Ch.401IF Side Story: Seems I’ve Arrived a Bit Early (98)

I remember when I first ran away with Kotone.

Back then, I didn’t know how to do anything. What could a teenage girl with a one-month-old baby in her arms possibly do?

It was a miracle that I wasn’t caught by someone.

Once I got outside, I realized I knew nothing.

How to find a room to live in.

What babies eat. How to change diapers. Where and how to throw away garbage.

I briefly attended school when I was young, but after my body became capable of bearing children, I stayed inside the house. I was educated at home and learned what I needed to do inside the house.

So, I had no idea how to survive outside that house.

With only vague memories to guide me, I breastfed Kotone, rested when I could, walked when I had strength, and drank water whenever I found it flowing. I don’t remember eating anything myself. If I hadn’t met someone willing to help me, I probably would have starved to death.

I met a kind person. When they saw me walking with scratches from tree branches all over and bleeding feet, they spoke to me and offered me a spare room in a building they owned.

They taught me how to live, how to survive. Kotone and I managed to hold on there for several years.

I ran away without properly repaying their kindness. I still feel sorry and grateful to them, though I don’t know if they’re still there.

…After that, yes, I just kept enduring and surviving.

Kotone grew up healthy and strong. Despite having me as her mother, Kotone didn’t turn out badly. She was more composed than other children, and she was smart, quickly learning whatever she was taught.

Yes, if Kotone hadn’t been that kind of child, I probably wouldn’t have been able to endure. I might have failed to protect her and been forced to go back.

“…”

And now that Kotone has brought a child who resembles her.

“Woo?”

The child tilts her head, looking at me from a short distance away.

She looks adorable. Of course she does. Her appearance is identical to Kotone’s.

Yesterday I heard that even the clothes she wore were part of her body, but it seems Kotone cleverly showed her own body to the child. The clothes she’s wearing now are what Kotone usually wears.

It was heartwarming to see them sitting side by side eating breakfast. Though she’s called the older sister, Koko, who hadn’t learned anything, knew nothing about table manners.

When Koko tried to eat food with her hands, Kotone tried to teach her how to use chopsticks. After mimicking the motion with her hands a few times, Koko, perhaps finding it uncomfortable, used two strands of her hair as chopsticks.

Kotone rubbed her face at the sight. It was an adorable scene, but… Koko’s action reminded me once again that her body is not human like Kotone’s.

No, since they were both born by receiving divine will in the same way, is Kotone’s body the same?

I was too afraid to imagine it before—

…Well, perhaps I don’t need to think about such things. Kotone is Kotone. No matter what, Kotone is my beloved daughter. That fact will never change.

Then, what about Koko?

The child I abandoned and ran away from—perhaps a child who needed my care even more than Kotone. Abandoned even by her mother because she didn’t look human.

I don’t know exactly what Koko’s original form was like.

But it’s an undeniable fact that due to her mother’s inadequacy, that being, whose body was torn apart from the moment of birth, was left there, unable even to die.

With trembling hands that I somehow managed to control, I finished my meal and sent Kotone off to school. Kotone asked several times if I was okay with a worried expression, but I deflected by hugging her tightly.

And so, I was left alone with Koko.

“Your hair is long.”

After being alone with Koko for a while, staring at her silently, the first words I managed to say were such an irrelevant comment.

It’s true that Koko’s hair is long. Kotone’s hair is long too, but perhaps there was a lot of that flesh left over even after maintaining Kotone’s body size.

I slowly got up from my seat.

Koko stares up at me blankly, still seated. I wonder if she’s not afraid of me. My appearance isn’t that different from Kosuzu’s.

“Would it be alright if I styled your hair a bit?”

“Hair?”

Koko asks back with slightly more accurate pronunciation than yesterday. It seems there’s no major issue with her intelligence, just that she hasn’t learned much yet.

…And that lack of learning is also my fault.

I still don’t know how to treat Koko. Should I hug her tightly? Though she now looks like Kotone, I remember how Koko looked right after coming out of my body. No, I can’t remember it all clearly. Each appearance was different, and it was too confusing to understand intuitively.

I only remember that the sight was horrifying.

Kotone accepted even that appearance, but could I do the same? I’m not sure.

However, since Kotone did it, I’m just trying.

I slowly sit behind her and stroke her hair with my hand. The texture isn’t much different from Kotone’s hair.

I don’t intend to cut it. I know this is also part of Koko’s body.

“…”

Ah, that’s right.

This is different from Kotone. I’ve been cutting Kotone’s hair for a long time. At least her hair never bled.

I slowly gather the hair and carefully braid it. A bit thick, in a single strand. So that the long hair doesn’t drag on the ground.

“Woo?”

“Please wait a moment.”

Koko keeps trying to turn around, perhaps bothered by the feeling of someone touching her hair. …I wonder if her eyes function as eyes? Since she initially had the form of a human body at birth, I suppose it’s possible.

If so, is this current appearance, identical to Kotone’s, truly human?

Lost in such thoughts, I finish braiding Koko’s hair. Her hair, as beautiful as Kotone’s, looks pretty even when braided.

“There, it’s done.”

“Oh?”

Whether she understood from my tone, or learned from the conversations she’s heard yesterday and this morning, Koko seems to understand my words and gets up from her seat.

The single braided hair swings cheerfully. The end of the long hair barely avoids touching the ground.

Like a puppy chasing its tail, Koko keeps turning around trying to see the end of her hair. Spinning around. Hopping in place, seeming to enjoy herself.

There’s a smile on her face. A purely joyful expression I rarely see even on Kotone’s face.

Though they have identical appearances, their personalities seem somewhat different.

And seeing that, my heart aches again. My stomach churns, and my fingertips tremble slightly.

Yes.

This is what she was. Like Kotone, just a small child who needed someone’s help.

I still don’t fully understand. I’m not sure how to judge Koko.

The past version of me that still exists inside refuses to accept this fact. That it’s okay, that it was unavoidable, that it was natural to think that way.

But how can I think like that about this child in front of me?

How could I, who ran away with Kotone considering her my daughter, think of another child born from my womb as merely a lump of flesh?

This child who looks just like Kotone.

“Wah?”

Koko loses her balance while spinning around. Even if I don’t catch her as she falls, she probably won’t get hurt.

But I find myself reaching out instinctively.

Even if she wouldn’t get hurt, I couldn’t just stand by watching. Why is that?

I’m certainly not that good a person.

Fortunately, Koko fell toward me, collapsing into my arms.

Inadvertently, I ended up holding Koko in my arms. My firstborn child who looks like Kotone with long braided hair, but isn’t Kotone.

“…”

As I look down at her silently, Koko smiles up at me.

Is this good?

Is it okay that we don’t have to hide from scary people anymore?

…Ah, yes, that’s right.

We’re the same. Kotone and I are the same. We’re hiding from scary people too.

This child survived in a much worse situation. And now she’s finally found us.

“Kagami?”

Remembering my name, Koko looked up at me and called me.

Perhaps that was the decisive moment.

“…I’m sorry.”

I embrace Koko.

It’s the same.

It’s warm, just like when I hug Kotone. Even if she didn’t resemble Kotone in appearance, she would surely be just as warm.

…Because she’s alive.

Yes, that seems to be it.

I truly was a terrible mother.