Ch.268Chapter 268: Nostalgia

#?#?

I’m not sure if this will reach you.

Even if it does, I don’t know how you’ll react.

You’ll probably be incredibly angry or show endless contempt toward me.

But these words have been circling in my mouth and building up in my heart, and I feel like I’ll never reach you in that distant place beyond my perception, so I’m expressing myself this way.

I’ll speak believing you can hear me.

I worried about what harm might come to me for trying to approach you even after seeing how much you’d changed.

And out of concern that I might feel even the slightest guilt looking at you like that.

Since the moment I realized you were cruel to me until the very end when you left.

There’s something I’ve wanted to tell you all along.

Do you know what it is?

…it was.

Almost everything I said to you after you appeared before me in your changed form.

…it was all lies.

Starting from when I first saw you changed, screaming that you were no longer the person I knew, throwing at your chest everything that had defined the relationship between us.

And ending with saying I regretted the moments when I had once held warmth in my heart as I watched you meet your end.

All those words that must have pierced your heart like daggers… looking back now, they were all lies.

Reflecting on it now, every single one was a lie.

I thought I meant them when I said them.

But from the moment you left, reduced to ashes that couldn’t even fill one of my hands, I realized.

They were all ridiculous lies I spat out because I felt I couldn’t endure otherwise.

I realized what I actually wanted to say to you was:

“As long as I have you, that’s enough, so I’ll go there too.”

And once I realized that.

I think I understood why you were so cruel to me.

Because you knew that was the only way I wouldn’t waver and could fulfill my given mission.

And you pushed me away with all your might because you knew if I made such a choice, I would meet the same end as you, turned to ashes and gone.

Funny, isn’t it? Saying this now.

I’ve been left behind like this.

And you ended everything by turning into ashes small enough to fit in my tiny hand.

You were the one who quietly did your duty without anyone’s recognition, leaving without even receiving gratitude.

And I stand in a position receiving cheers and praise after ending all this distortion.

Receiving incomparable concern and warmth from those who know the weight I carried on my shoulders and the anguish I endured…

Even though anyone would say I’m living a happy life.

If I could go back to that time, I want to take back all the choices I made and choose to be by your side.

I just miss you.

I wish that when I close my eyes and open them again, you would appear before me as if all this were a lie, the you who always worried about me tenderly even without showing emotion on your face.

No… you don’t have to be tender.

You don’t have to look at me.

You don’t have to be by my side.

You can tear my heart apart by saying you never want to see someone like me again.

Anything would be fine… I just wish you were alive.

From the moment I saw that the token that once expressed what was between us—which I threw at you while declaring the end of our relationship—was the only thing that didn’t turn to ash in your arms as you faded away.

It’s my wish to never forget you who has gone…

I still remember. From the precious memory of that rainy day when you found me crying endlessly and just said sorry as you awkwardly but tenderly carried me on your back.

When the sky was completely dyed crimson-black. After the army covering the wasteland had obliterated without a trace the fortress where I and countless others with missions lived.

When I collapsed from exhaustion and you carried me on your back, neglecting your own body, running endlessly to a safe place, and I screamed as I felt the warmth from your back growing colder with time.

And the painfully vivid memory of being with you, who never stopped walking while smiling faintly with that tender voice I so desperately wanted to hear.

I should have forgotten by now… Even though you’ve turned into a handful of ashes, small enough to fit in my hand.

From the moment I saw the ashes I had imprisoned in my hand for fear of losing them disappear like sand flowing between my fingers.

Whether I close my eyes or open them, whether I sleep, walk, run, cry, or laugh.

It comes to mind constantly until I feel like I’m going crazy.

In truth, I hate myself for feeling alive just because I can remember you this way.

I miss you…

So instead of the full name I’ve been calling you stiffly since declaring our separation, I’ll just call you by your name.

Cal…

#

My consciousness, which had been submerged below sleep, gradually rises.

As it does, my dulled senses begin to accurately tell me where I am.

The sound of ominous magical energy swirling like a vortex echoes in my ears.

Though my eyes aren’t open yet, I can tell the darkness is so severe that there would be little difference whether they were open or closed.

Yes. Though I don’t particularly want to admit it, these two facts alone tell me where I am.

The Demon Realm, a space overflowing with impure divinity where black malice surges—what its inhabitants call the Obsidian Palace—is where I’ve been summoned.

…Or rather, “dragged” would be the more accurate expression.

