Ch.15Chapter 15: Me, Who Confessed My Wrongdoing

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What I wanted to confess wasn’t anything particularly grand.

“One night, I was looking at the moon by the window before going to bed, and I saw you swinging your sword in the outdoor training ground.”

“Could it be…?”

“It was shortly after you awakened all three abilities at once.”

“…I see.”

Though Shizu’s expression remained composed after confirming the approximate timing through my words, her subtly trembling eyes showed no signs of stopping, as if she couldn’t control them.

I had merely answered her question about the specific time, yet why were Shizu’s eyes wavering so much?

I did wonder about it.

But right now, I needed to answer her questions while also apologizing for the wrongs I had done to her.

I continued speaking in a calm tone about what I had seen.

“Even though you were shining brighter than anyone after awakening your abilities, I saw you swinging your sword, saving sleep time like before, trying to add even more brilliance. When I saw that, I forgot about going to bed and just kept watching from the window.”

“So that’s how you saw it.”

“Yes.”

“How was it?”

“…Huh?”

“How was my sword dance that night?”

Just as I was about to continue our conversation.

Shizu asked me what I thought of her sword dance that night.

Unlike in the previous timeline, I no longer wanted to hide what I had felt while watching her with my own eyes, so I answered Shizu’s question with sincerity.

“At that time, my eyes were clouded, so I couldn’t fully appreciate it, but now when I recall that scene…”

“When you recall it…?”

As I trailed off slightly and delayed my answer, Shizu recited the last part of my sentence, urging me to continue.

“You were so beautiful that the full moon seemed shabby in comparison.”

I honestly expressed the impression I had felt while watching her then, forgetting even the inferiority and unworthiness that had been piling up endlessly.

‘Was that too transparent?’

I did have a moment of regret, thinking I might have said something too close to flattery.

But after hearing my answer, Shizu’s initially stunned expression transformed into a smile as radiant as the rising sun.

“…Thank you. That’s the most delightful thing I’ve heard in a while.”

She expressed gratitude for my impression, which might have sounded so blatantly flattering as to seem shameless.

Not only was I moved by her expression of gratitude, but that smile, which made even the moonlight streaming through the window lose its luster, caused me to stare at her in a momentary daze.

Perhaps it was because I could now see up close what I had only been able to see in dreams in the previous timeline, despite how much I had wanted to see it.

Thump-thump

My heart beat wildly, refusing to follow my control as if it were broken.

When I lightly brushed my face with my right palm, I could clearly feel the heat of my flushed face through my hand.

“…Cal?”

As Shizu called out to me in a worried voice, seeing me hesitate momentarily while speaking, even her voice sounded so sweet.

I did want to enjoy this moment a little longer.

“Sorry… I’ll continue the story.”

“Okay.”

Sensing that I might not be able to properly tell what I intended to if I continued like this, I gathered my wandering thoughts and resumed my story.

“I could see that the Radiance, which had been passed down in our family only in fragmented form through grimoires with partially lost content, was gradually being completed in the form of a sword dance through your hands.”

I could tell just by watching.

Because I had been constantly swinging my sword with the determination to somehow recreate the lost sword techniques of the Radiance.

I could see how deeply the sword techniques of the Radiance were infused in each movement of Shizu’s sword dance as she danced with the moonlight as her companion.

“And when that sword dance reached its conclusion, I saw a light rising from your Lumen that was different in nature from ordinary brilliance. At that moment, I knew. It was the warm light that had been passed down in our family only in records, created only by our ancestor.”

“You really did see it… Hehe. I thought no one would see me training secretly at night.”

“Even if someone besides me had seen it, no one else would have understood the meaning of your sword dance and the light that formed on your sword.”

“I guess not…”

The sword technique of the Radiance that Shizu was completing through her sword dance could only be fully understood now, after traversing through countless times and then going back in time.

But at least I could immediately recognize the nature of the different brilliance that formed on her Lumen when her sword dance reached its conclusion.

