Ch.121The Essence Remains Unchanged (4)

Today, I was organizing documents with the help of Asena and Grandmother.

My body felt stiff.

I had fallen asleep while reviewing documents and woken up at my desk.

I couldn’t say I was completely rested, but… it wasn’t unbearable either. So I continued working from the moment I opened my eyes.

Besides, with Asena helping me, I actually had less opportunity to rest.

If I postponed work for my own comfort, Asena would try to handle it instead.

For her to rest, I needed to finish the work. The preparations were nearly complete. Once finished, we would likely be able to deploy troops soon.

So right after waking up, as dawn was breaking, I lit the extinguished candle and picked up my quill pen.

Time passed, and Asena and Grandmother came into the office, completing our current arrangement.

“Asena, could you sign this, please?”

I handed Asena a document while speaking.

It was confirmation of the troops and armaments being provided by our subordinate families.

Asena took the paper from me… then handed it back.

“You sign it, brother.”

“Huh…? Why should I sign it? You’re the head of the family.”

Asena replied in a nonchalant tone.

“…I’ve been thinking, and I believe you should act in my place until the war begins.”

“……”

“……”

“…Are you feeling unwell? Asena, this won’t do. You should put this down and go rest—”

“No, that’s not it.”

Grandmother also approached us slowly, listening carefully.

“…I want to rebuild your position that I ruined.”

Asena spoke with a guilt-ridden expression.

“……”

“This shouldn’t be limited to discussions within our family. Let’s make an official announcement that you’re temporarily taking my place as the head of the Praester family.”

“…Do we really need to go that far?”

None of us had mentioned it, but we all knew how strange my position was on paper.

A commoner who became a Praester, then was expelled from the family, and now returned as the acting head of the Praester family.

There was no reason to care about others’ opinions, but… the subordinate families were surely confused about how to deal with us.

So I wanted to restore everything to its original state.

With Asena as the head of the family.

She wouldn’t need to shoulder much burden. She would just need to sign documents.

But Asena shook her head firmly.

“…Trust me, brother. This is the best path for you.”

Her eyes looked straight into mine.

Looking into those eyes, I had no doubts.

“…You need to show that you’re still… close to us. To prevent this from happening again. It started because of my mistake… but I want to fix it.”

Grandmother, who had been listening to our conversation, spoke.

“Do as Asena says. It will be better for the war too. You need the authority of the acting head of the Praester family to command effectively.”

“…Hmm.”

“Besides, it wasn’t that long ago that you were expelled. It’s difficult to overturn established perceptions. You might be disrespected, knowingly or unknowingly. That shouldn’t happen during wartime.”

Asena spoke again, reinforcing the plan.

“We can think about what comes after when the war is over. For now, you should continue as the head. Don’t worry too much… we need to win this war without problems…”

I nodded.

“…Right. The war… needs to end easily.”

Grandmother nodded and changed the subject.

“…Yes. By the way, Asena, how is the justification for the war coming along?”

Asena looked at Grandmother, then glanced at me.

“…I’ve spread rumors that expelling brother from the family… was bait to find those who weren’t loyal to us. And that the Payne family took that bait.”

“…It’s a bit clumsy.”

“Still, it’s better than nothing.”

“Yes, that’s true.”

Like this, the three of us appeared to be diligently preparing for war without any problems… but in truth, we were all desperately avoiding something.

Despite being a crucial topic, no one raised the question.

What would become of me?

Yes, I had taken Asena’s place as the head of the Praester family.

But that was only because there was no suitable person, and because it would be advantageous for the war. My becoming the head didn’t change my position on paper.

I still wasn’t a Praester. After being expelled, nothing had changed.

Everyone knew this fact.

Grandmother seemed to avoid the topic out of respect for my choice.

Asena seemed afraid of my answer, so she didn’t ask. Or perhaps, as she had said, she had given up on me, so she didn’t try to hold onto me.

And I…

“…Sigh.”

I let out a sigh. For now, I decided to focus on the war.

****

Upon hearing that Kirsy’s condition had worsened, I left the office and headed to her room.

“When you say worsened, what specifically do you mean?”

I asked the head butler, Tein, who was walking beside me.

“…Her strength has declined. She still… can’t speak. The physician is examining her now, so perhaps you should go and talk with him…”

I nodded.

