Ch.24480. Everything Went Backwards (3)

Even when the night sky clears, the anxiety remains.

When the wind and rain grow fierce, I instinctively look back.

Even as I close my eyes, I unconsciously strain to listen.

As if at any moment, I might hear a voice calling for me.

Without realizing it, I wait with desperate longing.

I wait, and wait again.

But it never returns.

And as I close my eyes like this.

…Even in dreams, it’s fading now.

Even that young face I’ve resented for so long is no longer visible.

“Mother!”

The moment I open my eyes, I realize my entire body is drenched in sweat.

Between ragged breaths, I press my hand firmly against my rapidly rising and falling chest.

Yet my consciousness still wanders between reality and fantasy.

“Ah…”

It felt as though someone was about to wake me, shaking me.

…But even that must have been a dream, as my surroundings are empty and quiet.

Massaging her heavy eyelids, Ermina struggled to catch her breath.

====

For the past few weeks, the Empire had been in turmoil on many fronts.

In some places, conflicts escalated into bloodshed, while in others, monsters that had never existed before emerged and wreaked havoc.

Led by an evil faith worshipping the Demon King, traitors incited meaningless chaos, causing numerous victims and casualties in many villages and cities.

When even those who had made pacts with demons joined the chaos, the scale grew ever larger.

Though the Empire had always been thoroughly prepared for such situations and the damage had not spread extensively.

Nevertheless, innocent victims continued to emerge.

This was why Ermina had left the institution and was traveling throughout the Empire.

While there were political reasons, what was clear was that many people needed her.

Above all, her existence meant that even the dead could maintain their lives in some way as long as she was alive.

She was also a saint who wielded holy power that countered the evil forces of demons and demon-kind.

Though people praised her as the Holy Mother, she had actively denied this title.

A mother.

Having finished her prayers with effort, she was busy encouraging the sick and injured around a village that appeared quiet but had once housed dozens, continuing from yesterday.

“Thank you! Thank you so much!”

“It’s nothing. All is by God’s grace. So all glory comes from Him.”

Only after thoroughly examining everyone did Ermina board a wyvern—said to have few riders even in the Empire—with her escorts to move to the next location.

Unlike dragons, these beast-like creatures were believed to share the same roots as dragons from ancient times.

The difference was that one received divine blessing, while the other did not, forced to fulfill its bestial nature and roam the wilderness endlessly until the end of the world.

They were said to be fierce and temperamental, impossible to tame unless done from a young age.

Even so, the Empire had willingly endured that hardship.

Thus, a journey that would take half a day by carriage took barely an hour or two by wyvern.

“This way, quickly!”

A man who appeared to be the village chief led them while clutching his bandaged head.

“Oh no!”

But.

Before entering the house, wails and cries of mourning echoed out, stopping the village chief in his tracks.

“N-no… it can’t be…”

In the corner of the house they hurriedly entered, a man lay on a blanket spread on the floor, the broken bed abandoned, his face deathly pale.

“This fellow! He survived being stabbed, why! After holding on so well, why!”

Ermina rushed over to check his condition, but…

“…He has passed away.”

He wasn’t breathing.

In fact, it seemed he had been gone for some time… they must have realized too late.

As she had noticed on her way here, this village had suffered particularly severe damage, with many buildings destroyed or completely burned down.

This wasn’t the work of monsters or beasts.

It was humans being so relentlessly cruel to their own kind.

Especially arson—a method most monsters would never choose, with very few exceptions.

“Is there really… nothing you can do? Holy Saint!”

“…I’m sorry.”

“Please! My mother too! My mother is in critical condition! Please save her!”

Before Ermina could offer words of comfort, a child grabbed her sleeve and pulled her along.

“…”

A nun who had accompanied her gave a look suggesting she would handle things here, then turned her attention to the grieving woman.

Helplessness would eventually transform into resentment and anger.

Receiving that, alleviating their wounds and malice, absorbing their negative emotions and impulses.

…All part of their role.

These people had no one else to believe in or rely on, so they harbored expectations and hope.

The helpless, unable to do anything themselves, ultimately had no choice but to depend on others, pray, and beg.

Ermina herself had been the same.

Used by others since childhood.

And from a certain day onward, confined and constantly praying for unknown purposes…

“Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”

The woman who regained consciousness through her touch.

As the woman’s child offered simple thanks through tears and snot, Ermina felt as if a heavy stone had been placed on her chest.

‘If only I had come a little sooner.’

She could have saved that man too.

Even this is said to be predetermined fate, but…

…

After examining everyone she could and even conducting funerals,

she calmly accepted the grief and anger of the bereaved.

“Why didn’t you come earlier! Why were you so late!”

