Ch.193IF Side Story: Galactic Love (18)

# Black and Dark, a Place Without End

I instinctively knew this was inside my despair.

Hope has an end. That thin white line visible in the distance was the destination.

When you reach what you thought was hope, you either find satisfaction in that faint light, or you’re not satisfied and continue forward, forward, believing that light in the distance is stronger and brighter.

But despair isn’t like that.

Despair is a bottomless pit.

Even if there is a bottom, it hardly matters. Falling from such a great height, the moment I meet that bottom, I’m simply destroyed.

My head shatters, my brain bursts.

If there’s any consolation, perhaps it’s that I die without even knowing I’ve ended up that way.

…Yet I couldn’t let go of my life. Of course not. Maybe I was just dangling at the edge of that pit of despair.

“It’s strange.”

I mumbled absently to myself.

“Am I being stubborn, or just greedy?”

The reason for moving forward when you know there’s nothing ahead is, ultimately, greed.

I know it’s not there, but I want it. I know it’s out of reach, but I want to touch it.

Those distant existences. The ones I could call hope in my life. Those I’m no longer sure if I should approach.

I slowly reached out my hand, but couldn’t see ahead. This is inside despair. The final destination of my heart, where not even a ray of hope is visible.

“…The reason I came here.”

One.

To try to save Pang Pang.

To somehow rescue Pang Pang from that situation. To prevent any more suffering.

Yes. That was the purpose.

I moved forward.

I couldn’t see anything ahead, but I could sense a pit somewhere in the distance. A humming sound. The sound of a generator running, or a truck shaking. Or perhaps the sound of despair itself.

…Or maybe it was nothing at all, and my ears were just trying to create some sound in the silence.

I didn’t know what to do after coming this far. I don’t know much about magic to begin with. I’ve just been able to use it by turning the circuit, burning my emotions as fuel.

And this is the result. I kept going thinking I might see something if I continued to the end, but here I am in despair again.

What am I trying to do here?

“…”

But, at the same time, instinctively, there was something I seemed to understand.

Originally, wishes are things you obtain by offering something in return.

Isn’t that natural? It’s like the laws of thermodynamics. Just as a fire goes out without firewood. Strong emotions are needed.

For magical girls, it’s the emotion of moving toward hope.

For me who despairs, it’s the velocity of continuously falling.

…Yes. Now I think I understand.

Why the despair circuit simply ends if you “give up.” To despair and give up ultimately means giving up on feeling anything anymore.

In the end, if you despair but don’t give up, a person moves forward. Even if it’s staggering like a zombie.

Perhaps that has the same meaning as hope.

Longing.

Yes, it was a kind of longing. Heading in completely opposite directions, yet ultimately wanting the same thing.

I didn’t care about world peace. I had no interest in executing justice to punish someone.

From the beginning, I only wanted one thing—to defeat the magical girls—and to catch up to them.

In that sense, Pang Pang might have been an obstacle.

A being that made everything else irrelevant, something that made me stagnate.

“…”

How strange. That very being should have been my hope.

In the end, the causes of my despair were all my hopes. Hayun, Jihye. And Pang Pang too.

Step.

I felt a cliff at my feet.

A perfectly vertical cliff, sharp enough to cut if you hit it.

Though no wind was blowing, a humming sound filled my ears.

Having come this far, I hesitated.

Is this really right? Should I just fall? Won’t I just die?

But, ultimately, I came here to fall.

This is my despair. The complete manifestation of it.

Only by falling endlessly can I gain strength.

In the end, I leaped forward.

The floating sensation taking over my body.

Only feeling the pull of gravity—

But it’s okay.

As long as I’m falling, there will be an answer in the end.

What does it matter if I’m a little scared? What does it matter if it’s a little painful? It was better than losing everything.

Better than never being able to fight again, losing everything.

“…Ah.”

And then, I saw it before my eyes.

What was at the end of that despair.

The direction I was falling toward.

At the very bottom of that endless abyss that I could never reach.

Something faintly glowing.

I see.

Perhaps what I’ve been looking for.

In the end, it might have been that.

The hope I thought I’d abandoned long ago.

Nestled small in the center of my despair.

I reached out toward that unreachable thing.

*

Light flows.

Though she had seen it several times before, Hayun thought it was completely different from anything she’d seen until now.

Until now, Jieun had only used black holes as a means of transportation. After moving, they would disappear cleanly as if they had never been there.

The light would quickly return to normal, and the sand and dirt that had been flying around would return to their original places.

“What is this?”

Ju-a, who had come down to assess the situation, was also shocked.

The truck had long since stopped.

The black hole moved as if trying to grab the truck, and after giving up when the accelerator wouldn’t move the vehicle forward no matter how hard it was pressed, the driver had fled in a hurry.

The black hole didn’t suck in everything. As if only Jieun could be inside it, it rejected anything that approached.

Hayun’s heart ached at the situation.

How did things end up like this?

At some point, everything had become so tangled that she wondered if it was impossible to go back.

But after finding Jieun, she hadn’t given up hope—

Just then.

From inside the black hole, a hand emerged.

The black substance of the black hole stretched like a coating over that hand.

Rather than breaking out of an egg, Jieun slowly emerged with the dark energy wrapped around her body.

Hayun’s heart raced madly.

Because she had seen this before.

Jieun now looked just like she did when she first transformed.

*

I emerged from the sticky despair.

That energy clung to me, making me dirty. Some of it stuck to various parts of my body like a new outfit.

A dress-like garment, with long gloves.

Yes. Those long black gloves seemed quite fitting for this situation.

Because between my clasped hands, something sparkled brightly.

I slowly brought it closer to me.

The most precious thing.

The reason I’ve been despairing all this time.

As long as this exists, I will continue to despair, continue to fall.

But that was fine.

No matter how much I despair, the reason I ultimately can’t give up is because I know this light is at the end.

Just falling and falling. Even if life is just endlessly falling, it was okay.

As long as there was someone I could gaze at from a distance.

The white light seeped into my chest. For a brief moment, warmth spread, but was soon covered by coldness.

My skin was like that. Pale as if drained of color.

“…”

I slowly picked up the staff with its hammer completely destroyed.

At its end was a light that shone black.

It looked like a long wand in itself.

I approached Pang Pang again.

Placing my hand on the glass tube—

“W-wait, if you open it like that now…!”

I heard a warning voice from behind, but my hand had already entered the glass tube.

The viscous liquid inside flowed out through the hole.

My left hand gently touched Pang Pang’s chest.

“…Pang Pang.”

I called to Pang Pang in a whisper.

I didn’t know what to say. It seemed like I had too many things I wanted to tell her.

But, fortunately.

I could at least remember the words I absolutely had to say.

“…Thank you.”

I said.

“And, I’m sorry.”

For not trusting you then.

For not listening to everything you had to say.

I’m sorry for just thinking about myself and running away.

I’m sorry for making you go through this.

But, still, I don’t regret it.

In the end, we were able to meet because I was this kind of person.

I was a selfish person to the end. I probably can’t help but be selfish in the future too.

That one thing, I decided to accept.

And, I should take responsibility.

I breathed my magical power into Pang Pang.

“…Cough.”

Seeing Pang Pang cough, I smiled slightly.

This would do.

I couldn’t say everything was over yet.

But for now.