Ch.49Aftereffects (4)

*

The Goddess Church is looking for Ash.

And Ash and Laila are Maria’s siblings.

That was the conclusion Silvia drew from this letter.

Ha,

Certainly, Ash did have some resemblance to Maria.

Just like Maria, who willingly threw away her life to save Silvia, Ash too had declared he would gladly stay by her side to prevent the curse from spreading throughout the world.

Both of them, not strong enough to overcome pain, yet still choosing to writhe in agony far beyond their limits.

In the end, they willingly stepped into hellish pain.

And Silvia was always by their side.

What does it mean to be a hero?

What does it mean to be a champion?

Silvia realized painfully that she was nothing but an evil spirit to those siblings.

“…I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Truly… I’m sorry. Laila… Ash… I, I was wrong.”

Pressing her head into the soil dampened by putrid fluid from the corpse, Silvia recited meaningless atonement.

She had already repeated countless empty apologies to her dead comrades, including Maria, during the long time she had spent in the forest.

But the emotion Silvia felt now was different in texture.

Usually, it was guilt for being the only survivor, regret for not being able to deliver their last words and belongings to their hometown.

But now, a desperate regret was swelling inside her like a balloon, threatening to tear through her skin as she realized how terrible a person she was.

“Ugh…ugh, aaaaaaaaahhh!”

Perhaps this is why holes are punched in human facial skin.

That thought crossed her mind as bestial wailing poured from Silvia’s mouth and tears flowed from her eyes like a broken dam.

In an instant, Silvia’s voice became hoarse.

In a moment, the whites of her eyes became as red as her irises.

It was painful.

Her heart was in so much agony.

If she could, she would carve out her chest with a sharp dagger and crush her beating heart—that’s how painful it was.

Ha, even if that were possible, what good would it do?

That pain wouldn’t even come close to what Maria felt, and my life is nothing compared to the future Ash has lost.

How could this wretched body, which only kills enemies by sacrificing others, ever atone to them?

Maria and Ash.

The two people who had reached the deepest part of Silvia’s heart in her life.

The lives of those two siblings were shattered by Silvia’s hands.

Silvia realized this only now.

Today, the day after she had induced Ash to commit murder because of her petty desires.

“Aaaah!”

Silvia grabbed the dagger she had taken from the corpse with lightning speed and stabbed it into her own throat.

The blade melted, leaving behind a terribly black soot mark.

“Huh… hn, hehehe…”

What should she do?

How could she feel the same pain Maria had felt?

How could she take on the pain Ash would feel?

No matter how much she thought about it, there was no answer.

It was impossible.

It was physically impossible, and honestly, she didn’t even have the courage.

But Silvia, who couldn’t even bring herself to reveal all the truth to Ash and beg for forgiveness right now, couldn’t possibly have such courage.

Silvia used to call her painful life in the forest over the past few years a “slow hell.”

This cabin-shaped hell where she had to constantly face her mistakes in an almost eternal, slow time.

To survive in this hell, Silvia’s heart naturally grew cold.

She had to adapt to survive.

But no matter how coolly she suppressed her emotions, her mind was still helplessly torn apart by the painful chill that had been forged even colder.

Then one day, warmth appeared in her personal hell.

That warmth named Ash, which warmed Silvia’s heart that had hardened like a stone in pain, gradually became heat, and that heat quickly became a torch and sunlight that warmed her cold heart.

But Ash was neither a torch nor sunlight.

He was a forest fire, miserably burning without being able to extinguish the fire that had caught on his body due to someone’s malice or mistake.

A forest fire that wouldn’t go out until it burned Ash’s heart and mind completely black.

And Silvia only now realized that she was the flint that had started that fire.

“…I’m not anything like a hero… I can’t be such a great person…”

Silvia muttered.

What is a hero?

What does it mean to be brave, to be strong?

Is it courage to face trials that one can easily overcome with composure?

Or is true courage throwing oneself into a pit of fire, unable to ignore the situation that would occur if one avoided it, knowing that one will beg for life in endless despair and die miserably in pain?

Laila and Ash.

Those proud siblings are far greater people than someone like me.

Silvia truly believed that.

*

Silvia read the letter found on the corpse over and over again.

She hoped that perhaps the name of the person looking for Ash might be written somewhere.

However, there was no more information to be gained from the letter or its envelope.

Silvia slowly got up from the ground, supporting herself.

It was fortunate that Ash hadn’t seen this letter.

If he knew these men had entered the forest looking for him, it seemed certain that Ash’s already gradually crumbling mind would completely break and go mad.

But at the same time, she felt she should tell him.

It wouldn’t be easy to pretend not to know that he was Maria’s brother, and the impulse to confess all the truth to Ash, who didn’t know about his sister’s final moments, and ask for forgiveness kept rising.

Of course, Ash might resent her.

She certainly didn’t want that.

But even if Ash, having realized all the facts, insulted her and left, even if she could only sit on the ground and gaze desolately at the footprints he had coldly left behind,

There was clearly a desire in Silvia’s heart that Ash would overcome all his suffering with resentment toward her rather than continue to suffer as he was now.

Like Maria, who willingly burned everything while screaming.

Silvia too felt the urge to embrace all of Ash’s pain, sinking into the sea of solitude bound by chains of self-punishment.

Paradoxically, Silvia was clearly aware of the helplessness she felt in wanting to submit to even the harshest fate for Ash’s sake, and the inner peace she paradoxically felt within that helplessness.

But Silvia knew.

“…Coward.”

That she could never do that.

That she, who had already been struggling in solitude for the past few years, could never overcome the loneliness compounded by Ash’s resentment.

She knew all too well that she could never choose such a sacrifice.

Silvia threw the letter into the burning flames.