Now that I’ve confirmed where I am, it’s time to recall what my senses perceived just before my consciousness surfaced.

Ironically, despite realizing I’m in the space that represents the darkest chapter of my life.

What I perceived afterward had little to do with the darkness and negativity that would suit this place.

The hot tears that inexplicably started from my eyes and fell endlessly as my consciousness surfaced.

The remarkably warm sensation I felt on my forehead.

And lastly… what was clearly resonating in my mind until just before my consciousness surfaced.

Resonating… echoing…

…What was it?

It soaked my heart with such poignancy that tears flowed from my closed eyes.

What on earth was it?

I tried desperately to recall what it was.

But the identity of that longing that had pounded in my heart so clearly that even the darkness enveloping this place seemed vivid, disappeared like a mirage.

“Sigh…”

With a deep sigh expressing inexplicable regret.

Though regret was soaking my heart and making me melancholic.

Now was not the time to be swayed by such emotions.

With my senses already active and painfully informing me of where I was.

I didn’t have the luxury to chase the content of a dream that wouldn’t surface.

After returning, I had vowed to bury this place and never even look at it unless I came of my own volition, so being dragged here like this weighed heavily on my heart.

But what can I do? Since it’s already happened, I should at least give some proper response to those who went through the trouble of dragging me here.

[Such terrible darkness. It hasn’t changed a bit from a thousand years ago to now, still as gloomy as ever.]

-I see you’re awake. You should have woken me up.

As my head was about to become complicated, I expressed my slightly reproachful delight at Fafnir, who had awakened before me and was observing the surroundings.

[I did wake you. If I had a physical body, I would have woken you with a voice loud enough to shake this entire gloomy palace, but you simply didn’t get up.]

As he expressed mild dissatisfaction toward me for not waking up despite his efforts.

-I must have been in quite a deep sleep.

Determined to maintain my shamelessness to the end, I responded brazenly.

[Such audacity… Is it because you’re familiar with this place where you spent so much time that you can afford such leisure?]

-I didn’t know you had the ability to verbally assault people.

Though his tone was generous, the content was sharp enough to pierce me, so I apologized and took a step back.

[Hehehe… Tucking your tail in at just this much.]

Fafnir stopped teasing me, filling my head with his hearty laughter.

Normally, I would have been embarrassed to be teased by Fafnir in this way.

But as he said, despite recognizing this place as detestable, after living through numerous lifetimes in various places.

It was a clear fact that my mood, which should have been depressed at being dragged to the place symbolizing the darkest part of my life, was actually lifted in a positive direction.

-Thanks to you, I was able to clear my head a bit.

I expressed my sincere gratitude to Fafnir.

[That’s enough. I who know that being dragged here was almost beyond your control wouldn’t reproach you. Since it’s come to this anyway, let’s first think about escaping together.]

At Fafnir’s words, somewhat gruff but overflowing with affection, suggesting we escape from here, I slowly opened my eyes that had remained closed.

Though I had anticipated it even before opening my eyes.

“…Damn, I can’t see.”

Realizing I was in the darkest, most remote part of this palace where not even a single ray of light entered.

“…Sigh.”

I tried to calm my chest, which was becoming constricted, with a heavy sigh as I recognized I was stuck in a place that would be difficult to escape from.

“If it’s equally dark whether your eyes are open or closed, wouldn’t it be better to keep them closed?”

“…!!”

Startled by the soft voice that suddenly came from behind me, I turned around.

“…Hello.”

I could see the owner of the soft golden light that shone alone in the darkness addressing me.

The very person who had instantly shattered all the fighting spirit I had gathered just before being dragged here was now looking at me with an expression that seemed somewhat indifferent.

The person’s golden hair was particularly radiant in this palace of darkness where not even a single ray of light visited.

To think they could express such indifference with those refined features, making it impossible to know what they were thinking.

The Shizu I knew never made such an expression, yet seeing this impostor approaching me with such a natural nonchalance.

I felt nothing but absurd astonishment toward this fake, but.

“…Imperfectio.”

“You… remember my name.”

As I quietly called the other’s name and they responded in a monotone voice despite showing a strange gladness at my words, the displeasure that had welled up upon recognizing I was in the Obsidian Palace.

“Thank you… for remembering.”

Felt like it was dissipating like foam.

Even though this was a phenomenon I couldn’t dismiss as mere words.

Finding an appropriate response to this person approaching me with more emotion than when we first met.

Might be more difficult than crossing swords with them—such an impertinent thought even crossed my mind.