It was a warm radiance that, while brilliant, didn’t just display its presence by overwhelming its surroundings, but rather generously illuminated everything around it with a sense of abundance.

The Light of Demon Sealing.

There was a tradition that the light containing the power to seal or destroy impure demonic energy had been the greatest help to our ancestor, Lumen Ranos, in ending the era of demon descent.

The brilliance that formed on Shizu’s Lumen as she completed her sword dance was such a warm and beautiful light that perfectly matched that tradition, so I easily realized that Shizu had gained the power of demon sealing.

After hearing my story, which recounted the circumstances without the slightest deviation, Shizu’s composed expression softened slightly.

“Phew… That’s a relief.”

She sighed in relief, showing a much more relaxed reaction than I had anticipated.

Shizu didn’t seem to take it seriously that I had noticed she could use the Light of Demon Sealing, which could only be completed when the three special privileges bestowed upon her were in perfect harmony.

“I’m glad you know, Cal.”

Rather, how should I put it?

Her voice even conveyed a sense that she considered it fortunate that I had noticed the secret she had been trying to hide.

“Why?”

So I asked Shizu a question with an appropriate amount of curiosity.

“If someone else had seen it, the secret might have leaked out, but you saw it and kept quiet for a long time, only telling me, the person concerned.”

“Is that… how it is?”

I scratched my head, feeling perplexed by Shizu’s words.

In the previous timeline, even though I had seen it, I hadn’t said a word until she herself revealed that she could use the Light of Demon Sealing. Yet now, despite having disclosed it due to a mistake made while reversing time, Shizu showed such firm trust in me that I felt both apologetic and bewildered.

“Well… anyway, I’ve told you how I came to know that you can use the power of demon sealing.”

“Thank you for being honest with me.”

After withdrawing the hand that had been scratching my head, my gaze fell upon Shizu, who was thanking me for being honest despite hearing that I had witnessed a secret that shouldn’t have been easily revealed.

Her golden hair, reflecting the soft moonlight, gave off a different charm than when seen during the day.

And her sparkling blue eyes were filled with nothing but purity.

She was beautiful. Truly beautiful.

I wanted to savor Shizu’s beauty without saying anything more, to get drunk on it as if I had taken a sip of alcohol, but that urge was trying to tempt my heart.

“Shizu. After telling you how I came to know your secret, there’s something else I want to tell you.”

But that wouldn’t be right.

“…Is it important?”

“Yes. It might even be more important than what I just told you.”

After eliminating the option of indulging in inappropriate whims through process of elimination, I gathered my resolve to finish what I needed to do.

“It’s about the thoughts I had while watching you create that beautiful light that no one except our ancestor had been able to manifest.”

I slowly opened my mouth.

“What thoughts?”

Hearing my slow but infinitely serious voice, Shizu’s voice also became serious.

And seeing her like that.

Gulp

I swallowed dryly, preparing myself to remain composed regardless of how Shizu might react to what I was about to say.

It was a mental preparation before confessing the very base and vile feelings I had harbored toward her, who had created such a warm light that I had barely been able to shake off until facing my first death.

After making up my mind, I looked into Shizu’s eyes.

Shizu’s expression was still composed, but.

It wasn’t hard to imagine that before long, when she learned of the vileness residing in my heart, disappointment would settle on that beautiful face.

I could easily guess.

At this time, you showed me nothing but unwavering warmth.

Yet despite receiving such warmth, I hurt you.

And if you were to learn that the reason I hurt you was, in fact, for such a trivial and vile reason, you would no longer look at me with that warm expression.

Perhaps it was because, even though I had steeled my resolve, I imagined Shizu’s expression darkening as soon as she heard my words.

Click-clack

My mouth, which was supposed to open, remained closed.

And despite the moderate warmth in the room, my teeth clattered roughly as if encountering extreme cold in my mouth.

“Cal?”

