Ch.33Family (5)

*

So it’s come to this.

Silvia thought as she looked directly at Ash’s face.

No, she didn’t bother to look too closely.

If she happened to see any irritation directed at her on Ash’s face, she felt she wouldn’t be able to bear the anxiety.

Fortunately, the flickering candlelight dancing across Ash’s face made it difficult to read his expression clearly.

Silvia slowly closed her eyes.

Ash quietly poured water into Silvia’s glass and spoke.

“You know what I’m going to say, don’t you?”

Instead of answering, Silvia quietly nodded.

Looking at her face, Ash exhaled a sigh through his nose.

“Why are you so frozen?”

“…”

“Those actions of yours over the past few days… you knew I didn’t like them.”

“… Yes.”

She had no choice but to answer Ash’s questioning without any resistance.

It was a strange feeling.

Silvia could certainly, if she wanted, flip over this table right now, push down on Ash’s shoulders, and pin him to the floor.

In fact, since she could subdue someone like Ash with just her fingers, if she truly only wanted him not to leave, there were countless methods available to her.

But for some reason, Silvia had this strange anxiety and conviction that if Ash didn’t choose to stay by her side of his own will, all of this would be nothing but an illusion.

No matter how forcefully she tried to keep him, it seemed he would inevitably leave her when he wanted to.

The basis for Silvia’s conviction probably stemmed from Ash’s appearance on that first day when he reached this cabin.

She had clearly seen his willpower—walking all that distance with a dying body that seemed impossible to move.

She had glimpsed fragments of his tremendous willpower even on the day when he, a magician who had only studied theory and lacked practical sense and talent, acquired skills that surprised Silvia after just a week of training.

Although his heart was timid and his strength was feeble, Silvia thought that Ash’s burning willpower was his true talent.

If Ash truly wanted to, he would have found a way to leave her.

Even if Silvia cut off his legs, he would find all sorts of methods to disappear.

That’s why she was contemplating.

When all methods failed, should she break and crush Ash’s mind and body to keep him by her side, even though he was trying to leave her somehow?

She could do that easily, but for some reason, she didn’t want to.

That emotion she felt on the day when, during a test, she almost hurt Ash without realizing it.

Anxiety, fear, regret.

The despair of having to return to that time when no one was there, when no one would come looking.

She didn’t want to feel those emotions again.

But wouldn’t that moment inevitably come if Ash left?

Silvia took a quiet, deep breath in her confusion.

“First, I want to ask this clearly.”

“…”

“Were you imitating the story about my family?”

“…Yes.”

Silvia felt her face flush.

Honestly, she thought he would have noticed immediately, but judging by Ash’s questioning attitude, he probably hadn’t known and only realized it today.

Then what did he think Silvia was doing all this time?

She had hoped he would recall the warmth of his family’s embrace, and at the same time, forget those family members and think of her instead, but had he only felt confusion at Silvia’s suddenly changed behavior?

Silvia felt so embarrassed by her actions that she wanted to die.

Ash scratched his head and said:

“Ah… so that’s what it was…”

“How was it?”

Silvia deliberately asked.

She knew well that he didn’t like it much, but she still held onto a foolish hope that he might have been a little happy.

Did Ash think of me as family, even a little?

Did he think of this cabin as home?

Did he come to see it not as a place where he was trapped because of a curse, but as a place he always wanted to return to?

“…Um… I was surprised.”

Ash’s answer was merciless.

Of course, Silvia knew he had chosen the most moderate and gentle words possible.

After all, Ash wouldn’t speak without considering the other person’s feelings.

But Silvia herself knew best that what Ash felt upon seeing her eccentric behavior was not simply surprise.

“Ha.”

Silvia let out a short, derisive sigh that was close to a lament.

Ash slowly scooped food from the plate with his spoon and carefully asked:

“May I ask why you did it?”

“…”

Silvia picked up her spoon but remained frozen, unable to bring it to the food.

Ash too merely stirred the food on his spoon, dropping it back and stirring again, without bringing it to his mouth.

Only the dry sound of utensils clinking against each other echoed inside the cabin.

Silvia slowly began to speak.

“…Ash.”

“…Yes.”

Silvia hesitated a little.

