Ch.111Befitting a Praester (4)

Kirsy was silently crying under her blanket.

She struggled desperately not to let her body tremble, not to let out involuntary moans, as tears fell silently one after another.

It was strange. She couldn’t understand how she could feel this way.

While feeling an overwhelming happiness that made it hard to breathe knowing Caden was alive…

She also felt utterly pathetic. Within that wretchedness, she gained a new realization.

…For the first time in her life, she realized she wasn’t worthy of Caden.

Since he had been by her side her entire life, she had arrogantly thought of him as hers.

Until things went wrong, she believed his place naturally belonged to her because she had spent the most time with him, and he had cherished and adored her the most.

Not realizing he had only given her a place beside him as a sister… she had inappropriately guarded against and pushed away anyone who tried to claim the position of his lover.

All this time, she had only thought her place was being taken away. Whenever Caden looked at someone else with tender eyes, she thought they were stealing what belonged to her.

Even when she later realized her romantic feelings for him, she thought she only needed to overcome the difficult barrier of being his sister.

But now she finally understood.

None of that mattered.

From the beginning, she wasn’t even worthy of aspiring to the place beside him.

His love was never meant for her. It couldn’t be.

In any case, people always find someone who matches them.

They find someone of their own caliber.

Kirsy had overlooked this.

Being by Caden’s side made her so happy that she had just forcibly clung to him.

Comparing herself to Judy, Kirsy felt nothing but defeat.

Herself, who had driven Caden to death… and Judy, who had saved him.

Herself, who had always been hostile toward Judy… and Judy, who still worried about her and asked if there was anything she could do for her.

Herself, who had only collapsed and cried… and Judy, who had stood up and taken action.

…Everything she had going for her was only what had been given to her.

Being born as the legitimate daughter. Coincidentally meeting Caden from childhood. Building intimacy with him through that.

Beyond that, she had nothing to show for herself.

From the beginning, even without the obstacle of being his sister… she realized she wasn’t a suitable match for Caden.

Ironically, the relationship she thought was an obstacle—being his sister—was actually her greatest weapon.

Because if she hadn’t been his sister, he wouldn’t have looked twice at someone as pathetic as her.

Even if she were in his position, she would choose Judy, who shone brightly and stood by his side.

As a woman, she was simply inadequate for Caden.

Realizing this fact made her heart ache terribly.

Even while being grateful that he was alive, she felt such pain at the same time.

She was disgusted with herself for not immediately thanking Judy for saving him.

Because even in that moment, she had hoped Judy and Caden wouldn’t become close.

But she only thought such things in her heart.

She did have some sense of decency.

So, even when she heard that Caden had become friendly with Judy again… she suppressed her dislike and congratulated them.

Kirsy touched her throat.

When she first lost her voice, she had no thoughts about it. She wasn’t shocked or scared.

She didn’t need her voice anyway.

Without Caden, she had no intention of talking to anyone.

But now that Caden had returned…

The loss of her voice was painfully bitter. She was afraid it might never return.

Even in all this… she couldn’t give up on Caden. If only her voice would return so she could at least try.

She couldn’t say anything at all.

When Caden appeared before her, she cried profusely and tried to say sorry hundreds of times, but could only babble incoherently.

And that she loved him. That she loved him madly. That she begged him not to leave her side again… but even that wouldn’t come out as words.

It was so frustrating.

Now Judy, who wasn’t even competition anymore, could talk and laugh with him.

While she, in her wretchedness, had lost even the means to convey her feelings.

She couldn’t express these feelings in writing. She wanted to tell him verbally somehow.

Kirsy shed tears again at the sense of loss.

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“Kirsy, let’s get up.”

Kirsy could hear that the servants had brought food for Caden.

She kept wiping her eyes under the blanket, erasing traces of tears.

When Caden approached and shook her again, Kirsy reluctantly peeked her face out from under the blanket.

Caden hesitated when he saw her face. Kirsy noticed that he had noticed.

She didn’t know how much of a mess her face was… but in truth, her brother would have noticed even if she had wiped away all traces well.

“……”

Caden didn’t say anything else upon seeing her. He pretended not to notice.

…Quite selfishly, Kirsy realized she had wanted him to care.

She had wiped her eyes so thoroughly because she wanted him not to know, but now that he was pretending not to notice, she wanted to lean on him.

