Ch.147Chapter 147 – Sin and Atonement

I thought about Beatrice’s words for a moment.

‘Why so suddenly?’

I hadn’t expected to be asked such a question out of nowhere.

Depending on how I answer, things could become extremely awkward between us.

Just then, a slight breeze blew by, carrying the faint scent of alcohol from Beatrice.

‘I guess she’s still a bit tipsy.’

That might explain why she’s suddenly asking such random questions.

Or perhaps she’s just pretending to be drunk.

“Togu, can’t you hear me?”

Beatrice’s voice reached me.

Her tone carried a hint of impatience, bringing my thoughts back to the present.

“What do you mean by ‘uncomfortable’?”

“Exactly what I said. Do you feel uncomfortable or bothered by me?”

Beatrice’s eyes were serious.

This didn’t seem like a casual question.

‘Uncomfortable, huh.’

If I had to choose…

“I was a bit uncomfortable at first, but these days I’m just… fine with it.”

Of course, I haven’t forgotten the terrible things she did to me.

But after going through various incidents together and receiving help from her to some extent, my feelings had somewhat numbed.

More accurately, I hadn’t had the time to dwell on it.

“Really? Are you sure?”

She seems uneasy somehow.

Thinking she might need more explanation, I spoke slowly.

“We didn’t exactly meet under the best circumstances, but we’ve ended up in the same boat. Honestly, I have no intention of treating you as an enemy or doing anything against you right now.”

I paused briefly, choosing my next words carefully.

“Unfortunately, I’m already entangled with the continent’s largest religious order. They’re giving me enough of a headache without adding more enemies to the list.”

Finally, I mentioned the main reason we’ve been able to work together so far.

“Besides, you and I share the same enemy.”

Beatrice nodded at that.

“…You’re not wrong.”

She said that and sighed.

“You and I do share the same enemy.”

“Yes.”

We share the same enemy.

Despite having unfinished business between us, Beatrice and I had been able to work together without dwelling on it, thanks to that fact.

“And that enemy is far too powerful.”

Beatrice said.

Though it was dark, I could tell she had lowered her head slightly.

Watching her as she seemed lost in her thoughts, I quietly asked:

“Why are you suddenly asking me this?”

Beatrice didn’t answer immediately.

She searched her pockets as if looking for a cigarette, but eventually gave up, sighed once, and spoke quietly.

“…I’ve been feeling somewhat disillusioned lately.”

“Disillusioned?”

“Before I met you all, I was too reckless.”

Beatrice looked up at the sky as she spoke.

The day was beginning to break, with the sky gradually brightening.

“While working as an information broker, I dug relentlessly into the Order’s affairs, and to do that, I didn’t hesitate to attack or assassinate people associated with the Order.”

I had thought that might be the case.

Especially before we started traveling together, there would have been no one to restrain Beatrice.

“In the process, some innocent people got caught up in it. And until now, I didn’t even feel guilty about it.”

“You’re a bad woman.”

“Yes, I am a bad woman.”

Beatrice said with a bitter smile.

“But recently… I’ve been surrounded by good people. It’s made me question myself a bit.”

She seemed uncomfortable talking about herself and paused briefly.

But soon, she opened her mouth again.

“…I wonder if I really had to go that far.”

Beatrice sighed softly.

“Of course, I can make excuses. Time was passing, the enemy was growing stronger and using any means necessary, and I… I wasn’t achieving anything, not even revenge. Maybe that’s why I became impatient.”

Her voice was slightly wet with emotion as she seemed to recall the past.

I decided to listen quietly without pointing it out.

“…At some point, I started to believe that I could never defeat them unless I acted just like them. That I had to abandon human compassion and fight like they did.”

Beatrice confessed.

She was smoking a cigarette now.

“Why did you think that way?”

Beatrice was silent for a moment.

Then she quietly began to speak.

“There was a time when I entered a magic tower to gain the strength to defeat my enemy, only to discover that my enemy was the tower’s master, and the mentor who personally taught me was his lackey.”

Beatrice sighed deeply after saying this.

“My mentor was someone who warmly welcomed and taught me after I lost my family while fleeing from my hometown.”

I listened quietly to Beatrice’s words.

Like she was making a confession to me, Beatrice continued.

“But there was a day. The day I discovered my enemy was in the tower and went to ask my mentor for help.”

Beatrice was trembling slightly.

Not from fear.

From anger.

“That day I saw it. I saw my mentor bowing his head to that bastard Somnus, saying he would act according to his orders.”

The scene still seemed vivid to her, as Beatrice’s quiet anger continued.

