Ch.46Aftereffects (1)

A terrible day could have been followed by an equally terrible morning.

No matter how horrific the dream was, to nearly strangle Ms. Sylvia just because she wouldn’t kiss me—thinking about it again, it was madness beyond comparison.

If Ms. Sylvia had been even slightly displeased, my legs would have been snapped like twigs, just like on my first day in this cabin—such was the rudeness of my action.

But for some reason, Ms. Sylvia didn’t seem to mind much.

Rather, she comforted me and held me quietly for a long time.

It wasn’t new, but this morning made me realize once again how amazing she is.

How big-hearted could she be?

Starting with a few light-hearted jokes from her, we were able to begin the day with pleasant conversation and a good mood.

However, despite Ms. Sylvia’s efforts, there was still an awkward atmosphere lingering in our smiling conversation.

The source of that awkwardness was our ridiculous attempt to avoid talking about the terrible incident that happened yesterday.

I killed someone.

Both of us clearly knew that this fact wouldn’t disappear just by avoiding words.

But as if by unspoken agreement, we consciously avoided talking about the “curse” from yesterday.

We had no choice.

We both knew clearly that the current warm atmosphere was nothing more than a clean tablecloth spread over a dirty table.

Usually, I enjoyed the morning sunlight streaming through the window, but today I was deliberately averting my eyes from it.

I couldn’t bring myself to look at Laila’s grave, which was faintly visible from the window.

The image of Laila resenting me in my dream wouldn’t leave my mind.

Though my face was smiling, I felt like I could collapse at any moment, and though Ms. Sylvia was quietly smiling, she was looking at me with pity.

It hurts.

Not my chapped lips, but my heart that had to forcibly twist those chapped lips into a smile—it hurts unbearably.

It was miserable.

Not because I was hiding my true feelings, but because her skillful consideration—easily guessing my poorly concealed feelings based on her own experiences—was so wretchedly kind.

We both knew each other’s true feelings, but neither of us spoke a word about what was in our hearts.

How long would we have to continue this mockery of a play?

Perhaps we would have to keep it up forever.

This wretched warmth created by pretending false joy.

The empty exchange of jokes forcibly maintaining this strange atmosphere.

Though no one was fooled, our act of lying to each other and even to ourselves was awkward and utterly ridiculous.

And for some reason, we were also tacitly avoiding the topic of that intense heat that had suddenly flared between us last night.

Was it due to shyness or embarrassment?

Or was it because we knew it was merely a momentary sharing of passion to comfort each other’s pain and loneliness?

Is that really true?

I, toward Ms. Sylvia…

Leaving my hopelessly complicated thoughts unresolved, we continued exchanging meaningless words.

*

Fortunately or unfortunately, our unfunny attempts to change the subject ended quickly.

Ms. Sylvia was the first to speak.

“Ash, today… you know…”

As breakfast was coming to an end, I slowly steeled myself as I watched Ms. Sylvia hesitantly moving her lips.

She was probably going to talk about what happened yesterday.

She would know better than anyone that we couldn’t avert our eyes forever.

Of course, she was the one who had carved all those numerous tombstones in the graveyard.

I swallowed hard and slowly opened my mouth.

“Yes.”

“I’ll be coming back late today. Probably not until nightfall.”

“…You’re going back there, aren’t you?”

Though she skipped the detailed explanation, she nodded slowly without asking for clarification.

“…Yes, because the body collecting isn’t finished.”

“…”

“…Sorry, I’ve always called it that, but it’s not an appropriate term to use now.”

“…Oh, no, it’s… fine.”

Ms. Sylvia slowly and carefully continued.

“I’m going to bring her back. So…”

“I’ll dig the grave… I know. Actually, I was going to ask you first.”

“…Will you be alright?”

“…I don’t think this will earn me forgiveness, but… I’m bound for hell anyway…”

“Ash…”

I quietly looked at my father’s belongings on the table.

The box had been damaged during yesterday’s fight, so I had put it under my bed. There were several jeweled necklaces and bracelets, and two rings decorated with gold rope-like designs on silver bands.

If my memory served me right, they were my parents’ engagement rings, gifts from the Countess.

Though they were items filled with memories…

For the sake of bringing back such trivial things, I caused five people to die in hatred and pain.

I slowly closed my eyes.

I had already prepared myself when I heard the news of Laila’s death.

That I would fall into hell.

But even if I fall into hell, could this sin ever be cleansed?

Even if I suffer in the flames of karma for eternity, those five people will never come back to life.

I could make excuses about the curse, but the Demon King who should be held accountable is already gone.

Nor could I blame Ms. Sylvia.

With trembling lips, I struggled to continue speaking.

“I know this… has no real meaning. I know well that it won’t reach Laila.”

“…”

“I know that digging a grave won’t erase what I’ve done.”

“…Yes.”

Ms. Sylvia briefly affirmed.

Her expression was rigid.

She too doesn’t know how to escape this guilt.

Rather, she probably knows well that there is no other way but to silently endure the pain of being torn apart thousands, tens of thousands of times, with her heart tied to this eternally turning wheel of self-blame.

