Ch.18561. Extremely Selfish Self-Righteousness

I walk across the faded desert.

Walking and walking, she suddenly stops for some reason and inexplicably looks up at the sky.

The sunlight was truly blinding.

Enough to make her eyes close involuntarily.

The impression etched in her heart was surprisingly simple.

The world is just, immensely white.

Pale.

Was the sky always this pure white?

Step by step, she moves forward.

Yet the world still remains infinitely distant.

Where am I heading?

Where should I go?

Is this the right path?

Hardship is nothing compared to pain.

Even the scorching heat, even the beating sunlight—compared to the pain that crushes and grinds her entire body, they truly were nothing.

……Father.

I am a weak and inadequate child, so perhaps this is as far as I go.

I’ve always thought ahead, arranging even my own death for the nation’s benefit.

But we were greatly mistaken.

We are already riding the will and tide of the world.

Whether we want it or not, the Empire will enjoy its golden age and gradually expand its power.

Destiny is like a grand flow that the world imposes on each individual.

Me, Kariel, you Father and Mother.

In the end, we’ll all be swept away by that current.

If that flow aligns with one’s will and intentions… that’s excellent. A good thing.

But I firmly oppose it.

Where did things go wrong?

Was it when a sage prophesied that I would surely die if I went as a hostage?

Or was it after learning that if I died, Kariel would embrace my grudge and burn the world in the name of God and divine will?

By the time I knew, it was already far too late. Even if I had known, would I truly have had a choice?

When I realized, he was already traveling to foreign countries in my place.

Meanwhile, I was helplessly unable to do anything, using my youth as an excuse.

No matter how hard I tried, I was still young and knew little of the world.

I’ve always thought this stemmed from my weakness.

I respected you who saved others, but I had to struggle daily to suppress my resentment when I saw you compromising, refusing to harm others despite your great power.

Because you were surely right.

Our feelings like these are undoubtedly impious and evil.

Then why do you forgive the evil that they commit? Are they more precious to you?

After thinking and agonizing like this, I suddenly realized.

Perhaps in a world where I died, Kariel reached such a conclusion and drew his sword himself.

Was that why?

One day I saw it in a dream.

Kariel leading the Empire, trampling across the continent, laughing atop corpses.

He was always dignified, intelligent, and profound.

More than that, he knew the gloomy and dark aspects of the world well.

He tried not to reveal such inner thoughts whether he was with us or elsewhere.

At such a young age.

Perhaps I was the only one who noticed this, as I was in a similar situation.

In a world without me, when he willingly gave up following in his noble father’s footsteps and voluntarily began walking the path of revenge.

How the world would have changed.

And only later did I learn.

Father, Mother.

That you knew this too.

Even Lord Rueld and Lady Ermina knew.

But that was a future that would never come to pass.

Because I was still alive.

Now if only Kariel survives, everything will be fine, right?

But if something happens to him.

Would I then have to burn the entire world using his revenge as a pretext?

Such worries were unfounded, it seems.

I heard news that Kariel was showing brilliance in resolving many issues while traveling between countries.

I was filled with hope.

…But when he returned unexpectedly, I sensed something had gone terribly wrong.

When I rushed to see him after hearing the news, he was lying like a corpse.

And he remained unconscious for a long time.

Seeing that, I was confused for a while.

Wondering where things had gone wrong.

Everything felt like my fault.

And still, I was young and slow to judge.

In the end, to protect him and our Empire.

And to maintain what Father and Mother had wished for.

Yes. I had to make a decision.

I needed power.

The power to burn the world at any moment, even if I didn’t intend to.

Still, until then, I didn’t know.

I could only see myself as pushed by circumstances.

That even my determination and beliefs were all a life and path led by the world’s will and the shackles of fate.

But did the Heavens, did the Lord want to use Kariel in a different way?

Why couldn’t I embrace him?

I loved him.

But I somehow forgot what love felt like.

I loved him.

But my heart never raced when I looked at him, not once after I gained power.

So I thought my love for him was false and deceptive.

Fortunately, there were many around him who liked him.

I believed they could provide the comfort, consideration, and encouragement that I couldn’t.

……I never imagined I would be betrayed there.

Again, where did things go wrong?

He grew because he was compared to me.

He always cast resentful and hateful glances at me, his point of comparison.

But he never gave up dealing with me.

So for his sake, I thought my duty at the time was to endure as his competitor and trial.

……That’s what I thought.

At some point, he gave up opposing me.

I thought it was just a temporary phase of wandering.

……But months quickly passed as I was caught up in various matters.

When I finally looked closely… something had changed.

No. Much earlier… Yes. When he was ostracized and humiliated… that was probably the biggest issue.

It happened when I wasn’t there, so it took quite some time to grasp the full situation.

Still, everyone, including myself, seemed to believe in his abilities.

…It seems it took far too long to realize it was all a misconception.

In this way, while we wasted time.

The situation continued to worsen.

But for Kariel, this became another background for growth, a motivation, and a reason to struggle.

That’s right.

…This was the guidance of the Heavens, the Lord we know.

