Ch.57Memory Loss (5)

Nineteen years is a long time. On the other hand, two days is far too short. So it’s absolutely impossible for my identity to completely change because of just two days.

The reason Ju-an suddenly feels different is clearly because I’m embarrassed. After pulling such an outrageous stunt, it would be strange if I wasn’t embarrassed.

But I’m fine now. I’ve regained my senses somewhat, and the embarrassment has subsided a bit. So I should be able to face Ju-an normally again.

With that thought, I left the bathroom and saw Ju-an waiting for me, having already finished his hamburger.

So he finished it all. Well, I’m not embarrassed… What’s wrong with friends doing that?

“Can I ask you something?”

“What is it?”

“You just went into the women’s bathroom and came out, right? Weren’t you embarrassed at all?”

“Bodily functions are natural, aren’t they? What’s there to be embarrassed about?”

“That’s strange… You should have your memories back by now…”

“What’s strange? I’m a woman, so of course I use the women’s bathroom…”

Suddenly I felt something profoundly wrong with my behavior.

“…Wait a minute.”

I immediately ran back toward the women’s bathroom. And when I entered, I should naturally feel shame…

I should be embarrassed… I definitely should be embarrassed… but why?

Right, it must be because there’s no one here! If someone walks by, I’ll surely be too embarrassed to even look up!

Fortunately, someone came out of a bathroom stall. And I naturally should feel shame…

….

I stood still until that person washed her hands and left, but I didn’t feel anything unusual.

…Agath must have done something. There’s no other explanation for this situation. So this is all Agath’s fault.

When I get home, I’m definitely going to kill Agath. I’m prepared to sacrifice about 200 years of my lifespan for it.

After making that deep commitment, I went back outside the bathroom to Ju-an.

“Why did you suddenly go back to the bathroom?”

“I left something there. But can I ask you something?”

“What?”

“How do I look to you?”

This might sound strange, but I appear to be a woman on the outside. But if you look closely, there are male characteristics. But can those really be called male characteristics?

Would anyone see a woman as a man just because she acts manly? What are the standards for being manly or womanly in the first place?

Even for the same actions, people perceive them differently depending on gender. If a man acts powerfully, can that be considered manly behavior?

What is manly behavior to begin with? What makes someone feel like a man?

I haven’t changed at all. My thoughts are still the same. I still use formal speech with strangers. My way of speaking hasn’t changed either.

But to ordinary people, I look like a woman. Even Ha-eun sees me as a woman.

So why do I look like a woman? Obviously because of my appearance. Because of this cursed body, my life continues to be denied.

I’m clearly the same. I’m still me. I’m the same person who lived as an ordinary boy for 19 years. So why does everyone see me as a girl? How can this mere body override my 19 years of life?

If even Ju-an, who’s been with me for 12 years, sees me as a woman… does that mean my 19 years become meaningless?

“Obviously you look like my most precious friend.”

“Besides that?”

“Well… someone I want to protect?”

“Tell me more specifically.”

“I used to always receive help from you. So as repayment, I want to help you this time.”

“Not that kind of answer!”

It’s not a bad answer. But it doesn’t quench my thirst.

A definitive answer. Nothing but a clear answer about whether I’m a man or a woman will satisfy this thirst.

“Do I look like a man to you? Or just a girl?”

“I told you, you look like my most precious friend.”

“Stop joking around and answer properly…”

“Even if your appearance has changed, you’re still my most precious friend. And you probably always will be.”

Ju-an continued speaking as if trying to reassure me.

“What does it matter if you’re a man or a woman? You’re still you.”

“But… if I gradually lose myself and eventually nothing remains… would that still be me?”

“Did you know? Most of a person’s cells change within six months. Does that mean I’m no longer myself after six months?”

“…”

“Change is natural. It would be stranger if you didn’t change.”

I seem to have become more emotional lately. Come to think of it, I’ve heard that female hormones have a significant impact on emotions…

Whatever the case, it’s clear that I got worked up over nothing.

What does it matter if my thinking gradually becomes more feminine? That’s just evidence that I’m adapting to this body.

