Ch.155Qualification (1)

*

How much time had passed?

I was still standing alone in front of the cabin.

Standing motionless in the cold wind with my mouth stupidly agape, I could feel not only my lips but even my tongue drying out, though I had no time to care about it at the moment.

No, perhaps it would be more accurate to say I lacked the capacity to worry about something like my lips.

My vision was blurry.

My mind was as blank as my vacant stare.

‘Even if I die, you… at least you will find happiness. I’m going to die for that.’

Alice’s voice, calmly resolving herself to death with determination, refused to fade from my ears.

An unnervingly large heartbeat sound also lingered in my ears.

An unpleasant sound different from Silvia’s tenderly fluttering heartbeat, and different from Alice’s clanking mechanical sound.

That shameless, selfish, filthy heartbeat echoed clearly in my ears with each cold gust of wind that swept across my skin.

I finally moved my dry lips slowly and muttered in a cracked, low voice.

“Why… had I forgotten?”

I had been distracted by feeling my body change through rigorous training, fascinated by how my movements improved day by day.

Each night adorned with ecstatic sex had helped me shed handfuls of the loneliness and sorrow that had been eating away at me.

The truly fulfilling time Silvia had given me.

In that overflowing happiness, a certain sensation that had been gradually fading away now scraped sharply across my skin along with the chill carried by the cold wind.

Someone is dying again.

Someone is dying by my side again.

‘Even if I die, you… at least you will find happiness. I’m going to die for that.’

This time too,

Once again.

“Because of me.”

Laila, Uncle Hardy, nameless men, the Green Lady.

People who died because of me.

People I killed.

“Ugh…”

I hugged myself tightly and bit down hard on my parched, rough lips.

I am a plague.

A disaster that brings misfortune to anyone who comes close.

That’s why I decided to stay by Silvia’s side, who cannot die.

As atonement, I accepted my fate and strongly advocated for the potentially fatal mission to defeat the Demon Lord.

And yet, how could I…

“Forget that…”

Being able to enjoy the happiness of claiming a place by Silvia’s side was clearly an extravagance beyond what I deserved.

But no matter how surrounded I was by this undeserved happiness, how could I have forgotten that fact?

How could I have laughed so carelessly?

“You bastard…”

I squeezed my eyes shut, spitting out self-loathing words that tasted of blood.

I can see them.

The figures of those who reproach me.

Laila with her rotting, crushed flesh burned black, the mangled Uncle Hardy, and body parts so thoroughly dismembered they couldn’t even stand in a complete form.

As the strong wind brushed past my fingertips, those terrible sensations became vividly clear again.

When the wind rubbed against the tip of my nose, the acrid smell of burning and the terrible stench of blood felt so sharp it stung my nose bridge.

When the wind caressed my ears, I could almost hear the lamenting groans of the Green Lady trapped inside the tree.

“Ah… aah…”

And now it’s Alice’s turn?

I slowly sank to the ground.

No, I collapsed.

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… truly… truly…”

Disgustingly, I couldn’t even shed tears.

The voice that barely crawled out from my tickling throat, scraping against my rough palate, was dull and nauseating.

“Ha… haha, destiny, you say,”

What nonsense about destiny.

How could it possibly be my destiny to go after the Demon Lord?

Reciting grand words that didn’t suit me at all, trying to hide my ugly true intentions,

Even I fell for that pitiful lie.

I want to live with Silvia?

While already enjoying the luxury of sharing her bed—a privilege someone like me couldn’t even dream of—I spouted such bullshit.

It was nothing but intimidation and persuasion, boldly delivered because I knew Silvia wouldn’t reject me, and that wasn’t my true intention either.

My true intention,

My foul scheme from the beginning was atonement and salvation.

Even someone like me,

Even a beast worse than one who sacrificed his own sister, his neighbor, and even the spirit who loved me…

If I could say I saved the world, if I could claim the achievement of at least serving the two heroes, perhaps my sins could be forgiven.

It was to face Sister Maria who died fighting to the end before the Demon Lord, my parents who risked their lives to help us siblings escape, and Laila who must have been torn by the teeth of beasts while soaked in cold rain in the forest.

“Ha… augh, ugh…”

I clutched my chest as I lay sprawled on the ground.

It felt as if my selfishly beating heart was being tightly constricted by cold, sharp steel wires.

I wished my heart would burst right then.

I wanted to die irresponsibly.

I wanted to burn in the flames of hell forever and suffer.

Even that way, I wanted forgiveness.

“Ash.”

At that moment, someone called my name.

“It’s not Ash’s fault.”

“…”

Pitter-patter, small footsteps approached me.

Those footsteps paused briefly at my head as I curled up on the ground, then slowly crouched down and carefully embraced my head.

A tail covered in soft fur slowly wrapped around my back that was exposed to the cold wind.

“Bad thoughts.”

“…”

“You’re having those strange bad thoughts again, aren’t you?”

“…”

Pia shook her head repeatedly with her face buried in my hair.

Her lips, pressed against my head, continued with muffled pronunciation.

“It’s not true.”

Perhaps because it was directly touching my head,

Her voice seemed to seep straight into my brain.

“I saw everything, all of it. I’ve been watching Ash long before you got up from that collapsed carriage.”

“…”

“I was with you when you burned Laila’s body, I helped when you killed people, I watched with you when you turned the queen into a tree at her request. You remember, don’t you?”

