to make, or because it wanted to hide its expression.

The answer lay in her trembling voice.

“Leave, Rem. You don’t belong here.”

And then, I was thrown off the stage.

***

Sensation rushes in like a tidal wave. Amidst the confusion, the ‘civil servant’s’ surprised face comes into view.

“What, you really came back alive? That’s impressive… Of course, looking at your condition, it seems you ultimately failed…”

“No, it’s not over yet.”

I grabbed the lever of the machine while looking into the glass panel. Amy’s swirling soul is reflected within the lens once again.

“Hey, wait…!”

Ignoring the ‘civil servant’s’ objections, I pull the lever again.

***

Becoming an adult might mean realizing that in the end, everyone is inevitably alone. And that’s why we call it ‘becoming wiser’ when someone grows up. (TL Note: Same wordplay as before)

“I’ve heard enough of your story.”

I slammed my hand down on the small diorama stage. The curtain covering the stage rips, and the wooden floor beneath breaks.

Through the broken gap, the rag doll hiding under the stage looks up at me.

“Come out, sister. Let’s talk face to face.”

“Rem, I don’t want to chase you away again…”

I grabbed the rag doll by its mouth. Feeling the trembling of its pointless words, I glare at the doll.

“Even if you chase me away, I’ll come back. Again and again.”

It seemed as though my sister finally remembered that I, too, could be as stubborn as her. The doll’s eyes curve for a moment, then the threads that made up its expression loosen.

[Don’t do this.]

And then, suddenly, a gust of wind blew.

I involuntarily squeezed my eyes shut and turned my head away.

And when I opened my eyes again, a hollow laugh escaped my lips.

A dark green forest covered in a thick fog.

The place that embraced my younger self and my sister. I was standing in my old home once more. The rag doll I had been holding was, naturally, gone.

“So this is how you’re going to play it, huh?”

A fog-covered forest, yes, what better place to hide than here. Especially if it’s a familiar place.

However, it’s not just my sister who is familiar with this place.

I slapped my cheeks and then walked into the fog-covered forest.

[I’m lonely.]

It was not long after I entered the forest, that I heard that voice. Like an echo, it resonated from beyond the fog.

And then, numerous other voices followed.

It was the start of a gloomy chorus.

[I want to be strong. I don’t want to lose anything.]

[Coward, idiot, whore.]

[I can’t breathe. Where am I going? Where am I?]

[I’ll kill them all! I swear I’ll kill every single one of them!]

[If only… if only…]

The voices came from all directions. Though their emotions varied, they could all be categorized under a single word, ‘pain.’

I immediately realized they were the fragments of Amy’s shattered soul. The fragments the ‘civil servant’ said no longer had reason. Beings impossible to converse with, impossible to persuade.

Yet, because they were still parts of my sister, my heart was drawn to them.

[You can’t die… If you die, if you die, then I’ll die too…!]

Suddenly, a familiar voice leads my footsteps. Walking as if enchanted, I find myself in front of a small ball of light. That fist-sized thing emitted a sickening herbal scent.

I hesitate for a moment, then carefully pick up that fragment of light. Then, I faintly hear Amy’s voice.

Though I’m skeptical, I bring the light to my ear…

***

Whenever I think of you, that day undoubtedly comes to mind first.

“Rem, d-don’t die…! Don’t die! I said don’t die!!”

Outside, heavy rain pours, inside a dark tent, a cheap candle flickers. Your body convulsing, your eyes rolled back into your head. And me, clutching you, screaming.

“If you die, I’ll kill you! If you die, I’ll kill both you and me!!”

It was the day you ate a poisonous herb because of my carelessness.

It was the herbalist who tricked me. That vile man had given me poisonous herbs for free, saying they were good for treating wounds. I believed him without question and brewed them for you.

“Don’t die… Please… If you die, I’ll die too, so please…”

In the end, you survived that day. And you gave me all the credit. You said that because I was by your side, nursing and cheering you on, you were able to hold onto your consciousness.

But do you know, Rem.

That my desperation that day was for *me*, not for you.

“Please… I don’t want to be alone… please…”

I just didn’t want to be left alone.

It was always like that.

Everything was for me.

Not for you, but for me.

That’s why you were always too good for me.

***

“…Look who’s talking.”

Still, I knew what I had to do.

I carefully hold the light fragment close to my chest.

And then, I began to walk toward another voice.

***

I remember when I first met you.

I couldn’t help but think you were like a turtle. Turning your back on everyone, looking only at the ground, as if hiding in your shell. The way you hunched your neck whenever you saw someone, exactly like a turtle.

That’s why I disliked you at first.

Because you made me, who was trying to befriend everyone, feel like a fool. Or more accurately, since I was indeed a fool, I disliked you for reminding me of that fact.

For I, who had been abandoned in the bushes since birth, begged for affection from everyone, indiscriminately.

Still, I was nice to you.

Naturally, it was a calculated act. The image of a child who takes good care of other children was one that easily attracted people’s affection.

Then came that day.

I fell ill with an unknown disease and was immediately abandoned. In an orphanage where everything was scarce, illness meant death. The fear of contagion made everyone turn their backs on me, including those I cherished and those who cherished me.