Perhaps she regrets transferring the curse to me and binding me to this forest.

She must regret it.

Because she’s a hero.

Because she’s a good person.

Tears began to mix into my voice without me realizing it.

“Feelings sent to the dead… are inevitably one-sided, aren’t they? When there’s no response, how can I ask for forgiveness, how can I be forgiven…”

“…Ash.”

“It’s all… just self-satisfaction.”

“…”

I staggered up from the table and slowly bowed my head as I spoke.

“So… please. Please bring her back.”

“…”

“I know it’s self-satisfaction, selfish… but at least so I can forgive myself… so I can think ‘this is enough’…”

“…”

“Horr—”

‘I know it sounds horrible.’

That’s what I was going to say, but I immediately closed my mouth.

Self-satisfaction, selfish feelings.

The excuse that I’ve done my best.

She probably created the graves for the people of Millwood Village with the same feelings.

By saying I would condemn myself, I had touched on Ms. Sylvia’s trauma.

She must have already been reminded of her past self when looking at me now.

Why am I so stupid?

I berated myself for my rashness.

After causing someone’s death through carelessness, I carelessly hurt her again.

Idiot, fool.

Worthless piece of shit.

Laila was right.

What right did I have to seek happiness?

What right did I have to demand a kiss from her for comfort?

With tears falling like droplets of blood from the lash of harsh self-reproach, I briefly said one thing.

“…Please.”

“…”

Ms. Sylvia slowly rose from her seat and approached me.

“Ash.”

“…Yes.”

She gently embraced me.

Her embrace was filled with warm and cozy heat, just like last night.

Does she know how much comfort I find in her arms?

I quietly rested my head on her shoulder and silently shed tears.

Ms. Sylvia slowly patted my back and spoke with a firm voice that didn’t match her gentle embrace.

“Stop it.”

“…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to belittle your feelings.”

“No, that’s not it.”

Ms. Sylvia slowly pulled away from me and looked at my face.

When I lowered my head, she gently held my face with both hands and slowly lifted it.

Her red eyes were trembling incessantly, enough to make anyone who saw them feel uneasy.

Her fingers were trembling as much as her eyes.

Only her voice was resolute.

It seemed as if she was forcibly trying to shake off the anxiety in her heart.

“Please stop, I’ll… I’ll forgive you, no… you haven’t committed any sin.”

“Ms. Sylvia…”

“You might not think so… but your sin is mine. It’s my sin. I committed it.”

“…No, that’s not—”

“Listen quietly.”

“…”

“Don’t blame yourself anymore, I…”

She stopped speaking as if choked up, and swallowed the tears that had risen to her throat.

Hoo…

The sound of her sigh reached me, frail and sorrowful like the trembling note of a harp string.

“Please… stop.”

“…Yes.”

Seeing her pitiful state, I could only nod.

Ms. Sylvia hugged me tightly once more and then slowly went outside.

After clearing the two plates with food still on them, I sighed and patted my cheeks with both hands.

“Pull yourself together.”

There was much to do.

The distance we had walked yesterday was certainly very far, but Ms. Sylvia would surely not take that long.

First, graves for five people.

And I needed to find a large stone suitable for Laila’s tombstone.

Just as I had boasted, even triggering Ms. Sylvia’s trauma, this guilt and regret were all one-way and merely self-satisfaction.

That’s why I had to do my best even more.

I needed to make their graves with all my heart, enough that even I would feel I had done my best.

Suddenly, her plea to please stop echoed in my mind.

She probably didn’t want me to repeat the pain she had experienced.

I nodded.

Let it go.

Do my best to send them off, and then let it go.

Not for the dead, not for myself, but for Ms. Sylvia.

With that determination, I slowly approached the door she had left through and grabbed the doorknob.

That’s when it happened.

“…Huh?”

For some reason, my feet wouldn’t move.

I wasn’t injured.

There was no pain.

There was no visible external wound.

But it was as if my feet were stuck to the ground, not moving an inch.

Not just my feet, but all the muscles in my legs seemed to have hardened.

“…Why, why is this happening?”

I forcibly grabbed the doorknob and opened it.

“…Ah, aah…”

This is bad.

“Aaaah!”

I screamed and slammed the door shut, almost throwing it.

In that brief moment, my whole body was drenched in sweat.

My legs, which wouldn’t move at all before, began to tremble violently.

In confusion, I grabbed my legs, and my body collapsed limply onto the wooden floor.

“…I can’t, I can’t go out.”

I’m confused.

Confused and terrified.

The sight of the green forest that appeared when the door opened felt horrifying.

The sunlight was sickeningly bright.

The wind blowing toward me felt like insects crawling on my body.

When I painfully swallowed, it felt like sharp metal fragments were rolling around inside my throat.

Unable to stand up, I dragged my bottom backward, slowly moving away from the door.

Words contradicting my actions meaninglessly flowed from my mouth.

“Ah, I… I… I need to go out… I need to go out…”

But I couldn’t take a single step.

I couldn’t go outside the cabin.