Yes, that’s right.

Since she was a small fox,

No, since she was just a flame in the shape of a fox,

No, even long before I became aware of her existence, Pia had been with me.

“I know about Ash, I know best.”

“…”

“Ash is definitely not a bad person. Ash didn’t do anything wrong. None of it is Ash’s fault.”

“Pia…”

“If anyone says anything to Ash, I’ll get angry for you. If Ash dies, I’ll follow and make sure Laila and Maria can’t say anything.”

“It’s not that simple… You might not understand, but—”

“You’re the one who doesn’t understand.”

Pia interrupted me abruptly with an unusually strong tone and continued.

She resembled Silvia in that moment.

“Ash is stupid and always thinks too hard.”

“…”

“While being stupid.”

Pia emphasized the word “stupid” with force.

“You know those two wouldn’t blame you anyway.”

“…No, that’s not true. They’ll resent me.”

“No, they won’t.”

“Pia, I…”

“The only one who resents Ash is Ash.”

Pia hugged my head tighter as she spoke.

It was a surprisingly strong grip from those tiny arms.

I quietly rested my head against her small body.

I felt my eyes burning behind my tightly closed eyelids, so I squeezed them shut even harder.

I bit my lips to hold back the hot sensation that traveled from my sealed eyelids to my throat, threatening to burst into sobs.

Pia began to gently pat my head.

“I shouldn’t be happy.”

“Why?”

“I don’t deserve it.”

“I called you stupid, but you really are stupid,”

“…”

Pia’s tail gently stroked my back as if tapping it.

“You don’t need to deserve happiness.”

“…What does that mean?”

“If Ash wants to be happy, Ash can be happy.”

“…”

A bitter laugh escaped through my constricted throat.

I nodded my head while letting out a moist, raspy sound.

“Right.”

“Yes,”

“That’s exactly why I can’t.”

I shook my head as I spoke.

“I don’t want to be happy, Pia. I… shouldn’t be.”

“I want you to be.”

Pia gently cupped my cheeks with her tiny hands and lifted my face.

As my gaze slowly rose, I saw Pia’s hardened expression.

Only now did I notice the tears overflowing from her large eyes.

“…I want it. I want Ash to be happy.”

“Pia…”

“Alice wants it too. Silvia too… ugh, I don’t care what that woman thinks, but she definitely wants it too.”

Pia removed her hands from my cheeks slightly, then slapped them twice.

The impact caused my held-back tears to pour down, but that was all.

I looked at Pia with a startled expression.

Pia looked at me and slowly broke into a broad smile.

“We’re going to defeat the Demon Lord for the world’s sake.”

“…Yeah,”

“It’s not punishment for Ash’s wrongdoings. It’s not something Ash has to do.”

“…”

“Ash is working hard to kill the very difficult Demon Lord for the sake of the world.”

As I listened to Pia blankly, she gripped my cheeks and forcibly nodded my head up and down.

“What are you doing… nod.”

“Ah, okay.”

After I slowly nodded, Pia continued.

“Ash deserves to be happy. Because you’re working hard for the world.”

“Then… if I fail,”

“Even if you fail, you can be happy, because I want you to be.”

“…What kind of—”

Pia shook my head up and down again.

I resisted by tensing my neck.

“Ugh, stop it.”

“No, nod right now.”

“Ah… okay, okay.”

“Hurry up and nod.”

I reluctantly nodded my head.

Pia grinned, wiped her tears with her sleeve, and said:

“I’ll do it like I am now.”

“…Do what?”

“Even if Ash says no, I’ll make sure it happens.”

“…”

Pia declared proudly.

That she would make me happy, even by force.

Alice also said she would sacrifice herself for me.

Silvia would surely do the same.

The warm feeling that had been sloshing at its limit in my chest began to swell beyond what I could handle.

What kind of luxury is this?

How did I come to have such precious connections?

Why do they all declare they will make me happy?

Who am I to deserve this,

What am I, someone like me, to deserve this,

“Ash is thinking stupid thoughts again.”

“…”

“I told you, I know.”

Pia held my cheeks firmly and slowly brought her face closer.

I was startled and tried to pull back, but Pia wrapped her hands around my neck, holding me firmly in place.

No way, no way.

Is this karma for not stopping my displays of affection with Silvia in front of Pia?

I squeezed my eyes shut and lowered my head, unable to look.

Thud,

Pia’s forehead slowly touched my head.

Ah, so she wasn’t trying to kiss me.

“Do you remember what the queen, the Green Lady, said?”

“…Huh?”

“She said the spirits love Ash.”

“…Yes, I remember.”

“Alice and Silvia love Ash too.”

Alice?

The feelings Alice has for me are surely just goodwill mixed with nostalgia for happy childhood days, certainly not love.

Of course, we were childhood friends close enough to discuss marriage, and I am the only remaining family of her most precious friend, my sister Maria, so I knew Alice cared about me.

Perhaps the foundation of that emotion is guilt for not being able to protect Maria.

But regardless, it was clear she held me in special regard, having declared she would not hesitate to sacrifice herself for me.

“Yeah…”

“See?”

Pia closed her mouth for a moment, then opened it again with a rather serious voice.

It was a solemn voice that carried the dignity of a spirit that had existed for an eternity, shedding the childishness of a ten-year-old.

“Me, Alice… Silvia.”

“…”

“If someone loved by this many people doesn’t deserve happiness, then who does?”