Ch.62Chapter 8. The Lives of Others (4)

It would be more accurate to say I encircled her wrist with my fingers rather than grabbed it. Just enough that she could easily pull away if she wanted to.

Camilla didn’t shake off my hand. But she didn’t enter the room either. She just stood there quietly.

So I made the move.

“Johan?”

Camilla followed me into her room, surprised. The CCTV lenses installed throughout the walls looked unusually dull today.

I could still hear noise from the rooms above, below, and beside us, but I’d grown accustomed to it and hardly noticed anymore.

The only place for two people to sit was the bed. Camilla obediently sat down as I led her. Continuing to hold her wrist felt awkwardly ambiguous, so I carefully covered her calloused hand with mine.

“What are you doing?”

Her tone didn’t hide her displeasure. But she slightly curled her fingers. Making it easier for me to hold her, easier for her to be held.

Thinking about it, it had always been this way with Camilla. Our words and actions would contradict each other, but our bodies were always honest. We read each other’s true feelings not from words, but from actions.

So this time too, I let my body guide my thoughts and words.

“I’m worried.”

“Huh, what?”

“I said I’m worried.”

After saying it, I realized it sounded confrontational.

Fortunately, Camilla seemed at a loss for words. She probably never expected to hear something like this. I didn’t expect to say it either. So I might as well continue.

“Both of us had fevers until yesterday. We never properly rested in the unprotected zone. We were always on night watch, with uncomfortable sleeping arrangements. At least here, though it’s noisy, we don’t have to worry about zombies or standing guard. So…”

What am I saying? Speaking without thinking is making my tongue trip over itself.

“So I think it’s normal to feel sick and tired when the tension finally releases. But this seems different from that. What’s making you so anxious?”

Before a surprised Camilla could pull her hand away, I quickly grasped it. Though flustered, she met my gaze.

Somehow, I felt I couldn’t lose this staring contest. It was harder than arm wrestling, but I didn’t look away.

“Your physical strength is better than mine, Camilla. I know that. Even when you were tired and exhausted, you always kept moving, always did so much.

That’s why this is so strange. You know how to fight even when your strength is gone, so why have you been like this since we got here? Even now, your hands are trembling slightly.”

Camilla pressed close to my side. She gently wrapped her arms around mine and rested her head on my shoulder.

I could vividly feel her chest against my forearm. The subtle, delicate trembling transmitted directly through our bodies. I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her closer.

“…Why do you want to know that?”

Her tone was still curt, but her body leaned into mine. I wasn’t sure if it was pride or if she was as awkward as I was.

So I decided to be completely awkward.

“Because I want to.”

I slowly embraced the startled Camilla. Ignoring the stirring inside me, I laid her down on the bed. The distinctive smell of vinyl covering the mattress was sharp.

After struggling as if trying to escape, Camilla eventually wrapped her arms around my waist.

“…I can’t talk about it. Not now.”

Camilla stared at me intently as she spoke. She repeated it once more, as if affirming it to herself.

“I don’t want to be a burden to you. I don’t want to talk about it like I’m asking for sympathy because I’ve been through something. What’s the point of talking about things that can’t be changed? We can’t turn back time anyway.”

Her words drew a line, but her voice trembled and her gaze wandered. Just like when she asked me to go with her.

A woman who tracked me down by following traces, yet feared being alone. Someone who knew how to fight even when exhausted, but couldn’t hide her inexplicable anxiety.

Which was her true self? I didn’t know. I just pulled her closer. Just like my teacher had done for me.

I raised my hand and gently stroked her back. I thought it was like comforting a crying child, but Camilla remained still.

I don’t know how much time passed.

“Johan.”

“Yes?”

“You know, I wasn’t a good athlete.”

I looked at Camilla, wondering where this sudden comment came from. She wasn’t trembling anymore. Her gaze was steady.

“I always ranked between 5th and 10th. They said I could easily win medals if I just pushed a little harder, but I never managed to cross that line, even by graduation.”

“But you were doing well as a model.”

Camilla smiled, but it looked somewhat melancholic.

“…Yes. I was. I made decent money. Tuition, living expenses… sometimes even pocket money for my parents. It wasn’t something I did unwillingly, but it wasn’t what I truly wanted either.”

When talking about swimming, Camilla became a different person.

There seemed to be a strange vitality, yet sometimes she would hesitate and falter. It was unnatural, like someone abruptly turning off the music while you’re dancing enthusiastically. Camilla continued speaking while fidgeting with my hair.

“Someone once told me that I was only getting attention as ‘an athlete-turned-model’ or ‘an athlete who models,’ not as a proper athlete or model. It was said by a woman who failed an audition and was bitter about it, but strangely, those words stuck with me.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“…Well. Some nails are hard to pull out. Then after I… stopped swimming. I joined the Liberation Group. I hated Römer, and I hated the Elsa puppet government even more.

I thought if we established a country just for Elsa people, there would be no more suffering. My modeling experience helped then. Thanks to that… not-so-funny propaganda, membership increased dramatically.

At the time, I felt proud… thinking I was making a real difference. But then.”

A deep sigh. Camilla’s hair fell across her face. I brushed it away with my hand.

Camilla pressed her face toward my palm. She calmed down when I cupped her cheek. I waited until she was completely settled.

“Johan. There was a guy named Hut. He was the original owner of that bag you recovered, and that mobile phone. No, ‘original owner’ isn’t right… he probably stole the phone or bought it on the black market. He abandoned that bag at Mini Bell.”