When I return to a male body, my thinking will change back to being masculine again. There’s a reason they say humans are adaptable creatures.

Let’s stop thinking about this nonsense. Let’s just focus on having fun now.

“So you’ve finished eating? Then let’s hurry up and go have fun. Time is precious.”

“Okay, are we going to the arcade we went to last time?”

“Of course we are.”

Ju-an looked at me as if relieved. Come to think of it, now I’m the one receiving counseling. It feels somewhat novel.

So I also felt reassured as we left the store, but while walking, a question suddenly came to mind.

“…Can I really ask one last thing?”

“Sure.”

“Do I look like a man to you? Or a woman?”

Ju-an looked at me with concern.

“No… I… I’m not having an identity crisis! It’s just… I’m just curious how I look to you… no… I mean…”

I was so flustered that I started rambling. This is purely curiosity. There are absolutely no strange thoughts behind it.

“Will you tell me honestly?”

“…Tell me honestly.”

“…You look like a woman.”

After answering, Ju-an quickly turned his head away. And I reflexively turned my head away too.

I said nothing about me had changed, but in the end, even Ju-an sees me as a woman. It feels somewhat like betrayal.

But strangely, I don’t feel that bad. Rather, I feel somewhat relieved. Maybe I’m just happy thinking about playing at the arcade.

“Did I… say something wrong…?”

“…No. Thanks for telling me, actually.”

And then silence continued. I want to say something, but I’m too embarrassed to open my mouth.

Even if I adapt to this body, it’s still uncomfortable to be treated as a woman. That must be why.

The silence continued until we arrived at the arcade.

***

When we arrived at the arcade, a familiar scene unfolded before my eyes. But there aren’t that many people here.

Anyway, I spoke to Ju-an.

“We’re here. What do you want to do first?”

“I don’t have anything specific in mind. Is there something you want to do?”

“I don’t have anything specific in mind either.”

“Then let’s look around and think about it.”

I started walking around looking for games to play with Ju-an. And Ju-an stopped in front of the horror shooting game we played before.

“Ah, it’s been a while since we played that.”

“…Don’t tell me you want to play that?”

“It was fun. But if you don’t want to, we don’t have to.”

I absolutely don’t want to play that. To be honest, I’m weak when it comes to scary things. So I really can’t handle games like that.

Plus, the game is terribly unfriendly. You have to hit zombies multiple times just to kill one, ammo and lives are always scarce, and the space is disgustingly cramped.

Why would they design it so that we have to sit so close together?

“…Then do you want to play that?”

Thinking about it, there is a reason to play it. My shooting skills did improve a bit after playing it last time.

Besides, I should try to build up my courage too. How can I maintain my composure when fighting the Demon King with such little courage?

So rationally speaking, playing this game would be beneficial.

“Are you really okay with it? You seemed to have a hard time last time.”

“My courage has grown a lot since doing that quest. So I’ll be fine.”

“Okay, but let me know if it gets too much.”

“Fine, let’s just hurry up and play. Time is precious.”

So the two of us entered that game machine again, just like before. And because the space was tight, we had to sit close together.

As a result, I could feel Ju-an’s body heat and even his heartbeat.

“Lite? Are you really not scared?”

Ju-an called me Lite again. But I don’t feel that bad about it. Maybe I’m getting used to being called that?

“Why do you ask suddenly?”

“Well… your heart is beating fast.”

“…It’s probably because I’m scared.”

Maybe I’m still scared after having such a bad experience last time.

“Then maybe we should stop…”

“No! It’s okay! I can handle this much!”

I hurriedly stopped Ju-an. I don’t know exactly why, but I seem to want to play this game.

It was fun last time… wasn’t it? It must have been fun, that’s why I’m acting like this now.

“You don’t need to force yourself if it’s too much. So let’s just…”

“No, I really want to play this! Just start already, time is precious.”

“…Alright, shall we start then?”

So we inserted money into the machine and the game started. But it doesn’t feel that scary. Then the reason my heart was beating fast…

It must be because having Ju-an next to me makes me feel secure. Just as he said, it feels like he can really protect me now.

Anyway, we started playing the game.