Ch.191Revelation (5)

Kain was so taken aback that he couldn’t answer promptly.

“…Are you there?” Only after hearing Lily’s anxious voice did he hastily reply, “Yes, I’m here.”

Lily then recited the ritual prayer—a prayer about confessing sins committed through one’s thoughts and actions while leaning on the wings of the Two-headed Eagle.

‘Did Maria not tell Lily that I was here?’

If that was the case, Lily would think the person behind the confessional wall was an anonymous priest, not Kain. How awkward.

Like other citizens of the Empire, Kain had attended Two-headed Eagle Faith services since childhood. Moreover, having once operated undercover as a clergyman, he knew simple rituals like confession.

The problem was that he had missed his chance to say, “Liliana, it’s me. Kairos.” Because he was still flustered, Kain even realized a bit late that Lily had finished her prayer.

“I hurt my brother. It was a very long time ago.”

It was now too late. Kain resigned himself. From behind the wall, Lily calmly recited her wrongdoing.

“Like others in the White Blood Knights, I too grew up in a knight’s household. My brother tormented me from a very young age, but my father hated me and always took my brother’s side.

The household atmosphere was strict and bleak. I had no one on my side. My mother passed away when I was young, so all I received was insults and contempt.

As a child, I thought that was normal. I didn’t even know it was wrong. Only after learning to read and write, and seeing stories about other people in the library, did I realize how terrible my situation was.

So I decided to become a knight. Like the heroes in books. I dreamed of being the unwanted child who builds strength to protect herself and finally finds glory.”

Lily paused. She seemed to be catching her breath. Or perhaps she felt awkward because Kain wasn’t responding.

“I’m listening.”

Kain answered as flatly as possible. He knew such a tone sounded unnatural, but he couldn’t help it. He was thinking about how embarrassed Lily would be if she discovered it was Kain inside.

“But. I suppose stories are just stories. What I received was even greater insult and mockery.

What business does someone like you have becoming a knight? You’re too tall, too strong, and so fat you look dull—you won’t even be able to marry properly. That’s what my father and brother used to say.

That no one in the world would ever love me. I was indeed quite chubby when I was young.”

It wasn’t the right thought to have in a sacred confessional, but Kain recalled Lily’s body. There was nothing remotely fat about it.

Instead, all he had noticed were countless wounds and scars from training. ‘Didn’t she say she was beaten with a scabbard?’ That’s why she had recognized Laios’s use of a scabbard as a weapon before anyone else.

Kain’s face flushed involuntarily, and he cleared his throat. Fortunately, Lily didn’t seem to hear.

“Not wanting to be ignored, I trained harder and focused more. I didn’t avoid confrontations and desperately tried to win every challenge. I got hit a lot and it hurt, but I endured and learned how to hit back.

I was often told I was too aggressive, but I didn’t think that was bad. However, I couldn’t stand being told that blood doesn’t lie.

Of course, those instructors meant I had excellent knightly qualities like my father, but I hated it. I resented my father just as much as he hated me.

So I… I acted out even more. I wanted to be myself. Not someone’s sister or someone’s daughter, but just… I wanted people to see me for who I was. But that wasn’t something I could control.

So I said I would leave for somewhere far away. Somewhere where few people would know me, even if everyone recognized the White Blood Knights.

My father, as always, wouldn’t listen to me. Even my brother, who was already a knight, was the same. ‘We can’t send someone as dim-witted as you outside the walls. If you really want to go, defeat me first.’ My brother sneered as always, and my father took his side. As he always did.

So I formally challenged my brother to a duel, and eventually won. I was injured so badly I could barely walk, but I won nonetheless.”

“…I don’t know much about knights’ affairs, but from what I’ve heard so far, it sounds like you both agreed to the duel. Is that correct?”

“Yes, it was.”

“Then you didn’t hurt him, did you?”

It was a fair contest after all. Kain didn’t know what Lily’s situation had been like then, but given that her brother was a “knight,” he couldn’t have been that young. Since it was before she entered the academy, she must have been around fifteen or sixteen.

“…No.”

A moment of silence.

“My brother suffered a fatal injury in that duel. He fell from his horse and broke bones throughout his body. Though he was a promising knight, he lost everything in that one moment.

He can’t ride a horse, can’t even eat by himself. He falls in and out of consciousness, making normal conversation increasingly difficult, but one thing remains clear.

That I’m the reason he ended up like this. He never forgets to say that.”