Even in our foolish struggles, an invisible, irresistible hand was at work.

The judgments we thought were best at the time were a series of flimsy and foolish decisions, as if shrouded in fog.

I only vaguely realized this after everything had passed.

What truly was the problem?

I didn’t dismiss my questions carelessly but kept digging deeper.

That the world’s will was imposing its desired roles on us in the name of fate and destiny.

…I think I realized it around then.

Far too late, but still.

Though positioned to inherit half the world, I was just a helpless girl who could do nothing.

Yes. That was my situation.

When the world, when God… wanted it that way, what could someone like me have done?

It was a miracle I even found out… so what changes after that?

Rather, knowing only made me more frustrated and desperate.

…

Still.

I won’t give up.

This is what I learned from Father, Mother.

And from others.

No matter what adversity comes, don’t give up on what you want to do. Don’t back down.

The enemy, the fear is always within me.

It was always by my side.

…

Kariel.

I wasn’t good with my hands… no, saying this thoughtlessly would only infuriate you.

But just in case, since you might join the knighthood after graduation.

So, with my lacking skills, I tried making the uniform of the knighthood you might join.

At first I had to learn because I lacked skill, but as I stitched one stitch at a time, I eventually got the hang of it.

And besides that… yes. Besides that there was something else.

Ah, what was it?

Oh, right. If not a knight, perhaps as you once said, a herald. Yes. In case you wanted to become a herald, I prepared something for that too… I think.

Since working in the palace might have been difficult for you, you might have turned your attention to outside affairs or merchant guilds.

Or you might have sought other adventures.

Considering that… I think I prepared many things.

……I can’t remember anymore.

I’ve only offered my emotions, but it seems emotions greatly influence memory recall.

I offered my feelings of love for you.

But now that’s not enough.

So I decided to offer a little more.

One by one. One by one.

And before I knew it, the basket that had been full became empty.

My emotions.

All emotions.

Eventually fear, resentment, anxiety, despair, joy, fulfillment.

Nothing.

I should have deemed that demon lord who led you to the world worthy of death.

But now, I calmly think that was for the best.

At that time, that being was probably your only ally.

Even if they intended to use you for their own purposes.

You were hopelessly drawn to their faint interest and affection, and the small hope they showed you.

…But even this was the world’s unknown will.

See how immediately it intervened when I decided to embrace you? How urgently it drove you outside the system?

After leaving you alone all this time, it does this when I try to hold you.

It’s nothing but the world, the heavens trying to separate us.

So, I deeply resented the world, the heavens, the Lord.

But now, even that is gone.

All that remains for me now is duty and responsibility. Responsibility.

And the vow, the wish that my past self entrusted to my present self.

If I lose these too.

I will no longer be able to move or think.

Yes. I just remembered.

Heba was a liar.

Threatening to take my body, intimidating me.

In reality, it wasn’t like that.

I believed even that was a possibility.

Rather, they thought such threats would drive me to act desperately.

Truly, they didn’t know me at all.

For you or for the world, as long as the intention wasn’t evil, I would have readily given this body.

…

Who have I been talking to all this time?

What can I do in the middle of this desert?

All that remains is pain.

Though bearing this has been extremely difficult.

For some unknown reason, I cannot easily let it go.

“Ah….”

Suddenly.

A scene I seemed to have forgotten appeared before my eyes.

It looked like a mirage created by the desert.

A hill.

A large tree.

Green meadows.

Somehow nostalgic.

Clumsy and faint, but still.

“Then, can’t I become a hero?”

There.

My younger self, my extremely childish self, asked the boy such a question with a gloomy expression.

Was that why?

The boy handed me the branch he was holding.

And said this.

“Then I’ll give you this.”

“……?”

The next words.

The words you said to me.

Yes. I remember.

That was another salvation for me.

“Now you’re a hero too!”

……Kariel.

Yes, I wanted to be a hero who saves everyone.

But a world with heroes is a world steeped in sorrow.

I had forgotten at some point.

As time passed, I came to pursue a world without heroes rather than one with them.

However.

Even so.

Now you’re a hero too!

Those words you said to me, how much, how much they meant to me…

“……”

The pain crushing my body, the hardship.

After all, it’s only temporary.

No. Let’s try a different approach.

Clinging to life has been the mistake.

Thinking about it now, I am not cut out to bear this.

So, let’s try a different method.

Even if the time given is not much.

‘A bet with destiny.’

Whether I can run all the way to the end.

Whether I can reach the final destination.

‘Is it a match?’

Yes. Let’s do it.

A match with destiny.

…It’ll be fun.

Before this body falls lifelessly in monochrome.

If I can prevent the curse I bear from being returned to them.

And.

If I can save Kariel who needs my help.

That would be my victory.

‘So don’t refuse.’

Fate. Destiny.

As I have seen you.

Now, it’s your turn to look at me.

What I want is nothing else.

Nothing grand or magnificent.

Only. My satisfaction.

Though it’s all forgotten and faded vows now.

That’s enough.

The rest… yes. If the opportunity comes, let’s try hard to think about it later.

I’m not sure.

……But when the time comes, things will work out somehow.