I had to die alone, in loneliness.

Until you appeared.

Do you know what you looked like in my eyes when you shyly offered your herbs, saying you stole them.

At that moment, in a world of ‘them,’ you became the only ‘you’ in my world.

And that was your greatest misfortune.

***

Is this what you call reminiscing?

Or gathering the pieces together.

***

You sometimes say.

That you’re grateful I brought you out of the orphanage.

That I saved your life that day.

Every time you do, I suffer silently at your naivety.

Because it was my sin.

It’s not that I call killing the orphanage director, that beast, a sin. Even if I went back a thousand times, I would do the same. I have no regrets about that murder.

However, what I do regret is bringing you out with me.

I could have left you there after I killed the director. With the director dead, a new one would have come, and at the very least, he would have been better than that beast who tried to kill you.

And you, with your thoughtful nature, would have eventually proven your worth there. Whether by being adopted, or earning recognition at the orphanage, you would have found your own path.

Happiness might not have found you, but you already had the qualifications. I couldn’t have been the only one to recognize your brilliance.

Had you stayed, surely, you could have been happy.

But I chose to bring you with me.

Because I didn’t want to be alone. Because I was afraid of a life where I had to be chased alone. Because I didn’t want to let go of your light.

Being young, or being in a state of panic, those are not valid excuses. At that moment, I understood and grasped everything.

It was out of my pure will, out of selfishness, that I forced upon you the life of a wanderer. I made you suffer all sorts of hardship with me.

I stole from you the life you should have had.

***

The voices swirling in the fog gradually disappear one by one.

Hearts that couldn’t be spoken add weight to my chest.

***

The longer our life on the run continued, the more your intelligence shined. From finding drinkable water to figuring out how to beg effectively. In truth, it wasn’t my recklessness, but your wisdom that kept us alive.

Even finding that cottage and suggesting we settle down in the fog-covered forest, it was your idea. You said that since the village was prosperous enough to have a market, they wouldn’t care about a couple of petty thieves like us.

And every time you showed such intelligence, I felt pride, but also guilt.

If only I hadn’t brought you with me, if only I hadn’t dragged you into this mess because of my selfishness.

That intelligence could have been used for something much more valuable.

The cruel realization that I had ruined your life only grew stronger with each passing day.

However, I am truly a shameless human being. Each time that realization overwhelmed me, I escaped it with these excuses.

I just need to compensate as much as I ruined.

In exchange for taking your life, I’ll give you mine.

You were grateful for my devotion, but it was simply the price I had to pay. A price far smaller than what I owed. That’s why it always weighed on me as guilt.

That’s why Sinclair’s appearance was an opportunity for me.

The life you should have originally enjoyed.

A life where you could live under proper parents, receive proper love, and fully realize your potential.

Naturally, I desperately clung to that opportunity. I used all my charms on them, who had only wanted to adopt me, to make them take you in as well.

…That’s why I was devastated when you rejected my offer.

No, let me correct that.

“I can live on my own now.”

“Thank you for protecting me all this time, Sister.”

What truly made me despair was those words.

At that moment, I had no choice but to acknowledge my own deception. I had to admit that I was deluding myself into thinking I was protecting and guarding you.

I had to break the belief that just as you were essential to my life, your life also needed me.

I was merely the cause of your misfortune.

Do you know how much I cried that day?

***

The more I listen to the words buried in my heart.

The more, the thick fog gradually clears.

***

I saved you.

At the same time, I ruined you.

The day you killed the dog, lying alone in the cottage, I was tormented by guilt.

Everything was my sin.

I should have always stayed by your side.

I should have known that you would be in danger when those dogs were roaming the streets.

But I was blinded by ordinary happiness and neglected you. I shoved you into a shithole and then went off to enjoy myself.

Because of that, you were forced back into a life on the run. A life much harsher than before.

Even though I know I have no right to cry, tears keep welling up. Even when I try to suppress it, beast-like sounds leak through my lips.

You were a victim of my life, but I had no way of atoning for that.

…No.

Maybe I simply hadn’t thought of the way.

I stepped out of the cottage, a sudden thought made me do so. The night in the forest was quiet and clear, perfect for organizing one’s thoughts.

In the end, I’m the one who killed the dog. The wounds covering my body are proof of that.

Then…

I pull out the magic tool Sinclair had given me from my pocket. The communication magic tool felt as cool as the autumn that had arrived after a long summer.

For all the time we spent together, I made choices for myself. I was even lost in a delusion of being the adult protecting you.

So at least once, no, I *had* to at least once,

Make a choice for you.

I decided to become an adult solely for you.

***

The sunlight sets its pure feet upon the soil.

***

I learned that I could feel both relieved and sad at the same time.

I came to know it at that dawn.

I hug you for the last time.

“Don’t worry. It’ll all work out. Everything will be alright…”

I made a promise with Sinclair.

If I go to the baron and confess. And if I were to die for it, then please take care of Rem in my stead. To raise you as if you were me.