But Kirsy blinked glumly. She didn’t deserve it anyway.

Even this moment was a blessing. An unbelievable blessing.

Recalling the fact that she might never have met him again brought her to the verge of tears.

She had to be… grateful for this moment.

Caden brought two bowls of rice porridge and handed one to Kirsy.

Kirsy carefully accepted the bowl.

“…Eat.”

He said. Though their relationship had changed… she felt like he was treating her less warmly, but Kirsy could still sense the feelings hidden in his tone.

So she nodded and received the bowl with her heavy arm.

Immediately after, Caden went around the bed and pulled a chair next to Asena, their older sister, and sat down.

Kirsy slowly rolled her eyes to look at Caden.

Caden, aware of Kirsy’s gaze, said:

“…Kirsy. Just eat. Stop looking at me.”

Kirsy nodded and scooped up a spoonful of food.

After taking her eyes off him for a moment… she wanted to see him again.

Kirsy secretly rolled her eyes again to look at Caden.

The Caden she saw was… making a pained face.

Sitting next to Asena, he was looking down at her with an expression of such agony.

Kirsy felt like she might cry for some reason. It was heartwarming that he still cared about them.

She felt numb rather than happy…

Caden heaved a deep sigh.

As if he had cast aside his hesitation, he moved his hand.

Then he gently stroked Asena’s forehead.

…Kirsy saw the gentle brother she had known for so long. He had returned to his familiar self after such a long time.

“…Asena.”

He carefully called his sister’s name, moving his hand gently from her forehead to her cheek.

“…Your brother didn’t die… so get better and be healthy.”

“……”

Caden scooped food onto the spoon and brought it to Asena’s lips.

He tried to open Asena’s lips with his other hand.

Asena’s jaw wouldn’t open easily. It was as if her body was instinctively rejecting food.

“…Eat, Asena. Let’s eat.”

As if Asena could hear him, Caden continued to coax her in a warm tone.

Kirsy blankly watched from the side.

Whether she had heard his words or not, on Caden’s second attempt, Asena’s mouth opened more easily.

Caden put the soft porridge into her mouth.

“…Just swallow. You can do it, Asena.”

But right after, Asena began to cough.

“Cough..! Cough…!”

The food he had carefully put in flowed back out along her lips.

Caden wiped Asena’s cheek with an even more distressed expression.

Caden clenched and unclenched his fist, restless.

“…This won’t do… Asena… this won’t do…”

He lowered his head, hiding his expression.

He remained motionless in that state for a long time.

Kirsy’s heart wavered as she watched him. Looking at him still only made her feel love.

It seemed like he was the only one who would worry about them like this.

She hated herself for being so greedy.

Though she had never wanted anything besides Caden, Kirsy now realized that wanting Caden itself was greed.

Caden raised himself up.

Then, slowly supporting Asena’s back, he lifted her upper body.

Kirsy watched him and offered her hand to help.

“…Kirsy. It’s okay. Don’t strain yourself. Take care of your health first.”

Then Caden wedged himself behind Asena.

Even in this situation, Kirsy was startled by his proximity, and her heart began to race.

Caden, who had gotten into the bed, laid Asena down again.

With Asena between his legs, he slightly twisted his body and carefully cradled her head in the crook of his arm.

Then with his free hand, he scooped up porridge again and gently coaxed her while feeding her.

“…Asena, it’ll be easier to eat now. Come on, say ‘ah’ once more.”

Caden’s spoon pried open Asena’s mouth. Unlike before, her mouth opened easily now.

Caden carefully poured the food into her mouth again.

This time Asena didn’t cough.

Perhaps because her upper body was inclined, making it easier to swallow, the porridge disappeared into Asena’s mouth.

“Good job… good job…”

Once she swallowed the food without difficulty, Caden exhaled in relief, lowered his head, and pressed his lips to Asena’s forehead.

It seemed like his restrictions on showing affection were gradually loosening.

Perhaps because Asena was asleep, he was showing his usual affection.

In any case, watching this, Kirsy… envied Asena terribly.

Her childish and greedy self stirred again.

She begged herself to stay still just this once, but her arm could no longer hold the spoon.

She wanted to feel that he was alive. She wanted the warmth of him that she had missed so much.

Caden, unaware of this, was still taking care of Asena.

“…Good job, Asena. Let’s eat more. That’s right.”

