Ch.45Comfort (4)

“Hello, Ash.”

“… Ah, hello, Sylvia.”

Ash turned his eyes away as he answered.

Sylvia realized that the morning breeze caressing her skin through the window felt a bit chillier than usual.

Only then did she remember that she had taken off her top last night.

That intense heat that had made her remove her clothes, and even Ash’s hot breath that had created that heat.

Sylvia looked at Ash with a faint smile.

“Did you sleep well?”

“…Hmm,”

Ash hesitated to answer.

From that brief hesitation alone, Sylvia instantly knew she had made a mistake.

Did you sleep well?

Is that what you should be asking? You crazy woman.

Have you forgotten what happened yesterday?

And have you forgotten whose fault it was?

How dare you ask such a question while Ash is suffering beside you, after you shed tears but then fell asleep dreaming happy dreams all by yourself?

There’s a limit to shamelessness.

Sylvia immediately closed her eyes and apologized.

“I’m sorry…”

“No, no. Why are you apologizing?”

“…”

This time it was Sylvia who hesitated to answer.

Slowly opening her eyes, she saw that Ash’s brow still bore traces of deep wrinkles.

Probably evidence that he had been frowning all night, tormented by nightmares.

The moment she saw those wrinkles, an overwhelming sense of guilt from beyond her conscious self washed over Sylvia.

Last night, she had been consumed by guilt as she watched Ash desperately following her warmth with yearning eyes, and had eventually leaned into his embrace and even shed tears.

Looking at Ash’s face as he slowly drifted off to sleep, exhausted, she had felt utterly disgusted with herself for inflicting such indelible wounds and pain on him.

Yet when Sylvia herself had fallen asleep, she had dreamed an incredibly happy dream.

She couldn’t quite remember the details now, but she vaguely recalled that Ash had been in it and that it had been an incredibly sweet and lovely dream.

For all her talk of guilt and disgust, it seemed she had found the moments of skin-to-skin contact with Ash last night utterly intoxicating.

So what, then, were those tears she had shed while lying on Ash’s chest?

Sylvia shuddered at her own hypocrisy.

“…”

Though no answer came, Ash didn’t press Sylvia further.

He didn’t really understand what she was thinking, and at the moment, he didn’t have the luxury to try to fathom her feelings.

Ash slowly picked up the edge of the blanket and covered Sylvia’s body.

This naturally created a position where Ash was lightly embracing Sylvia.

Sylvia stretched her arms from under the blanket and tightly hugged Ash.

“Ah,”

Apart from that slight exclamation of surprise, Ash showed no reaction.

He didn’t reject Sylvia’s hands, nor did he push away her embrace.

He simply closed his eyes quietly and buried his face against her chest, which rose and fell slightly with her breathing.

Sylvia stroked Ash’s hair and embraced him gently.

“Thank you.”

Ash whispered from within Sylvia’s embrace.

What was he thankful for?

Of course, Sylvia could guess.

She was probably the person in this world who most desperately understood how comforting it was to have someone by your side.

The one who didn’t know was Ash.

Ash didn’t know that Sylvia shouldn’t receive such gratitude, while Sylvia knew it better than anyone.

But Sylvia didn’t try to deny it.

She didn’t have the courage.

Shamelessly, she couldn’t let go of this happiness she had already enjoyed.

Even while knowing full well what a terrible thing she had done, she couldn’t give up Ash whom she held in her arms.

All she could do was hold him as gently as possible, so he wouldn’t be uncomfortable, yet firmly enough to give him support.

“Sylvia…”

Ash slowly raised his head and moved closer to Sylvia’s face.

Just as Sylvia needed him, Ash needed her too.

But was this really okay?

Her hypocrisy pricked her conscience once again.

Sylvia pressed Ash’s head firmly against her chest.

Even though she had desperately tasted his lips last night, for some reason, she couldn’t kiss him with the same wild abandon as before.

Perhaps it was the difference between night and day.

The darkness of night seemed to conceal not only her vision but also the rough edges of her heart.

“…Not allowed?”

Ash asked with a yearning voice.

That fragile, desperate voice nearly drove Sylvia out of her mind.

She bit her lip.

She couldn’t calm the confusion in her heart, not knowing what to do.

In truth, she wanted to kiss Ash too.

Like last night, no, she wanted to continue where they had left off last night.

She wanted to give her first time to Ash.

