Ch.1818. A Change of Mood.

# 18. A Change of Mood

“Thick socks, heat packs, and masks… I already have them all, but you can never have enough of these consumables.”

Though I’d decided to conserve my energy at the train station until the weather cleared, I had no intention of just staying cooped up in my room doing nothing.

As I told the drone earlier, the bags left behind by people who tried to leave the city were like treasure chests to me, and there were dozens, even hundreds of them scattered on the floor.

Just like a pirate who discovers a treasure island has no choice but to go ashore, I had no choice but to wander around.

“My goodness, these boots fit perfectly! And they’re in great condition too. All the boots I’ve found until now either had soles falling off or were slightly the wrong size, so I couldn’t wear them. Could this be a gift from heaven for my journey?”

Everything here belonged to dead people who desperately gathered these items despite their difficult circumstances.

Remembering that fact makes my heart ache even as I feel joy each time I pick up an item or piece of clothing.

But in this city where no one is left to use these things…

Rather than letting them remain here forever, buried under snow and buildings, forgotten and disappearing without meaning, wouldn’t it be better if I, the only one alive, used them on my journey to find other survivors?

“Wow, this really feels like being in a huge shopping mall. The only difference is that this mall has exactly what I need, right when I need it.”

With such shallow comfort, the more I abandon my humanity, the thicker and more abundant my clothes and bags become.

I suppose I have no right to criticize someone who clutches a weapon out of desire for others’ food or possessions… I’m not so different.

I forcibly remove gloves from what appears to be a girl about my age.

The new gloves fit surprisingly well after I take off my tattered ones.

“…I’m lucky.”

The words “I’m lucky” reflexively escaped my lips at the perfectly fitting, warm, and sturdy gloves—

—and simultaneously, I felt a strong urge to smoke.

Like setting a counter-fire to save a forest that’s beginning to burn.

I needed something intensely hot and acrid to calm my heart that was beginning to smolder again.

“Haaah…”

I stepped outside the train station to clear my head and put a cigarette in my mouth.

I lit it with the torch I always keep in my coat pocket, just like the cigarettes, and exhaled a cloud of gray smoke.

[You have a new message.]

Somehow one cigarette wasn’t enough to calm me down, so I crouched down and smoked several more in succession.

Just then, a notification for a new message appeared, so I opened the message window for a change of mood.

[I wonder how it feels to live among the traces left by the dead. I can’t even imagine it. I don’t even want to imagine it.]

…And whether by coincidence or not, the messages that usually contained nothing but nonsense had, for once, arrived with words that perfectly matched my state.

“Until just now, they were busy teasing me with things like ‘What’s Maximus?’ or ‘Is your thigh okay now?’… What’s going on?”

Of course, this message wasn’t sent after seeing me with a cigarette in my mouth.

It’s just that I’ve always been living on the traces left by dead people.

Like the truth that “humans eventually die,” it’s a statement that wouldn’t feel out of place for me regardless of when or in what situation it was sent.

Thinking that they said something that perfectly matches my current state is just an illusion.

Still… it felt like we had proper communication for the first time after our conversations had been so disconnected, and my sunken mood improved a little.

“Feelings… The emotions I’ve experienced here are so complex that even if I tried to express them in words, they wouldn’t be fully conveyed.”

People are so subjective that we’ve created dozens, hundreds of words to express subjective states and share them with each other.

Yet, as the saying goes, “a picture is worth a thousand words,” there are too many sensations that cannot be conveyed through language.

“So look at my expression… look at me. Then you’ll know how I’ve been living here and how grateful I am to have found you.”

So I looked directly at the drone’s camera.

I showed myself, a living person, just as I am to whoever might be on the other side.

The person who casually looted belongings and corpses, the person who crouched down smoking cigarettes in frustration at the suffocating reality.

Surprisingly, the person who laughed and cried at mere one or two-line messages was one and the same.

I wonder what you think when you see me like this.

You might have many thoughts, but for now… I hope you sympathize with me.

“Sigh, I’ll just rummage through bags until it gets dark… Tonight I need a change of mood. I feel like I’m going crazy spending days in one place just searching through bags and corpses.”

I extinguished the cigarette I was smoking with my heel and threw the collected butts into a trash can.