Seeing me like this, Shizu once again wore a worried expression and tried to approach me, but I raised my right hand, showing my palm to stop her movement.

“When I saw you shining so brightly, I realized the despairing fact that I could never stand proudly by your side for the rest of my life, no matter what I did.”

I gradually unraveled the deep darkness that my past self had harbored while looking at her.

Shizu’s expression still showed no signs of shadow.

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“When you first received the three special privileges that would allow you to become a hero more excellent than anyone else, I was truly happy. I thought your efforts, training diligently while saving sleep time despite being criticized for lacking talent, had received their just reward.”

My voice, as I spoke of the catalyst for the darkness taking root in my heart, was calm at first.

“But… as you moved straight ahead based on that, I suddenly saw myself, still unable to even stand at the starting line.”

Soon it began to gradually take on a numbness.

“At first, I didn’t mind and thought that if I didn’t neglect my efforts as usual, even if I couldn’t be as good as you, my wish to walk alongside you on the same level would come true…”

Just when I realized that the incurable disease known as the “broken vessel,” which is now cured but once blocked my path, was gnawing at my body to the point of no return, I felt a deep sense of frustration and let go of everything.

Feeling that just recalling it would make my voice sound not just numb but damp, I thought of something to gloss over rather than revealing the reason that I couldn’t possibly disclose, then tightly closed my eyes.

“In the end, as I realized that I was a being that could never shine, I suddenly began to hate you, who was so far ahead.”

Although it’s certainly not the case now, it was true that my past self from that time hated you.

So I finally admitted that I had hated you.

Since my eyes were tightly closed, I couldn’t see what expression Shizu was making as she silently listened to my story.

I could roughly imagine what it might be like, but I didn’t have the courage to open my eyes and check her expression.

“Even so, you were still you. Because of jealousy that didn’t suit me at all, I couldn’t even think of looking at you properly, and I only harbored feelings of inferiority and hurt you all this time.”

I was simply quietly reciting my wrongdoings.

I remember it clearly.

Although by current standards it was just something that started not long ago and lasted only a few months.

I can still recall how you were hurt by my immature actions, which brought me deep regret throughout my life.

Crunch

Just thinking about it made anger rise toward my pathetic self, and my teeth ground together, but right now there was something I needed to say before beating myself up.

I still couldn’t open my eyes, and I didn’t even have the courage to properly show that my eyes were closed, so I just bowed my head deeply.

“Shizu… I’m truly sorry for saying such unworthy things and treating you harshly despite being your fiancé.”

The apology that I had only conveyed in dreams in the previous timeline, or recited inwardly when facing my first or second death.

I was finally able to say it out loud for Shizu to hear.

I still couldn’t bring myself to lift my deeply bowed head.

I just carefully recalled how Shizu had reacted when she heard my apology in my dreams.

In my dreams, Shizu had shown mainly two reactions.

The first, which was actually better, was when she stared at me with disappointment settling on her face before moving away from me.

And the second was when Shizu, after hearing my apology, slapped me hard across the face and then left my side without saying a word, leaving me to silently watch her retreating back.

Even now… I thought a similar or even stronger reaction might come.

Just as I was trying to suppress the fear rising in my mind with a feigned composure.

Pat

I felt a gentle touch caressing my bowed head, and.

“I’m sorry…”

Hearing Shizu’s tearful voice apologizing to me for reasons I couldn’t understand, I opened my eyes in confusion.

Drip-drop

I saw thick tears finally falling from her eyes, which had been on the verge of crying several times today.

Ah…

I had come back to this time with the intention of making you happy.

Yet seeing you cry after hearing my words.

I found myself thinking that the time in the previous timeline when I only received cold words from you was actually easier on my heart.

I could endure any amount of coldness and contempt if there was a reason for it.

But the sight of you, who is more precious to me than anything, shedding tears without complication after hearing my words felt so painfully unbearable.

It was a pale evening where the moonlight, which had seemed only bright before, suddenly felt achingly cold.