Ch.24Winter (2)

I smile bitterly. I truly smiled bitterly.

While looking at his expression—furrowed brows as if he genuinely didn’t understand why I had to leave or why he had to follow me.

I exhaled heavily, my mouth filled with bitterness.

“…You should go. We’ll be leaving around evening.”

I had already felt better when I saw him, but that expression—not understanding why he needed to leave—made my mood sink again.

That look of complete ignorance bothered me.

Did he really not know tomorrow was my birthday? Or was it just uncomfortable for him to mention to me?

My chest began to feel increasingly tight as my thoughts grew complicated.

Perhaps it was nothing significant. Maybe he was too busy living his life to remember even his own birthday.

However, I couldn’t shake the feeling that wasn’t the case.

I noticed my face had fallen into shadow as I stared at the door Evan had just exited through.

#

It was truly a casual comment I overheard by chance.

While reading a book as usual with nothing else to do, Rofena casually mentioned something that caused such ripples.

“Miss, did you know? The day after tomorrow is the knight’s birthday.”

She said she found out by chance and asked what gift would be appropriate, but I couldn’t answer.

I must have seen his personal information in documents before. Why hadn’t I known about his birthday until now?

When I asked if he had told her directly, Rofena shook her head. She had simply seen the date while organizing papers on his desk.

A gift, huh? My eyes narrowed slightly at that word I hadn’t considered in quite some time.

If I were to give him something, what should it be? It would be easier to ask, but my knight guard seemed quite busy these days.

It was rather amusing that I was thinking of celebrating something like a guard knight’s birthday, when previously I would have simply ignored it.

But what could I do? Having already acknowledged him deep in my heart, it was difficult to even keep him out of my sight.

I already knew he was diligently training before his appointment ceremony.

That day, I wasn’t sure how he took my candid confession at the ball,

but I thought if he had taken it negatively, he wouldn’t be acting the way he was now.

I was quite pleased. The fact that despite hearing such words, he worked even harder.

It felt as though he was doing it just for me, and I experienced that ticklish sensation in my chest that I hadn’t felt in quite some time.

Even in this duke’s mansion where winter had arrived, bringing cold and chill, whenever I saw him, it felt like a warm breeze was blowing again.

The human heart is so fickle—I was now easily accepting someone I had once tried so hard to push away.

His existence had already become imprinted on me, just like Rofena.

If he were to disappear someday, I might feel quite disappointed.

And remembering the expression he wore, I closed my eyes tightly.

Looking at me with that puzzled expression—thinking about it carefully, his green eyes were clearly wavering.

My knight guard truly didn’t seem to know tomorrow was his birthday.

What filled his green eyes was clearly confusion. It wasn’t the reaction of someone who knew his birthday was coming after sunset.

I could almost hear what Lord Chris occasionally mentioned.

Before meeting me, he always wore a gloomy expression, didn’t he?

After making a face like someone about to leave for somewhere else,

he would always shut himself in his room and swing his sword—that statement particularly bothered me.

Was he making such expressions even now in places I couldn’t see?

If he wore such expressions behind closed doors, yet still smiled for me.

Suddenly, I realized I was biting my lip.

The soft flesh inside my mouth was bitten, releasing a tangy taste. I didn’t feel particularly good.

What could be so desperate that he would forget even his own birthday while focusing on something?

“…Rize.”

When I called for someone who might be standing outside the door, eventually the door opened and a maid entered.

A maid with a habit of occasionally touching the mole under her eye. Perhaps she was the closest person to Evan.

“My lady.”

“Tomorrow is Evan’s birthday. Did you know?”

“Oh, was it?”

I let out a small laugh as the maid tilted her head as if she truly didn’t know.

Even she didn’t know. Even she, who frequently conversed with Evan and was even friends with Rofena, didn’t know it was his birthday.

My deep blue eyes had already grown cold.

Thoughts I had momentarily forgotten suddenly resurfaced, and I unconsciously bit my lip.

Yuris, didn’t I terribly dislike this duke’s mansion? This was what I hated.

On the surface, they seemed to treat people well, their mouths always smiling, but their eyes never did.

How could it be that despite being so close, they didn’t even know his birthday?

“…You may go.”

There was nothing more to ask.

With just disappointment added to this result, I sighed faintly and roughly scattered the documents piled on my desk.

Pressing my forehead with my hand, I slowly ran my fingers down my face.

A small circle drawn on the calendar. After hearing Rofena’s words, I realized his birthday was tomorrow.

In the past, I would have simply acknowledged it and moved on, but somehow, it bothered me to just let it pass.

What must it feel like to not have one’s birth day celebrated?

I recalled his expression of not knowing anything. And his face that always wore a bright expression.

