Ch.7474. Selfish Human.

74.

When I realized that what I believed to be my only hope was nothing but an illusion.

I denied it, insisting it couldn’t be true, and lost consciousness right where I stood.

I had escaped into dreams rather than face a reality I couldn’t possibly accept.

But what awaited my escape wasn’t a pleasant dream filled with hope.

Just me, standing alone in a narrow room cluttered with junk, surrounded by countless floating photographs.

The innumerable photos captured scenes of everywhere I’d been with the drone.

There was no paradise in the place I’d escaped to.

Despairing in a reality so harsh that even my usual nightmares seemed preferable, I despaired again and again until…

“…Ah.”

I returned from reality to reality.

Looking up from where I’d collapsed on the floor, my photos were still floating above me.

But… something was strange.

The photos that had surrounded mine, the ones I’d seen with my own eyes, had completely vanished.

In their place appeared a new past I’d never seen before.

“…”

Which was the dream and which was reality?

I wondered, but I didn’t want to know the truth.

Both dream and reality were too heavy for someone who had lost all hope.

—If I can’t tell them apart, I wish they would all join hands and disappear far away from me.

Repeating those words to myself, I closed my eyes once more.

My body, though just awakened, still felt submerged in dreams.

I could escape from reality again and again.

How many times had I repeated this escape from reality?

It felt as though the thread that had been supporting me all this time had snapped.

Though clearly conscious, I couldn’t move a finger, like a broken doll.

Had I injured my head or neck when I collapsed after realizing the truth?

Or had I lost my will to live and surrendered control of my body to despair?

I wasn’t sure, but my body wouldn’t move, and I didn’t particularly want it to.

“—miss, —okay?”

When I woke from sleep, I heard what sounded like someone calling me. My ears were muffled so I couldn’t hear clearly, but it was definitely Robot’s voice.

Thanks to Robot staying by my side, I could distinguish between reality and dreams that looked exactly like reality.

If no one had been with me, I might have carried out the same self-destructive actions in reality that I did in my dreams.

As I found comfort imagining myself—no one else but me—killing myself just as I had in my dreams, I suddenly started laughing.

Just taking a breath and laughing lightly caused pain in my chest and throat.

It was only natural, since I’d been doing nothing but sleeping without properly eating or drinking.

Making choking sounds while my body shook—I must have looked like someone having seizures on the verge of death.

Sure enough, Robot’s face was filled with concern as he tried to hold down my trembling body.

Common sense would suggest I should calm down and drink some water first.

But my current state was so ridiculous, so absurdly funny, that I simply couldn’t stop laughing.

‘The more hope you hold, the greater the fall into despair when that hope isn’t fulfilled.

Those who cannot endure sudden despair will wish for death rather than life.

Therefore, to survive, one must not harbor false hopes.’

Those were the very words I used to repeat like a mantra.

How truly ridiculous.

After lecturing so knowingly about life and people, it turns out I was the one living in hope all along.

How ridiculous must I have seemed to the people of the past who watched me after learning the whole truth?

I felt ashamed. And I deeply resented those who had kept the truth from me for so long.

Words can be fabricated, but life cannot.

Even if not now, I would have learned the truth eventually, so why hide it until now?

Did they want information about the future that badly?

“Ha… haha…”

I know. These thoughts of mine aren’t reasonable.

The deleted messages that had appeared periodically since I first discovered the drone.

Just like the message about building the Ark that arrived and then disappeared, those messages that occasionally appeared and created a sense of dissonance were surely traces of someone watching me mentioning the time between us.

But for some reason, the truth had never been conveyed to me, and I believed that only what I could see was real.

While claiming nothing happens without cause, I saw suspicious messages like “A gift for the last wanderer” and thought I was just lucky.

Seeing words that seemed too ignorant of this world to be from someone merely far away, I made up my own explanations.

Yes, there were many strange things. I simply chose to ignore them because I didn’t want to let go of the hope I’d found.

How can I blame anyone when I was the one covering my own eyes?

No one ever said I could meet them directly, yet I believed I could and then despaired when I couldn’t.

And despite all that, I still wanted to live. Unable to control my emotions, I blamed others freely.

I truly was a selfishly ridiculous human being.

…I just wanted to live that badly.

* *

“Are you feeling better now?”

“Yeah.”

“Squeak, whine…”

“No, I’m fine now.”

After laughing and laughing, my cluttered mind cleared a bit.

Right. When I think about it, nothing has really changed.

