Ch.122The Essence Remains Unchanged (5)

Kirsy felt like her insides were turning upside down.

She constantly felt like vomiting, and her head throbbed with pain.

Her heart would often race suddenly, startling her, and she occasionally had nosebleeds.

Kirsy was experiencing firsthand how selfish and adaptable humans could be.

When Caden, whom she thought was dead, returned alive, she was given the joy of gaining everything in the world, but that happiness gradually became familiar… and what remained was the reality that he had accepted Judy as well.

She could accept it.

She was grateful to Judy, the woman who had saved his life, more than ever before. She could grant her any favor.

But that didn’t mean she wasn’t jealous. It didn’t mean her heart didn’t ache whenever Caden gave his heart to another woman.

His gentle gaze, smile, warmth… whenever all of those were directed at another woman instead of herself, she couldn’t bear the sight without gritting her teeth.

But she had to endure it. Because there had been many changes for her.

The mindset that she should let Caden go and the heart that couldn’t let him go coexisted within her.

As a result, she began to give Caden strange smiles.

Knowing how much he struggled and suffered when he left them. Not being able to gauge with what feelings he had left the Praester territory.

Kirsy, who no longer wanted to cause him pain, began to bless Caden and other women.

…..Perhaps she thought it was fortunate that she had aphasia.

She didn’t have to say “I’ve given up on my brother” like Asena did, while ignoring her rotting heart.

She just had to smile, and she didn’t have to do those difficult things.

Maybe that’s why her language hadn’t returned for so long. Because she didn’t want to speak.

But even Kirsy couldn’t give up on certain things in the end.

When he wasn’t meeting Judy or Daisy…..those fragments of his remaining time were too precious to her.

Although Caden’s schedule was busy, leaving only fragments of time, Kirsy wanted to gather even those crumbs.

So when Kirsy heard that he wasn’t eating his meals properly, she tried making sandwiches.

All the servants around tried to stop her, but no one could go against her determination.

Her arms, which could barely hold a knife, began to strain as she cut bread, meat, and vegetables.

Nevertheless, Kirsy worked hard with the thought that Caden would eat this sandwich.

Worried that it might not be enough or that he might find it tasteless, she prepared various types of sandwiches in abundance.

And when Caden smiled and said thank you…. she felt a tingling happiness in her chest after a long time. At the same time, desire stirred.

Kirsy couldn’t understand why greed had no end. But with that stirring of desire, everything she had been holding back was about to burst forth.

She developed a desire to feed him with her own hands.

Grandmother was in the room, but she couldn’t even care about that.

But it was a bad move.

She ended up learning what she didn’t want to hear….. that dinner was scheduled with Daisy, Judy, Grandmother, and her brother.

It felt like her mind suddenly cleared.

She felt embarrassed, sorry, ashamed, and also…. unbearably sad about what she had done.

Now even something this simple wasn’t possible anymore.

He was her brother. He used to love only her. He should have been hers. She had known him the longest. She knew him best. She was confident she could love him the most.

Because she was his sister, none of it was possible.

She was increasingly sympathizing with Asena’s words.

Why did Caden have to be her brother?

They weren’t related by blood….. and now, they even had different surnames.

Wouldn’t it be okay now?

…….She was acutely aware that this was her selfish desire.

Because she felt like she would cry if she endured any longer. Because she felt like she wouldn’t be able to maintain that smile if she stayed any longer, Kirsy snatched the plate and began to flee.

She felt like he was steadily moving forward to share his future with other women.

It was she who was still trapped in unchanged feelings of the past.

From the next day, her body began to visibly deteriorate.

As mentioned, she felt like her insides were turning upside down. Her dry heaving worsened…. and her head hurt as if a string was tightened around it.

The desire to speak had long disappeared.

Her body had no strength.

…..Before long, Caden appeared again after hearing the news.

Seeing him appear whenever she was sick almost brought tears to her eyes, but the fact that she ultimately couldn’t have him made it even harder for her.

Smiling at him as he approached wasn’t that difficult.

The moment she saw his worried face, a smile came easily, even if it was awkward.

He spent a long time talking with the doctor.

Kirsy found herself unconsciously wishing her condition was bad. If the doctor told him something serious, Caden would look at her a little longer.

She didn’t even wish to monopolize him. She would be happy if she could just look at him a little longer.

While she was thinking that….

“Let’s go for a walk.”

That’s what he said.

Her heart immediately began to race. False hope began to take root.

