Ch.34Status Window-Viewing Princess (2)

I sometimes have dreams.

The scenes from the past that come without any warning have such vivid colors. When those once monochrome memories are overlaid with color, I’m granted rights that were once lost to me. Then I suffer the pain of my thoughts becoming tangled at such an unfamiliar phenomenon.

At times like these, my heart pounds violently.

Meanwhile, the blood throughout my body alternates between running cold and boiling hot.

In a past where I rarely even spoke, let alone shouted, I’m overwhelmed by the urge to scream.

“He’s my son, but how can he be so beautiful?”

“The brat stares like a doll, it’s disgusting.”

“For a child of a bankrupt drunk and a whore, at least his looks are…”

“I just wish they would all die. That’s my only wish.”

“Better to pray they live long, miserable lives in the rotten gutter.”

“That child’s very existence is a sin. Won’t someone be brave enough to kill him?”

Countless daggers fly from my mother, father, and strangers whose names I don’t even know, piercing my chest. Next comes my head, and when they tire of those targets, they evenly stab my lower abdomen and throat.

It hurt.

The collective wish for a despised family to die all at once accumulates into murderous intent. And their murderous intent reaches its mark perfectly, slashing my soul. That’s how it was in a world overlaid with the same colors as everyone else’s.

My heart, which had never been worn down by any malice, was nowhere to be found as hot droplets flowed beneath my eyes.

“Ugh…”

It was emotion.

An utterly ordinary emotion no different from any passerby’s.

That was the key to restoring the colors of this world.

“…Ugh. Hic…”

My vision distorts.

The world reflected in my tears is so dreamlike that everything around me becomes blurry.

The five-year-old child sat down on the floor, curling up like a pill bug. Then, in a breaking voice, he poured out a plea to no one in particular.

“It hurts…”

My heart, my head, my limbs, my lower abdomen and throat—they all ache unbearably.

“People’s eyes, their cruel words, their actions… they hurt so much.”

What did I do wrong?

I was just born, yet it seems like every curse in this world was prepared just for me.

“I don’t want to live.”

[Just die already.]

“It’s too painful.”

[Compared to what we’ve been through…]

“I’m so sad and lonely.”

[That’s a cheap price for your sins.]

The tears burst forth.

I choke on my words as if hot water is surging up from inside my vocal cords.

“It feels like the world hates us. That’s why I can’t live.”

[Of course someone like you deserves to be hated.]

“But I… don’t want to die… I’m scared.”

[Then live. Enduring the pain forever.]

It’s hell on earth.

This was the true face of the world surrounding me.

You – live in evil.

You – die alone.

A life sworn to malice by the demands of the world.

How can I escape this purgatory where happiness is impossible?

I already know the answer to this problem.

Yes, I’ve been avoiding the golden rule that anyone would understand.

The feelings suppressed by original sin finally burst out.

“What if I destroy everything?”

[…]

“The people who hurt me so painfully, the world, everything… if I destroy it all… would I be allowed to live?”

The voice in my head that had been answering every question falls silent.

Perhaps because it’s the right answer.

The world that had regained its colors turns dark.

I instinctively distinguish the color of emotions.

Hate. No, the name for something one level higher was hatred.

Now nothing else matters.

If loneliness can make me forget the pain, that would be fine too.

Let’s burn this entire world to ashes with lightning.

Let me hate the world that hates me.

An eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. Hatred for hatred.

Let’s create a world that burns in flames.

Just as I was conjuring a fluffy dark cloud in my palm.

[Shh.]

Suddenly, a warm body heat spread behind my back. At the same time, pitch-black hair flowed like waves below my shoulders.

It was a woman.

A woman whose face I couldn’t see.

She had the bearing of a noble wearing extremely old-fashioned attire.

[Poor child.]

She whispers melodiously, as if reciting poetry.

[And also my beloved child.]

A hand so white it’s almost transparent covers my eyes. As my vision turns to complete darkness, she speaks.

[Let me take on all your negative emotions. For the sake of the world you must live in.]

My strength drains away.

As consciousness fades, my hatred breaks.

[Hasn’t a single ray of light hoping for your happiness miraculously found you?]

Gradually, I became numb to the abuse directed at me, and the world turned monochrome again.

[Please love and be loved, my child. Then surely you will have your own beautiful world.]

Finally, rays of light pour through the darkness.

In my awakening consciousness, the woman’s fading voice reaches me sorrowfully.

[Someday, you will inevitably come to love this harmonious world.]

‘How can you be so sure…?’

To my inevitable question, she says one last thing.

[Because that’s why I called the light.]

Oblivion blesses me.

