Ch.11337. I Don’t Peek at the Future (2)

A small incense burner made entirely of brass.

The base was wide like a round table, with a central pillar as slender as a flower stem or plant stalk, and at the top, it expanded again into a rounded cup-like shape.

The inside was hollow like a vessel that could hold something, though not particularly deep.

Gray ash was spread across the bottom and smoothed flat.

On top of the flattened ash, powder scraped from incense wood was gathered, molded into a small mound like a hill, and a spark was placed at the peak as if lighting a fire on a mountaintop.

The powder began to burn from the top down, releasing pale smoke and a deep, subtle fragrance that wafted upward.

When the copper lid was placed back on, it created a scene as if the fragrance was emerging from between flower petals.

“Judging by the determination in your eyes, it seems you’ve made up your mind.”

“……”

Gazef, who had made his home in the cave, lit the incense burner for his late visitor and handed him a cup of herbal brew.

Kariel took it and gazed intently at the dark herbal dregs floating in the small wooden cup.

“Don’t eat those.”

“……”

The heated liquid was too hot to gulp down quickly, and being told not to eat or remove the dregs made him sip even more slowly.

There was no particular reason to consume it quickly, so Kariel calmly moistened his lips, wetting his tongue and teeth, and letting the liquid warm his throat.

“So, have you decided where you’re going?”

“I’m still considering that.”

Going straight to the Empire wouldn’t make sense.

But then again, it wasn’t like he had anywhere else to go.

He had considered staying holed up here until he was certain.

“For now, I plan to visit the places Mines needs to go to first.”

“Is that so?”

Gazef didn’t press further.

Despite Kariel having stayed here for so long, the number of times they had faced each other, let alone had serious conversations like this, could be counted on one hand.

Perhaps Kariel’s own lack of leisure time was partly to blame.

“By the way, I enjoyed that meal you gave me before. It certainly helped strengthen my body.”

“Are you bringing up something from a year ago just now? Don’t be so formal. When an elder gives you something, you just say ‘thank you’ and feel grateful in your heart at that moment. If you expressed gratitude for every single thing you ate, when would you sleep, when would you hunt? When would you find a mate?”

“……”

Though he was a beastman, his physique was far from ordinary.

While not quite a giant, his build was uniquely intimidating compared to humans and other common races.

Since ancient times, beastmen had valued self-control and discipline as both a belief and religious doctrine.

As a result, they often adhered more strictly to forms, ceremonies, traditions, and formalities than humans did.

It was their desperate effort to maintain harmony and suppress unnecessary conflicts by constantly controlling themselves.

However, for powerful beastmen, restraining their emotions, impulses, and instincts was no easy task.

After all.

Even among beastmen, there were plenty who wondered why they should treat those who were merely food as equals or as beings with personhood.

Why should we live in harmony with nature? Why should we respect it?

In Gazef’s case, he was a deer—a cervine beastman—which meant he was relatively more accepting of such principles.

But did that mean he had a nature-friendly and peaceful disposition?

Absolutely not.

“Since we’re on the topic, when do you plan to find a mate, old man?”

“Me? Do I need one? I don’t think there’s anyone who could handle me.”

He seems aware of his own intensity.

“I did have someone once. It almost caused problems because she wasn’t of my kind… Anyway, I have no plans for now. But you’re different, aren’t you? All those girls following you must be burning with desire, and you’re irresponsibly neglecting them? A man neglecting women is worse than failing to provide for himself. If they’re not your mates, other men might set their eyes on them. Possessing them without touching them is beyond irresponsible—it’s a proper crime.”

“……”

Burning with desire?

And possessing without touching is a crime?

The expression was extremely exaggerated and explicit, but the entire premise was wrong to begin with.

“I don’t have that kind of relationship with them.”

“Thrusting, pounding, and releasing leads to children all the same, so what do you mean you don’t? Is something wrong with you down there? Or is something wrong with them?”

“…That’s not what I meant.”

“As females, they’re of good quality. If I were human and had human aesthetic sensibilities, neglecting them would be a sin in itself. Both males and females suffer less when they bear children young. Giving birth is secondary.”

It seems I brought up an unfortunate topic.

This is beyond making a mountain out of a molehill.

“And raising them takes even more effort. Hunting for food every day, protecting and maintaining your territory. Driving away competitors. Teaching survival skills so the offspring can become independent. Humans already have short lifespans and don’t bear many children, right? You should have at least two or three before the first digit of your age changes to 2.”

