Ch.239Counseling Session

“…May I ask you one question? Is what you’re troubled about the accumulation of Karma of Murder, or the pain in your heart?”

It must be the latter.

I think I still have enough leeway when it comes to Karma of Murder.

If I couldn’t control this power and got swept away by it, that would be different, but the more I use it, the more familiar I become with controlling it.

At first, the energy of Karma of Murder was difficult to control, like coat tails caught in a strong wind, but now it moves as naturally as my own arms.

“If I had to say, it would be the heart side. Of course, it might be laughable that I’m even worrying about such things at this point.”

From Lacy’s perspective, I must sound like a mass murderer who’s killed thousands of innocent Dane suddenly whining about feeling uncomfortable killing innocent people. How ridiculous that must sound.

Even setting aside what Hersella has done, I’m no different.

Among the people I’ve killed, were there truly none who were innocent? Just thinking about the slaughter and plunder I committed in the early days after possession…

“That’s not true. Guilt and mercy are virtues unique to humans, so the fact that you’ve come to realize such feelings… that’s actually something to be congratulated for.”

…I suppose that’s meant to be comforting?

Though it didn’t really resonate with me, perhaps because of the “virtues unique to humans” part.

Lacy brought the teacup to her lips and tilted it.

“But… it is somewhat difficult. Such concerns ultimately have no meaning unless you find the answer yourself. What I can offer you is not the answer itself, but merely advice.”

“Yes, I suppose so…”

I didn’t have high expectations to begin with.

After all, she was someone who advocated exterminating all non-human races, leaving only a tiny minority to be placed in non-human zoos or camps.

Still, I came to her because there was no one else to ask.

If I shared these concerns with the knights, they would just say things like “unavoidable sacrifices” or “that’s just how it is on the battlefield.”

As if I didn’t already know that.

“So you’re saying you can at least give me some advice?”

“Providing guidance to those who have lost their way is the most important duty bestowed upon me as a servant of Elpinel. The concerns you’re harboring aren’t yours alone. Many Paladins have confided similar worries to me.”

“Paladins?”

“Yes. A Paladin’s duty is to hate evil and burn the sinful. However, evil always uses the innocent as shields, so they are inevitably forced to face difficult choices at every moment. Whether to destroy evil while piling up corpses, or to let evil go to prevent the sacrifice of the innocent.”

Indeed, this was similar to my current dilemma.

“Both choices are right, and both choices are wrong… but their decision was always the same. If it’s something that cannot be judged by human wisdom, they entrust that judgment to the one in heaven. To completely destroy evil—that is the commandment given by Elpinel. Therefore, they chose the path of destroying one evil person even if it meant sacrificing a hundred victims. Whether their actions were right or wrong, they believed without doubt that He would judge them when they stood before the heavenly judgment seat someday.”

The conclusion they reached was difficult for me to accept.

“Isn’t that just passing the burden of the decision? You just said we have to find the answer ourselves.”

“It’s a bit different. They made their own decisions and choices. They merely entrusted the grading of whether their answer was correct or incorrect to Elpinel.”

Lacy shook her head and continued.

“Some said they chose the sacrifice of a few to prevent the sacrifice of many more, believing that letting evil escape would result in even more victims. Others said they were taking on the sin themselves so that the innocent could reach Elpinel with their innocence intact, before they fell into the clutches of evil and committed sins.”

Yes, I suppose they did reach their own answers.

Even if those answers were closer to self-justification.

“Some said this: ‘Though they appear to be alive, they are already dead from the moment they became shields for evil, so the sin of killing them lies not with me but with the evil ones who used them as shields.'”

No, that’s going too far…

Even for self-justification, isn’t that excessive?

“…What do you think?”

“I simply do what I believe is right. I believe that if I am right, He will watch over me. And if I am wrong, Elpinel will punish me someday. Until that day comes, I will move forward without hesitation or looking back. Does that answer your question?”

A truly saintly answer. Except for the fact that what she believes is right happens to be a policy of racial extermination.

Anyway, I could understand what she meant.

Knights with the same concerns fight while rationalizing their actions with various logic, and leave the final judgment to God.

I suppose that’s one benefit of faith.

By attributing the results of their choices to God’s will, the weight of responsibility feels much lighter.

While that might be one approach… I couldn’t live that way.

“It’s an answer, but… I can’t think that way.”

“I understand. While you respect Elpinel, you don’t revere Him.”

Yes. That’s the issue.

As someone who doesn’t worship Elpinel, or any of the eleven gods for that matter, it’s hard for me to accept that the gods of this world determine the rightness or wrongness of my actions.