As if Asena could hear him, Caden continued to speak to her in a warm tone.

Kirsy blankly watched from the side.

Whether she had heard his words or not, Asena now accepted food without resistance in Caden’s arms, despite having been unable to properly swallow food for dozens of days.

It was as if Caden was the key to her body.

Despite her own bowl getting cold, Kirsy simply couldn’t pick up her spoon.

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“…Phew.”

The bowl showed its bottom. Though it wasn’t much to begin with… there was still a quiet sense of relief that Asena had eaten all the food.

For now, however I want to treat Asena, that’s something I’ll decide after she wakes up.

No brother would leave her alone in this state, where she might pass away from weakness.

I finish the meal, wiping her lips with my finger.

In any case, she looked admirable, and being in my arms, my actions came naturally like before.

“….”

Looking down at her lying in my arms, I unconsciously stroked her cheek with the back of my hand.

Suddenly, I realize that I don’t think about my siblings in a normal way either. I do put in quite a bit of effort. And I can’t easily withdraw my feelings for them.

“…Good job. Let’s eat like this tomorrow too.”

After whispering to Asena one last time, I carefully lifted her body.

I got out of the bed and laid her back down.

“……”

Then I raised my head.

Something I hadn’t noticed well because my back was turned to Kirsy.

Kirsy was sitting with her head slightly lowered, just holding her bowl.

There was still a lot of food left in her bowl.

Worried about her as much as Asena, I asked. I felt embarrassed that I only just noticed.

“…What’s wrong, Kirsy? No appetite?”

Kirsy slightly raised her head to look at me, then lowered it again.

She raised her head again as if she wanted to say something… but with her aphasia, there was no way she could speak to me.

I approached her, going around the bed, as she opened her mouth and closed it again.

“…Can’t eat?”

Kirsy shook her head.

“…Then why?”

Kirsy glanced at me once more, lowered her head… then handed me the bowl with trembling hands.

“……”

And then, as if she felt shameless, she kept her head down.

The accident that happened to me had clearly brought many changes to Kirsy.

Seeing how carefully she even made this childish request to be fed, it was obvious.

Of course, the change in our relationship played a part, but congratulating me on my relationship with Judy, and reactions like this, everything had changed.

How afraid must she be of being rejected by me for her hands to tremble like this? Or perhaps she doesn’t feel entitled to ask for this favor?

“…..”

I couldn’t be cruel enough in this moment to turn away my sister who had aphasia just because she loved me.

Looking at her cold food, many thoughts crossed my mind. How much must she love me to have waited for me until her food got cold?

Once again, I pulled a nearby chair and sat next to Kirsy.

Kirsy startled at my action. Her expression showed she hadn’t expected me to accept her childish request.

I scooped up a spoonful of porridge and brought it to her lips.

Now Kirsy stared intently at my eyes rather than the food, with an expression crossing many emotions.

“…Stop looking at me and eat, Kirsy.”

At my words, as if coming to her senses, Kirsy slowly moved. She opened her small mouth and took in the spoon.

While she swallowed the food, I prepared the next spoonful.

And waiting, I made eye contact with her for a long time.

A grown sister who would only eat if I fed her. Would a normal brother find this annoying?

…If that’s the case, I was definitely not normal.

As she swallowed the food with a gulp, I brought the next spoonful to her lips.

This time, unlike before, she didn’t space out but opened her mouth to take in the food.

“…If you could eat this well, you should have taken better care of yourself before getting to this state.”

“……”

She couldn’t speak. She just kept swallowing the porridge.

After feeding her three or four spoonfuls.

As I scooped the next spoonful and looked at Kirsy.

Her mouth gradually slowed down… and a tear fell.

“Ah…? Uu…?”

At that tear, even Kirsy herself seemed surprised. She quickly wiped away her tears while letting out a voice she had tried not to make.

I don’t know why, but even I felt choked up. I tried my hardest not to show it.

Feeling sorry for her played a part too.

I pretended not to see her tears and held up the spoon.

“…Here.”

Kirsy also sniffled, wiped her tears, and opened her mouth. She seemed to be trying to calm down too.

“…You need to get healthy.”

I said lightly. The purpose was to change the atmosphere.

“………”

“………”

“…Hic…”

And those words ended up making Kirsy, who had been holding back, cry.