“……”

“At your age, wouldn’t it be normal to have two or three children already? In your father’s time, they were all busy fighting that accursed Demon Lord and his followers, so they hardly had the leisure… but even then, they all managed to mate properly.”

“Haa.”

I’m starting to wonder if this is a lecture or just rambling.

“Aristetis also shows interest in you and can barely contain her burning desire. Stop testing the waters and accept her quickly.”

“I’m telling you, it’s not like that.”

“What do you mean it’s not? It’s a man’s duty to fulfill a woman’s desires. What’s so difficult about it? Just soothe her and put some water in. Why assign so much meaning to something that takes only a few minutes?”

“…Is ‘fulfilling’ limited only to mating?”

“When you mate, you become mates. That way, whether it’s two, three, or four of you, everyone can live fulfilling lives by dedicating themselves to each other. Isn’t that wonderful? Trust doesn’t begin in the heart but in physical contact. Do you think we who were called heroes and champions got along from the start? Even the Emperor and your father were at each other’s throats, pointing swords at each other’s necks and hearts over the holy sword… Isn’t this quite a famous story? Didn’t you know?”

“……”

Those two who were closer than friends, almost like brothers?

It was shocking, or rather, absurd.

More than that.

If what he said was true, life would be quite simple if one could just go around poking and prodding irresponsibly.

No. Come to think of it, perhaps the doctrines were established precisely because so many lived that way.

Otherwise, there would be unprecedented chaos by human society’s standards.

Kariel himself didn’t need to adhere to Irenis’s doctrine of being with only one woman, and only crossing the line after marriage.

He wasn’t in a position to be bound by such things.

However.

“I don’t have the luxury for that right now.”

“Luxury is something you create. If you want to do it, what’s stopping you? It’s for mutual pleasure. Do you know why males and females throughout history have been desperate to get together? Because once you try it, it feels so good. This is truly divine grace. The one equality without discrimination among plants, insects, beasts, and humans is the right to create life. Come on, tell me. Am I wrong?”

“……”

Why had the topic suddenly turned in this direction?

On reflection, mentioning this subject in the first place was probably his biggest mistake.

Come to think of it, when he first encountered Gazef here, didn’t he openly treat Kariel and Ases as a married couple?

It was extremely embarrassing.

When Kariel insisted they weren’t married, Gazef questioned if they were just physically enjoying each other, arguing that they’d end up as a couple anyway if a child was conceived. It was enough to make his brain rattle.

“If you’re still unsure, try it and then decide.”

“…I’ll pass.”

Being straightforward about romance or lovers, or deliberately avoiding it…

Being human and male, Kariel wasn’t completely devoid of such awareness, but still.

“……”

Liking someone means making yourself vulnerable.

It makes you more susceptible to betrayal.

Having been stabbed in the heart by family and those he believed were comrades, if not lovers…

It wasn’t easy for him to open his heart to anything.

And when he finally faced such a result.

He didn’t want to be disappointed.

“You used to be such a nice person. You were so young and cheeky back then, telling all the pretty girls your age that you’d make them your wife. Then you’d say that older sister was your girlfriend too! You even went up to married women and said you’d make them your wife.”

“I… I did that?”

“I remember it clearly. You really don’t remember at all, do you? You were quite a sight back then. You didn’t discriminate by race either.”

“……”

Was this a migraine or dizziness?

His head felt painful and dizzy for a moment.

“You even told that Asserath that if she had nowhere to go, she could stick by your side and live with you. Isn’t that why she’s still clinging to you now?”

“……”

“It wasn’t?”

Why was he snorting so seriously, as if facing an unexpected situation?

Kariel had a feeling that some absurd misunderstanding was becoming fixed in a different sense.

No, it might already be far too late.

“When a male acts clueless, the female gets furious. Haven’t you been slapped?”

He hadn’t been slapped.

…He had merely almost had his head cut off by a sword.

“No, I really…”

Don’t know about this.

How socially adept was I in the past?

No, this seems beyond mere social adeptness?

Was I really taken as a hostage? Or did I volunteer to go, wanting to legally see other countries under the guise of travel?

“……”

That makes sense?

Based on the information I’ve gathered so far, it seemed plausible.

“Alright, let’s end this topic here. You don’t seem to have concerns in that area anyway, and I’m not particularly interested either.”