It was frustrating not knowing whether he truly forgot his birthday or was just pretending to forget.

Thinking about it, I knew nothing about him. Even though I felt comfortable with him and held onto him.

I was still selfish. After that ball, I thought I had changed, but nothing about me had changed.

What was different from before we talked at the tea party?

Only that his attitude wasn’t cold anymore. Only that the words coming from his mouth were no longer laced with thorns.

I had simply relied on him as my knight guard, but never actually tried to learn anything about him.

If Rofena hadn’t told me, he probably would have spent his birthday without any celebration.

The sigh that escaped was heavy. My brow furrowed at my chest tightening again.

It was simply dreadful that I was becoming like the people of this duke’s mansion whom I so despised.

I didn’t want to resemble them. Hadn’t I resolved to live differently from them?

I could have asked him first. Was I still afraid of getting close to him?

While pretending to be fine on the outside, pretending to have revealed everything, was I inwardly still reluctant to let him approach?

It should be time to remove the thorns surrounding me, but that was truly not easy.

Damn it all.

#

“This time, go alone.”

When I went to find Lord Chris again and told him about my conversation with Airine, he looked at me briefly and answered that way.

Well, with the appointment ceremony coming soon, perhaps he wanted to entrust me with full responsibility.

“I will.”

When I readily agreed, Lord Chris, who had been staring at me, scratched his cheek and spoke.

“By the way, tomorrow’s your birthday. Should I say congratulations?”

“…It’s my birthday?”

“Don’t you even look at calendars? Tomorrow is your birthday. I haven’t prepared a gift though.”

My eyes widened at this news I was hearing for the first time, and Lord Chris, seemingly surprised as well, narrowed his eyes and glanced at me.

Though I had been living as Evan Fried for quite some time, I didn’t know my birthday because I didn’t have those memories.

Come to think of it, tomorrow’s date was circled on the calendar—was that what it meant?

My brow furrowed slightly at the sudden memory from the past.

Birthdays didn’t hold only good memories for me.

I briefly raised my hand to run it over my face, then sighed slightly and twisted the corner of my mouth.

“There’s no need to congratulate me. It’s not really a special day.”

Truly, it might be special for others, but not for me.

It was just one of those days I’d rather not remember.

A day that might be blessed for someone’s birth was just a cursed day for me.

“…You.”

After staring at me intently for a moment, Lord Chris eventually sighed and lowered his head.

“If that’s the case… well, still, congratulations. You may not accept a gift, but don’t refuse this.”

“Yes, thank you.”

As I grinned and shrugged my shoulders, Lord Chris also gave a hearty laugh and rose from his seat.

The corners of his mouth formed a thin arc, looking out of place on his rugged face.

At first, he seemed a bit scary, but after spending time together, I quickly realized he was a good person.

It would be nice if I could continue to see him.

When I change the ending Airine will face, when everyone can smile happily. It would be nice if Lord Chris could be there then.

After watching Lord Chris quietly leave, I closed my eyes tightly and took a deep breath.

My chest had been uncomfortable since hearing the word “birthday,” but as the cold winter air filled my lungs, it seemed to improve a little.

“Birthday, huh.”

I thought perhaps I could now accept it without any particular feelings.

Now I was Evan Fried, and Evan Fried must have lived quite differently from me.

Perhaps he ate sweet cake with family who smiled at him while receiving various gifts on his birthdays.

But I couldn’t be defined solely as Evan Fried.

I, who had simply entered and settled into Evan Fried’s body, couldn’t definitively claim to be Evan Fried.

It would be best to just quietly let it pass. Thinking this, I slowly opened my eyes that had been closed.

What I saw was moonlight so cold it chilled my heart, making the winter’s cold seem even deeper.

It was freezing. The wind that had felt merely cool until just now was so biting that my body instinctively curled up.

The wind penetrating through my clothes scraped my bones, then swept through every corner of my body, freezing me.

A bare tree without a single leaf was looking at me. As if saying it was just like me, its empty branches seemed more pronounced than ever.

-Why were you even born?

The words spoken by the person who gave birth to me on the day I was born echoed in my ears.

No matter how much I tried to forget, those words kept coming back, making me clench my teeth.

“…Haa.”

The breath escaping through my teeth was cold. My body felt completely frozen, as if I had already died and stiffened.

I didn’t believe that birthdays were days to be blessed. Not since very early childhood, before I could even speak properly.

I hated birthdays.

I wished this day would pass quietly with no one knowing.

With that thought, I lowered my gaze from the sky and slowly began to walk forward again.

The path covered with fallen leaves felt merely soggy today.

Like a black swamp where that coldness had melted in, trying to grab my feet and pull me down.