Perhaps she had been doing foolish things all along.

Rather, it would have been easier if she had just asked directly.

Perhaps Ash already thought of her as family.

Silvia carefully asked:

“Ash, do you… think of me as family?”

“Huh? No.”

Ash answered without hesitation.

*

Silvia made an incomprehensible sound.

It was such an unexpected question that I reflexively answered without thinking.

It took less than a second to realize that was a mistake.

Silvia’s expression was literally crumbling.

“Silvia?”

“…”

Silvia lowered her head.

She didn’t seem to be apologizing.

It looked like the head of a doll that children had played with and then discarded, drooping as if all strength to support it had drained away.

I immediately added to my statement, wondering if perhaps my explanation had been insufficient.

“Silvia is… the Hero, right? How could someone so great—”

“Ash.”

“…Yes?”

Silvia interrupted me and was quietly catching her breath.

The atmosphere felt similar to when she used to emit killing intent.

But I didn’t feel goosebumps on my body or that sensation of being enveloped in swirling cold air like before.

Rather, Silvia asked in a low voice that was slightly tinged with moisture.

She still kept her head bowed toward the floor.

“What do you think family is?”

“…Pardon?”

“What does it take to become family?”

“…”

“I don’t know. I did that because I couldn’t understand, because I couldn’t know how to become family… since I’ve never had anything like a family.”

“…Ah, Silvia…”

“…”

I closed my mouth.

The way to become family.

I never imagined Silvia would be thinking about such things.

I had no idea that her strange behavior had such meaning.

Did she want to become family?

Did she imitate the family members from my stories because she wanted to become family with me?

Those awkward eccentricities of hers happened because she wanted family.

I was a bit surprised by her confession that she had never had a family.

Well, I had never heard about her childhood, so it made sense.

I knew the Hero Silvia was from a famous noble family, but either I was mistaken or there was some other story I didn’t know.

But honestly, it felt a bit random.

Family? Why bother?

Of course, the warmth of family is a great driving force and comfort in life, but for people like us who have to avoid meeting others as much as possible, it seemed meaningless.

I asked back, feeling a bit bewildered:

“Family…?”

“…Yes.”

“Suddenly?”

“Otherwise you would…”

“I would what…?”

“…”

“Silvia?”

“…Never mind.”

Silvia slowly raised her head and then closed her mouth again.

Her hair obscured her face from view.

In this darkness, relying only on candlelight, it was difficult to make out her expression clearly.

What words did she want from me?

Did she want to hear that she was my family?

Am I family to her?

I could assert that I was not.

The fact that I still address her with the formal “Silvia-ssi” proves that.

But is that so important?

“We’re going to live together anyway.”

“But, someday…”

“…Someday?”

“…”

Silvia slightly pulled her lower lip with her front teeth.

She seemed to have something she wanted to say that was circling in her mouth.

Is she confused?

I was confused too.

What is she thinking?

What does she want?

What is she afraid of?

“Did you want to become family with me?”

“…How does one become family?”

“Um… by forming a marital bond or having a blood relationship?”

“…”

“…”

Oh, no.

Mentioning marriage made the atmosphere strange somehow.

I hurriedly explained:

“Ah, no, I don’t mean that I see you in that way.”

“…Ha, haha.”

“…Well, of course, Silvia is very attractive…”

“…Sigh, no. Ash.”

She roughly cut off my words.

Then she murmured slowly in a dejected voice:

“I’m sorry for everything until now. I won’t do it anymore.”

Silvia said that and slowly rose from her seat.

“Silvia, dinner…”

“I don’t really feel like eating. Sorry.”

“Ah… that goose…”

“Sorry, prepare it tomorrow, I’m a bit tired.”

It seems I’ve greatly upset her somehow.

I felt like I shouldn’t let her go like this.

Without realizing it, I grabbed Silvia’s arm and said:

“Well… you can become family even without that dictionary definition.”

“Ash. It’s fine, really…”

“No, no, you know. There are many people who become family through mutual trust and, well… things like that, even if they don’t share blood… so, well…”

“What are you trying to say?”

Silvia coldly asked in response to my rambling.

I started to organize my thoughts slowly rather than speaking hastily.

Is sharing blood what makes a family?

No, in fact, couples should not be blood-related.