“……”

Is it finally over?

The topic had been somewhat embarrassing, and he hadn’t even finished drinking the medicine.

It was easier to drink now that it had cooled, but the bitterness of the herbs seemed more pronounced as a result.

“For what purpose are you trying to build your skills so extremely? I’ve been wondering whether to ask this… I only heard the rumors from outside when I went out briefly recently.”

“……”

“What on earth did you get involved with to be falsely accused like that?”

False accusation, huh.

“I wonder.”

Can it really be called a false accusation?

“It can’t be because of that girl with the Demon Lord’s power.”

“…It’s not easy to explain, and even if I did, the story would be very long. Even then, I couldn’t tell you with certainty.”

“What’s so complicated? That’s why you can’t even handle one female now. To become a true male, you really need to experience it once, I’m telling you.”

“……”

“Ask Asserath or Mines. Either of them would agree without hesitation.”

What is he suggesting I ask for?

I understand his point, but discussing it so casually… is it because he’s not human, or is it just his personality?

“I don’t think something like that would change a person.”

In the first place.

Whether I do it or not doesn’t matter much right now.

Desire, or craving.

The biggest flaw might be that such feelings don’t arise at all.

Although it’s said to be a world born of dreams and consciousness, like an illusion.

I’ve lived more lives in those dreams and conscious worlds than in reality.

Perhaps that’s why.

“I understand that your consciousness and mind are becoming like nature itself, making your emotions fade… but if you think that’s real, you’re completely mistaken.”

Nature, on the contrary.

“Has extremely rich emotions. Even desires and cravings.”

“…?”

“But they’re not as diverse as those of living beings like us.”

Isn’t that it?

“In this area, some plants that can’t receive sunlight parasitize other trees or capture living creatures to sustain themselves.”

And some plants.

“…burn down forests, as if saying, ‘If I’m going to die, you’re coming with me.'”

“What? What did you say?”

“It’s not a lie. Such plants exist.”

This is what nature is, you see.

“We express various desires and emotions, but theirs are unidirectional. It’s hard to explain, but they also feel joy, sadness, and fear like we do.”

“……”

“But those beings with predetermined lives change their temperament and ecology by dying and living hundreds, thousands, perhaps even more times. What was once a simple weed might suddenly cause even great trees to sicken or burn, and sometimes attract pests to weaken competing trees.”

Look.

“This is life. But the dead don’t speak. Do you think rocks are dead? Living rocks and dead rocks have completely different vitality. Their hardness differs too. Dead rocks are easily broken and split, but living rocks are hard and even tough.”

“…That sounds somewhat unbelievable.”

“You should be able to recognize that much now, shouldn’t you? I guess it’s been outside your interest until now.”

“……”

“Live with vitality. If you want to live.”

Even if you’re heading toward death.

“Don’t deny that you’re alive. Isn’t it better to be able to think later that you were glad to have been born, rather than just having been born?”

“……”

It’s good advice.

Words that penetrate deep into the heart.

But.

There’s one thing you don’t know.

“……”

I’m not killing or eliminating my emotions.

Rather, it’s because my emotions are abundant that I’ve been able to endure until now.

It’s just that those emotions are fundamentally close to anger.

I’m not killing my emotions.

I…

…am only killing my anger.

To avoid unleashing this emotion on innocent people.

To avoid making mistakes because of it.

I…

“Thank you for your kind words.”

“You say that with a face that shows they didn’t resonate with you.”

Gazef snorted but slightly raised his bright eyes with a somewhat regretful and bitter expression.

Since he was similar to humans yet different, it was a bit confusing to interpret his expression.

…But when seen with the heart rather than the eyes.

Everything becomes clear.

“No, I’m genuinely grateful.”

There isn’t a single lie in these words.

But just because I’m grateful.

It doesn’t mean that advice, encouragement, concern, and comfort can be a welcome rain in my heart.

Will such a day ever come?

I don’t know.

To let go of my heart, to rely on someone, to entrust myself…

Even though I could just surrender it all.

“……”

If I collapse like that once.

Will I ever be able to rise again? To recover?

…My deliberation on this matter ended long ago when I rejected Alesia’s kindness.

Therefore, nothing changes.

There’s no room for wavering.

Nevertheless.

“As you said, I hope a day comes when I can thank someone for being born.”

If such a day comes.

I will gladly, repeatedly express my gratitude.