“The person who always advised me to abandon my desire for revenge, who taught me magic from beginning to end, who smiled when I accomplished something—that person was actually a lackey who willingly licked the shoes of my enemy. The day I learned that, something broke inside me.”

With a slightly emotional voice, Beatrice continued.

“…That very day, I challenged him to a duel. I went at him with everything I had. My mentor pleaded with me to abandon my desire for revenge, saying there was still a bond between teacher and student, and asked me to follow him together. I refused… and when I regained consciousness, he was lying at my feet, bleeding.”

Beatrice was smiling now.

Not a smile of joy.

A smile that forcibly concealed sadness.

“Because of that, the Green Tower had to select a new master… who turned out to be my mentor’s opponent and Asam’s mentor, the tower’s sub-master Lucian.”

She added that from that day on, the Green Tower broke free from the Emiris Order’s influence.

But, Beatrice added with a hollow laugh:

“From that day on, I… well, I started going wild.”

“You started going wild?”

“Yes.”

Beatrice laughed.

It was self-mockery.

“From that day on, I became willing to do anything to bring down the Order.”

Beatrice spoke calmly.

“…It happened to be a time when the pro-Order faction, centered around Somnus, was causing chaos and destroying things within the tower.”

“I heard about this at the magic tower.”

It was something Beatrice had mentioned briefly during our meeting about the purple gem.

When I mentioned remembering it, Beatrice smiled.

“You have a good memory. Yes, I think I started to believe something during that time.”

Beatrice’s eyes sharpened.

“That I needed to pay them back exactly as they had done to me.”

A small flame flickered in her eyes.

“I picked fights indiscriminately. I bloodied my hands indiscriminately. I didn’t care about my own life… When I finally had a moment to catch my breath, people were calling me the ‘Mad Dog.'”

The origin of her title as a mage, “Mad Dog.”

I had guessed it came from her recklessly picking fights during that period, but she might have fought even more desperately than I had imagined.

“I didn’t stop there. I hunted down and killed Emiris Order assassins coming from overseas, tracked down and eliminated their associates—that’s how I spent my days.”

Beatrice continued with self-deprecation.

“I truly raged like a ‘Mad Dog.’ At some point, I realized something.”

I listened quietly to Beatrice’s words.

“The day I lost my family. The day I stained my own hands with my mentor’s blood. I, as a woman, was broken twice.”

She admitted calmly that she had been broken twice.

That she had been broken after losing precious things and being betrayed.

‘…It would be hypocritical to say I understand here.’

It would be meaningless to say such things when I couldn’t even begin to imagine what state Beatrice had been in at that time.

After a moment, Beatrice let out a deep sigh.

She had already discarded the cigarette she’d been holding.

“…After that, I must have been on the verge of crossing a line. All for the sake of revenge against them.”

She said she might have already crossed it.

After listening quietly, I asked:

“And now?”

At my question, Beatrice looked up at me.

Against the backdrop of the gradually brightening sky, a sad smile was appearing on her face.

“…I’m not sure.”

Beatrice said that and sighed deeply.

“Let me be clear. I intended to use you too. As a tool.”

I already knew this fact from Asam’s warning on the day I was kidnapped.

She had tried to use me like the other test subjects.

“Of course, that plan failed… and somehow I ended up entangled with you afterward.”

Beatrice added that it was still strange to her how we had become so entangled.

“After getting involved with you, I kept meeting good people.”

She added that it wasn’t that Asam, Lucian, or Violet were bad people.

“Sera and Christina are good kids. Even Eve, the guild leader, while she has clear boundaries, treats people within her circle very well. Unlike me.”

“They are all good people, that’s for sure.”

I have to agree with that.

Beatrice looked at me briefly as if she wanted to say something more, then spoke again.

“They’re all better people than someone like me.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. Unlike me…”

There was envy in Beatrice’s voice.

It seemed she had been influenced, to some degree, by the three people who were different from her.

Soon she quietly opened her mouth again.

“At some point, I started feeling comfortable around them. Sometimes it reminds me of those peaceful times long ago, of the people I lost…”

Beatrice smiled sadly.

“So lately, I’ve been asking myself: Were all the things I’ve done really necessary?”

She seemed to have regained her composure, as the sad smile had disappeared.

“Of course, just because I’ve started to regret my past actions doesn’t mean my sins disappear or that I’m not a bad woman.”

Then she looked at me again.

“But… I’ve started to wonder if there’s any meaning in acting no differently from them under the pretext of paying them back.”

This one, was she thinking about such things inside?