She wanted to take Ash’s first time for herself.

She wanted to mount him like an animal and bounce her hips on his manhood.

She wanted to devour every bit of Ash’s moist gaze and every breath he exhaled in passion.

And she knew that Ash desperately wanted it too.

How should she atone to Ash?

Should she give herself to him as he wished?

The problem was that this act was something she desperately wanted too.

Could I, who hurt Ash, who deserves punishment, dare to desire him?

Ash wanted Sylvia.

Whether it was love, or just a desire for a stimulating experience to cover up terrible memories, she didn’t know.

In truth, it didn’t matter either way.

Though Sylvia thirsted for Ash’s love as if her throat were burning, honestly, even if Ash saw her as just a plaything, Sylvia could accept him.

If Ash needed her, she could offer her rather sturdy body to him without hesitation.

But precisely because of that, Sylvia couldn’t do it.

It was utterly contradictory, but she absolutely couldn’t.

Perhaps when night came again, she wouldn’t be able to control her desires.

But for now, Sylvia barely managed to reject Ash’s request.

“Sorry… I can’t.”

“…Why not?”

“…”

Ash slowly turned his face to the side and placed his ear against her chest.

“Your heart is racing, so why not?”

“…That’s.”

“…”

“Ah, anyway, not right now…”

“Why.”

Suddenly, Ash’s voice sank coldly.

Sensing the abruptly changed atmosphere, Sylvia carefully addressed Ash.

“…Ash?”

Ash slowly raised his hand and grabbed Sylvia’s large breast.

“Ah!”

“Why are you saying no?”

“…Ash.”

Ash roughly kneaded Sylvia’s breast.

Sylvia was flustered by this behavior so unlike his usual self, while also struggling to hold back the moans that escaped between her teeth every time his rough touch made contact.

Ash muttered quietly in a somewhat off-kilter voice.

“Why, you’re saying no when I want it?”

“Ngh, Ash… stop,”

“You walked around exposing yourself like you were trying to seduce me. Look at this, you’re not even embarrassed… but why?”

“…I’m sorry… it’s not because of you…”

Ash’s eyes blazed fiercely for a moment, then all light seemed to go out, as if all the flames had been extinguished at once.

Red like Sylvia’s, but with pupils that were somehow pitch black, they quietly looked at her.

No, though they were directed at Sylvia, her image wasn’t reflected in his pupils.

Sylvia anxiously stared at those somehow empty eyes.

Ash slowly opened his mouth.

“Is it because I… killed someone?”

“…What?”

“Because I caused Laila’s death, right?”

“Ash, what are you… ah!”

Ash gripped Sylvia’s breast tightly as he spoke.

“You’re a hero, but I’m not.”

“… What are you… saying?”

“You didn’t know about the curse, but I knew… and still did it.”

“Ash, calm down for a moment.”

Ash’s hand gradually moved upward.

Unlike the sweet touch of last night, trembling fingers filled with something cold and terrible slowly,

Approached her neck.

“I’m not worthy?”

“That’s not it!”

Sylvia roughly pushed away Ash’s hand.

From the impact, Ash was thrown backward and fell off the bed with a crash.

Remembering that she was much stronger than Ash, Sylvia crawled across the bed and called out to him.

“Ash! Are you okay?”

Ash clutched his head as he lay sprawled on the floor.

“Ugh,”

“Ash, did you hit something?”

Ash didn’t answer but continued to groan.

Sylvia got off the bed and hurriedly approached Ash.

Ash’s groaning continued unabated.

The “ugh” sound didn’t stop but grew longer.

And soon,

“Urgh, kuuuuugh!”

It gradually transformed into a bestial howl.

Sylvia realized this wasn’t from physical pain.

She had made such sounds herself before.

Ash screamed while clutching his forehead and eyes with his palms as if trying to tear them out.

It was a sorrowful scream of pain too terrible to transcribe, born of a heart being torn apart.

Sylvia slowly embraced Ash.

Ash screamed in Sylvia’s arms.

“Aah, aaah! I’m sorry, really aah! I’m really sorry!”

“…It’s okay.”

“Augh, aaaah! Sylvia! I want to die, it hurts so much… I’m so scared now!”

“…”

Ash pushed away from Sylvia’s embrace and wept face down on the floor.

Seeing Ash like this, Sylvia was at a loss for words.

There was no way she could have anything to say.

