Ch.312IF Side Story: Seems I’ve Arrived a Bit Early (9)

Our Christmas was a modest one.

Because it was truly just the two of us.

Unfortunately, Kagami didn’t have many people she could completely trust. If I had to name someone, there was Mr. Yamashita, but someone who helps you doesn’t necessarily mean they’re family or friends.

Besides, even to me who didn’t know much about Japan, Mr. Yamashita seemed like… well, a “yakuza.” Considering he lent money to Kagami without major conditions, they probably weren’t completely unrelated, but at the same time, I understand why Kagami couldn’t fully trust him.

One could call it ungrateful, considering he helped us live like this—

But what can we do? Kagami is just a girl in her late teens. Even someone who’s just turned twenty is awkward to call an adult, let alone Kagami.

And she had a daughter too. Despite being at an age where it’s difficult to feel responsibility, Kagami was sincerely taking care of that daughter. Having never raised a child myself, I don’t know if her methods are correct, but I can definitely feel that Kagami truly considers me family and loves me.

So to avoid losing that beloved daughter, her only one, Kagami had no choice but to be somewhat neurotic about her surroundings.

“How is it? Warm enough?”

Kagami asked as she wrapped a scarf around my neck.

“Yes.”

To be honest, I think she might have wrapped it a bit too much, but it’s better than catching a cold from the chill.

Because if I caught a cold, Kagami would worry.

“Tell me if your legs get tired while walking.”

Is she planning to carry me?

If I were at least seven years old, there wouldn’t be much to worry about, but since I’m just a kindergartener now, my legs could certainly get tired.

My question was answered sooner than expected.

Kagami opened a cabinet near the entrance and took out a folding stroller.

“…”

Ah, we have a stroller.

The reason I hadn’t thought of it was simple.

The stroller was quite clean. It was probably purchased recently. Maybe about a year old at most? She must have bought it when we moved here. She couldn’t have brought any large belongings when we fled.

I must have ridden in a stroller when I was younger, but those memories are very fragmented and hard to recall. Most of what I remember is just being held in Kagami’s arms.

At this age… I took the bus to kindergarten, and on weekends when I went out with Kagami, we usually just went to the nearby playground, so I never got tired enough to need a stroller.

Even if we’re not going to another city, my legs might get a bit sore if we go out for fun.

But while it doesn’t matter much for those fragmented memories that are hard to recall anyway, riding now means I’ll be in a stroller while fully conscious.

After wearing the kindergarten uniform, this was the greatest crisis of my life.

*

Even setting aside the stroller issue, going around with Kagami was enjoyable.

Since my toddling pace was inevitably much slower than an adult’s stride, Kagami always moved carefully while holding my hand.

Though the weather was cold, somehow the warm atmosphere made it not feel entirely chilly. No, it was probably thanks to Kagami, who had dressed me in layers out of concern for my health.

They say people forget the meaning of Christmas as they grow older, but somehow, being this young again and walking alongside the person who was my mother, I felt like I understood its meaning.

I’m not sure where exactly, but we took a commemorative photo at a place with a large tree.

With the stroller parked aside and the camera timer set, Kagami held me in her arms in front of the tree, smiling brightly.

I should have been looking at the camera, but my gaze was fixed on Kagami’s face, smiling radiantly in the tree lights.

At first, I thought I might be making an unreasonable request, but it seemed not at all so to Kagami.

Her expression showed that this time spent close to me was genuinely enjoyable, that she was truly happy.

It was a mother’s expression, but that innocent face also looked just like a girl her age, which made my heart tighten a little.

Given our situation, Kagami was frugal with various things. She probably bought groceries during market discount hours, and sometimes even brought food that seemed to be from her workplace.

But she didn’t seem to think the film cost for taking my pictures was wasteful.

She took so many photos: my face drinking hot chocolate from a children’s cup in a cafe—I think I had cream on the corner of my mouth—or me looking at Tokyo Bay—I probably looked bright-eyed seeing the sea after so long—or me looking around curiously—instinctively doing so because my line of sight was so low.

