Ch.164Heart (6)

*

In this world where so much has already vanished, and everything that remains is terribly broken.

I, Alice Goldfield, was also waiting to disappear in my broken state.

In truth, I didn’t feel much emotion about the fact that I was dying.

This old heart that ignites my emotions and spews divine power in return.

I was the only one who survived with this thing attached to me, but even I could only muster a dry sentiment that I was ultimately just another victim of this bizarre experiment.

Besides, when my heart wasn’t boiling with rage and was calmly functioning, in those rare moments of tranquility, thinking coldly, I had no particular reason to regret death.

The Order had collapsed along with this world, my family had all died and returned to the Goddess’s side, and even my fiancé in name only had found a new partner—all human connections worth lingering for had disappeared.

Moreover, since receiving this heart, I had lived spewing out burning rage along with divine power.

I personally captured those who committed acts that made my teeth grind just by looking at them, punishing them in horrific ways that no religion or law would permit, and I exterminated the shameless bastards who trampled our family, wiping out even their innocent children.

Yet I never once felt regret or guilt.

When inflicting harsh punishment on evildoers, I always felt a refreshing sense of accomplishment, and eliminating the children of villains who had fattened themselves while starving others’ children was always satisfying.

Some might think it excessive, but I couldn’t dislike those rain-like emotions that cooled the hellish rage heating my brain.

For me, who had no lingering attachments or precious things to leave behind, the only remaining tasks were the Demon King’s head.

And killing Balder Staff.

That’s why I pretended to reluctantly join Ash’s proposal.

While making proper preparations.

Even if my heart exploded during this journey, causing me to fall behind or die, it didn’t matter.

I moved forward for my mission until the end, and I had no regrets about such a life.

…Until now.

*

Though clumsy and noisy, the sight of Ash defeating two giant monsters by himself was enough to heat my chest.

As he collapsed in satisfaction, the furrowed brow from the pain of burns on his palm that he had carelessly placed on the ground gave off a decadent beauty with awkward charm.

Ash.

Maria’s younger brother.

A fragment of my regret and a memory of my younger days.

And my only lingering attachment and desire.

Damn this heart,

I resented my heart for its noisy creaking, so indiscreet that I worried Ash might hear it.

The fortunate thing was that Ash was quite dull.

He wasn’t sensitive enough to hear the clanking sound trapped in my thick breastplate.

While having dull ears that sometimes convey more information than eyes can be a fatal weakness for a warrior or adventurer, right now I was incredibly grateful for Ash’s insensitive hearing.

Hot heat surged from my chest to the tip of my chin, but I deliberately ignored it and grabbed Ash’s hand, which was a mess from the burns.

“Ouch, it hurts, Noona.”

Despite the terrible burns, Ash’s palm that I grabbed for treatment was incredibly soft.

His long, slender fingers with cute little protruding bones were adorable.

The way Ash awkwardly smiled and made excuses in response to my nagging, which I was using to try to hide my uncontrollable heat and emotions, was also insanely cute.

Ah. Damn it.

My already very hot heart burned even more intensely, as if coal had been thrown in.

I feel like I’m going to die.

It feels like my heart might burst at any moment.

Fortunately, amid the misfortune, my frantically working heart was spewing divine power everywhere, so just placing my palm on Ash’s burn was enough.

“There, it doesn’t hurt anymore, right?”

“Hehe, with Noona here, I felt safe enough to push myself.”

Thump thump thump.

Ah,

Please, you damn heart.

Have some awareness.

I shouted in my mind, almost pleadingly, unlike my usual self.

Of course, this piece of junk has never once moved according to my intentions.

Ah, Ash.

Do you have any idea how sweet and seductive those words are—that you trusted me and pushed yourself?

You were such a naive and innocent kid when you were little,

When did that little rascal who used to put lizards on my back and run away become such a terrible man who captivates women?

“…”

I know.

That I have no chance.

That physically, I have no future to spend with him.

That although it’s a flaw that he chose someone like Sylvia, the best I can do is not confuse Ash, who will be with the person he loves—someone he chose himself rather than through a political marriage.

I knew it all.

That’s why I tried to explain to Ash once more.

You shouldn’t rely on me.

