Ch.4Chapter 4: Feeling My Heart Soften When I Look at You

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Before I closed my eyes for a brief rest, there was something I had planned to say when you entered this hospital room.

It was something I wanted to tell you when you would peek your head in hesitantly through the door, wearing an expression far more uncertain than when you had swung your sword down at me in this very room not long ago.

It was something I had repeated dozens of times in my impossible dreams, dreams I would have whenever I closed my eyes while living in a future that might never come now, drowning in regret.

If you approached my bedside nervously and asked in a voice as small as an ant’s if I was okay.

In my dreams, I would smile gently and tell you I was fine.

And as the dark clouds in your expression gradually cleared away, I would feel relieved.

Then when you apologized for hurting me.

In my dreams, I would tell you that your sword was too fast for me to see, and pat your shoulder with one hand.

I would comfort you, saying it was my lack of ability and that you shouldn’t worry too much.

And then, with a calm expression, as if I already knew the result even though you hadn’t told me.

There was a version of me in my dreams who would sincerely congratulate you on your victory.

It was what I always said in my dreams, when life was so wretched and sordid that dreaming such things was the only way I found strength to live another day.

In my dreams, you would erase your apologetic expression upon hearing my words, and respond to my congratulations with a bright, beaming smile.

It was an expression I used to see often when we played together as children.

I had lamented and mocked myself that I could only see it in dreams now.

I had closed my eyes for a brief rest, excited at the thought of saying these things in the reality I had returned to.

But now, faced with this reality, those words I had rehearsed dozens of times in my dreams seemed stuck to my tongue, refusing to come out.

Why was this happening?

Was it because, contrary to my expectations, you had come to see me at an unexpected hour, placing your hand on my sleeping forehead, looking at me with an expression that seemed on the verge of tears?

“I’m sorry…”

Or was it because of how you spoke with emotions far deeper than anything I had heard in the distant past or in my dreams?

As I witnessed this unexpected scene, indescribable emotions overflowed within me.

“…”

I simply watched in silence, not even thinking to remove your hand from my forehead.

Even though the pain that had been pounding in my head had completely subsided, I could still feel the heat gathering at my forehead where your touch lingered.

Amid my complicated feelings, I worried that you might have missed the finals of the Academy Tournament, which would be the important first step toward becoming the protagonist of this world.

“What about… the finals? How could you come here?”

I asked her with a gruff tone, not with the kindness I had rehearsed dozens of times in my dreams.

‘You idiot.’

Of course, regret washed over me the moment the words left my mouth.

My fiancée had put aside what she was doing because she was worried about me, and this was all I could say to her?

I lamented ruining the first words I spoke to you after traveling back in time.

But Shizu didn’t seem to mind my gruff tone, her worried expression easing slightly as she answered my question.

“Professor Grace… told me. When I heard you were still unconscious in the hospital room, I took a moment to come…”

Ah…

So I was the problem.

Ten years ago, I had quickly regained consciousness and was sitting up in the hospital bed, breathing heavily. After confirming I was fine, she would have gone back and forth between the arena and the waiting room until the finals were over.

But now, hearing that I still hadn’t regained consciousness, she had put aside her match preparations to come see me.

For me… for someone like me.

If I were the person I was around this time before traveling back, I would have scoffed at her sincere words and thrown sharp remarks to stab at her heart.

Back then, you would look at me anxiously and be unable to hide your apologies even for things that weren’t your fault.

“…Still, I’m really… glad you’ve regained consciousness.”

You’re sending such warm energy toward me.

A corner of my heart feels ticklish.

It’s been so long since I felt warmth from someone else’s words, and I want to respond to it.

Having made up my mind, I slowly opened my mouth to speak to Shizu, who was relieved to see me conscious.

“…Yeah.”

“Thanks… for worrying about me.”

I expressed my gratitude sincerely, then turned my head away shyly to avoid her gaze.

It was because I felt embarrassed for not being able to express the apology and gratitude I had wanted to convey when I had the chance.

“…”

I found it strange that there was no sound from the other side whose gaze I was avoiding.

But then—

*Squeeze*

In response to my expression of gratitude, Shizu answered by wrapping her arms around me tightly.

“Did… did the blow to your head do something to you?”

“No… I’m fine.”

As she embraced me, surprised by my reaction that was so different from my usual self at this time, I felt the heat that had been cooling in my face rising again.

‘This damn bastard.’

I cursed my past self thoroughly.

Seeing her brighten at my meager expression of gratitude, while also being surprised at my reaction, I realized just how broken I had been back then.

But one thing I knew for certain.

Although my first day after traveling back in time had deviated from its course from the beginning with this unexpected situation.

I truly enjoyed seeing this side of you through this deviation.

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It took about 20 minutes to calm down the heat in my face and to reassure Shizu, who was fretting over my injured head, trying to send her back to the contestant waiting room so she could focus on preparing for the finals.

“Are… are you sure you’ll be okay without me?”

“I’ll be fine, so please go.”

I tried to reassure and send away Shizu, who was still expressing concern.

“Ugh… I can’t do it. I’m too worried to leave Kal’s side.”

Despite my persuasion, Shizu showed no intention of leaving the hospital room.

“…I’m not a child. Why are you worrying so much?”

I lightly scolded her, suppressing my complex feelings of both annoyance and joy.

I was trying to change her mind about staying by my side regardless of the match.

“But… still.”