And Sinclair will keep his promise. He’s a good person. Of course, he did submit to Baron Böller, but I think that was unavoidable.

He has a wife, after all.

I’m not unaware of the fear of someone who has something to protect.

“…Right, everything will work out, Sister. Yeah…”

You hug me back just as tightly, along with warm words. Unconsciously, I wish this moment could last forever. But at the same time, I know it’s impossible.

Gently, I push you away.

I use a forced smile in place of a goodbye. Because if I spoke, I felt like I’d burst into tears.

I turned around as if it were no big deal and walked into the fog. After walking for a while, I finally burst into tears.

The last, the end of it all, the sudden thought of that hurt so much.

But this will make you happy. You’ll get back the life you should have had, the life I stole from you due to my selfishness.

If so, then I…

“Amy.”

Why did God have to be so cruel?

I look at Sinclair emerging from the fog. Even without him speaking, I knew. His guilt-ridden expression explained everything.

My heart turns cold.

“You… broke your promise, didn’t you.”

“I’m sorry.”

Sinclair lowers his head. For the first time, his massive frame seemed utterly pathetic.

“But… you are my daughter.”

I understood him. And because I understood, it felt all the more repulsive.

“What kind of father in this world would sacrifice his own daughter…”

How naive I had been.

“Rem! Rem!!”

I immediately turned and started running. I moved my legs, calling out to every god I could think of. No, even a demon would do.

Praying that somehow you could be saved from me.

However, I was utterly powerless.

“I’m sorry, Amy.”

Sinclair grabs me. I scratch, bite, and scream, but his arms don’t budge. Rather, they gently tighten around my throat.

Air cut off, consciousness fading.

I looked at the world turning black and prayed more desperately than ever before.

Please,

Please, not you.

But when I opened my eyes again, everything was already over.

***

Because fragments ultimately yearn for wholeness,

***

I walk among the chunks of flesh that were once hounds. There was nothing left of the corpses I had beaten to death with my fists.

“My, my, children…! You, you wretch…!!”

Baron Böller, who had been weeping while clutching the hounds, turns to look at me. Soaked in tears and blood, he looked astonishingly pitiful.

“You, you think you’ll get away with this? I swear on the name of Böller! You will pay for my children’s blood…”

*Crack-*

“_____!!”

I didn’t want to hear it, so I grabbed his jaw and crushed it. The baron let out a beast-like sound and rolled on the ground.

It’s a miserable sight, but it’s not enough.

It was far from enough to satisfy the yearning I had accumulated for 12 years.

I break his legs when he tries to run away.

I stuff the corpses of his hounds into his filthy, screaming mouth.

I gouge out his eyes, cut off both his wrists, and crush his manhood…

But still, it’s not enough. What I dreamt of wasn’t this. More painfully, more agonizingly, to somehow… experience even just a fraction of the pain you, Rem, had to endure…

“Gurgh…”

The light leaves the Baron’s eyes.

Even though he hadn’t even received half, not even a tenth, of the pain he should have.

I can’t even carry out your revenge properly.

“Is it over.”

At that weary voice, I throw the Baron’s corpse aside and turn around. A sneer involuntarily escapes my lips.

“Sinclair.”

Sinclair was no longer a proud knight. He was merely an old man, shrunken and withered from 12 years of submitting to power.

No, perhaps that was his true self all along.

“…Are you going to kill me too?”

It’s amusing. He speaks as though resigned, but I can easily read the hope within. A hope named familial affection. That hope is maximized the moment I put my blood-stained sword back into its sheath.

“I won’t touch you for now. You belong to Rem.”

But his hope shatters at my coldness. As I pass by his pale face, I taunt him bitterly.

“I hope you don’t think of something like suicide. If Rem wants it, I’m prepared to dig up your grave.”

And then, I walked toward the sole witness of this farce. The woman who had been expressionless throughout now smiled brightly as I approached.

“Are you satisfied, Lady Amy?”

Irene, a woman from the Imperial Administration. As I wiped the blood with the handkerchief she offered, I retorted.

“My satisfaction is none of your concern. So, tell me what I need to do now.”

“Well, it’s not much different from what I told you beforehand. Come to the capital, receive your hero appointment ceremony, and be the Empire’s errand boy for a while. That’s it.”

It was a simple contract.

In exchange for protection from House Böller’s retaliation, I become the Empire’s errand girl.

It was closer to a slave contract, with no freedom to choose missions and no guarantee of safety, but I accepted readily.

Of course, it wasn’t because I was afraid of House Böller’s revenge. I had spent the past 12 years training not to kneel before such things.

However, what I truly wanted was just one thing.

“…And that account is certain, right?”

“Of course. The Imperial Administration is excellent at finding people. I’ve already put in a request, so we’ll be able to find this ‘Rem’ person soon.”

Rem, your name constricts my heart.

Truthfully, I don’t expect you to be alive. I know the world’s cruelty all too well.

But if, just if.

If you are alive.

This time I will devote my life wholly to you. I will set right the tragedy that began with my selfishness.

With this resolve, I nodded to Irene.

“Then, let’s be off.”

***

I stand before my sister.

***

How futile that vow had been.

***