Ch.346IF Side Story: Seems I’ve Arrived a Bit Early (43)

Memories can give us strength to live on, but they can also hold us back.

Over the past few years, the three of us made many memories together. Harumi and Yuu often appeared in the photos Kagami took of me. That’s natural, of course—in this era, photos meant film photography, which meant spending money every time you took a picture.

Plus the development costs if you didn’t have a darkroom at home. It wasn’t an unmanageable amount, but it was certainly too expensive to take hundreds of photos a day like we do with smartphones now.

So when Kagami picked up her camera, it was because she felt this moment couldn’t be missed. Moments worth spending money to preserve.

And those memories remained vivid in those photographs.

After coming here, I once begged Kagami to let me see the photos.

I wanted to look at them together, rather than alone.

I was worried Kagami might refuse, but surprisingly, she nodded readily.

There were no frames, and not all the films had been redeveloped. So the only photos we could see right away were recent ones—

But Harumi and Yuu in those photos were clear in my memory. After all, I had seen them until quite recently.

Human memories remain in our minds in peculiar ways, becoming slightly hazy after just a few months, then suddenly becoming vivid again with certain triggers. Especially when looking at photos.

The memories that had been gradually fading became clear again.

After meeting those two, my Christmases were no longer lonely. During summer vacations, we could play everywhere and even travel far.

We didn’t limit ourselves to just one festival. Well, I didn’t wear a yukata after the first time, but Harumi faithfully wore hers every time.

“Kotone.”

But looking at those photos wasn’t entirely pleasant. At first, joy would well up inside me, but as I followed those memories, my heart gradually sank.

Kagami gently stroked my back.

She didn’t offer verbal comfort.

In this world, I’ve spent my entire life with Kagami. If there’s anyone who knows me best in this world, it’s Kagami. She probably knows more facts about me than I know about myself, and more accurately too.

And from Kagami’s perspective, this wasn’t the moment for that kind of comfort.

“Kotone.”

After stroking my hair gently for a while, Kagami spoke.

“Let’s go out together.”

“Huh?”

“I feel like it’s been too long since just the two of us went out.”

“…Ah.”

She was right. It wasn’t that we never did, but it wasn’t frequent.

After the ‘father’ role appeared, naturally, the three of us went around together. While the uncle maintained appropriate boundaries and never initiated excessive physical contact with me, it would have seemed odd to go out with just one ‘parent.’

So I had never explored this neighborhood with just Kagami. I either went around with both Kagami and the uncle in his ‘father’ role, or with friends.

The only time Kagami and I spent alone was in this room at home. Or during those brief moments in the car on the way to school.

We believe this town is at least safe. Above all, there seem to be several more people from the Yamashita family here. Indeed, Mr. Yamashita wouldn’t have sent just the two of us down to a town with no control.

So, taking a light stroll around town should be fine.

“Is that so? Well, I think it’ll be fine. We’re planning to go out for the festival too, right?”

Kagami nodded slightly, looking a bit apologetic.

“Besides, what father would object to his daughter and wife going out alone for a bit?”

“Is that how it is?”

Kagami has remained somewhat innocent even as an adult.

Of course, she seems to have grown up seeing the unpleasant parts of the world and understands that darkness to some extent—but perhaps because of that, she doesn’t understand how family relationships work.

In Kagami’s mind, family is only harmonious and close-knit. It can’t be helped. That’s the impression of family portrayed in media.

Of course, there are social exposé programs, and immediately, the household Kagami experienced… there’s family history I don’t know about, but in Kagami’s mind, those must be exceptions.

In a ‘harmonious home,’ the couple would hate to be apart.

But what family is always harmonious?

…People sometimes need time alone. I lived as a woman now, but when I was a man before, that was the case. There are days when you don’t even want your parents or younger sister to call you.

After losing everything, I regretted having such thoughts, but even if I found them again, I would probably think the same way.

Just not right now.

“Yes, there are fathers like that too.”

The uncle must have had similar thoughts, as he didn’t try to explain anything.

Kagami tilted her head in confusion, but soon took my hand and looked down at me.

“Well, shall we go?”

“Yes.”

I nodded.

*

Even when both my parents were alive, I thought about going back to childhood.

After becoming an adult and getting worn down by society, I did think things like ‘which company’s stocks should I buy’ or ‘I should buy cryptocurrency,’ but still, the time I most wanted to return to was when I was completely young.

I liked it best when I could run around the alleys with other children, without a care in the world.

And sometimes when I followed my mom grocery shopping.

Then as now, I wasn’t the type to throw tantrums asking my mom to buy me things. But a mother doesn’t go to the supermarket with her child intending to buy nothing for them.

Seeing snacks makes her want to buy them, and drinks too. So she ends up putting at least one thing in your hand.

But I enjoyed holding Kagami’s hand and walking around more than that.

After becoming an adult, I stopped holding hands because it was embarrassing.

Now I think maybe we could hold hands even after becoming adults? I’ve seen daughters linking arms with their mothers and walking around everywhere.

It would be okay to be a little more affectionate than now.

As we walked down the street, adults looking at shops greeted us. A pretty new wife and her young daughter who resembled her. It’s a bit awkward to say it myself, but didn’t we look like a picture-perfect pair?

Conversely, the sight of adults sitting in chairs fanning themselves also looked like something out of a picture in various ways.

“Phew, it’s really hot~”

Kagami said leisurely.

“Shall we go somewhere cooler?”

“Yes.”

As Kagami suggested, we entered the neighborhood supermarket. A fairly large one.

Since we hadn’t come to buy anything in particular, we just leisurely walked around the cool building.

“Kotone—”

Kagami was looking at snacks, seemingly about to offer to buy me something, when suddenly her gaze fixed on one spot.

“…”

“Mom?”

I tilted my head and turned to where she was looking.

There was a melon.

If you asked if I’d never eaten one in my life, I’d say that’s not the case. It’s not so expensive that I couldn’t afford it. I just preferred watermelon.

“Kotone, would you like some melon?”

Kagami really seemed to want the melon.

I burst out laughing at her words.

“Kotone?”

Well, since we were in a public place, I tried not to make too much noise, but I couldn’t stop my shoulders from shaking.

I’m not sure why I laughed like that.

But, yes.

Perhaps I was relieved to see Kagami.

After all, I had shown Kagami the sight of me stabbing my neck. Even now, months later, the image of Kagami screaming then was still clear in my mind.

I hoped she didn’t think I did it because of her.

Seeing her able to ask for melon like this, maybe that was a needless worry.

“Yes, I’d like some.”

When I nodded, Kagami tilted her head.

That gesture was so normal, so like her usual self, that I felt somewhat relieved.

“Can I get a drink too?”

“Of course.”

And I wanted to show Kagami that I was normal too. That I wasn’t too hurt, wasn’t too scared.

That I was simply happy to be with her.

…Yes.

Memories can give us strength to move forward, and they can also hold us back.

But in the end, people cannot live without memories.

Because that restraining force can also prevent us from falling forward and never getting up again.

…Someday.

Someday, after all this is over.

I want to go back to Tokyo and meet the children.

At that time, truly, without any worries.

Just as Kotone Kurosawa, I’ll play with them.

I thought it wouldn’t matter even if it was after becoming an adult.