Ch.230IF Side Story: Carrying On Hope

How could our connection have continued like this?

Thinking about it again, there were so many risks that could have broken us apart along the way.

Yet here we are, together.

Between us, conversation was often unnecessary.

We can’t completely read each other’s thoughts. We felt that deeply a few years ago.

But that doesn’t mean we need to know each other’s every thought to fully feel each other.

Sometimes, thoughts only breed more thoughts, creating strange misunderstandings even after hearing the story.

That’s why sometimes, the warmth of holding hands is enough to feel each other.

One week before Christmas.

The streets are already filled with Christmas spirit.

Some people might not be able to spend Christmas with their lovers, while others might treat this entire period from year’s end to the new year as a festival.

For Hayun and me, it’s a slightly different reason.

Shouldn’t Christmas be spent all together? It’s such a special day. The day before too, we should all be together.

I worried some might not like that, but these friends are all very close to each other.

Perhaps our year-end and new year will be a succession of joyful parties every day.

While we’ll make memories there together, there are also memories we can only make when we’re alone.

I stared intently at Hayun’s face.

Her cheeks were bright red from the cold temperature. White breath escaped little by little each time she exhaled.

I could feel Hayun’s hand in my left hand. I had interlocked our fingers tightly and put them together in my pocket. This part was actually a bit damp with sweat, but I had no desire to let go of her hand.

“…Jieun.”

“Yes?”

“Shouldn’t you, um, look ahead when walking?”

She’s right.

Walking while looking elsewhere is just as stupid as walking while using a smartphone.

“Even if we bump into something, we won’t get hurt badly, right?”

Hayun stopped walking at my words.

She quietly turned her gaze to look at me.

Her face was still red. It didn’t seem to be just from the cold.

Those eyes looking up at me didn’t appear angry.

No, they looked rather sad.

“…Okay. I’ll watch where I’m going.”

And those eyes were what I feared most.

I’m afraid of Hayun getting hurt. Her heart already had countless wounds, and I was responsible for a large portion of them.

If only we had tried to understand each other a little more. If only I hadn’t thrown tantrums at Hayun, we could have reconciled much faster.

…

No, perhaps even that thinking is wrong.

That’s right.

We’re here only after going through all of that.

Only after I answered like that did Hayun gently smile again.

Seeing a strange satisfaction in that smile, I realized she had made that expression deliberately.

“…”

Feeling somewhat annoyed,

“I just wanted to keep looking at you because you’re so pretty.”

I muttered while pouting.

Hayun bowed her head deeply.

“Hayun. You should look ahead when walking.”

Her hand in my pocket tightened with force. A small protest, perhaps?

It didn’t hurt.

That’s why the gesture was so lovable.

*

We went to the streets we used to walk together after a long time.

Simply put, it was the neighborhood where I used to live.

Not that we planned to go all the way to the orphanage. That place was too personal. Technically, Hayun had lived there for quite a while too, but she was just staying there temporarily.

Even without going all the way up there.

“…Ah.”

Hayun let out a small exclamation.

The bus stop where we always met every morning.

My heart would flutter whenever I met Hayun in the morning. Even though we were always together in the same class at school. Even though I would see Hayun again after school when I went to work, I strangely felt excited.

It wasn’t that I missed Hayun after not seeing her for just a few hours. I just always looked forward to going to school with her.

While waiting for the bus, and while riding it, we would talk about various things. Most were insignificant conversations that have almost completely disappeared from memory.

But the act itself remained intact in my mind. I’ll probably remember it for the rest of my life.

Among those trivial things, several particularly memorable days came together to form a memory. Like connecting stars to form a constellation, our memories were made up of these small moments strung together.

The two of us sat in the waiting area even though we weren’t going to take the bus. We were alone. Unless you lived in this town, there wasn’t much reason to come here, so there weren’t many people at this time of day. So it wouldn’t be inconsiderate.

From this bus stop, we would leave for school, and when coming back from school, we would get off on the opposite side.

The scenery looks completely different each time.

From where Hayun and I are sitting, you can see the hill where the orphanage I lived in is located. A hillside neighborhood that remains undeveloped even in this era—with no hope of development in sight.

“…I lived there.”

When I spoke, Hayun looked up at me.

“I didn’t want to tell you that I lived there.”

Hayun took a small breath.

I continued speaking while quietly looking up at the neighborhood.

“You were the kind of girl who lived in that kind of house, right? So I thought if I told you, everything would be over. A nobody. A girl with nothing to show except following you around. A girl with no reason to be with you except for accidentally meeting in childhood.”

“…Jieun.”

Hayun called me.

“I was afraid you’d leave if I told you I lived there, if I told you I had absolutely nothing. …Looking back, it was stupid. You never asked what I had, but I was anxious just looking at what you had.”

I’m not sure if this is the right conversation for a date.

But I suddenly wanted to say it.

Because now I know Hayun better than I did then.

Much better than when I thought I knew her so well.

“…Shall we get up for a moment?”

Hayun said.

I silently stood up.

We walked leisurely, waited at the crosswalk, then crossed to the other side.

We sat down there and looked ahead.

It’s another neighborhood situated on a hill. The infrastructure there isn’t much better either. I’ve gone up there a few times, but there’s barely even a decent convenience store, just one small hole-in-the-wall shop.

But because of that, that neighborhood is quiet. There were large houses with huge walls, and because there was nothing else, groups of people didn’t wander around sightseeing.

It’s a good place to live leisurely in a quiet place. It was also filled with ridiculously expensive houses.

“I lived there.”

“…”

If a stranger had heard this, they would have surely asked, “So what?”

Even I thought Hayun had everything.

“But those big houses felt like walls to me. I had never lived doing what I wanted to do in my life.”

Hayun looked at me.

“You might think I’m complaining from a position of privilege.”

“Well, it might look that way.”

At my words, Hayun pouted and poked my waist.

“…But you weren’t there.”

At Hayun’s words, I closed my mouth.

My face turned uncontrollably red.

“Yeah, thinking about it again, I don’t think it was because of dreams or anything like that. I know, money allows you to do many things. Dreams… if you just have them, you can pursue them later. After all, I wouldn’t have lacked money anyway. But, Jieun.”

Hayun looked up at me and said,

“My dream was you.”

“…”

I couldn’t say anything at all.

What should I answer to that? I know how heavy it is to say that my existence is someone’s dream.

“I never thought about what I wanted to become. I just wanted to be praised by my parents. I thought I only needed proof that they loved me.”

“…”

“But there was someone completely different… someone who liked me without any conditions. Maybe not as a lover. At that time, I didn’t think you could like me that way.”

Hayun smiled.

“So it was an impossible dream. What if I had paid you to like me? Now I know you like me, but back then, I didn’t even know I liked you that way. I just had anxiety that we might part ways someday.”

Hayun’s face came a little closer to mine.

“So, after I was certain that you liked me, I can’t tell you how happy I was.”

Hayun’s lips overlapped with mine.

A very brief, light kiss.

“How was it for you?”

“…”

I looked down at Hayun quietly, then overlapped our lips again.

As if not wanting to lose, I kissed her a little longer, a little more definitely than before, then pulled back slightly.

“It was good. I was truly happy. Because you were my hope.”

Even now.

And in the future.

You’ll be one of the reasons I continue living.

Hayun smiled broadly.

Her face looking up at me with raised eyes looked so beautiful.

“…I’m glad. Really.”

I only hope that my face, as Hayun sees it now,

Looks just as beautiful to her.