My relationship with those people was nothing more than exchanging occasional words through the drone anyway.

Whether the people beyond the drone exist in this world or not.

I still had a reason to move forward.

“Are you certain there are living people in Paradise?”

“Yes.”

“I wonder how you can be so sure when you’ve never been to Paradise yourself… but I won’t ask.”

Robot said there were people in Paradise.

I don’t know if the people living in Paradise have their own will, but.

If Robot isn’t lying to me, at least their hearts are still beating.

“Well, my goal of going to Paradise hasn’t changed. That’s enough. Yeah.”

I’m not sure what I’ll do after that—but Paradise is still my destination.

I’ve just learned a small truth and become a little more acquainted with despair. Nothing has changed.

“Well. Since I’ve rested for so long, I should work extra hard now. It would be a shame to end the journey in a place like this after coming all this way.”

I slowly got up. I began to notice physical problems I hadn’t been aware of while sleeping.

A parched mouth. A stomach that had gone from hunger to pain. Arms too weak to even support my upper body.

My condition was worse than I thought. I wonder how long I’d been asleep.

“You know.”

It would be nice to set off on the journey again with renewed vigor, but there was something I needed to say first.

“If it weren’t for you two… I definitely wouldn’t have gotten up.”

It was Robot and Puppy who saved me when my will to live had broken and I was no different from a corpse.

Dropping water into my mouth a few drops at a time through my clouded eyes. Covering me with blankets and sharing warmth.

Even if it was just programmed behavior, they were the saviors of my life.

“Sigh. Do you have any idea how hard it was to force-feed you?”

“How long was I out?”

“About 5 days.”

…I was out longer than I thought. If they hadn’t given me water, I might have really died.

“Huff huff.”

“Yes, yes. Thank you. I didn’t realize it, but it’s pretty cold in here.”

“There’s no heating or anything, so of course it’s cold. You didn’t even feel the cold?”

“No. I really couldn’t feel anything.”

That’s how… I was in such a long dream.

“Oh my.”

I wanted to get up, but my body kept going limp.

Hearing my stomach screaming with hunger, I figured I should eat something before moving.

“I feel like eating meat… but broccoli sticks?”

“Eating greasy food on an empty stomach might make you sick.”

“Hmm… well, I guess I’m so hungry it tastes good. Would’ve been better with cheese sprinkled on top though.”

“As if we’d have anything like cheese!”

“I know.”

I was just complaining because I wanted to complain, but I had no intention of ignoring Robot’s concern for my health.

I don’t particularly like diet foods, but compared to bugs, this is luxurious.

“How much food do we have left?”

“If we’re careful… about two weeks, I think.”

“Two weeks… that should be enough.”

After filling my stomach, I got up and turned off the computer.

Just like when we look up at stars in the universe and see their past appearance.

The photos containing images of the past disappeared in an instant.

“So the drone was rolling around on the floor like me. I wonder if it still works? I hope it does.”

Even if they’re people I’ll never meet, it would be sad to part like this.

I placed the drone on the desk and pressed the button on the controller.

[Searching for available networks….]

But the only response was that it was searching for available networks.

“It’s not working well.”

“Yeah.”

I opened the message window hoping for something, but there were no new messages either.

It seemed the connection had been cut when I learned the truth.

“I guess it’s only natural after showing so many futures. No one would sit still knowing a terrible future is approaching.”

Compared to this world, a single person is so small and weak, but it’s those people together who created this world.

Unlike the past that has already gone by, the future exists at the end of countless possibilities.

With firm determination, changing a predetermined future might not be entirely impossible.

And that changed future would surely be warmer than the world I exist in.

“…That would be nice.”

But well.

If I think that because of me, many people were able to escape this terrible disaster and the end of the world.

Maybe it’s not all bad.

“By the way, did you two know the drone was connected to the past?”

“No. We had information about the last wanderer, but we had no idea Mori’s videos were being transmitted to the past.”

“Really? I thought you would have known.”

“…W-we only think and act within the bounds of common sense! Time travel—it’s truly a miraculous thing that happened, isn’t it?”

“A miracle… yeah, maybe it was.”

Having recovered somewhat, I slowly made my way to the surface.

The endless snowfield and Alexander standing alone, covered in waterproof fabric.

I couldn’t help but smile at the overly familiar scenery.

“You know.”

Looking down at the snow where not a single footprint had been made, I said:

Even if this journey comes to an end, I won’t leave you alone in this desolate place.

So please stay with me until then.