When I entered Kirsy’s room, the physician was there as Tein had said.

He bowed to greet me.

But my eyes were fixed on Kirsy.

She waved at me with a smile on her gaunt face. It was heartbreaking to see her smile whenever she saw me, despite her weakened state.

I thought she had been improving recently… but to hear she’d worsened. This would start to worry Asena too.

Even Kirsy, who I thought was relatively healthy, was deteriorating like this.

“…Kirsy.”

I approached her bedside and looked at her with concern.

I didn’t know what to say.

I felt uncomfortable, as if my rejection of marriage to Judy and the sandwich had contributed to this situation.

Kirsy seemed embarrassed by my concern and scratched her cheek while smiling.

“…Hehe…”

I couldn’t bear to look at that smile.

Finally, I turned my gaze to the physician.

“…Is my sister… sick? Why isn’t she getting better…?”

The physician looked back and forth between Kirsy and me, then stood up.

He politely led me outside the room.

My heart sank at his behavior.

I wondered if she really was sick.

Only when Kirsy was out of earshot did the physician speak.

“Lady Kirsy’s current condition is… as you can see, not good.”

“…Yes, it appears so.”

“Her aphasia should be showing signs of improvement by now… but she still can’t speak.”

“……”

“Lord Caden, Kirsy is… still healthy. Physically, I mean. She’s slightly underweight, but it’s not a major concern. She has no cough, no fever, and says she has no specific discomfort.”

“…Then why…”

“…It’s similar to the reason she developed aphasia…”

The physician hesitated, then spoke in a hushed voice.

“…She’s still under tremendous stress. She’s suppressing great anger or sadness, or restraining her own desires. The current symptoms Lady Kirsy is showing… only appear in people who are hiding their true selves.”

“……”

“In simple terms, she’s developed a mental illness.”

I looked at Kirsy through the doorway. Our eyes met easily.

Kirsy had been watching me the whole time.

When I saw her face, I kept thinking of that pitiful smile.

That strained smile, accompanied by a nervous “hehehe.”

It was obvious she was sad without looking closely, but I never expected it would get this bad.

The physician continued explaining to me as I remained silent.

“…This can’t continue. If her mental illness deepens, it will lead to psychological disorders. Besides, it’s already affecting her physically. Her aphasia won’t improve either.”

“……”

“…She needs to be watched closely. Her condition is precarious.”

My heart ached more. Thinking about how she had been pushed to her limit and still had to smile.

…She still loves me so much. Yet out of guilt, she couldn’t reach out, instead smiling and accepting other women.

The physician continued.

“Aphasia shouldn’t last this long. Even if it improves, there might be aftereffects. Normally, it should have naturally improved by now… Perhaps she can speak but her mental illness is preventing her.”

“…So the aphasia should have improved by now… is that what you’re saying?”

“Yes. She should be able to say at least a word or two by now.”

After hearing that much, I walked back into the room.

I stopped by Kirsy’s bed and looked down at her.

She was still smiling.

I could feel the pain behind it.

I had to hold back a sigh that was about to escape in front of her.

…I pushed aside all distracting thoughts.

“…Kirsy.”

“…?”

“…Let’s go for a walk.”

I smiled forcibly, just like her. I pretended everything was fine, as if nothing had happened.

Kirsy’s eyes lit up with energy… then her body hesitated, and she made that laughing sound.

“…Hehehe…”

She waved her hands in refusal. She picked up a quill pen and paper from beside her and scribbled something.

Go with Daisy or Judy. Did dinner with Grandmother go well yesterday?

I looked at the paper she held up for a moment, then gently took it from her and tossed it behind me.

“Uh…?”

I leaned toward Kirsy, who was startled.

Then I slipped my arms under her back and legs and lifted her up.

“Huh?!”

I carried her out of the room. I knew what Kirsy liked.

After struggling briefly, Kirsy soon calmed down.

She seemed to know where I was heading.

I could tell she actually wanted this walk. Her resistance ended too easily.

Looking down at Kirsy, unlike her awkward smile from earlier, her lips were now turned downward as if she might cry.

But this was clearly her true self. An unhidden emotion.

Her face was as red as a radish, showing her shyness.

It felt both familiar and strange. But I too was finally feeling relieved.

