Ch.259The Scars of History. Moros Gorge (5)

“A-Are you okay?”

“…No.”

It feels so empty.

Whether I’m impotent or my wife is barren, it doesn’t matter anymore.

It felt like being told that everything I’ve built in my life was just a sandcastle on the beach.

A sandcastle that would inevitably collapse no matter how well it was built.

If the Transcendents control even our reproductive abilities, why do humans exist at all…

What is free will? Is it the freedom to choose to get a vasectomy?

If I’m an apostle connected to and controlled by a god, does that mean all apostles ultimately have their right to bear children taken away by their deity?

“Impotent… me, impotent…”

*Sob sob*… How can I possibly overcome this sorrow?

“Uweeeek…”

I’m stretching and squishing my wife’s cheeks in desperation, but there’s no way to fill this emptiness.

For a moment I felt betrayed by my wife… but how could she be at fault?

From the beginning, she was promised immortality but wasn’t qualified to become an apostle yet, so she became one forcibly through her husband’s merit. Directing my resentment at her wouldn’t change anything.

Above all, she was a victim just like me…

This isn’t a matter of faith. It’s about the most basic human instinct.

Sexual desire, the most fundamental human instinct, isn’t just a one-dimensional need for release. It’s the desire to leave behind descendants. Furthermore, it represents the higher-order desire to leave one’s achievements in the world.

But that desire has been blocked!

Damn it!

Who are you trying to fool?

What? You’ll restore it after I complete the pilgrimage?! What if I die before completing it?

And there’s no guarantee it will be restored when the pilgrimage ends!

After the pilgrimage, they might say they’ll restore it when I become a lord, then when I become a king, then when I become an emperor, and even after becoming emperor, they might say they’ll restore it after I conquer the world and revive the Nariaki Empire!

I feel self-loathing and anguish that this is why I became the Sun’s Apostle… If I had known that putting a 10-month menstrual vaccine in my wife’s belly would become this difficult, I would have ignored the Sun’s message…

What wealth and glory am I supposed to enjoy by becoming impotent…

I have a mouth to scream, but no strength to do so.

How am I supposed to deal with this helplessness, like being a spineless, gelatinous invertebrate…

“The Empire deserved to fall after all…”

I shed tears while uttering such blasphemous words.

My wife was licking my cheek with her cat-like tongue, but my tears flowed more abundantly.

Ah… Moon Goddess Maria! Damn it! Is it so offensive to you that a husband and wife love each other and want to have children? Take away our sexual desire instead. Why take away our reproductive ability!

Do you not understand how hateful it is to be able to satisfy desire but not reap its fruits?

“Me… impotent…”

Strictly speaking, it’s my wife who became barren, but since I have no intention of sleeping with anyone other than my wife, it amounts to the same thing.

My wife said the Moon told her:

-You’re still young, so you should enjoy life. I’ve stopped your menstruation, so you won’t have menstrual pain until you complete the pilgrimage.-

This damn…

I could have helped her with menstrual pain, so why inject divinity to…

Aaaagh… Aaaaaaah… Damn it… Shit… Dog-dick-like dog….. Aaaauuugh…

I hugged my wife and wailed.

Is it so disgusting to have a chubby son and a soft daughter, Maria…!

What enjoyment in life… Taking away a woman’s greatest happiness and a man’s ultimate purpose…

I stretched my wife’s cheeks in all directions while wailing.

God… doesn’t understand the human heart…

*

The next morning. I cracked Lucia’s head open.

The reason is absurd. That damn woman mocked me for becoming impotent. Did she think a woman’s head would remain intact after touching a man’s pride?

Actually, that wasn’t the only reason I cracked her head.

It was because she made the outrageous comment, “If you want a child so badly, why don’t you go after some woman other than Raisha, whom the Moon has blocked?”

That cursed alcoholic elf had her mouth torn apart before for wagging her tongue at my wife, but it seems she hasn’t learned her lesson.

Remember… Love that isn’t faithful has no value whatsoever…

As I looked at her with a stern, serious, solemn face while her skull was cracked and cerebral cortex exposed, Casia nervously dragged her sister away and fed her a high-grade potion.

Soon her head began to regenerate, but the long hair she had grown didn’t return, leaving her suddenly bald.

Serves you right, damn woman. You should have watched your mouth.

“You. No drinking until your hair grows as long as your sister’s. If I catch you drinking, I’ll tear off your neck next time, not just your head.”

“I… I understand.”

“And Casia.”

“…Yes.”

“Keep your sister in check… if she doesn’t want to die before getting married.”

“…”

As I growled these words, Main, who had been watching everything, was sweating profusely.

He must have been confused, coming to wake us up only to find a cracked skull with an exposed brain, and hearing sudden talk about impotence and faithful love.

“You. Main, guide of the ravine.”

“Yes…!”

“Do you know why this elf was punished?”

He thought deeply for a moment… then bowed his head and said:

“Surely because she said something blasphemous?”

“You are correct. That elf had her head cracked because she dared to utter the absurdity that I should abandon my wife and take another woman.”

“My goodness…”

Main’s expression was genuinely dumbfounded.

“How has that elf lived to speak such nonsense? Aren’t elves supposed to be wiser than humans? To make such a blasphemous statement to one who has ascended to the position of the Sun’s Apostle shows a major defect in basic character and intelligence.”

“You speak truly. She is still a young elf not yet seventy, so I have been lenient, but I fear my anger is growing.”

After I said this, Main asked curiously:

“Then wouldn’t it be better to leave that elf behind? Why allow an elf woman who provokes your anger to tarnish the name of the Sun?”

“She serves as practice and helps widen the vessel of my patience.”

“….?”

Main wore an expression of incomprehension, so I looked down at him and explained in detail.

“I must embark on a pilgrimage to receive the Sun’s recognition. Only then can I give hope to the faithful of this world that the Sun has returned to this earth, and that the Sun’s radiance will once again shine upon believers. But Main, as you can see, there are too many things in this world that erode our reason and harm our intelligence. And consider this: won’t those who have hidden in darkness for tens of thousands of years, never seeing the light, cling to me and beg for salvation?”

“Your words are true.”

I nodded quietly. In truth, among the rough adventurers, Lucia’s outburst was so mild it barely qualified as offensive speech.

After all, I grew up working at the docks hearing all kinds of abuse like “your parents’ crotch is Faerun’s best restaurant” and worse.

“So I must endure that elf’s impropriety and rudeness. If I cannot withstand even the outbursts and mockery of a young elf, am I worthy of spreading the Sun’s power across the earth? The Sun told me that good counsel is unpleasant to hear, but its value lies in that unpleasantness. Although her slander is not good counsel, if I unleash unrestrained anger simply because I dislike hearing it or because she insulted me, who would follow me to spread the Sun’s gospel?”

“Ah…. Your words are true. Please do not blame my ignorance.”

Ah, truly a guide after my heart. If the world were filled with reliable people like Main, it would have been much closer to heaven by now.

I smiled gently and patted his shoulder.

“How could I scold you? Main of the ravine. Now we shall leave this place, taking its memories with us. You have not seen the Sun’s miracle but have seen me, its afterglow. Speak before the other apostles.”

“What should I say?”

“That you saw a being with a soul made of light and heat. That the true master will soon return to these thirteen continents.”

With those words, I led my group out of the hotel.

We had stayed long enough, and it was time to depart for the next destination.

I didn’t know if he would ever meet another apostle to relay my message.

But isn’t the possibility alone enough?

Just as the Sun still shines upon humanity despite all its failures…