Ch.170Chapter 170: Nightmare, Regret, Apology, and Questions

I walk.

Just walking.

When I came to my senses, I was trudging through this space shrouded in darkness.

No matter how much I looked around, I was determined to escape this space covered in nothing but darkness.

However, no matter how much I kept walking, escaping this darkness remained a distant goal.

Even as I walked and walked, all that met my eyes was darkness.

An exit or anything else.

One would need at least some light to identify such things, wouldn’t they?

But no matter how far I went, not even a single ray of light penetrated this pitch-black darkness.

Like this, it reminds me of ‘that place’ that accompanied the darkest moment of my life.

“Heh…”

Realizing this, I felt a bitter smile involuntarily escape my lips, twisting my mouth in a strange way.

It was a bitter smile that couldn’t help but emerge.

I should have forgotten by now.

Yet whenever I face a dark place,

I habitually recall ‘that place’ again.

How could I not wear this bitter smile tinged with self-mockery?

When I escape this place,

I’ll have to try not to show such self-deprecation.

With that thought in mind,

I continued my steps without pause, trying to escape the darkness.

By the way… why am I here?

Clearly, I was enjoying the atmosphere of travel on the train,

Having a good time with the people around me.

Why am I suddenly wandering in a place like this?

I don’t know.

No matter how much I think about it, I don’t know.

How I came to this place.

What I was doing right before coming here.

Without stopping my steps,

I keep thinking while moving diligently.

But I only knew that my meager brain lacked the ability to solve even the questions arising in my mind.

Everything is full of questions.

Starting with why I’m here, as I mentioned earlier.

Where this place is.

Why it’s so pitch dark.

And whether other people might also be in this darkness.

Whether they are safe now.

Thoughts that began as questions only led to deep worries.

Are they all… safe?

-Sob.

…What’s that sound?

-Hic.

It sounds like crying?

-Huaaaa….

….

Though I still couldn’t see any light to dispel the darkness covering my vision,

My steps searching for light headed toward where the sobbing sounds were coming from.

The sound reached my ears as if muffled.

I wasn’t sure whose crying it was,

But it was certainly such a sorrowful cry that I instinctively wanted to comfort them.

Is it someone else buried in this darkness besides me?

If so, I should hurry and help them.

Thinking that, as I took a step toward the source of the sound,

-Aaaaaaah…!!!

The intensity of the wailing, almost a scream, grew stronger.

Since I was wandering in darkness where I couldn’t see even an inch ahead,

I had to be careful with each step I took.

Tap-tap-tap-!!

But my steps, having heard the scream, forgot even this basic fact,

And moved forward endlessly.

-Uuuuuuuuuh…!!

This raw, unrefined sound that couldn’t be called language, digging into my ears,

Made my steps this hurried.

Fortunately,

Despite continuing such disorderly steps while wandering through the invisible darkness,

I didn’t trip over anything,

And I seemed to have caught the right direction.

-Uaaaah!!!

I could tell that this scream shaking the darkness was clearly digging into my ears.

As the sound became clearer,

My reason and instinct achieved a remarkable unity.

Run faster.

Before that crying subsides.

And,

Approach the person crying in that distant place,

“Shizu!!”

Calling out their name with all my might,

Embrace them tightly with both arms.

After identifying the voice reaching my ears,

My reason and instinct had achieved such unity.

The feeling of helplessness and frustration I first felt,

When falling into this unknown place for no reason,

Changed to urgency in an instant.

#

Toward where the crying sound was coming from,

How many steps had I taken?

It was an action performed by an almost instinctual method of heading in the direction where the sound was clear.

But as if to show that this was the right answer after all,

In this space covered only in darkness that had been surprisingly dark,

I finally encountered a space that could be called light, though it was faint.

And looking at the center of that space where the light flickered,

As I recognized whose voice it was,

I could faintly see the figure of the one I had been searching for so desperately.

No matter how far away I might be looking from,

It was the figure of the person most precious to me, impossible not to recognize.

The beautiful golden hair, like a golden stream rippling, was hanging limply.

-Uh… uhic! Hic!