You shouldn’t get used to my existence.

“Ash… I,”

Above all, I knew all too well that this heart might stop working at any moment.

At that moment, Ash says,

“Oh, by the way! Where’s Sylvia?”

“…”

Ah, I get it.

Fuck, I get it, I said I get it.

Yes, the woman you like isn’t me, I know. I know,

You don’t need to remind me so many times.

My heart heats up intensely.

More, more, more more more more more.

So, so hot,

Even hotter than when I met that bastard Balder hiding in that fucking dog-shit-sized village,

It was so hot that I thought this might be the moment I die.

No, that’s not it.

I’m not stupid.

I know.

This means I’m angry.

Very angry.

Why?

Because I know the woman who will be by Ash’s side isn’t me but Sylvia?

No, I already knew that.

Because I’m upset that Ash only looks for Sylvia even when I’m right beside him?

Maybe.

But, fuck, it’s because Sylvia is Ash’s lover.

The one Ash loves is… fucking Sylvia.

I forcibly suppressed my anger and sighed.

It was such a hot sigh that my trachea and esophagus momentarily burned and then recovered.

“She went to hunt down the horde of those monsters.”

“Huh? When?”

“Around the time the creature you attacked started screaming.”

“Ah…”

What’s with that reaction?

Do you like Sylvia that much?

So much that you can’t stand even this brief moment with me?

No, calm down.

Alice, you crazy bitch. Please.

Be calm, let’s be calm.

Look at Ash.

Take a good look at Ash, whom I like so much.

His awkward expression, shoulders hunched as if tense, and eyes that seem anxious yet sad.

Ash is worried about me.

Just now, when I tried to remind him of my death again, he forcibly changed the subject,

Anyone with a bit of sense could see that.

I’m not someone without that much awareness.

Please stop letting your eyes roll back in rage.

If you don’t want to ruin even your last moments with Ash after ruining everything else in your life!

“Shouldn’t we go help her?”

“Why?”

“What do you mean why? Who knows how many there are,”

Help?

Does that woman really need help?

I snickered and said,

“Even if there were a hundred of them, it wouldn’t matter.”

Ash looked at me with confusion.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“No, it’s just strange to hear you praising Sylvia.”

“… Ha,”

I see,

In front of Ash, I’m just a crazy woman who insults his lover.

A former fiancée whose engagement was never officially realized.

Just a childhood playmate who was his sister’s close friend.

Right.

I’m finally understanding my place.

I sighed and said to Ash,

“Well… I have to acknowledge her strength. That’s why I can entrust you to her,”

I barely managed to utter praise that was the opposite of what my clanking heart wanted to say.

It was almost forced, but it wasn’t exactly untrue.

In this chaotic world where all laws and social order had collapsed, there was no one better than Sylvia to protect Ash.

Ash widened his eyes in amazement at my words.

Seeing my face flush again at that sight, I was quite an easy woman indeed.

“Hmm, that’s nice.”

“What is?”

“Hearing you say that makes me feel like I got marriage approval from family.”

“…What?”

What?

What the fuck?

“Well, it’s actually true. Right now, you’re the only person I can call family.”

Ah,

I see.

I see, fuck, I get it.

Hahahahaha,

I realized it.

Coincidentally, I figured it out.

Family,

Haha, fuck, the family I thought was all dead was here?

I see.

To Ash, I was already family.

From the beginning, I wasn’t even a candidate to be his lover.

Because we were too close, because we had been together since we were too young,

Even though we only just saw each other as adults after several years apart, I was already family to you, so much so that you didn’t feel even a flutter.

While I felt my heart race.

“…Ash,”

“Yes,”

Ash’s gaze, staring straight at me, glowed red due to the curse yet was so innocently clear.

That made it all the more cruel.

Do you like Sylvia that much?

What is it?

What’s so great about her?

Why is only she a hero while I can’t even join?

Why did only she witness Maria’s final moments, while I couldn’t?

Why is only she Ash’s lover, and I don’t even have a chance?

Why? Why, why why, why, just me?

“…”

Really,

I feel awful.

“Why am I your family?”

“…Huh?”

Ash froze in place.

At that moment, a monster emerged from the soil.

.