Ultimately, she couldn’t be with him like Judy or Daisy. She felt so foolish and stupid for getting excited over just one invitation to go for a walk.

Perhaps he might even find her annoying.

He must be busy just preparing for war.

She couldn’t understand why she was flirting with someone who already had a fiancée.

In the end, she didn’t want to bother him to fill her heart that would eventually become empty.

So she wrote a refusal on paper and showed it to him.

But Caden broke through her difficult thoughts too easily. He threw away the letter and put his arms under her back and legs.

“Huh?!”

He forcibly lifted her from the bed and dragged her out of the castle.

Kirsy struggled for a moment, but it couldn’t last long.

His embrace was too warm.

His warmth, which she had missed desperately, made her unable to resist anymore.

She felt like she would cry.

Just this one thing shattered all of her awkward smiles.

She was even happier that he had forcibly taken her out. She was happy that he seemed to care about her physical condition first.

.

.

.

After arriving at Mels Plain, she couldn’t separate from Caden anymore.

Since he had embraced her first, Kirsy didn’t want to hold back anymore.

She hugged his neck tightly and sat in his embrace. She didn’t even properly look at the scenery.

Even though she had loved those flowers so much, she had no time to care about them.

She wanted to press her body closer to him if possible. She didn’t want to let go of this warmth.

She tried not to think about the future. Even by tonight….. they would return to the castle and separate.

After that, she would feel that emptiness again.

But she didn’t want to give up the present. So she put aside thoughts of the future.

Instead, she lived in the present. Caden’s scent, the feeling of his skin. His breath. Movement. Body shape. She was feeling everything so as not to forget.

She wanted to thank him.

She was so grateful to Caden, who had thrown away a day for her without hesitation despite being so busy.

She opened her mouth and moved it a couple of times….. but she knew herself that she couldn’t speak.

So she just hugged him more tightly.

Neither Daisy nor Judy could see her now. When not in front of them, Caden should be hers.

…….Of course, she wished he was hers even when they were present… but she had some decency.

“…….”

While her body was still like this, her heart was turbulent.

For a moment, the current situation felt insanely happy…. then it became sad enough to make her cry. It felt like a dream, yet it was more vivid than ever before.

Her desire was still stirring now. No matter how much she suppressed it, it kept revealing itself.

……..Kirsy wanted to kiss Caden now. That disgustingly selfish thought kept brushing against her.

But she knew well that it wasn’t possible. So she only imagined it.

She tried to convince herself to be satisfied with this.

“….Kirsy…..weren’t the flowers pretty?”

After a long time, he opened his mouth.

Kirsy knew well that he was opening his mouth to wrap up the day.

But at the same time, she was surprised and flustered. It had felt like just a moment, but when she came to her senses, the sunset was falling.

She responded to his words by nodding her head…

“…..Yes. Let’s go back now.”

To these words… in the end, she could only shake her head. It was her throwing a tantrum after a very long time.

Although she knew how much Caden suffered whenever she threw tantrums, this was ultimately who she was.

Kirsy wanted to enjoy this rendezvous with him, which might be the last, even a little longer.

And Caden granted her request with deceptive simplicity.

Releasing the strength he had been putting into his body, he sat down again.

How much longer did they stay like that?

“……..Kirsy. Does it really have to be me?”

He asked a breathtaking question.

His voice was deeply serious. She was so curious about the intention behind the question. But her head was spinning too dizzily, and her heart was beating too fast to think about it.

All she could do…….was answer him.

About to nod her head, Kirsy knew that wouldn’t be enough.

This, at least, had to be conveyed with words. If there was anything that could convey her desperate feelings to him even a little more, she had to open her mouth.

She opened her mouth at an angle where Caden couldn’t see. As she prepared to make a sound, her tongue wouldn’t move as she wanted.

At this rate, she would only be able to make babbling sounds again.

With that dizzying thought…..she recalled her memories with Caden.

His smile. His gaze.

The warmth she felt when he touched her cheek. The happiness she felt when he adored her.

And the excitement she felt when she was by his side.

“……..It… has to be.”

She forced out. The words she uttered, even if they might fail, had formed meaning.

Caden didn’t answer.

He just slowly nodded his head.

Kirsy couldn’t understand at all with what heart he had asked the question.

But…..please.

If there is a God, please.

She prayed that he had asked with the intention of considering her.

With that ray of hope, the nausea that had troubled her. The headache that had crushed her head.

All of it melted away like snow.