Making crying sounds that had gone beyond screams to wailing, perhaps from exhaustion,

As if kneeling and sitting down,

Only the hair was visible.

And after taking a few more steps from there,

For some reason,

On your hair, which needed no other description than “pretty,”

I saw something caked on it.

What is… that?

Could it be…

The question was quickly answered.

Thanks to the image becoming clearer with each step I took,

I realized now that what was on your hair was blood.

My already hurried steps

Could only accelerate to the point of breathlessness.

Why wouldn’t they?

Just seeing a precious person crying so sorrowfully

Was enough to make my heart feel torn into a thousand, ten thousand pieces.

Now, having confirmed the state revealed by the hair,

How could I spare any attention for my own breathing?

Even as I continued my steps, I couldn’t help but deepen my thoughts.

Despite not sparing my body for what I now take for granted,

There was once a time when I didn’t have to run like this to the point of breathlessness,

When I had the opportunity to comfort you crying right in front of me,

But with my vision blurred by the unwarranted emotion of inferiority,

I heartlessly left your side as you cried profusely.

What happened in that time frame, which now only I remember,

Has unfortunately surfaced while I’m continuing these steps.

Is it because I’m out of breath?

If not that,

Is it because the guilty memory branded like a fire mark in my mind

Is pricking my heart?

“…Ugh!”

A faint groan involuntarily escaped my lips.

Pain.

Yes, this was pain.

Though I couldn’t identify the exact cause,

Seeing how it kept pricking a corner of my heart,

It was indeed pain.

The more steps I took,

The pain constricting my chest

Was intense enough to rank among the strongest pains I’d ever felt in my life.

Unlike now, when I’m living after turning back time,

When I lived a life that was the epitome of wretchedness,

There were times when a well-honed blade cut into my flesh,

And times when I was butchered by sharp words that couldn’t even be compared to such blades,

But the pain I’m feeling now was so severe it treated those past pains as trivial.

The instinct and reason that were finally achieving unity

Were advising me to stop momentarily to catch my breath and manage the pain.

But what could I do?

Despite this hard-won unity,

The reason controlling my body, even in this situation,

Ignored the survival-prioritizing instinct,

Not caring for the breath that seemed about to break,

“Shizu!!”

From my mouth, which was struggling even to catch its breath, the name of my precious person rang out loudly,

And my steps, which seemed to have reached their limit, moved even faster.

If someone were to see me like this,

They might point fingers at me as a foolish person who neglects even caring for their own body,

But I don’t mind.

Even if the end of these endlessly continued steps

Is a conclusion where my breath ceases,

That’s better than not being able to comfort you crying sorrowfully in my sight.

This is a punishment I impose on myself.

Having arms,

Having a mouth that can speak,

Yet a punishment I impose on my past self who heartlessly left you crying as if the world was collapsing.

As I pushed myself to the limit like that and continued my steps,

I was finally able to reach my destination.

To the place where Shizu, who hadn’t responded to my calls no matter how desperately I called her name, was.

With the thought that this should be enough,

“Shizu!!”

I called you with a voice much louder than I had been calling until now,

But your head, which was deeply bowed, did not lift.

It was strange.

If I called this loudly, you would stop crying and lift your head to look at me.

I believed you would show such a face, with tears welling up in both eyes,

While your lips formed a peculiar smile as you welcomed me.

Despite the loud footsteps from my hurried approach and,

“Shizu!!”

Once more calling your name desperately right in front of you,

“Huaaaaaaaa!!”

Shizu continued her wailing without stopping, with her head deeply bowed.

As if my voice hadn’t reached her at all.

For some reason,

It seemed difficult to calm Shizu with just words.

Then I should use that.

Without even time to catch my breath from rushing here,

To immediately execute what I had in mind,

I narrowed the distance with Shizu a bit more,

And carefully extended both arms.

It was an obvious action.

But it was just as certain,

And it was what I wanted to do.

Now that my desperate voice wasn’t reaching you,

To comfort you who is crying,

I need to convey warmth to fill your body and heart that have become empty from crying.

