Ch.139Chapter 21. Year-End (3)

When considering what mindset is most important for those in helping professions, what should it be?

Having no discrimination when helping the person in front of you? That’s not particularly difficult to maintain. In fact, when everything around you is engulfed in flames, there’s no time to consider who the person in front of you is.

Like all professions, repeatedly jumping into fires eventually becomes more routine than mission-driven. And in that routine, there isn’t much room for emotions to interfere.

What’s truly important is what happens after all that work is done.

Your body aches, you feel like you’re being steamed inside your clothes, the equipment is heavy. After enduring all that pressure while working, finally completing the job, throwing off your equipment, and taking a sip of water, that’s when the thoughts suddenly come.

Did everyone I brought out survive? Was anyone seriously injured?

Was I too late?

And sadly, there are always people who would have survived if I’d arrived just a few minutes earlier, or who would have been less injured or not hurt at all.

I know it’s physically impossible. The time it takes for someone to recognize the situation and report it, the time to receive the report and hear the explanation, the time for that message to reach us and for us to rush to the scene. No matter how quickly we move, there’s always an unavoidable gap.

And once inside the scene, things are different. No matter how much information you receive beforehand, it’s extremely difficult to navigate accurately through a burning building and quickly bring people out.

I try not to think about it.

That there was nothing more I could have done, that the outcome was the best I could achieve. That things could have been worse if I’d made a mistake, so I should be grateful it ended as it did.

But when human lives are at stake, it’s impossible to easily shake off such thoughts.

“…”

It was the same now.

These days, I rarely have reason to strap on an oxygen tank and enter a fire scene. Catching yokai isn’t even my duty. I do it because I want to.

But because it’s something I do by choice, it’s not easy to dismiss thoughts about where I failed.

Mako, who was usually somewhat reserved yet energetic in conversation, had been listless throughout the exam period.

I had felt reassured seeing her talk with Mr. Miura, but it seems her wounds were much deeper than I’d anticipated.

While we avoided the worst scenarios like her falling into a coma or suffering permanent disability, the injury must have been significant. Being stabbed like that.

Was it my fault?

Even though I don’t think so, part of me still wonders. It’s not easy to fully accept that everything was beyond my control. After all, I was actually there.

“…”

Right, there’s no point thinking about it. It’s not like I can change anything now.

I looked back down at my exam paper.

…Studying with Yuka had been quite effective.

I couldn’t answer all the questions correctly, of course, but it seemed a bit easier than the midterms.

Yet even with that thought, my heart didn’t feel completely light.

*

What should I say to her?

After the exams, I sat blankly in the literature club room thinking about this.

Mako was visibly down, yet still tried to maintain her kindness toward others.

She responded well when other kids spoke to her and laughed at jokes. During breaks, she compared answers with me.

For a brief moment, I wondered if it was just my imagination, but…

…seeing how Fukuda and Yamashita were carefully watching Mako’s mood, she was clearly forcing herself.

That made my heart heavier. I knew how bright and energetic she usually was.

I wish it were something trivial making her depressed.

No, of course most significant events at this age are first-time experiences, so there aren’t many trivial issues. But if it were something like breaking up with a boyfriend, I could at least suggest we all go somewhere and have fun to take her mind off it.

But if it’s about her parents being ill, well…

Most of the comforting methods I know work for adults. Like silently taking someone out for a drink together.

…Not something I could use with a young kid like Mako.

“Is it because of Miura?”

Seeing me unable to focus on studying, Yuka asked.

I nodded.

“It’s not your fault, you know.”

“Woo.”

Koko, sitting beside us, made a sound of agreement. Her face looked slightly angry, or perhaps frustrated.

I was secretly impressed that Koko could now recognize such subtle human emotions, but that fact didn’t completely brighten my mood.

Yes.

Let me say it again, I know. It’s not my fault. The blame lies with Kosuzu who caused the incident, and I don’t bear any legal responsibility.

I know that, but—

There’s a difference between thinking it yourself and hearing it directly from the person involved.

That’s right. I was having a terrible thought. I was hoping that Mako, who was already struggling, would reassure me that everything was fine.

“Hmm.”

Seeing me nod but still looking gloomy, Yuka crossed her arms and fell into thought.

Did Yuka have similar thoughts to mine? She’s been catching yokai since she was young. She must have felt guilt thinking about people who died before she could protect them.

“A way to cheer up Miura, huh.”

Yuka thought for a long time but couldn’t come up with a proper answer.

…Well, that’s understandable. Yuka is still Yuka. A mid-teenager who’s only just started making real friends.

It’s natural she wouldn’t know how to cheer up a child worried about her ill parents.

“Why don’t you try talking to her first?” Yuka suggested to me.

“Yes, I know it’s difficult. I understand why you haven’t approached her yet.”

