Ch.118118. A Day.

The library was quiet. Only the sound of breathing and pens. The turning of pages just barely filled the still air.

Sometimes people would chat through messages, but even those conversations didn’t last long.

—Drip, drip.

In the thick silence where sense of date and time had disappeared, drops of blood intruded.

A red stain seeped onto the pure white paper.

“…Ah. This again.”

Was this punishment for overworking my brain in a way that wasn’t like me?

When I wiped my nose with the back of my hand, more red liquid came away.

My body would send signals like this whenever I buried myself in work and focused too intensely.

Habitual nosebleeds weren’t a good thing, but…

It was familiar, like the various wounds I’d gotten while wandering through ruins.

“Use this.”

There was no way I could maintain concentration in this situation.

Knowing this, Robot broke the long silence and spoke up.

I thanked him and closed my book, pressing the handkerchief he offered against the bridge of my nose.

“I should rest a bit.”

I roughly organized my messy desk and laid my head down. My eyes felt sore and strained.

My whole body felt exhausted. Was it because blood had rushed to my head, or because I’d been eating carelessly?

Though my body was still, I felt dizzy, as if everything was spinning.

“Ugh…”

The fatigue I’d been able to ignore while concentrating now arrived and pounded through my entire body.

The weight of accumulated exhaustion felt heavier than my own body weight. A groan escaped me involuntarily.

“At least the books are written in a language I can read. What would I have done if they were in another language?”

This was how bad it was just trying to acquire knowledge through books in my native language.

What if I’d had to learn a completely unfamiliar language on top of this?

I probably would have given up on the future of the world and people’s lives, or maybe my brain wouldn’t have been able to handle it and I would have died?

I closed my eyes with a small laugh, imagining my head boiling and then—pop—bursting.

The library where all sound disappeared just by pausing my hand for a moment.

A silence so thick I could hear my own heartbeat.

My body trembled despite there being no reason to feel cold.

The terrible loneliness had summoned a familiar coldness from my memories.

That’s why I’d brought a blanket even though it wasn’t cold.

When I wrapped myself in the thick blanket, the loneliness lessened somewhat.

“This is hard…”

Is there anything more painful and meaningless than unrewarded hardship?

Learning theories I’d never known before and solving problems I couldn’t touch before had been somewhat enjoyable. But compared to the painful hours, those moments of achievement were truly fleeting.

This was what I’d chosen despite all the suffering, and I had no regrets.

But just because I didn’t regret something didn’t mean it wasn’t difficult.

Would things have been different if I had a strong mind and positive self-image enough to affirm everything in my life, including the physical pain and fatigue?

“I’ve said this several times already, but wouldn’t it be better if you took it easy?”

“Well…”

Robot seemed worried about my condition and urged me to slow down.

But looking at the numerous books still behind me, I simply couldn’t.

In a life where you don’t know when you’ll die, shouldn’t you at least accomplish what you’ve committed to before dying?

“You know that sometimes taking things step by step is more effective, Mori. Rushing too much will only break you.”

Even trains that follow fixed tracks can derail when they go too fast.

Not to mention humans who have to travel paths invisible to the eye.

Humans wander as long as they have aspirations.

When wandering is added to a life already full of suffering, the mind collapses.

When the mind collapses and only a shell remains, humans lose everything—creation and destruction, regret and love.

What state was I in now? Did I still have anything left to lose?

“…”

There was no need for lengthy contemplation.

The very act of worrying like this was proof that I still had something left.

After pondering in darkness where nothing was visible, I slowly raised my upper body.

“How long have we been here?”

“It’s been 20 days.”

“20 days…”

Nearly three weeks had passed.

There was no one to eat face-to-face with anyway. I even had Robot bring my meals here, so except for visiting the infirmary for treatment and then falling asleep exhausted, I’d lived only in the library.

I’d fallen asleep at my desk far more often than in my bed.

Studying was the only thing I could do without feeling lonely.