“Why is that your fault…!” Kain flared up but quickly restrained himself.

“I don’t understand. Wasn’t it an injury sustained in a fair duel? That’s neither a fault nor a sin. Any reasonable person wouldn’t blame you for that. Surely you don’t feel guilty because of that?”

“No. It’s because of something else.”

“What is it?”

“Looking down at my brother collapsed on the ground, I was happy.”

Kain waited for her to continue. Lily seemed to be suppressing her emotions.

“Yes, I was happy. I didn’t care at all about my brother’s well-being. All I could think about was that I could finally leave this wretched castle.

My father cursed and threw whatever he could grab at me, and I shamelessly took those things with me when I left.

After two days, three days, four days… When I woke up in an inn in some city. Only then… did I realize what I had done.

That I had looked down at a broken person and felt happy about gaining my freedom.”

Through the confessional wall came rustling sounds. A low sigh and some sniffling could be heard. But her voice remained composed. At least, she seemed to be trying to stay composed.

“I tried to escape. I worked really hard not to return to this wretched castle. I was often ridiculed for being oblivious, stupid, and dull, but still… I tried somehow to live.

But… when I came to my senses. In the end, I was back here again. It clings to my ankle like shackles and won’t let me go. I hate this place. But this place won’t let me go. And my brother… my brother…”

Lily’s voice wavered. She seemed unable to control it. Kain bowed his head and responded.

“I’m listening.”

“I resent him. I resent him so much I want to kill him. Now I don’t even know if I’m truly wronged or if I’m the one who did wrong.

When I feel like I can’t take it anymore, I train my body hard, but when I come to my senses, I find myself standing blankly in front of a window in a tower where the wind blows.”

“Isn’t there a way for you to escape?”

Kain asked carefully.

“I’m afraid of leaving and returning to the same place. Just experiencing it once felt like my soul was being crushed, and I don’t want to go through it again. I don’t think I could bear it. I’m… scared.”

“What are you so afraid of?”

“I fear the sense of helplessness.”

Another moment of silence descended.

“The helplessness of not being able to do anything, the feeling that nothing will change no matter what I do, the emptiness of knowing all efforts are meaningless… it leaves me hollow.

Now I don’t even know what to do or how to do it. How much better do I need to be? Why is a normal, happy life, something that seems so easy for others, so distant and difficult for me? I just don’t understand.

I really, really try… I try until I could die. Why can’t I escape?”

Kain pondered what to say. He could tell her that it was actually him behind this thin wall, and that they could leave together right now if she wanted. If he could, he would have done so immediately. And he would do so.

But not today.

“You’ve tried hard.”

That was all Kain could say. Lily didn’t answer. So Kain spoke once more.

“You really have been through a lot…”

“…Does God turn away from me?”

“I’m not sure if this is the right thing to say.”

Kain unconsciously recalled something he had heard at the academy. It must have been in a geography class. The professor was very old, but had eyes like a child’s, which Kain had found peculiar.

“Volcanoes sleep for a very long time. Trees grow into forests, puddles collect rainwater to become lakes, isolated houses become villages, and villages become cities—all while the volcano quietly sleeps.

In fact, magma is boiling underneath. They say the longer it accumulates, the more erupts.

But God knew that such disasters would make everyone unhappy if they struck without warning. That’s why He provided signs. Things like the ground shaking regularly, animals fleeing for no reason, or insects living in the ground crawling out to escape—such signs.

It would feel good if everything worked out exactly as you wanted, when you wanted it. But I think this way: if you’ve worked that hard for what you want, something big must be coming.

Something bigger than you realize, something slow but irreversibly enormous.

You said you tried hard. Was there really no change at all?”

Lily answered without hesitation.

“There was.”

“What was it?”

“I met someone I wanted to love, and someone who loved me. I met many good people, and though I saw some annoying ones too, I also met many interesting people. There were many difficult days and hardships, but still… that time was worthwhile. But now, I don’t know anymore.”

Without realizing it, Kain placed his hand on the curtain. It was his left hand, not his injured right. If the cloth had been thinner and more transparent, Lily might have noticed something strange. But fortunately, the cloth was thick, rough, and dark in color. With a sense of regret, Kain pulled his hand back.

“You said you wanted to be happy. Is that still true?”

“…Yes.”

“Then give yourself more chances. Once, twice, again and again. You deserve that chance.”

Through the wall, Kain could sense Lily’s hesitation.