When I stared at Yuka, she shrugged her shoulders in acknowledgment.

“But I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you spoke to her first. When people are going through hard times, they usually want someone to lean on.”

I was a bit surprised by Yuka’s words.

As I stared at her, Yuka’s face reddened slightly.

“What? I know this much, you know!”

And only then did I remember that Yuka doesn’t have a mother.

She must have gone through difficult times too. Maybe she leaned on her family then.

…

When I went through similar things, I didn’t try to lean on others.

I’m not sure why. Maybe I just disliked the world.

Yet I still had to work to survive.

“…Alright.”

I nodded slightly and lowered my head back to the textbook.

*

The last day of exams.

“…Mako.”

After the final exam ended and our homeroom teacher, Ms. Suzuki, came in to congratulate us, I approached Mako.

“Yes?”

Since I had been restraining myself from initiating conversations with Mako for the past few days, she seemed a bit surprised.

Was it because she looked surprised? She seemed much better than when she had that completely dejected expression.

No, that’s probably just wishful thinking. I steeled myself.

What should I say?

I didn’t think it was right to just bluntly tell her everything would be okay.

Instead, I should say something else—

“Oh, what’s this, what’s this?”

As I was frantically thinking, a sudden weight on my shoulder made me stagger. I didn’t fall, though, as the person who pounced on my shoulder held me firmly with their arm.

“Going to hang out together? Well, the exams are over, so we should go somewhere to unwind!”

Fukuda said what I was about to say.

“What do you think, Yuu?”

“Hmm.”

Yuu, with his usual somewhat blank expression, looked up from his phone for a moment.

Our eyes met briefly.

Lowering his gaze back to his phone, Yuu said, “Sure. I didn’t have anything else to do anyway.”

“Great, great!”

“Waa?”

Fukuda said this while pulling Koko to her side with her other hand.

“Let’s go to a karaoke place together. We need to let loose after all this stress!”

Karaoke, huh.

Well, it has been a while since I went.

But still, to say this to someone whose father is in the hospital—

“…Sounds good.”

Contrary to my concern, Mako agreed.

“School ends early today, and exams are over.”

“Aren’t we going to check answers today?” Fukuda asked teasingly.

Mako just gave her a sidelong glance.

“It’s the last day, so there’s no need to do that anymore. No point in staying stressed.”

Raising her hands above her head and stretching with an “Ungh,” Mako suddenly seemed to remember something and asked me, “By the way, what about Yuuki? Isn’t she coming with us today?”

“…Ah, well.”

Yuka said she’d go ahead today. Probably being considerate.

She said she’d go home and pack her things first.

Besides, we already had plans for after the exams.

“She said she had something to do first.”

Somehow, I felt a bit shy about mentioning that Yuka had been staying at my place for a while, so I gave that vague answer.

“I see.”

Mako seemed somewhat relieved.

“Yes, let’s do that then.”

Mako said with a slight smile.

Maybe it was because some time had passed.

Seeing Mako’s expression soften a bit was reassuring.

*

Sometimes people feel chest tightness due to actual stomach problems, but others feel it because they have too much on their mind.

Mental pain is actually connected to physical pain.

Just as we might feel a tingling sensation when seeing someone else get hurt, or salivate when thinking about delicious food, the human body has some ability to simulate sensations.

That’s why emotions can make the body hurt. Throbbing headaches, chest tightness. Or even tearing pain.

The robot cliché of “This is… the feeling of pain…” is actually logically nonsensical. The feeling of sadness and the simulated pain that follows can’t be felt without organs that sense pain.

…I’ve gone off track, but what I want to say is this:

Whether there’s actually something wrong with your stomach or your chest feels tight due to emotions, screaming is somewhat disconnected from both sensations.

But at least if the tightness is due to emotions, letting out a loud scream and releasing those emotions can help.

That’s probably why we want to climb somewhere high and scream when we feel constricted inside.

Of course, if you actually did that on a mountain, well, at least by 2020s standards, some official would scold you for scaring the wildlife.

“…Phew.”

That’s why we went to karaoke. In the middle of Tokyo, karaoke places are about the only places where you can scream to your heart’s content.

And Mako, who usually only sings gentle songs, belted out powerful songs today.

“You’re really going for it, Mako.”

Fukuda said, seeming a bit surprised. Even Yamashita, who rarely reacts unless he knows the song, was watching Mako with slightly widened eyes.

“Woah…”

Even Koko, who loves upbeat songs, apparently hadn’t expected Mako to sing such songs.

“…Here.”

Perhaps embarrassed after finishing her energetic song, Mako’s cheeks reddened slightly as she handed me the microphone.

But, I haven’t reserved any songs yet.

Checking the screen again, I saw that no songs had been reserved at all.

Maybe this was consideration. Perhaps Fukuda and Yamashita were waiting for Mako to comfortably sing whatever she wanted?

