Ch.66Lovers, Yet Not Lovers (4)

“Miss.”

He didn’t reach her. No, even though he had, she was ignoring him.

I sigh at the sight of her back still turned to me.

Because I understood what had hurt her feelings,

approaching her wasn’t easy at all.

The reason she was upset, and why she was so anxious.

Since I knew well that I was the cause,

all I could do was look at Irene and wait until she felt like talking.

…It was my fault. If there was something I had to admit, it was that her anxiety was my fault.

Wasn’t she particularly sensitive about me getting hurt?

Moreover, I had just returned after being seriously injured this time,

so she couldn’t help but react sensitively to the Crown Prince’s request to help hunt down the dark mage again.

Even if everything I did was for Irene, I needed to consider how she would feel.

Perhaps I had acted too hastily. But how could I have predicted what happened in Hatan?

As Irene remained silent with her back turned, showing no sign of speaking, I could only sigh helplessly and gaze at her back.

“…Why did you follow me? Shouldn’t you be finishing your conversation with His Highness?”

Her voice, finally heard, contained no vitality.

Colorless—if I were to express that voice in color, wouldn’t it feel cold, mixed with gray and black?

So I stared blankly at Irene, then opened my mouth with an awkward smile.

“I followed because I was worried. You didn’t look well.”

“Worried, worried, you say.”

When Irene turned around with those muttered words, her expression couldn’t be described as good.

As she approached me with a faint, seemingly sarcastic smile,

I unconsciously hesitated at the chill I felt from her.

She was angry. Though it didn’t seem like it on the surface, she was clearly angry with me.

In this close proximity that would have made me feel butterflies before, all I could sense was her anger.

Anger so restrained it had turned cold. Those chilly blue eyes met mine, and then Irene let out a hollow laugh before quietly speaking.

“You say you’re worried now, but in the end, you’ll go to hunt the dark mage anyway. Isn’t that right?”

“If you tell me not to go, I won’t—”

“Don’t lie. You will go. With the excuse of doing it for me, with the excuse that the dark mage might threaten Yuris. Didn’t you do the same before? Three years ago, on your birthday. Despite my telling you not to go, you went anyway.”

At her words, I had no choice but to close my mouth.

Because everything she said was true, and because I might indeed act that way, I could only quietly look at her.

I saw her eyebrows trembling. I saw the regret in her eyes.

A bitter taste filled my mouth as I watched her forcing herself to be angry despite regretting it, worried that I might get hurt.

If only she would hit me instead,

I bit my lip as she stared at me with fists clenched so tightly they turned white.

Blood seeped from the soft flesh as I bit it, and tasting that metallic flavor, I slowly opened my mouth.

“I’m sorry.”

“…I, you.”

Perhaps due to her rising breath, Irene closed her mouth without finishing her words, then spoke again.

“You don’t know how much I worry about you. Evan.”

How could I not know that feeling? The anxious gaze she had whenever she looked at me.

Did she think I hadn’t noticed her trembling eyes?

I too didn’t want to leave her behind.

I don’t know how many people would welcome walking the line between life and death, but I certainly wasn’t among them.

Yet I had gone forward anyway—had that only served to increase her worry?

I couldn’t think of what to say. In this situation, I couldn’t think of what words to offer her.

With my mind gone blank, all I could do was stare at her.

I couldn’t stop her as her body slowly turned away.

“…Don’t follow me.”

I reached out toward her retreating figure, but ultimately couldn’t reach her.

And so, powerlessly, my hand that had grasped at empty air simply fell.

#

The wind was cold. A chill that didn’t suit spring touched my body and scattered, making me shrink from the cold.

As the sky darkened and twilight deepened, I moved my feet forward.

No one would know where I was heading.

I was simply moving without a destination, only wanting to avoid one person.

I frowned at the pain that felt like a needle piercing my heart.

Even though it was already in the past, my chest ached whenever I thought about what had just happened.

There was no need to be so angry with him, and the words I had blurted out in that heated moment kept bothering me.

I could have spoken more gently, more softly… I could have conveyed it that way.

Whenever I recalled Evan’s face looking at me before lowering his head, my breath caught at the rising emotion.

