Chapter 126: The North (10)

The glasses went around and the night grew deep. No matter how much we unraveled the stories piled up in our hearts, strangely, topics kept coming. We, who had been weaving tales mixed with lies about our lives up until then, brought up old stories without meeting each other’s eyes. It was because we, who had changed too much, couldn’t have an honest conversation.

“Do you remember No. 13?”

It was No. 5 who first brought up the name buried in the past. He asked me if I remembered No. 13 while gazing at the stars. I nodded and smiled. No. 13. Thanks to her striking silver hair, small build, and fairy-like beautiful appearance, she was the most beloved child in that house.

When No. 5 and I were dragged away like slaves, she was riding in a carriage. It was because, in the procession of those being dragged away, a wealthy old man took only No. 13. The crying continued until the carriage door closed. As she moved further away, I buried the memories of No. 13 in a dark corner of the past.

“I remember. Did you hear any news about her? Like maybe she’s living as a concubine in some rich man’s house.”

“No.”

No. 5 shook his head, saying so. His face was also full of regret. I said to No. 5 with a smile.

“Then why did you suddenly bring up her story? Making me depressed.”

No. 13 was truly a good child. She was the smartest child, the most beloved child. A ‘slave with no news’ was never a synonym for good news. It was a word that implied tragedy, to the extent that you could hear terms like ‘buried alive corpse’ or ‘rotting skull in the sewer’ as synonyms.

No. 5 said, watching me put down my glass.

“Why are you going to meet that tanner?”

Laughter came out naturally. There was only one reason he would ask so directly. I laughed for a moment and downed more liquor. My lower belly boiled hotly, then cooled as if someone had doused it with water. I said, fiddling with my glass.

“For love and justice.”

I didn’t really believe those words. I only used them because they were the most famous joke. When I threw these two words, ‘love’ or ‘justice,’ at those who asked the reason for whatever I did, people would chuckle and ask no further questions.

No. 5 said with a smile.

“That’s a preposterous reason.”

No. 5’s smile didn’t seem like a smile. He was different from the him who always showed a bright smile during our slave days. Back then, when he dreamed while looking at the stars and expected a vague, beautiful future, No. 5 was a man who knew how to smile with pure, clear laughter.

Bound by the image of the past, I was still looking at No. 5. I was projecting old memories onto the current him, memories he couldn’t possibly possess, and was disappointed on my own terms. I couldn’t tell how many disappointments I was storing in my heart today.

“Right.”

The moon was still voyeuristically watching us. The colorful stars gathered around the moon, like spectators who had paid extra, intruded upon our drinking session, scattering light onto the glasses and the table. No. 5 looked like he wanted to continue this conversation.

But both No. 5 and I knew that our conversation was now over. It was the inevitable downfall that often comes when trying to seek understanding through lies, while standing on the precarious line of being friends who met in the past. I gathered my clothes. No. 5 tapped the table with his finger and looked at me.

We made eye contact, and I was about to say goodbye, indicating I was leaving.

“Didn’t you ever want revenge?”

It was No. 5’s single sentence that stopped my steps. Revenge. I was closer to revenge than anyone. The women by my side were people who would join me in revenge. My revenge ended after Carson fell from the second floor, but there were still many people in the world who desired revenge.

Alexander, who demoted Lumia. The Flancia family, who tried to marry Isabel into a hero’s family. The hero who demoted Lorena’s father. The thieves’ guild that tried to kill me. My family was bound by revenge. And I couldn’t know under whom among them No. 5 was working.

“What do you mean?”

So I denied my very roots. I gave a sly smile as if I had never even considered revenge. It was the act I had become most accustomed to during my over ten years of slavery. It was because if you showed you harbored resentment, a slave would die immediately. Pretending to laugh foolishly, pretending to be good-natured – ironically, my life was accompanied by laughter.

No. 5 said.

“People always dream of revenge, don’t they? Towards the person who dragged me into slavery, the person who ruined my life. Towards the people who tried to assassinate you, or bring you down. No. 17. As for me, Ever since I rose to this position, I’ve killed all the bastards who tried to bring me down. ‘The one’ I work with has also finished his revenge. But, I’m still bound by revenge. Isn’t it strange? That even though revenge is over, I’m still consumed by hatred and trying to kill people. That there are still many humans to deal with.”

No. 5 said that, looking straight at me. His gaze was wavering. A passionate storm was raging in his eyes, which had been calmly suppressing emotions. Listening to him, I could reconsider revenge.