“Did he?”

“Yes. Then I got in touch with you, and Hans recruited ‘volunteers’ in not-so-pleasant ways. He told us to go to Lambert to retrieve the bag, or at least confirm if it was there.

The result… I won’t go into details. But… um. At the fire truck… Ah. I shouldn’t cry. I’m sorry.”

I pulled her closer to indicate it was okay. The creaking sound of the mattress and the smell of vinyl rose again. But all I could see was Camilla.

“…While escaping, I saw Hut. He was trapped in a cage dropped by a helicopter. He’d already been bitten by zombies and had no chance of survival.

He asked me to kill him. Said he wanted to die as a human. Even though he was a traitor, I did it. Because no person should suffer like that. But. He said something strange.”

“What did he say?”

“That Hans had deceived all of us. That I was being deceived too. He said the evidence was in a video on his mobile phone. The one being restored in the living room right now.”

This was the first I’d heard of this. I never imagined that the item I was planning to sell contained something like that.

Wait. If that’s the case, then the reason Camilla followed me here…

“You followed me because of the phone?”

“That was one reason. But not the only one. I didn’t think about taking it back or bringing it somewhere.

Even before Hut told me I was being deceived… I had my doubts. About what I was doing, whether I could trust Hans. Remember when I entrusted you with the phone?”

I remembered. When she gave it to me, saying she wouldn’t contact her comrades.

At that time, she didn’t take mine. If she had really been after my phone, she probably would have taken it then. But she didn’t.

“Yes. I remember.”

“…Believe me. I never intended to deceive you. Not even now. I want to stay by your side. Like this.”

“But you’re anxious.”

“Because I’m scared.”

“Of what?”

“I’m scared of seeing with my own eyes that I might have been wrong again.”

Camilla burrowed deeper into my arms. She was whimpering.

“I… I’ve never achieved what I truly wanted. I loved swimming… but now I can’t do it. I thought everything would be better if I joined the liberation movement.

But… now I don’t even know what I was doing. If only, back then, I hadn’t made decisions for my comrades, maybe they wouldn’t have died…”

Camilla’s words were becoming jumbled. I couldn’t quite understand what she meant. But her confusion was evident. And the last part was definitely wrong.

“No.”

I held Camilla tightly. It felt like calming a fierce, sorrowful dog.

“No, Camilla. That’s not it. How can anyone know the future? If you had known, you wouldn’t have done it, right?”

“…What if. What if I really was being deceived, how should I live now?”

What should I say? I had no experience with this. Camilla seemed to be falling. To avoid falling with her, I needed to grab onto something.

“Do what you like. You still like swimming, don’t you?”

“I do.”

“Then you can do it again.”

“I can’t.”

Camilla’s eyes widened. There was venom in her voice. The person who had been trembling just moments ago now wore a bitter expression. A look of hatred.

“What do you mean you can’t?”

“I… I can’t enter swimming pools.”

Camilla gritted her teeth. I couldn’t understand. A woman who majored in water ballet couldn’t enter swimming pools?

“…The sea too. On days when it poured rain, I felt like I was going crazy. Because I hated being around so much water. If I hadn’t exercised like mad, I couldn’t have endured it.”

At the safe house, Camilla never stayed still. At the time, I thought it was just because she was an athlete, restless during a rare break. But that wasn’t the whole story.

“What happened?”

“Römer. They took it away from me. My dream, my life…”

Fire sparked in Camilla’s eyes.

“That’s why I can’t forgive them. I’ll kill them all. I’ll kill them. All of them… every last one… So. So I tried to kill them all. That’s why I joined the liberation movement… But. But if I was being deceived, then I.”

A betrayed avenger.

A bitter taste filled my mouth. I felt like I understood the feeling.

Someone whose entire foundation has crumbled can never see the world the same way again. Some things, once known, can never be forgotten. Even if you piece together what’s broken, you can’t erase the cracks that have formed.

So I stand up.

Camilla grabbed me as I tried to get up from the bed. I let her cling to me, then lifted her up. This is the first time I’ve been glad I worked out.

“…Johan?”

“Let’s watch it together.”

“Huh?”

“You said you wanted to stay together.”

“I get that, but why.”

Camilla struggled as if trying to get down. I firmly supported her bottom and embraced her back. It looked like I was kidnapping her, which was kind of true, so it didn’t matter.

“I’ll decide.”

“What?”

“If you regret your decisions so much, I’ll decide for you. You can’t live trapped forever. So this isn’t your decision.

It’s mine, and you’re just following along. So don’t say things like you shouldn’t have watched it, or whatever. Deal with it when it’s time.”

“…Why should I do that?”

“So you won’t be trapped in the past and can move forward.”

Camilla didn’t move.

…But my arms are starting to hurt. I should have just put her down. She’s heavier than she looks. How long are we going to stay like this?

“Johan.”

“Yes?”

Rather than getting down, Camilla pressed even closer. She wrapped her arms around my shoulders and back, and her legs around my waist. I knew she had long limbs, but I didn’t expect her to cling to me like this. Well, this is actually better.

“Tell me.”

“What?”

“That you want to have me.”

It’s fortunate we’re holding each other so tightly. So we can’t see each other’s expressions.

“Tell me I’m yours. Tell me that if I just listen to you, everything will be fine.”