It felt as if the pressure blocking my heart had been released. Even though I knew I shouldn’t do this if I wanted to push Kirsy away… why did this choice feel so right?

Soon we arrived at the stable.

The weather was perfect for a walk. Blue sky with white fluffy clouds. Cool breeze and just the right temperature.

Kirsy’s eyes were now glancing around at the scenery.

I asked the stable keeper to bring Rush.

Meanwhile, I looked down at Kirsy again.

When my gaze met hers, Kirsy buried her face in my chest, hiding her expression.

Perhaps because it had been a while. My hands were starting to sweat too.

“…Is there somewhere you want to go?”

Now that we were definitely going out, I asked Kirsy.

Kirsy remained still for a long time as if she wouldn’t answer… then slowly nodded.

As I thought, she wanted to go out.

“…Lake Aiden?”

Kirsy shook her head at my question.

“…River Lear?”

Again, she shook her head.

“…Then it must be Mels Plains.”

Only then did Kirsy nod.

Following her lead, I nodded too and said,

“…Yes. Many flowers must be in bloom.”

****

Rush galloped smoothly. I secretly stroked his mane, thanking him while Kirsy wasn’t looking.

Kirsy sat on Rush with both legs extended to the right side.

Unlike when I carried her from her room, now she was embracing me.

As if that was a signal, she was acting coquettishly with me like before.

Of course, one reason she was holding me so tightly was to avoid falling off Rush, but since Rush was running so smoothly… I could glimpse Kirsy’s feelings.

Soon we arrived at the familiar plains.

Since we usually walked here, the view from atop Rush was different.

I held Kirsy’s back to prevent her from falling as she kept her head buried against me, and told her to look around.

“Kirsy. Turn your head. We’ve arrived.”

She followed my words.

Flowers of all colors greeted us.

Even then, I was only looking at Kirsy. I couldn’t see the flowers, focusing only on the emotions blooming on her face.

Kirsy’s eyes slowly closed and opened repeatedly.

She didn’t exclaim with excitement like before.

She just blankly absorbed the beautiful scenery.

Even this change touched something in my heart.

-Thud.

I nudged Rush’s side and guided him to a large tree visible in the distance.

Kirsy and Asena usually liked to sit in the shade of that tree.

Butterflies. Dragonflies. Rabbits. Birds. Various creatures were moving about energetically.

Upon reaching the tree, we even spotted a squirrel holding an acorn with a silly expression.

Kirsy smiled slightly at the squirrel. It wasn’t awkward, nor did it hurt my heart.

I jumped off Rush first from under the shade.

Then I grabbed Kirsy’s waist and lifted her down.

Standing on the ground, Kirsy took a deep breath of the air. Watching her warmed my heart. She smiled and took a step.

…And immediately staggered.

Without hesitation, I picked her up again like before.

Once again, she was in my arms like a princess.

Kirsy blushed again. The smile that had appeared on her face disappeared, and she gradually took on a serious expression. With an apologetic look, she swallowed… then, as if embarrassed by her expression, buried her face in my chest again.

.

.

.

Until evening approached and the sunset began, Kirsy and I didn’t move at all.

I was sitting leaning against the tree, and Kirsy was sitting on my lap with her arms around my neck.

Somehow naturally, Kirsy was embracing my neck like a lover, and I wasn’t pushing her away.

But it was time to return now. I could only hope that some of her stress had been relieved.

“…Kirsy.”

For the first time after a long while, when I called her name, Kirsy looked up at me.

“…Were the flowers pretty?”

She nodded.

“…Yes. Let’s go back now.”

As I said that and stood up, Kirsy shook her head. She wanted to stay longer. She who had yielded everything recently… was now wanting something for herself.

And at her action, my body stiffened.

The strength entering my body naturally relaxed, and I looked at the setting sun.

Yes, just a little longer. Let’s stay just a little longer.

…How much more time had passed?

Now it was really getting late.

But… this time, what I wanted to ask wasn’t about going back.

It was a question.

I could no longer hold back this question from leaving my lips.

“…Kirsy.”

“……”

“…Does it really have to be me?”

Kirsy didn’t move. I couldn’t move either. I kept waiting to see how Kirsy’s head, resting against me, would shake.

But her head didn’t shake.

“…It has to be you.”

Because Kirsy had opened her mouth to speak.