It was nothing but forced anger.

I knew well that I had thrown a childish tantrum that made no sense.

In the end, he would be the one to fight the dark mage, yet I had gotten angry at him, which only made me feel childish.

He had just returned after being seriously injured. He was someone who always returned with major wounds, yet smiled at me as if nothing was wrong.

…I didn’t like that. I wished he would be a little more honest with me.

Telling me he was in pain, that it was difficult. Wouldn’t it be better if he told me such things?

It was selfish, but it was also a wish I had held for years.

Whenever he returned injured and I wrapped his bandages, I bit my lip behind him.

All I could do was receive his empty promise that he wouldn’t get hurt next time.

“Ha.”

Finding it ridiculous that this was all there was, I stood still and laughed hollowly.

How foolish I must look. Like a child throwing a tantrum, getting angry without understanding his heart.

As I leaned against some wall in the palace, I slowly moved forward thinking.

The flickering candlelight on the wall, the moonlight shining brightly before it. It was a familiar scene.

Wasn’t it similar to the view I had seen at the Crystal Palace? But I realized Evan wouldn’t be at the end of it.

It was different from then. Lonely, solitary, and a cold wind blew against my cheek.

Couldn’t I have spoken more kindly to him? But I knew it couldn’t be undone.

Pushing away Evan when he came to hold me… ridiculously, I had done that myself.

It was impulsive, done on impulse. If I thought about it a little, the surge of emotion was because several memories had overlapped.

The Crown Prince’s words, asking for help to hunt down the dark mage.

I had heard it three years ago too.

Hadn’t I hidden behind a wall and overheard Evan meeting with the Crown Prince, saying he would help deal with the dark mage?

And for the three years since, Evan had fought countless dark mages.

Even without recalling this recent incident, there had been quite a few. Hadn’t the medal on his chest been filled with as many as ten petals?

At first, he wasn’t injured. Evan’s face, proudly smiling as he kept his promise to return safely, was vivid in my mind.

Saying it would always be that way, telling me not to worry too much—I smiled faintly at the memory.

And then the next time. Evan returned with a slightly cut forearm, smiling awkwardly.

It would be fine.

It was just this once. Next time he wouldn’t get hurt.

But as time passed, as encounters with dark mages increased,

the wounds Evan returned with grew more numerous and larger.

At first, just shallow cuts. Then a gouged shoulder,

returning with blood flowing from his head. The promise he had kept at first was now just an empty shell.

As if it were natural to return injured, Evan, smiling as if nothing was wrong, always told me:

-I’m fine.

Even while returning with a pierced stomach, a gouged shoulder, his body painted with blood, his words were always the same.

How could I take “I’m fine” at face value? He wasn’t fine.

Neither was he, nor I who heard those words. As time passed, Evan grew stronger, but the wounds he returned with grew even larger.

And what if he were to die? It was something I didn’t even want to imagine,

but if such a thing happened… I could hardly imagine what emotions I would feel.

Wouldn’t I go back to how I was before meeting him?

Everything that had happened with him would shatter like foam.

Thinking about this, I shook my head to clear the thoughts.

The more complicated my thoughts became, the more my breath quickened.

Exhaling a heavy breath, I slowly walked forward.

Toward the growing moonlight. Slowly, listening to the clicking of my shoes.

I harbored a subtle hope that Evan might be ahead. Like a lie, might he appear there?

Like when we were at the Crystal Palace, could I see him standing under the moon?

Click.

But Evan wasn’t there.

The empty balcony, a space where only cold wind circulated without a trace of people, was filled with nothing but silence.

I inhaled hollowly in disappointment, then exhaled while quietly looking around.

The sky was truly unkind. As if mocking me, brilliant stars illuminated the surroundings.

If only I could see this sky with Evan. Erasing the thought that arose, I closed my eyes tightly again.

But the thought wouldn’t easily disappear. I let out a hollow laugh at the green eyes that came to mind whenever I tried to forget.

“Haah…”

I missed him.

I already knew what this feeling was—a heart that ached so much, an anxiety that rose whenever we were apart even a little.