Since I had nothing in my head and had to learn from the basics, the pile of books I’d finished reading had grown higher than expected.

But as Robot said, I couldn’t go on like this forever.

I still had a long way to go. To gain sufficient knowledge, I’d need to stay here for at least a few years, maybe even decades.

I’d only just climbed the first part of a staircase that extended beyond sight, and I was already getting tired.

“There’s nothing good about rushing too much.”

I decided to put down the pen I was holding. Only when the pen that had been practically stuck to my bandaged fingers came off did I feel like I could breathe again.

Though I was the one holding the pen, it was as if the pen had captured me.

“Shall I take you outside?”

“Please. Let’s take it a bit easier like you said. Even if I slow down a bit, it’s better than not being able to walk at all.”

The Doctor Robot already asks to perform a mental evaluation every time he sees me.

I’ve been putting it off with the excuse of being busy, but the results are obvious.

If he didn’t need a diagnosis to prescribe treatment, the number of pills I take daily would have doubled.

Being cooped up all day reading books in this situation would clearly make things worse.

I was broken, but I didn’t want to go insane.

More precisely, I didn’t want to die waiting for death while denying and forgetting everything I wanted to do, wrapped in regret and pain.

That would be the most terrible death in this world.

“Hey… if someone who’s already crazy goes even crazier, would they return to normal?”

“If you’re curious, why don’t you try punching your leg and see if it returns to normal or not?”

“…Are you angry?”

“A little bit.”

After being scolded by Robot for my nonsensical remark, I went outside for the first time in a while.

Though nothing special, seeing the bright corridor made me feel a bit better.

The library was dark except around the desks, probably to preserve the books longer.

“Every day, you should get some fresh air, eat properly, and have fun like today. Understood?”

“I’ll try.”

“Is ‘trying’ really the right word here?”

Leaving the dark place, moving my body lightly.

Watching beautiful flowers and trees swaying in the wind.

Eating delicious food and enjoying things I once liked.

Just doing these simple things cleared my gloomy head somewhat.

The message window, which had been quite quiet while I had my head buried in books, became bustling again after a long time.

“Not bad.”

“Right?”

“Yeah.”

I smiled slightly at the messages from kind people who seemed to enjoy making small talk and sometimes worried about me.

Not bad.

But if asked whether it was enjoyable, I wasn’t sure.

Playing well-made games on devices I’d never used before in my life.

Watching movies with plenty to see and substantial content still felt lacking somewhere.

Defeating enemies. Reaching the goal within a set time. Collecting special items.

The fact that I couldn’t enjoy short-term goals and immediate rewards as I used to—

Was it because I no longer felt any value in those processes?

“Continuing to like what you like forever is difficult too.”

The values humans feel change moment by moment.

If there’s still something precious and enjoyable despite those changes—

I belatedly realized how grateful that is.

“I’m glad at least you all enjoy it.”

As I said it wasn’t bad, I don’t dislike this time.

People who see future movies or games they would never have seen through me enjoyed whatever I did.

Their enjoyment was transmitted to me, allowing my stiffening mouth corners to turn upward.

Moreover, by resting and cooling my overheated brain, I could think more broadly.

And I could feel that what I had chosen to do was more valuable.

While doing boring tasks, I often wondered if I should be doing this when there was still so much to learn.

But saying I have to do it before I die also means I only have to do it before I die.

So I could probably use a little time for myself.

“For a while, take the medication I’ve prescribed. I’ll also tell you the appropriate sleep schedule for you as a patient, so take only one nap at the designated time.”

“Yes…”

When I said I would live somewhat regularly, if not perfectly, Robot took me to the doctor.

As a doctor, he seemed displeased with my recent behavior and lectured me for quite some time. He talked so much my ears hurt.

Still, when I left, I received a doctor-approved healthy diet and daily schedule, so it wasn’t a losing deal.

…Though I’m not sure if I’ll follow it well.