If I do this, you’ll stop crying and snuggle into my embrace, right?

You’ll say thank you for comforting me and feel at ease, right?

No, honestly, I don’t need to hear such words.

Even without any expression of gratitude,

If at least you who are crying

Can feel my body heat and warm your cold body,

That alone would be enough.

While slowly extending both arms,

All sorts of thoughts swirled in my mind,

But as if betraying my expectations,

“…Huh?”

My arms didn’t reach you who were crying.

No, it’s not that they didn’t reach.

They just passed through you emptily.

As if my arms didn’t exist in this space.

The moment this series of nonsensical scenes was reproduced through my eyes,

I finally realized.

“I… I…”

This space where your screams, digging into my ears, reverberate,

Was not just an illusion,

But a place so familiar that I could check it anytime without going through cumbersome procedures like indexing in a library of memories.

This place is the Obsidian Palace.

In an area where intense volcanic eruptions continued,

A sinister space holding twisted beauty, built by processing naturally formed obsidian with the power of twisted divinity.

And as I identified the identity of this space, I simultaneously realized something else.

Now,

The Shizu wailing before my eyes,

Was not the Shizu by my side living in the ‘present’,

But the Shizu from the ‘past’ that now only I remember.

Not the current Shizu who warmed my heart with greater affection

When I offered a small kindness mixed with love and guilt,

But the Shizu who once said that what she regretted most was having warm feelings while looking at me.

Once I realized this,

I began to notice the differences bit by bit.

Unlike ‘now’s’ you, who seems a bit youthful even for your age,

The you before my eyes, even though only your hair is visible with your head deeply bowed,

Through the shabbiness felt as dried, scabbed blood stuck to your hair,

Had endured all the harsh winds of the world alone.

My breathing, which had been rapid from the fierce steps until just now,

Was becoming rapid from fear.

My voice,

My body heat,

In a situation where none of these reached you,

If by chance you lifted your head,

And our eyes met,

If you recognized me,

With eyes colder than the pure white blade of the holy sword,

Because of such trivial thoughts like whether you might spew hostility at me,

My breathing and overall physique shrank from fear.

“Hehehe…”

It was just laughable.

The fact that I feared that was truly ridiculous.

Why am I afraid of this?

Even if by chance she lifted her head and recognized me,

And rushed at me as if to kill me again, drawing the holy sword,

I should rather accept it willingly,

Given that I once abandoned you crying like this

Because of the selfish inferiority complex in my heart.

Yet I, lacking conscience, was shrinking from fear of just that.

“…”

I’m speechless.

I want to offer some words of apology to the woman before me now,

But my lips wouldn’t move.

Even if she couldn’t hear me,

I want to say at least one word of apology,

But this mouth, which usually opens well,

Wouldn’t open today of all days.

So I was about to pour out endless resentment toward my mouth,

“…”

But as my gaze, which had been focused only on you, expanded to the surroundings,

Something was entering my eyes.

It was ash left after burning.

The minimal trace that something had existed in this world before being defeated by the radiance of the holy sword.

That was all it was, but

Strangely, the moment I saw that ash,

My gaze couldn’t help but fix on it.

“No way…”

The words that finally opened from my lips were denial.

As if trying to define this entire scene unfolding before my eyes as a lie.

“That can’t be. Why are you crying looking at this…”

I could only mutter weakly.

How could I not react this way?

The ash scattered not far from where you are crying.

That’s the ash left after I died.

In this reality, which is strangely indistinguishable between nightmare and illusion,

The wailing of the hero who lost her smile because of me

Was giving me only sadness, regret, and

Doubt.

-…I.

Why are you…?

Looking at the traces of someone… you hated so much…

-…up.

Why are you crying… as if you’ve lost the whole world?

Before the unresolved question could be engraved in my heart,

-Kal. We’ve arrived, so let’s get up.

A refreshing voice ringing in my ears,

“…Mmm.”

Was pulling me back to reality.

Just as my sunken consciousness was about to resurface,

What I saw in my eyes were two small lights twinkling amidst the ashes.

What… could those be?

The question couldn’t continue further.