The impulse to atone tried to drag her to the end, but she soon firmly closed her lips and strongly composed her screaming heart.

Silvia moved her hands, which had momentarily paused, busily with her lips tightly closed.

She stripped the corpses and wrapped them in a large bearskin.

She also packed plenty of necessary items inside the bearskin, and buried all unnecessary items deep in the ground.

She set a larger fire to burn all the grass and trees stained with blood.

Silvia moved thoroughly to ensure that no traces of these men could be found even if other trackers appeared.

She kicked the slope where the carriage had fallen, turning over all the soil.

With a thud, bugs crawling in the soil poured out.

Wild animals that eat bugs would gather to feast and scatter their droppings, and new grass would soon grow.

She also scattered the remains of the carriage Ash had burned.

Throwing away each half-burned piece of wood far away, Silvia murmured.

“…It’s okay if I’m not a hero.”

“I know I’m a coward.”

“I know I’ve committed a mortal sin against those two.”

After completing all her work, Silvia slowly looked around.

All traces of yesterday’s brutal fight and the carriage accident had disappeared.

The surrounding land and plants were all in disarray, but that made it look like the aftermath of a large magical beast like a troll or ogre passing through.

Silvia slowly caught her breath and whispered quietly.

“But I can’t let Ash go.”

*

On her way back to the cabin, Silvia felt her steps becoming tangled.

In her haste, she kicked the ground harder, nearly falling several times.

However, knowing this, Silvia did not slow down.

The corpse in the bearskin bundle on her back shook and mixed around.

Respect for the dead, the risk of twisting her ankle on uneven tree roots, the possibility of damaging the packed belongings as they shook around.

Ignoring all these possibilities, Silvia crossed her two legs quickly as if whipping a horse’s hindquarters.

She wanted to see Ash.

Right now.

Complicated feelings and heavy guilt occasionally raised their heads to make Silvia hesitate, but each time, she gritted her teeth and stared ahead with wide eyes as she rushed forward.

She decided to be brazen.

It didn’t matter if she wasn’t a hero, or even if she was Ash’s enemy.

She already knew she was being selfish.

No matter who cursed her, she wanted to embrace Ash now.

She wanted Ash to embrace her.

“Ash doesn’t need to know anything.”

Ash still doesn’t know anything.

Isn’t that what’s important?

If he doesn’t know, he won’t be sad.

That these corpses were people looking for Ash, that Maria was my comrade.

These are all things Ash doesn’t need to know.

Ha,

It’s such a simple conclusion that what I was worrying about earlier seems ridiculous.

What? Reveal the truth?

For Ash’s sake, I’d be willing to suffer alone after he leaves me?

Really?

Yes. That’s right. It’s true.

But is telling the truth really for Ash’s benefit?

Ash should just be happy, not knowing anything.

The guilt of hiding the truth, self-loathing, the sorrow of looking at my fallen self who has lost even the honor of being a hero.

I can bear it all alone.

That too can be seen as embracing pain alone for Ash’s sake, can’t it?

Right?

That’s right.

Silvia slightly raised her trembling lips.

Her red eyes flashed strangely in the night forest that had grown dark.

Her heart, beating as rapidly as her hurried footsteps, made a distorted sound.

Though twisted and broken by possessiveness and contradiction, it was clearly the voice of Silvia’s own heart crying out.

When you think about it, what calculation could be simpler?

If I reveal the truth, both Ash and I will suffer.

If I hide the truth, only I will suffer, and Ash can be happy.

Then I just have to bear it alone.

Isn’t that real sacrifice?

The happiness I gain by being with Ash?

That’s just a small reward.

Sacrifice should be followed by reward, right?

Thanks to Maria’s sacrifice, the world became free of the Demon King.

Thanks to me being confined in this forest, the Demon King’s curse couldn’t harm people.

What a wonderful story.

So, leave it to me.

I’ll sacrifice again, again, again, and again.

This time, I’m willing to sacrifice even my pride as a hero.

Even if it means being thrown into the mud.

Just give Ash to me.

“Uwaaaaah!”

At that moment, something appeared in front of Silvia with a huge roar.

It was a large magical beast with a hideous mouth full of teeth growing from its stomach.

Silvia showed annoyance all over her face as if bothered.

It was a monster she had seen several times before.

She remembered it was some kind of hybrid between an ogre and a giant.

It was definitely a magical beast that should only be seen near the Demon King’s castle, so why was it here?

She didn’t know, and honestly, she didn’t want to think about it.

Silvia didn’t stop walking.

Instead, she kicked the ground even more fiercely and soared into the air.

“Move.”

The monster stood there stupidly, seemingly unable to grasp the situation.

Silvia struck the monster’s face with her knee, then grabbed its damp flesh covered with thick, sparse hair and knocked it to the ground.

A huge sound, like a house-sized boulder falling, and tremendous vibration transferred to the ground.

The monster’s head, caught between Silvia’s knee—carrying the weight of five corpses—and the hard ground, was crushed.

Silvia lightly shook her foot, roughly shaking off the blood and brain matter, and started running again.

All sorts of insignificant things getting in the way.

It was irritating.

She didn’t want to be delayed even a second in meeting Ash.

Various magical beasts appeared in her peripheral vision as she ran.

There seemed to be more than usual today.

Silvia bit her lip.

Damn it, it’s not such a difficult request.

Just one boy.

It’s not like I’ve done something so wrong that I shouldn’t covet him.

I’ll cherish Ash for Maria’s share too.

I’ll take care of Ash for his parents’ share too.

I’ll embrace Ash for Laila’s share too.

More than that fiancée… more than anyone else in this world, I’ll love Ash.

So.

Whether it’s magical beasts or animals or people or the Goddess Church or whoever.

Everyone get out of this forest.

.