Ash was broken.

Sylvia had broken him.

For the utterly selfish reason that she desired him.

With trembling hands, Sylvia grasped Ash’s back as he lay face down on the floor.

“I’m sorry… I’m truly sorry, Ash.”

*

How much time had passed?

It felt like an incredibly long time had gone by.

Of course, it felt long because Ash’s miserable wailing was tearing Sylvia’s heart to shreds, but in actual time, his crying had not been brief either.

At the very least, a full hour must have easily passed.

Sylvia stoically endured, holding Ash’s back until he stopped crying.

After a long while, Ash finally stopped crying, his body going limp.

He seemed to have fainted.

Sylvia slowly lifted Ash’s body and gently placed him on the bed.

Then she quietly picked up her nightgown that was strewn carelessly on the floor and put it on.

Click, click.

Very slowly, at a pace as slow as when she had unbuttoned it, she fastened the buttons.

With each button she fastened, her heart ached.

She loathed herself for having unbuttoned them with a satisfied smile while looking at Ash in her arms.

Crazy woman, insane woman, shameless woman.

With each button she fastened, she insulted herself once.

She self-flagellated, believing she deserved such insults.

By the time she finished buttoning up, Ash slowly opened his mouth.

“…Sylvia,”

“Are you awake?”

“…I’m sorry. I did something strange.”

Sylvia sat on the edge of the bed, shaking her head as she stroked Ash’s hair.

“No. I was worse in the past.”

“I’m really… sorry…”

“Ash.”

Sylvia wiped Ash’s teary eyes with her thumb, then carefully traced his lips with her moist thumb as she spoke.

“I want to kiss you too.”

“…”

“But I refused because your lips are too chapped.”

“…What?”

Ash then realized that his lips had been stinging slightly all this time.

Moreover, they stung even more wherever Sylvia’s thumb touched.

Seeing Ash’s face gradually flush, Sylvia deliberately made a mischievous joke as she usually would.

“We must be really bad at kissing.”

“…Ah,”

“We were so caught up that we ended up like this, right?”

“Ah, um, I see.”

Ash’s face turned bright red as he covered his eyes, both relieved and embarrassed.

Sylvia smiled at the sight, but inwardly she was greatly relieved.

Even to herself, it seemed like a good excuse.

She was proud of herself for noticing just a moment ago that Ash’s lips were slightly chapped and cracked.

Ash looked at Sylvia through slightly parted fingers and said:

“It’s because it was my first time.”

“Hmm?”

“I mean, I wasn’t good at it because it was my first kiss.”

“Really? It wasn’t mine.”

“…Huh?”

Ash was momentarily confused, but soon nodded as if understanding.

“That’s… right, because Sylvia is amazing…”

“No, it wasn’t your first kiss either.”

“…What?”

Sylvia gently caressed the cheek of Ash, who was staring with wide eyes, not understanding what she meant.

“When you first came to me.”

“…Yes.”

“You were collapsed for ten days.”

“That’s true…”

“Did you think I starved you for ten days? A patient?”

“Well, I was unconscious… Oh,”

A voice of realization.

Sylvia said with a smile:

“Our first kiss happened the day we first met.”

“Ah, no, that doesn’t count. That’s not a kiss.”

“It was my first time?”

“No, it was my first time too… Ah, anyway. That’s not my first kiss.”

“Whether it is or not, I’m your first kiss anyway.”

“…That’s true.”

Ash nodded slowly, his face red to the ears.

Sylvia smiled slightly and stroked Ash’s hair, revealing his forehead.

Then she slowly approached Ash’s face and lightly kissed his forehead.

“I’m so happy that I’m your first.”

“…Me too.”

“Ash.”

“Yes,”

Sylvia suddenly closed her mouth tightly and fidgeted with her lips.

She looked like a frog trapped in her mouth, struggling at the back of her throat, trying to jump out.

It seemed she had something to say but couldn’t bring herself to say it.

“It’s nothing.”

“…?”

Sylvia finally swallowed whatever she had been about to say deep into her throat.

Ash didn’t press the matter.

Feeling deeply moved by Ash’s consideration even in his broken state, Sylvia reaffirmed in her heart the unspoken vow.

…I promise you, Ash.

That I won’t hurt you anymore.

That I will never betray you.

And… that I won’t desire you for selfish reasons…

I love you, Ash.

And I’m truly… so sorry.

.