Then what are the conditions for being a couple?

Loving and trusting each other, I suppose.

And parents love and trust their children, and children love and trust their parents.

So isn’t that feeling toward each other the true meaning of family?

Even if they share blood, if there’s a lack of devotion and trust between parents and children, or between siblings, perhaps that can’t be considered a proper family.

In the end, family can be defined as a group of people who love and trust each other.

I conveyed the thoughts that came to my mind to Silvia:

“Family is ultimately about people who love and trust each other coming together.”

“…Trust?”

“Wasn’t that the kind of relationship you had with your comrades?”

“…What?”

Silvia stopped abruptly.

Then she quietly looked down at me.

Ah,

All her comrades are dead.

Like my family.

Idiot.

“…I’m sorry.”

“Ash.”

“…Yes.”

“My comrades were all precious connections and friends. We traveled together risking our lives, and achieved our goal while losing lives. Yes, I trusted them, and they probably trusted me too.”

“…Yes, as a citizen of the kingdom, I truly feel gratitude and respect—”

“But those guys weren’t my family.”

“…”

“They shouldn’t be. Because.”

“…Silvia?”

“I… then I wouldn’t be just a friend or comr…ade…”

“…Ah.”

“I’d be someone who let their family die…”

Drip, drip.

I heard the sound of teardrops falling to the floor like drops of blood.

Silvia’s voice was trembling as finely as a piano string.

That voice was so pitiful and weak that even her sturdy body seemed like it would shatter into pieces if touched.

Silvia said she had never had a family.

I don’t know much about her past, but she wouldn’t lie to me, so that must be true.

However, she clearly had people who were like family to her.

And she lost them all.

Perhaps her saying she had no family was a pitiful struggle to minimize the guilt of causing their deaths.

I made a mistake.

A huge mistake.

It was the kind of mistake that I, who knows that sense of loss so well, should never have made.

I slowly stood up and embraced her.

“I’m sorry. I made a mistake.”

I apologized sincerely and hugged Silvia’s back with all my strength.

No matter how tightly I embraced her, she wouldn’t feel pain.

I pulled her into my arms with all my might, hugging her tightly as if squeezing her back.

“I’m sorry.”

Silvia silently buried her face in my shoulder.

Is she going to smell me again?

I could offer my nape if it would calm her down.

But she didn’t do that.

My shoulder was just getting wet with hot liquid.

I hugged her even tighter.

Silvia spoke in a voice tinged with moisture:

“I’m sorry for doing strange things all this time.”

“I’m sorry for being insensitive.”

“I did it because I wanted to become family with you. I wanted you to feel like this place was home instead of thinking you were trapped here.”

“Except for sleeping in the living room, this is already our home.”

“But you said I’m not family.”

“…Family doesn’t come from such bizarre theatrics.”

“…So it was bizarre.”

“Honestly, I was terrified.”

“…I see.”

Silvia slowly raised her hands and embraced my back.

Unlike mine, her arms wrapped around my body softly and warmly, as if enveloping me.

“How can I get you to become family with me?”

“I don’t really know either… but isn’t becoming family about sharing the same time, same space, same experiences, and feeling the same things?”

“…Is that so?”

“Honestly. It’s only been a little over a month. And I was unconscious for almost a third of that time.”

“…”

“Right now, just adapting is overwhelming enough.”

“Living in the forest is difficult.”

“No. It was difficult to accept the fact that all my family members are dead.”

“…Yes, that’s difficult. That…”

I slowly raised my hand toward her head and carefully stroked her hair.

Silvia’s height was similar to mine, and her body was larger and more solid than mine, but somehow she felt very small right now.

She looked hundreds of times more vulnerable and cute now than when she was clutching a pillow and talking nonsense about being afraid of lightning.

Suddenly, I remembered how she had been choking herself in her sleep not long ago.

It occurred to me that she might have nightmares tonight about the comrades who died because of her, thanks to me.

I turned my face just a little.

Her ear was right next to my mouth.

I brushed aside her hair to reveal her dainty ear.

And then, very quietly, as if telling a secret, I whispered:

“Do you want to sleep together tonight?”

She quietly nodded.

The arms embracing my waist tightened their grip slightly.

.