I glanced around and caught Fukuda’s eye.

“What are you doing? Aren’t you going to sing?”

“Oh, but what about you all—”

“The person holding the microphone always sings first.”

Is that so? I don’t remember such a rule from the last time we came.

“Look, even Koko is expecting it.”

Well, that’s true, but.

I looked at Yamashita.

He was already looking back at his phone.

…Maybe they thought I looked down too? Well, that’s possible. I was feeling depressed seeing Mako so gloomy.

Well, fine then.

I’ll just sing.

“…”

Though I couldn’t think of what song to sing.

“If you don’t know what song to sing, want to sing together?”

Mako asked.

That was welcome.

It seemed like consideration for me, but maybe she also wanted to sing once more. After all, time passes whether we sing or not.

“Sure.”

“Then, I’ll sing the first verse, and Kotone can sing from the second verse.”

The song Mako chose was a very cheerful, currently popular one. Yes, I think I’ve heard this on TV.

“You seem to know it.”

Seeing my expression, Mako smiled.

We sang the song together.

Koko joined in halfway through, but thanks to that, any remaining gloomy feelings were completely blown away.

*

After playing until almost dinner time, we went outside and walked leisurely.

“Ugh, it’s cold.”

Well, actually, it wasn’t that leisurely.

Tokyo’s weather wasn’t cold enough to cut through flesh, but it was enough to make the body shiver. Maybe it felt colder because we were wearing coats.

Besides, Fukuda, who had just muttered that, had the shortest skirt among us. It was quite brave to expose bare legs like that in winter, but as a result, Fukuda seemed to have no resistance to cold.

“Ah, right, right!”

Perhaps to forget the cold, or maybe the cold reminded her of something she’d forgotten, Fukuda, who was walking backward, clapped her hands and said,

Then quickly putting her hands back in her pockets,

“What are you all doing on Christmas Eve?”

We looked at each other.

It seemed none of us had plans.

…Ah, I see.

None of us here have partners. It’s understandable that Mako doesn’t have a boyfriend since she doesn’t even think about dating men, but even Fukuda and Yamashita don’t have boyfriends.

Well, they had tried. The problem was they didn’t keep in touch afterward.

“If none of you are doing anything, shall we have a party? Not just us, but we could each bring a few friends and gather somewhere.”

“…Where?”

When Yamashita asked, Fukuda’s eyes blinked.

“Huh? Just anywhere suitable?”

“…All rental places will be booked for Christmas Eve.”

“That’s true.”

Mako nodded at Yamashita’s words.

“Those places would be at their busiest time of year.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Yes. We probably should have made reservations at least a month ago.”

It’s not just Christmas. Being the year-end and new year period, places would be fully booked for several weeks before and after.

“Oh… then, should we meet at someone’s house?”

Fukuda looked at me first but quickly averted her gaze.

Yes, that makes sense. Even though there are no adults, my place is too small for all those kids. Honestly, it would feel more like a gloomy commoner experience than a party atmosphere.

“Ah, um, sorry. My father isn’t home right now—”

“Oh, oh!? No, no! I wasn’t thinking that!”

When Mako spoke with a troubled expression, Fukuda jumped up in alarm.

That makes sense.

Suggesting we gather at her place because “your father is in the hospital” would be incredibly insensitive.

“Ah… but my place is a bit awkward at that time too.”

That’s probably true. Seeing Fukuda’s father drinking with Kagami, he might bring home a lover or something. Maybe he’d give Fukuda some money to go out?

Naturally, all eyes turned to Yamashita.

“…”

Seeing Fukuda’s pleading eyes, Yamashita sighed heavily.

Yamashita’s house is spacious. Not just spacious, but a genuine Japanese mansion like those in movies.

I know because, though unintentionally, I’ve splattered blood all over that house—there’s definitely enough space for us to bring quite a few people and have them stay over.

“…You know, if you were going to bring this up, you should have mentioned it earlier.”

“Sorry.”

Fukuda apologized with a smile. That doesn’t mean it didn’t feel sincere. Seeing her eyebrows slightly drooping, she seemed genuinely sorry.

“…I’ll talk to my father about it.”

“Thank you!”

“Woo…?”

However, amidst this conversation, someone made a slightly worried sound.

It was Koko.

“Huh? What’s wrong? Is there a problem?”

Naturally, all eyes turned to me. While Koko is smart, she has a somewhat four-dimensional aspect that prevents her from explaining things coherently.

“…Well.”

Actually, I’m not sure either.

Wasn’t Koko looking forward to Christmas? Why would she object?

As my gaze also turned to Koko, she looked at me anxiously and hesitantly said,

“What if Santa Claus gets confused about the location?”

“…”

The attention that had been on Koko shifted back to me.

…

Indeed.

What should I do?

I pondered deeply about how to explain this to Koko.