She changed the film several times throughout.

Looking at all this, it really was the 90s.

People’s clothing, the surrounding scenery, everything had a familiar atmosphere but was subtly different. Though the bubble economy had burst not long ago, perhaps because it was Christmas, people’s mood wasn’t entirely gloomy.

After walking around for a while, we decided to rest briefly on a park bench.

Fearing I might be cold, Kagami wrapped one arm around my shoulders and had me sit snugly against her side.

It took quite some time for body heat to transfer through thick clothes, but it was certainly much better than sitting in the cold air alone.

I hugged Kagami’s body with both arms as much as I could. Kagami’s waist could hardly be called thick, but unfortunately, a four-year-old’s arms were too short to completely wrap around it.

We sat without saying anything for a while.

“…Kotone.”

Kagami was the first to speak.

Since I was quietly looking up at Kagami’s face, I could clearly see the white breath escaping from her mouth.

Being an adult doesn’t mean you don’t feel the cold.

Rather, sometimes, it’s because you’re an adult that you feel colder.

When you have to think about an uncertain future, when friends who were once close drift away one by one due to their own circumstances.

…When you lose family.

I experienced it all in my previous life. I have memories of losing my family.

Even now, living my next life, I feel like there’s a hole punched through my chest when I think about that time.

Then, what about Kagami?

What was it like for Kagami?

Perhaps still not wanting to tell me dark stories, Kagami hasn’t told me the exact reason why we had to run away.

But one thing is clear. Kagami was driven to the point where she had to ask for help from “Mr. Yamashita,” someone she initially didn’t want to rely on.

To the point where she had to break her wish to “let me grow up normally,” she had no one to ask for help through normal channels.

At the age of eighteen—

…No. Since I’m now four years old, it was at the age of fourteen. With a one-year-old child who couldn’t do anything.

“Did you enjoy today?”

That’s what I wanted to ask.

Was Kagami happy? Was she enjoying herself?

At an age when she should have many things she wanted to do, yet giving up everything because of my existence.

“…Yes.”

But I didn’t have the courage to ask.

Because if it were Kagami, she would definitely say yes.

With a bright smile.

As if my existence was her dream come true.

Even though I’m just a helpless child.

Hearing my answer, Kagami smiled gently and stroked my head.

Feeling that gentle touch through my fur hat, I buried my face against Kagami’s body.

For some reason, I didn’t want to show my current expression.

Kagami simply held me tight.

*

At first, I stubbornly walked around not wanting to ride in the stroller, but there was indeed a limit to a five-year-old’s stamina.

Adults often get exhausted by children’s boundless energy, but looking at it this way, endurance seems to be a separate issue.

It wasn’t just my legs hurting; my eyelids were getting heavy too, so I eventually had no choice but to get into the stroller.

Kagami pushed the stroller as slowly and gently as possible so I wouldn’t be uncomfortable, but when passing over uneven sidewalk blocks, the rattling was unavoidable.

But despite the shaking, I couldn’t help feeling sleepy, so I kept blinking my eyes, barely maintaining consciousness.

Not tired even after walking all day, Kagami was leisurely pushing my stroller.

I could hear Kagami humming.

I thought it was a song I’d heard before, and then realized it was the song I sang with Harumi at kindergarten.

She must have liked that song…

After humming, she even sang the “woof, woof, woof woof!” part out loud.

No, more than that, the song seemed to work just like a lullaby.

Kagami’s voice flowed so softly into my ears, making my eyelids heavier and heavier.

In the end, I fell asleep without even realizing when.

The next time I opened my eyes, I was already lying face-to-face with Kagami at home.

The warm embrace as always.

Even without seeing her face, I knew it was Kagami.

I burrowed a little deeper into Kagami’s arms before falling back asleep.

That night, I had a good dream.

In that dream too, I was cradled in Kagami’s arms.

While stroking my head, Kagami hummed, occasionally whispering in my ear, “It’s okay, it’s okay.”

I liked that dream more than the nightmares I occasionally had before.