Ch.311IF Side Story: Seems I’ve Arrived a Bit Early (8)

In Japan, Christmas is not a holiday.

In manga or light novels where school is the main setting, it’s not as noticeable since winter break starts around that time, but for working adults, it’s probably just another weekday among many.

Well, even holidays lose some of their meaning as you get older. That’s not to say the benefit of a “red day” isn’t appreciated. Rather, the significance of “Christmas” becomes “just another holiday.”

Of course, objectively speaking—that is, from others’ perspective, especially “adults”—I’m at an age where I should be quite affected by “Christmas.”

Since my birthday isn’t particularly after Christmas, I turned 4 years old this year. In Korean age, I’m five, almost six, so I’m definitely old enough to know what Christmas is about.

Though, even a child with innocence wouldn’t know as precisely as I do.

It’s the day when a grandfather with a red suit and bushy white beard comes and leaves the gifts you want.

Good children receive presents in the stockings they hang up, while those who haven’t been so good get coal.

And for that reason, today I found myself in a dilemma.

At first glance, the kindergarten atmosphere seemed no different than usual, but looking closely, the children’s faces showed excitement.

“Hmm~ Hmm~”

I heard humming from beside me.

Harumi, sitting next to me, was already busily writing down what she wanted on a white sheet of paper. Her childish, crooked handwriting was cute.

Meanwhile, I couldn’t decide what to write on my blank letter.

Today’s activity at kindergarten was “Writing a Letter to Santa.”

The letters to Santa would all be collected by the teacher and sent to Santa at once… or so they said, but in reality, they would be sent to parents, and whether the gifts written in the letters would be given depended on the parents’ discretion.

And this is just my thought, but Kagami would try her best to buy whatever gift I wrote down, no matter what. To Kagami, I was always a good child.

In my opinion, well, I was probably much more mature than the other children. After all, what’s inside me is practically an adult.

I stared at the blank paper for a long time, contemplating.

Toys were out of the question. Just writing “toy” wouldn’t specify what kind of toy I wanted or how I wanted to play with it. Somehow, I felt Kagami would buy the best she could afford and then skip lunches for a while, so I wanted to write something cheaper and easier to get.

But if I asked for something like a scarf or gloves, Kagami would think, “Oh, our Kotone is cold! I haven’t been paying enough attention, and Kotone has been shivering in the cold!”

Kagami is conscious of the fact that our family is a “single-mother household” and that she is a “minor.” And that’s somewhat distant from what Kagami considers a “normal family.”

Kagami always tried to hide the fact that I was in this “not-so-normal family.” Rather than an inferiority complex, she wanted me not to be looked down upon by anyone, anywhere.

She couldn’t buy extremely expensive clothes, but she tried to get me clean, nice clothes. Before going out in winter, she would wrap a scarf around my neck and make sure I wore gloves.

To be honest, being fully equipped like that felt a bit stuffy.

But if I took them off in front of Kagami, she would surely be hurt, so I stayed quietly buried in those thick clothes until we reached kindergarten by bus.

If I asked for even more cold protection here, I might get heatstroke in the middle of winter, so that was a pass.

“…”

The problem was that after eliminating these two options, there was nothing left in my mind. With the imagination-poor adult brain, I couldn’t see a way to solve this problem.

“Kotone-chan?”

As I sat there pondering with the white paper in front of me, the teacher sat down beside me.

“Are you having trouble figuring out what to write?”

She asked cautiously.

Ah, this might be a bit dangerous.

Just like how problematic behavior at school gets reported to parents, the same applies to kindergarten.

I don’t think what I’m doing now is a major problem, but it’s not something that would go without comment either.

A child not wanting anything at all isn’t normal by any standard.

How could I avoid burdening Kagami too much? And how could I avoid hurting her feelings?

I slowly moved my hand to pick up the blunt-tipped children’s pencil.

And slowly began writing on the paper.

[I want to go out with Mom]

Just that much.

But even with just this, the teacher seemed relieved, letting out a light sigh and patting my head.

Come to think of it, Kagami and I haven’t really gone out anywhere to relax.

This should be fine, right?

After thinking for a moment, worried that Kagami might aim for Disneyland or somewhere much farther away, I wrote more specifically.

[Go to the department store with Mom. Eat delicious food with Mom. Walk around with Mom.]

“…”

It was quite burdensome feeling the teacher staring at what I was writing, but I decided to leave it at that.

I hope it’s not… too burdensome.

Even as I folded the letter into a large envelope and decorated it by drawing and cutting and pasting, I kept worrying about that.

*

And for about a week until Christmas, Kagami subtly kept an eye on me.

It seemed the letter had been delivered to Kagami. I tried my best to pretend not to notice her watchful eyes.

Did I write something unnecessary in the letter?

I wrote it in a bit of a hurry then, but thinking about it again, everything I wrote could be burdensome for Kagami.

I’m not sure exactly where Kagami works, but my guess is somewhere like a restaurant.

Seeing how her cooking skills have been steadily improving, she might be working in a kitchen somewhere.

If so, Christmas would be a peak season, and when the kitchen gets busy, they’d be short-staffed.

Not just restaurants, but any business would be like that.

“Kotone, Kotone.”

As always when Kagami called me, her tone was soft yet slightly playful.

But today, there was a slight pause between those two calls. That showed she was somewhat lost in thought.

I felt her gently embrace me from behind as I was blankly watching TV.

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yes.”

I steeled myself.

Was she going to ask if a day other than Christmas would be okay?

But my worry was in a slightly different direction.

“Is it… being at home all the time, a bit, um.”

Kagami paused in thought for a moment, then carefully continued.

“Boring?”

…Ah, I see.

Come to think of it, we rarely went out anywhere far together.

It wasn’t about going far; even trips to the nearby market weren’t that frequent.

I wasn’t the type to insist on going out, and Kagami, looking somewhat tired on weekends, would just lounge around the room with me.

Perhaps Kagami hadn’t even considered that I might want to “go out.”

She’s so young.

And considering her life before having me, she might not have had the luxury to go out much.

People find it difficult to imagine experiences they haven’t had.

“…No. I like it at home. It’s warm.”

My response was a bit delayed as I processed the realization.

But Kagami seemed to interpret it differently, silently holding me tighter.

“On Christmas, shall we go out?”

Kagami whispered softly while holding me in her arms.

“We’ll see pretty things, eat delicious food. What do you think?”

“Yes. I’d like that.”

This time, I answered properly and directly.

Kagami made a small laughing sound and hugged me tighter.

It felt a bit suffocating. Part of that suffocation came from within me. The suffocation of knowing Kagami had to be in this situation at her age. And tenderness.

The suffocation of not being able to resolve that situation… well, even if I were an adult, there wasn’t much I could have done.

The other part of the suffocation was from being tightly held in Kagami’s arms.

I disliked the former suffocation. I didn’t want to feel that kind of suffocation.

But the suffocation from being embraced was okay.

Even though I knew the being holding me was just a fragile young girl, it felt as if her embrace was the safest place in the world.

As if I instinctively felt that way.

Well, I guess it’s natural.

After all, Kagami was my mother.