Perhaps it was because her gaze was fixed on the faint bloodstain on the bandage wrapped around my head.

*Squeeze*

“You got hurt like this because of me… how could I go somewhere else…”

Shizu, who had wrapped her arms around my right arm while sitting in the chair, seemed to have no intention of leaving this place at all.

From her voice, still somewhat muffled with moisture despite having improved a bit.

She revealed her undisguisable affection for me.

As soon as I heard those words, my heart, which had barely calmed down, tried to race again, but I managed to steady it.

I was happy.

Happy that you were the first person I met after traveling back in time.

Happy to be reminded that we once had moments like this.

But this couldn’t continue.

…I was happy, but you couldn’t be like this right now.

The first moment to prove that you were the pillar that would protect the world was approaching, and here you were, trying to kick it away to check on the condition of your unworthy fiancé.

It was pleasant to meet the pure, untainted version of you from that time after so long.

But if I traveled back in time with the wish that you would have an excellent life as a hero and incomparable happiness, there must be a clear reason for my presence here.

At the very least, that reason couldn’t be to indulge in your affection toward me.

Right now, my job here is to help Shizu complete the tournament smoothly.

That’s all.

So I need to help you get back to the match somehow.

As I was about to think of a way.

Hmm.

A good idea came to mind.

“Shizu.”

When I called her name quietly but with a warmth I hadn’t been able to convey to her until now.

“…Yes?”

Surprised by my gentle voice that she wasn’t used to hearing, Shizu looked up and our eyes met.

Her beautiful blonde hair that fully embraced the golden sunlight.

And her azure eyes reminiscent of the blue sky where that sun hung.

Feeling my heart beating uncontrollably again at the sight of Shizu, whose appearance alone made many men’s hearts flutter, I carefully opened my mouth.

“The finals—”

“No.”

…I tried to speak, but Shizu cut me off before I could finish.

“Do you know what I was going to say and you’re saying no?”

“I don’t care about that match. It won’t affect my graduation from the Cradle.”

“What do you mean ‘that match’? This is such an important—”

“I decide what’s important and what’s not.”

I couldn’t help but smile bitterly at Shizu’s suddenly stern voice and stubborn attitude.

At this rate, I have no choice but to use my last resort.

“I want to watch you win the finals proudly from the audience. Can’t you do that for me?”

A request mixed with appropriate affection and earnestness.

Considering how Shizu from this time would fulfill my requests without hesitation, she would surely agree…

“No. Lillian Shizu Proxian’s schedule for today is to wait here by Kal’s side until his head is completely healed.”

…This isn’t working.

Shizu, who had released her arms from around mine and was now sitting in the chair with her arms crossed and a rigid posture, was immovable.

“Why are you being so stubborn today?”

It was strange.

You, who aspired to walk the path of a hero no less than I did.

You, who after achieving three awakenings on your 17th birthday—a blessing that could rightfully be called divine—worked harder than anyone to prove yourself as a hero.

That you would give up the Academy’s Friendly Tournament, the proof that would announce to everyone that you had become a hero, which was more important than anything else.

It was so puzzling that you wouldn’t leave, just because I had injured my head and fainted, when in the previous timeline, you had at least won the championship before coming to me.

“Today… is your 18th birthday.”

I had to stop what I was about to say when Shizu, now looking at me with an expression full of regret, opened her mouth.

“After today, you won’t be here anymore… so what’s wrong with being a little stubborn?”

“You…”

Shizu knew.

That the moment I failed to awaken after midnight tonight.

I would no longer have a reason to stay here.

That’s why she was being stubborn, wanting to spend as much time with me as possible.

“Is it… a problem for a fiancée to… be by her fiancé’s side?”

When I heard the reason, my lips almost twitched and my expression nearly crumbled, but I managed to compose myself. I steeled my heart.

I was going to tell her firmly that she couldn’t do this.

That she should go and enjoy her most shining moment.

But just as no words came out when I saw Shizu caressing my forehead earlier.

No words came out of my mouth now either.

It was because I felt so clearly the emotions that my fiancée from this time had for me.

Far more than I had thought.

*Thump thump*

My heart, which had been beating regularly, suddenly started beating faster and louder.

Because I felt so vividly the echo of the emotions you had for me.

My heart responded powerfully to what my mind perceived.

I was happy.

I was truly happy to realize anew how much you liked me back then, but.

‘…Still, this can’t happen.’

What kind of tournament is this Friendly Tournament that you’re trying to kick away the glory of victory that’s right in front of you because of me?

I steeled my resolve.

I didn’t want to do this, but.

Shizu, I’m sorry.

I need to be a bit harsh.

Having made my decision, I used my free left hand to.

*Thwack*

Give a light knock on the head of Shizu, who was still clinging to my right arm with both of hers, showing no signs of letting go.

“Ouch!”

“You’re too old to be throwing tantrums!!”

I scolded her angrily.

Not in the way my past self from this time would have, raising thorns and stabbing daggers into your heart.

But in the way I used to before your 17th birthday.

When you were wavering, thinking you might not become a hero, and I scolded you with a stern voice to straighten you out, while also comforting you.

I realized that things had deviated from their course from the start, but it didn’t matter.

Because I saw that instead of frowning at my scolding, you listened with a slight smile on your face.

And strangely, my heart felt light as I nagged you.

Incomparably lighter than when I used to stab you with sharp verbal daggers out of inferiority and malice.