I couldn’t have guessed it from her usual attitude.

Then Beatrice laughed hollowly and said:

“Well, either way, I’m definitely going to hell when I die. Many people have fallen into the abyss because of me.”

Beatrice said bitterly.

After watching her for a moment, I quietly said:

“Don’t make your confession to me; go to Christina.”

Christina is the clergy, not me.

Beatrice looked at me in disbelief.

“You, that’s what you have to say right now?”

She seemed quite betrayed and grumbled a bit angrily.

“I must be crazy to tell Togu such things… it’s the alcohol’s fault, the alcohol.”

She’s good at blaming alcohol even though she has no intention of quitting.

After that, Beatrice started rambling about various things.

I let her grumble to herself for a while, and when it subsided, when I thought she might have regained some composure, I spoke to her.

“You can change from now on, can’t you?”

“…Would that change anything?”

When Beatrice glared at me, I shrugged my shoulders in response.

“Some people do bad things and don’t even regret their wrongdoings. You’ve at least started to feel remorse.”

Not everyone would be like this, but at least the Emiris Order didn’t seem likely to regret what they had done.

They seemed to believe that whatever they did was absolutely right and justified.

They were monsters created by fanaticism, believing themselves to be the apostles of God.

Beatrice laughed hollowly.

“I know who you’re talking about. But I… I wonder if I deserve to change.”

Beatrice spoke with a lack of confidence.

“Still, having some possibility is better than none at all.”

Of course, that doesn’t mean her past wrongdoings would disappear.

Beatrice looked at me and continued:

“If you want to change, I think you can atone by changing from now on.”

“Is that so?”

“Though that doesn’t mean all your wrongdoings will be forgiven.”

She sighed at my words.

“I should accept my punishment, but… doesn’t that make it meaningless?”

“That might be true, but I don’t think that’s a reason not to try to change.”

When Beatrice looked at me, I just smiled slightly.

“I think I read this in a book once… ‘As long as humans strive, they are bound to wander.'”

I couldn’t remember the title of the book, thanks to my fragmented memories.

Feeling Beatrice listening to me, I spoke quietly.

“Everyone wanders. If you feel guilty about your past wanderings, you shouldn’t stop trying to change yourself for the better.”

“‘Wandering’ seems too cute a word for what I’ve done.”

I shrugged my shoulders as if to say “so what,” and Beatrice chuckled.

After thinking for a moment, she soon opened her mouth.

“Then, what exactly are you trying to say, Togu?”

“Just live with all your might and atone with all your might.”

Even if it’s difficult to be completely forgiven for past deeds.

If you live with all your might and continue to atone, at least the burden can be lightened.

If one acknowledges their sins, doesn’t forget them, and strives for atonement, perhaps salvation will come someday.

“Living itself is a sin for humans, and living earnestly is atonement in itself.”

“Ha, really. What kind of clergy are you?”

Beatrice said that and turned her head slightly.

I couldn’t see what expression she was making.

And when she turned her face back, there was a more relaxed smile on her face.

Seeing that, I quietly asked:

“Do you feel better after talking about it?”

“A little?”

Beatrice answered lightly to my question.

After all, with worries, it’s not about providing solutions but about listening well.

People are simpler than they think; just expressing their feelings can bring peace of mind.

“I’ll organize the information I’ve gathered and let you know by tomorrow.”

“Right, the information you collected out of guilt to do something.”

“What are you saying, really?”

Thinking about it, her sudden appearance at night might have had something to do with these concerns she’s been having.

Though she’s busy denying it.

“But why were you collecting information on Florence and the kingdom?”

“…Well, it’s my hometown after all.”

“You’re really a girl who loves her hometown, aren’t you?”

Can’t help where you’re from.

We both laughed lightly for a moment, then headed back toward the inn.

There seemed to be no need for further conversation, so we walked in silence, and soon the inn came into view.

“Let’s go in and get some sleep now. Even though there’s not much morning left.”

“Yeah, I need to get some rest and then wake up.”

I was a bit tired from following her into the back alley and giving relationship advice that didn’t suit me.

Just as I was about to go in after giving a casual response, Beatrice grabbed me.

“Togu.”

“What?”

Beatrice started to speak but stopped, gauging my reaction.

Then her lips opened cautiously.

“I’ll make proper amends somehow, not just with words…”

Beatrice seemed to be watching my reaction.

And then she spoke again.

“I’m sorry. For everything until now.”

Beatrice said only that much and went inside.

“…That was quick.”

Saying that, I also went inside.

Dawn was already ending.