That this was love, that the impatience I felt while burning his many letters was actually jealousy.

Wasn’t that why I had gotten so angry? Wishing he wouldn’t be in danger,

hoping he would focus a little more on me rather than that—wasn’t that why I had acted so childishly?

…It was just an excuse. I thought Evan might be angry at what I had said.

Despite knowing that he always considered and cared for me, I had spoken that way,

so how could he not be angry? My hand gripping the balcony tightened.

The sound of a waltz increased that strength.

The banquet held to honor Evan’s achievements—surely Evan would be there too.

The many ladies sending courtship signals to my knight,

thinking of them, I felt my emotions rising again without realizing it.

My brow furrowed. I could almost see the actions of the ladies who would do anything to approach him.

If I had been by his side, I would have stopped them, but what could I do now that I was out here alone?

I wished Evan would appear here like a lie.

Of course, that wouldn’t happen, but what were the chances he would come looking for me, tired of the banquet?

‘That’s absurd.’

It was just a fantasy. A fantasy that was just my own wish, with an extremely low probability of coming true.

He would be receiving congratulations from others at the banquet, and I would be left alone like this… staring blankly at the sky.

The wind was so cold that I unconsciously gripped my arms.

How could the wind be so cold when summer was approaching? The dress I had worn to look good for Evan was rather thin.

As I gripped my arms and slowly tried to turn around,

Thud.

My body stiffened at the hand that grabbed my shoulder.

Who on earth had grabbed my shoulder? But the warmth was familiar.

The comfort that seemed to melt my body as soon as it touched me was surprising, and then the voice that reached my ears made me startled.

“It’s cold today.”

When I turned my head, what I saw was Evan’s face looking at me, no different from usual.

With a faint smile, Evan, who had draped the cloak he was wearing over my shoulders, opened his mouth.

“Why are you here alone? Didn’t you hear about the banquet?”

“Evan, why are you here?”

“Don’t you know I don’t enjoy things like banquets?”

For a moment, my mind went blank and I lost track of what to say.

Why was Evan here? Had what I wished for actually come true?

Wondering if what I was seeing was an illusion, I touched my eyes, but Evan’s figure didn’t disappear, and I slightly parted my lips.

“…Aren’t you angry?”

I asked cautiously. Even that came out very quietly because I was too surprised,

and Evan slowly turned his head to look at me intently.

I couldn’t tell what he was thinking as he stared at me, then he smiled slightly and answered.

“Why would I be angry? Do I seem that narrow-minded to you?”

My face grew hot at his casual response.

While my heart had been so complicated, had Evan actually not been bothered by it at all?

Although I was glad, glad that he had come like this, I didn’t want to show it and opened my mouth gruffly.

“His Highness held a banquet for you, what are you doing coming out here? Go back. I’m fine.”

“Are you sincere? In saying that, I mean.”

“……”

How could I be sincere? In my heart, I wanted to hold him back, telling him not to go, to stay here.

But unable to say that, I just closed my mouth tightly and looked at Evan.

It was uncomfortable to meet the gaze of those green eyes that always looked at me.

That smile that still remained despite my anger was uncomfortable.

So I turned my gaze away, and Evan, seeing this, opened his mouth again.

“I thought you would be here. The memory of the Crystal Palace suddenly came to mind, so I headed here just in case. And here you were.”

Evan’s face, smiling slightly as he said this, sparkled in the moonlight.

The golden hair caught the light and shattered, and for a moment, I couldn’t help but be captivated by Evan’s face, dazzlingly bright.

His smile was directed at me.

Newly delighted by that fact, I carefully stroked my cheek to hide the rising heat.

“If you ask why I came looking for you… it’s simple.”

“Simple? What do you…”

“I missed you. That’s all.”

I had heard those words before. Even though I had heard him say he missed me before,

somehow those words sounded so new that my heart began to beat rapidly.

It was annoying how casually he said such things.

While I was so sensitive to those words, it bothered me that he could easily throw them out without showing the slightest reaction.

Yet I liked him despite that, and I lowered my head lest he see my reddened cheeks.

Gently, so that the moonlight wouldn’t reach my face and reveal it.