The cigarette I’d hoped would be strong was merely bitter.

“Alright! Today the wind isn’t as harsh as I thought, and the surroundings are clean.”

As I told people a few hours ago, I searched for useful items and then, as evening fell, I went outside the city with a few things for a change of mood.

“A shovel and an empty de-icing bin of suitable size. A Bible lying around, dry clothes and a wallet. Finally, a large pot and plastic wrap… Absolutely perfect.”

There aren’t many things that can lift your spirits in a world like this.

Usually, it’s just smoking cigarettes like earlier or doodling on paper while dreaming of a hopeful future.

There’s also the option of giving in to primal destructive instincts and kicking everything in sight to relieve stress.

But even in a world like this, I don’t want to make violence or destruction a habit, so I’ve only thought about it but never actually done it.

I do occasionally break open doors or smash things with a fire axe… but that’s not for mood improvement—it’s because it’s necessary, so it’s a different story.

“You might be thinking, looking at the items I struggled to carry: ‘A de-icing bin? Shovel? Clothes? How can those possibly improve your mood?'”

The items I brought from the train station have very specific conventional uses.

So people living in a normal world would likely find my words and actions puzzling.

At most, they might think I’m planning to build a snowman and dress it up?

“Since we’re here, try to guess what I’m planning to do with these items while I prepare for my mood improvement. It’s quiz time during the intermission. I don’t have any prizes to give as the quiz creator, but… it’s fun, right?”

Anyway, back to what I was saying—there aren’t many things in this world that can lift your spirits.

There aren’t many things to play with… and no one to play with either.

But in situations like this, when I have the necessary items and space prepared.

There’s exactly one thing I can enjoy by myself that isn’t violent.

That is—a bath.

First, I use the shovel that was in the de-icing bin to scoop away snow from the ground to create an empty space.

In that empty space, I pile up numerous bills, the Bible, and dry clothes I found at the station entrance, and place a large pot in the center.

Then I fill the pot with the abundant snow around me and light the fuel I’ve gathered with my gas torch.

“Normally it’s safer and better to elevate the pot a bit… but I can’t help it since the ground is asphalt.”

The snow quickly melts into water in the flames that rise almost frighteningly, and it boils in no time.

Once the water starts boiling, I use a helmet I picked up earlier when I went out to smoke to scoop water into the empty de-icing bin.

Since it’s so cold that the water would cool quickly if left alone, I immediately cover the bin, including the lid, with thick, large plastic wrap as soon as I pour the water in.

“The temperature seems about right… Time to get in!”

Once the water has filled to a certain level, I remove the plastic wrap and start taking off my clothes.

I start with the heavy, time-consuming items like gloves, coat, and boots.

Then I quickly take off everything else I’m wearing, including underwear, placing them on top of my bag.

Before the cold hits me, I quickly immerse myself in the hot water.

“Ahhhhh…”

Starting with my feet, which have endured the most hardship, gradually my entire body’s skin heats up and tingles.

The warmth penetrating deep into my body and the sensation of my numbed senses slowly returning… it felt better than anything else.

“Whew… Nothing beats this for improving your mood. The only problem is how difficult it is to do normally.”

I exhale excitedly and look up at the sky.

Even the snow, which usually fills me with nothing but dread, looked quite beautiful now, probably because my body was warm.

“…Come to think of it, I didn’t turn off the drone.”

Among the quietly falling snow was the drone, emitting a soft blue light.

Despite talking to people the whole time, why didn’t I think about turning off the drone before bathing?

My reason must have been numbed by the cold as well.

“You… didn’t see, right? I’ll believe you didn’t see.”

Whether by coincidence or not, the drone was some distance away from me, filming the sky or large buildings.

I might have been captured on camera a few times as it moved around, but the distance was considerable, so I probably wasn’t clearly visible.

Even if I was seen… it’s still better than when I was a man, showing myself whimpering while stretching my leg muscles, falling off chairs, or rolling on the floor.

“But it’s really strange. Usually, this thing comes close to film whenever I do something weird, but at times like this, it’s always far away.”

I never gave any instructions with the controller… Could it be programmed to avoid filming such situations?

“Anyone would think a person is controlling it.”

Of course, that couldn’t be the case.