– Y҉̡̰̯͇̿͌̃̚͠e҉̧̯̞͕҇̿̒̑s҉͓̙̦̬̜̪͉̰̖̗̣̌̾́̎̀̅̋͆̃̚… w҈̢̠̞̜̤̅͑̑̈́̾̐̉͝ͅho҉̢̯̯҇̓́́̉ a҉̖͎͍̖̟̩̘̤͙̥̰̰͇͍͆͗̉͌͌͛̐́͒̉̅̍́͛̾ͅr҈̨̜̜͊̋͆̊̏͋͂̈͠e҈̬̟̟͍̘͔̳̮̰̱͔͉̱̦͒̾̿͑̓̉̎̋̂̀̓̓ͅ y҈̨̟̟̋̍̀̅̕o҉̨̛̙̤́͂̆̿u҈͎͚̤͐͊̃̂̌͢͡ t҉̢͡o҈̰͓̝̳̩͍̮̱͕̟̞̞͉̳̗͈̖̳̦̭̤̿̋̓̋͌͊̆̄́̃̑̐͋̿̋͌̓̐́̈́ͅͅ j҈̫̘̗͚̣̜͛̑̌̒̔̍̐̉͢͡u҉͙͚̙̗̫҇̽͗̅̋̋̈͗̌͢d҉̘̘͎̥͆͒͒̕͢g҈̟̗̘̬͖̫̰̟̝͈͐̇̂̌̈́̎̒e҈̟̗̘̬͖̫̰̟̝͈͐̇̂̌̈́̎̒!

.

.

…What was that just now?

It felt like some strange sound echoed in my head.

Was it Hersella?

‘Hey, what did you just say to me?’

[Hmm? I didn’t say anything.]

Was it my imagination…?

Could it have been another auditory hallucination? I’m not sure.

This hasn’t happened since I started talking with Hersella.

[I was merely watching, finding your behavior utterly ridiculous.]

‘…What do you mean by ridiculous?’

[For someone with a military background, you’re having childish concerns unbefitting of you. Is it really so burdensome for you to cut down these weak creatures who cannot even decide their own fate?]

…If we’re talking about childish, aren’t you the child here?

‘Well, it might not be burdensome for you, but for me—’

[Then surrender this body to me. Flee into your unconscious, close your eyes and cover your ears, and wait for the painful time to pass. Tearing apart militia is all too familiar to me… when you wake up, everything will be perfectly finished.]

Should I consider this as her own way of being considerate? Or is it mockery and contempt?

It was hard to tell. Either way, it was unacceptable.

‘…No, I can’t do that.’

That would just be running away.

Let’s say I entrust this matter to Hersella. If something like this happens again, would I ask her again? And after that? Keep going?

Besides, who knows what she might do once she takes over my body.

It was definitely an offer I couldn’t accept.

So what should I do…

“Baron Median? Are you alright?”

Lacy’s voice interrupted my thoughts.

Looking up at her, I saw her expression was half concerned, half puzzled.

“Huh? Oh, right. Sorry. I was just thinking.”

My lips moving silently must have looked strange to her.

This is why I tried not to talk to Hersella in front of others.

“…If I may say so out of concern, I have no intention of condemning you as a heretic just because you don’t revere Elpinel. You’ve only been in the Empire for half a year. Our faith and His radiance must still feel awkward to you.”

No, I wasn’t particularly worried about that.

Lacy seems to think I was troubled by what she said.

“Someday, you too will come to realize. The mercy of the One who looks down upon us all and bestows grace.”

“Yes, that would be nice.”

I brushed it off casually.

Lacy seemed to notice I was trying to gloss over it, but she didn’t appear to mind.

“Hmm… In any case, if the examples of the Paladins don’t resonate with you, then you’ll have to ask your own heart. Ask about the fundamental mindset behind what you think is right. Start from there and work your way through to make a decision. At least then, you won’t regret your choice.”

“Fundamental?”

“You were hostile toward Isabella even before knowing she was a witch. Unlike Prince Leopold, you didn’t have a grudge against her, nor had she harmed you. Why did you act that way?”

The reason I was hostile toward Isabella? Well…

“…Because she was an evil person who couldn’t be left alone.”

“Why couldn’t you leave her alone?”

“If that woman lived and became Empress Dowager, countless people would die because of her evil deeds. I couldn’t just stand by and watch that happen.”

“Most of those people have nothing to do with you, Baron Median. You could have turned a blind eye and gone on with your life. Wouldn’t that have been better than experiencing the mental anguish you’re going through now?”

Yes. That’s not wrong.

If I had left Isabella alone and let Ernst ascend to the throne, even if the system collapsed later… maybe I could have resolved it somehow by raising Demian well. That was the normal course of events, after all.

But—

“…Because this is right. Yes. This is the right thing to do.”

“Did you want to do what’s right? Even if it meant suffering?”

I’m not sure.

Still,

“…Yes. That’s what I wanted.”

“…Since when have you wanted that? Do you remember what made you want it? That feeling you had then would be the foundation of who you are now.”

…The catalyst.

Was it when I saw the massacre caused by the Werebeasts with my own eyes?

No, I wasn’t in my right mind then, driven by anger and a sense of responsibility.

When Durandal began to shine during my fight with Knut?

No, that’s not it either. That just strengthened feelings I already had; it wasn’t the fundamental starting point.

Then…

Ah. Yes.

…It could only be that time.

The day I fell into this cursed world.

The moment when I had to watch dozens, hundreds of people being slaughtered because of words I uttered without thinking.

That memory remains as a clear regret, still piercing somewhere in my heart.