The emotions I felt begin to disappear, and the brief conversation with the woman is filled with blank spaces.

Pouring light.

The dazzling light warmly caresses my eyelids.

And so, very slowly, I opened my eyes.

In the rays of the morning sun racing through dawn.

“Whoa?”

A familiar voice.

The mysterious connection that suddenly appeared speaks awkwardly.

“Did I wake you? I was just opening the carriage door…”

“How long… have I slept?”

“Not long. About an hour?”

“…I have no excuse. For a supposed guard to be so defenseless…”

I wonder how I made such an absurd mistake.

While I was lamenting, Serin slightly closed one eye and discouraged my self-reproach.

“I enjoyed it though? I finally got to let Rian use my lap as a pillow… and stroke your hair… hehe.”

“From today on, I should refuse many requests for Serin’s sake as well.”

That’s right.

This mistake originated from Serin’s invitation to lie on her lap.

I should have refused, but after exchanging a few words, I somehow gave in completely and fell asleep.

At my decision, Serin’s face instantly hardened.

“How can you say that…?”

“It’s probably written explicitly in the Imperial code of chivalry.”

“Does the code of chivalry take precedence over a princess’s orders?”

“Officially no, but as a personal belief, yes.”

“That’s absurd…”

What’s truly absurd was the child of a deposed emperor sleeping on the princess’s lap.

Even knowing this, Serin’s warmth was like a kind of salvation.

As long as I wore the mask that hid my face,

As long as I used the alias Rihart,

I could be grateful for the kindness Serin showered on me.

How could such a person exist?

Someone who shows unconditional kindness to me, whom the world declares evil.

Yet all I can do for her are trivial things.

I sometimes get anxious about this one-sided relationship where the balance is completely broken.

Serin could abandon me anytime, but if she did, I would feel miserably bitter.

I would feel just as miserable if Rodrick and Eshtiel left too. But with Serin, it was subtly different from those two.

If I keep pondering this, it feels like trying to solve a riddle without an answer.

I have no choice.

I’ll just have to follow her until I can clearly identify the substance of my concern.

At least until my meager identity is exposed.

“Hey, Rian. Are you really going to ignore me? Hm?”

“I wonder.”

“Oh come on. I can’t even lie and say I hate this, you’re putting me in a difficult position.”

“I’m in a difficult position too.”

“Then I should push you into an even more difficult one. I’ll push you right to the edge of the cliff. I wasn’t planning to do this if you just said you wouldn’t ignore me.”

“…”

Regardless of how welcome her kindness is, she really is a frightening person. Even though her tone isn’t particularly harsh, how does she make my heart pound so nervously…

One way or another, it seems I’ll never win against Serin in my lifetime.

“…I’ll withdraw. I’ll listen to Serin’s words with all sincerity.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes.”

“Hmph, if Rian gives his word like that. First…”

At this point, my intuition already flashed.

It was time for her to follow the pattern she had repeated to the point of tedium.

And so, we exchanged the predetermined questions and unchanging answers.

“Shall we take off your mask first?”

“No.”

Somehow pleased despite being flatly refused, Serin chuckled and let out a low laugh.

“As always.”

Serin narrowed her eyes and expressed her regret.

“It’s not easy.”

I found it hard to agree.

That was exactly what I wanted to tell Serin.

I silently held out the hand mirror I had been keeping toward her.

◇

It was time to reach the center of the Carnar Kingdom.

After a journey of about seven days and nights from the territory, we entered the palace with the kingdom’s hospitality.

Serin showed no signs of fatigue with her monster-like stamina, but the attendants were in a different situation. Therefore, the kingdom’s side gave thorough instructions to allow them to recover from their travel fatigue.

For this reason, while the imperial personnel were resting, the royal palace was quite busy. This was because preparations for a grand banquet to welcome the imperial ambassador were in full swing.

Serin didn’t show it outwardly, but her words and actions suggested she was quite satisfied.

A friendly diplomatic relationship.

The palace atmosphere that valued guests.

The clear weather with sparkling sunshine.

I thought everything would go smoothly.

I didn’t know at the time.

That the kingdom would commit a serious diplomatic discourtesy in what I thought would be perfect hospitality.

Even at a banquet attended by numerous imperial and royal personnel.

“Y-you…! What on earth have you brought here!?”

A neurotic woman’s scream scattered in all directions.

It was the voice of a key figure from the Carnar Kingdom—Princess Kanarin Rupenter.

“Why, how can this person…!!! Ugh…?!”

The princess’s discourtesy soon came to an end.

Suddenly she staggered as if dizzy, then immediately collapsed on the banquet hall floor and fainted.

It was the beginning of a strange connection of fate.