It wasn’t about whether to take revenge or not. It was about what I and my family should do after revenge was over, after I became a stronger demon. Cruel revenge dramas don’t describe what comes next. Because it was as clear as day what kind of life a human reduced to ashes after burning their emotions would lead.

Ashes are eventually discarded. No. 5 had finished his revenge, but he still couldn’t escape the revenge drama. There was no way for me to know how immense the tragedy that gnawed at his life had been.

“It would be a lie to say I never wished for revenge. But, the person who was my master is dead. Trying to find the person who twisted my life… I don’t even know where to begin looking.”

As I said that, I could suddenly look back at myself. The women I’ve gathered so far, vowing revenge, the people who pledged to take revenge on the world with me. We were preparing the largest-scale revenge in this world. If the hero dies, the saint dies, the great sage dies, and the thieves’ guild is destroyed, and if the Flancia family collapses, what should we do then? What kind of beings should we become to live in this world? I continued the conversation, organizing my chaotic thoughts.

“You know my story. The corrupt captain of the guard twisted my life, and those thugs shattered my life. A slave merchant beat me, and I was sold and resold until I ended up with Carson. And I, right now, am living much better than those bastards. Honestly, I desperately want to find out what they’re up to and kill them… but I also wonder if I really need to. I’m living well right now, anyway.”

“Have you given up on revenge?”

“I don’t know.”

It was literally true.

The goal of revenge and becoming a stronger demon had somehow become confusingly intertwined. If I become a stronger demon, what then? After revenge is over, the world will be fucked up, so what should I do then? I couldn’t know anything.

“There’s a lot to do after revenge. Anyway, Isabel’s ex-husband, who tormented me the most, died miserably. It means I could do something more productive than spewing my remaining hatred onto other guys. I could go save the tanner for love and justice, or tell my beloved wife I love her… I don’t know what happened to you, No. 5. That’s my position. Because I have someone precious beside me now, I can’t be buried solely in hatred.”

There was one thing I knew. For the sake of my family beside me, I absolutely must not leave the broken world as it is. Someone has to rebuild the collapsed nation. To do that, I must let go of hatred the moment righteous revenge is complete.

No. 5 said this, downing his liquor.

“Love and justice.”

No. 5 chewed on those words like gum, then suddenly burst out laughing. He nodded while laughing and said this to me.

“Those sound just like something a hero would say. Love and justice.”

I laughed.

“Doesn’t it sound a bit unfitting? A kept man talking about love and justice.”

“You came all the way to the North. To that wife of yours, you must be a hero-nim.”

I recalled Isabel’s face. I remembered her face, trembling like a puppy, terrified of being fucked by the cruel gay demons of the North. I nodded with a smile.

“Maybe so.”

No. 5 nodded and stood up from his seat. Holding his luggage in one hand, he pushed the table aside. I was taken aback by his appearance, as if he intended to leave with me.

“It was fun. No. 17.”

“Where are you going?”

“My plans have changed. Reindeer hunting doesn’t seem very fun. I plan to go somewhere else.”

I didn’t know what expression to wear. I must have been making a ridiculous face, somewhere between laughing and crying. Because No. 5 was patting my shoulder with a smile. We went down to the first-floor entrance and faced each other. No. 5 looked at me, meeting my eyes, while I avoided his gaze under the inn’s eaves.

“Evan.”

No. 5 called my name. It felt a little strange to be called by my name by him. No. 5 didn’t give me time to answer.

“Because you have someone precious, you can find something more important than revenge?”

I nodded. Perhaps so. We’re too young to be solely consumed by hatred. No. 5 continued to ask me questions.

“Evan. My master and I spent a really long time together after I escaped the facility. I worked with the resolve to even give my life for that person. Evan. Am I a precious person to my master? Can I persuade that person?”

I couldn’t answer. The weight of the question was too heavy for me to answer. No. 5 didn’t seem to expect an answer from me either. He reached his own conclusion and laughed as if intoxicated by it. And then he said this.

“If you follow the mountain ridge, there’s a village called Phoebe. From what I’ve heard, a skilled tanner lives there.”

“What?”

A snowstorm raged. White ice shards separated the two of us. In the frosty wind, No. 5’s figure scattered like an illusion. I stood in front of the tavern feeling like I was dreaming, and not even No. 5’s footprints remained on the snow.