Ch.352IF Side Story: Seems I’ve Arrived a Bit Early (49)

Will I be okay?

That was the first thing I thought.

Was Mako okay? Was my body big enough to save Mako from danger? Maybe I wouldn’t even be a mouthful for the bear.

And Kagami, who would have been running after us.

Ah, Kagami might have jumped at the bear trying to save me. Even if she couldn’t find me, Kagami would have done that.

I hope Kagami didn’t do that. I’d rather just die alone. That would have been best.

…….

Is that so?

“Hmm.”

I hear a voice near my ear.

It’s a voice I’ve heard before.

I remember it even though I’ve only heard it once, because the last time I heard this voice was an unforgettable moment.

“Was it truly an unforgettable moment?”

But the voice asked.

“You seem to have forgotten. That day, someone died trying to save you and the one… you consider your mother.”

“……”

I couldn’t give any answer to those words.

The voice asked kindly.

“I wonder if you couldn’t remember, or if you didn’t want to remember. I think perhaps you wanted to preserve exactly what you and the being you consider your mother wished for.”

“……”

“Or do you just want to end it all?”

“……”

“I’m curious if you’re thinking everything is fine—leaving behind all those who remain, just preparing to depart far away.”

I… thought it was okay.

Because I was already dead.

Because I was dead, that’s why I came this far. This is just my next life.

Come to think of it, I was always unlucky.

No, maybe I ended up here because I made the wrong choices over and over again.

If I could have taken a separate vacation that day. If I could have changed the date. If I had been there instead. If I had been the one driving. Would my family not have died?

Was it because I chose that profession, because I couldn’t be with my family?

I’ve seen countless misfortunes. And misfortunes happened around me too. Those misfortunes happened simply because of bad luck.

A child who was just going home was hit by a car and died.

A person who was just cold in winter died when their electric blanket caught fire.

A colleague who just wanted to save someone died without coming back out of the fire.

That’s how it was for me too.

That’s how it was for my family too.

The world is just full of such misfortunes. On ordinary days, on good days, on unlucky days, on days that should be the happiest—people die. So absurdly, without any reason. Just because they were unlucky enough to be in that place.

That’s how it was for my family, for me, and for who I am now.

So, it should have been okay—

After all, that too was just an ordinary death. I should have been happy that I could get a new life like that, that I had a good mother like Kagami in this short life.

I should have been happy.

Actually, I’m not sure. Is that happiness worth sacrificing someone’s life for? Is it worth that much? Wasn’t I just being selfish?

Why did I act like I couldn’t remember? I saw it that day. Someone dying while protecting me and Kagami—why, until now.

I don’t know. I just… just wanted everything to be… okay. I wanted nothing to disturb the daily life of me and Kagami.

I wanted it to be ordinary.

“Are you rationalizing your life? Are you rationalizing ignoring someone else’s death? I am curious. I am curious about you. I shall learn about you slowly from now on.”

The voice whispers in my ear.

“Someone died to let you escape, so it would be troublesome if you died now. It might not be very important to me, but it would be to you and your mother. And—”

That nameless being laughed softly.

“Yes, and you are also my little lamb.”

Little lamb?

But before I could think about that word in detail, my body began to slowly drift away again.

“Since you’ve met me, I’ll tell you something good. First, that bear was not simply a bear you met because of bad luck.”

I—

“It seems your existence attracts the attention of more beings than you might think. The concepts watching you are increasing.”

Concepts watching me.

“At this rate, you will become unhappy.”

“…Un, happy.”

I muttered with a cracked voice.

My body was slowly getting wet. My body felt heavy, like falling asleep within a dream.

“I am pleased that you came to meet me earlier than I expected. Lovely child, my one-thousandth-and-first little lamb.”

That “I” said.

“So, you would do well to remember.”

The voice came very close to my ear.

“Always be careful. Of the invisible forest. Of the sky above. Of the alley you walk alone.”

“……”

“Something will slowly crawl to find you—no, perhaps.”

The laughing voice said.

“Perhaps, are you the one crawling? In the darkness, in that tiny chaos, wriggling, searching for light. Toward the unseen place.”

“Chaos.”

But the laughing voice in my ear did not answer my questioning word.

“So, please be happy. I am wishing for it. Be happy until I come to find you. With your ‘mother’.”

The hand resting on my shoulder gently pushed me again.

“I can help this time too. It won’t be perfect, but once should be enough.”

The being said.

“I will happily await the day when you speak to me first.”

*

When I opened my eyes, all I could see was blood.

I was lying on the ground, and the bear was nowhere to be seen, as if it had never been there.

The blood was… red, of course. Looking at the red stains all over my body made me a bit dizzy.

I’m not sure what happened.

The sky was just indifferently blue.

My body felt languid, and the chilling sensation had completely disappeared.

People were murmuring around me.

And among them—

“Kotone!”

There was Kagami, calling my name desperately.

Kagami was holding me tight. As if I had died or something.

…Well, I should have died in that situation. Since I was bitten by the bear.

I wiggled my fingers. But the arm that had been bitten wasn’t gone or anything; I could feel it still attached, completely intact.

“…Mom.”

When I called Kagami with my cracked voice, her crying stopped abruptly.

“Kotone…?”

Kagami, with wide eyes, pulled away from me slightly. The blood on her clothes—probably my blood—was clearly visible.

Nothing hurt at all.

As if the situation from just before was simply a lie.

I wish it had been a lie.

But how much of it should be a lie?

That the bear wasn’t just a bear?

That I was actually connected to something I couldn’t understand myself?

That Mako was with me when I was bitten by something that looked like a bear?

That Kagami and I had to flee from somewhere we lived because we were being chased?

That we had to sacrifice someone while escaping?

Before that, that we had to leave home without saying goodbye to the kind lady who took care of us?

That Kagami had to take me and run away?

…….

Or if not that.

That I had to be born into this world?

My vision was blurry.

I wasn’t about to faint or anything. It was because of the tears blocking my sight.

Sniff. I heard the sound of sniffling. It was my sound.

“Mom……”

In the end, I couldn’t hold back my tears.

I don’t know.

I don’t know where it all went wrong. Even if I wanted to examine each wrong thing and eliminate them all, even if I wanted to lose and erase those memories, I couldn’t—because all those events were connected to all the good things.

Just as my past life self felt terribly painful whenever I recalled my family because I remembered how it ended, there were such painful causes between the joyful and happy memories in this world.

How many times had I given up, found happiness again, only to have to give up again.

But I didn’t want to give up.

I just wanted to be happy.

I just wanted to live with Kagami for a long, long time.

But that’s not possible.

No matter how hard I tried, there was nothing I could do.

Kagami embraced me again.

Over her shoulder, I could see the man watching over us.

The man who played the role of our father.

That man, too, was protecting us with his life.

Why?

Why would he go that far?

I hadn’t doubted anything until now. No, I hadn’t thought about doubting. I tried not to.

That the man who helped us died. That we were actually in such danger.

As time passed, I got used to it—it seemed like we were getting closer to the normalcy Kagami talked about.

I cried my heart out.

Perhaps this was the first time I’d cried like this since coming to this world.

Kagami did too.

The two of us, just like children, held each other and cried.

I don’t know.

I really don’t know. Not at all.

I want to be happy, but I don’t know how to be happy. How not to lose the daily life we’ve barely managed to obtain.

Just being together like this should be enough.

My throat hurt.