“How could this happen? Why must we endure such trials… Oh God. God. What sin have we committed to deserve this…”

“Waaaaaah!”

Sorrow flows like rain, like a river.

Both joy and sorrow are His will.

“Let’s head to the next location. I will stay here and take responsibility for these people.”

With the nun and two imperial knights remaining behind, Ermina boarded the wyvern again… receiving thanks, regrets, and some resentment…

She had to leave that place as if escaping.

With new personnel joining during the journey, they arrived at a small city.

‘This place…’

First the east.

Then the north.

Then circling around to the west.

And now… the south.

For several weeks, she had systematically visited urgent areas she could reach.

She had saved many lives because of it.

She had received countless expressions of gratitude.

…But there were lives she inevitably lost.

And their bereaved families with nowhere to direct their resentment and anger, who couldn’t bear it and expressed their frustration even toward her.

…The pitiful and heartbreaking sight of these people chipped away at even the fulfillment gained from the countless lives she had saved.

‘I can’t save everyone.’

Knowing this doesn’t make experiencing it any less difficult and painful.

The truly hard part isn’t my own struggle.

And.

Even now, I wait for that voice that might call me from somewhere.

Even though I know it won’t be heard in places like this.

And fearing I might miss seeing that figure, just in case.

I’ve constantly tried to keep my eyes wide open.

“…”

Even if I save a hundred or a thousand people.

Could that truly be atonement?

Those who died in my place.

And…

What began with me but went wrong through misguided approaches.

Now, I don’t even know how to restore my relationship with that child.

I don’t know any of it.

“Are you alright?”

“…I’ve caused you concern.”

Fighting against her fading consciousness, Ermina hastened her steps.

Weakness is a sin.

We have lived in such a world.

One can become hardened, but must not become evil.

For the wicked ultimately hurt themselves and those around them.

Lacking strength is also a sin.

Without strength, one cannot protect.

So one becomes cowardly and unfortunate.

And eventually, unable to reject the hand of evil.

But having only strength is also a sin.

For one will use that strength only for oneself.

Among these, ignorance is the greatest sin.

The greatest evil.

Because it always leads to wrong choices.

It would be fortunate if only oneself were ruined.

But such choices ruin those around you.

Just like herself.

Surrendering one’s heart to emotions is also a sin.

This world is thus stained with sin and evil.

Traversing these rivers of sin and seas of evil.

We must… continue to pay the price of sin for being expelled from paradise until the day judgment through death arrives.

‘But.’

In the end, this pain and misfortune also stem from my foolishness.

It’s my mistake.

My error.

‘If that child becomes the Demon King and plunges the world into lamentation.’

What should I do?

How many times have I repeated this question and tried to answer it?

I don’t know.

Perhaps I’ll know when the time comes.

But even then, must I seek answers from the Lord rather than my own will?

Or…

Is this too a punishment and trial given to me?

‘If the impossible happens…’

What could be better than that?

If I could die hundreds of times to make everything as if nothing had happened.

…That’s what I wanted.

Truly.

Truly indeed.

====

“Are you hurt anywhere?”

The child smiles brightly.

Who do you think I am? I’m fine.

“Still, worrying is part of being a parent.”

I’m grown up now, you know?

“Grown up? You’re still a child.”

At my age, you and Father were already fighting the Demon King, so I’m grown up.

“That was different circumstances. These times don’t require that.”

Come on, people have expectations of me too. How could I live so irresponsibly?

“…Still, I just wish you would grow up healthy and whole.”

I’m too healthy—that’s the problem. Plus, while I’m eager, I lack time to gain recognition and build my skills. At this rate, I wonder when I’ll be like Father… I worry Elimion might grow up first.

“That would be a good thing.”

Yes, it would be good.

“…”

Yes. It would be good.

But why?

“I see. This is a dream again.”

When the body is tired, sometimes one doesn’t even realize they’re dreaming.

Like now.

It was brief but truly happy.

Because the impossible reality felt so real.

Now, it’s even more painful.

“…”

Ermina continued to gaze at the young man before her.

A child with a face she somehow had never seen, though it shimmered before her eyes.

For some reason, she couldn’t see his face clearly now.

The child turning his back toward the light.

As he headed out the entrance, saying he’d return again, that retreating figure… seemed like the final farewell of a child departing forever.

…

Suddenly,

she recalled the image of a parent cradling the half-crushed body of their child while singing a lullaby.

Compared to that, am I not truly fortunate?

So…

Next time, I must not fail under any circumstances.

For that child’s sake.

For my sake and his.

For everyone else’s sake.

When that time comes, may I be able to do what I can.

Lord.

Your foolish daughter begs you.

When that day comes, please grant me the courage to make the right choice…

Do not forgive me alone.

But forgive everything except me.