Ch.107Chapter 18. A Certain Emotion (3)

I feel strange.

It feels awkward somehow, yet simultaneously so natural.

The reason it feels awkward is because I’ve been away from here for too long. Just yesterday, I couldn’t even properly lay out a blanket on the floor to sleep.

The reason why the five magical girls were constantly doing things and chatting was because this place is usually too quiet.

There was a road, but compared to highways, very few vehicles passed by. Perhaps it became a road that people no longer needed to use after other major roads were built nearby. With hardly any people passing through, perhaps the village was naturally abandoned.

But here, the situation was completely opposite.

There’s no need to worry about dust. The teacher and the children who live here clean diligently and regularly. Any parts that were too old or dirty were replaced with new products and parts, and everything was thoroughly inspected.

I’m not sure exactly how it’s being operated, but it was clearly a place that showed excellent use of the donation money I had earned.

Additionally, it’s not as quiet as a mountain at midnight.

The number of children staying at the orphanage, including Jieun and Jihye, is just over thirty. Among them, Jihye and Jieun are the oldest, with five middle school students, and the rest are elementary school and kindergarten children.

Not all thirty of them live like family. Thirty isn’t a particularly large number, but it’s not exactly small either.

Usually, they tend to hang out with children close to their own age, so the range of “friends” forms something of a gradient according to age groups.

“You’re here.”

As I scratched my head and followed Rose out, a passing kid said that. He was a middle school boy, not quite old enough to be called a “young man” yet.

When he was in elementary school, he used to cling to me almost desperately, but from the moment he entered middle school, our interaction suddenly stopped.

I understand. When I was in elementary school, I played quite well with girls, but after entering middle school, I became self-conscious and embarrassed, and those relationships broke off.

I regretted it terribly later.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

Looking at the boy who greeted me as if I had just stepped out briefly this morning and returned, I couldn’t think of what else to say, so I just answered like that.

“Unnie!”

And there were children who came running while shouting like that.

The children who grabbed my pants and looked up at me were lower elementary school kids.

I used to take care of them occasionally when they were younger. No matter how much money the facility had to operate, there were never enough teachers, and they couldn’t just bring in anyone to work.

Sometimes it’s better to have an older child from the same orphanage help out.

Perhaps that’s why these kids liked me. In truth, they were probably closer to Jihye than to me, but I had been away for quite a long time.

Seeing how the children who weren’t visible when I arrived here with the magical girls earlier were now flocking around me, it seemed the teacher thought it was okay to let them approach now.

“Unnie, where did you go?”

“Unnie, are you really a magical girl?”

As I patted the heads of the kids who clung to me with bright smiles, I understood why they had been clinging to Rose.

When I was young living in this world, magical girls were characters that only appeared in cartoons, but now they exist in reality. Just because real magical girls have appeared doesn’t mean the cartoon series that were already being made have disappeared.

For these reasons, being a magical girl is an aspired profession for many people. Regardless of reality, what people see is only the manufactured image.

I was a bit worried about what people might think because of recent events, but judging by the children’s reactions, it seems the image hasn’t been damaged that much.

When I went to the dining hall, the other magical girls were helping out too. They were serving food to the children in the cafeteria and, though somewhat troubled, answering questions from the chattering children who stuck close to them.

By comparison, I don’t seem to be quite as popular.

Well, the duration of our activities is different. Strictly speaking, I only became a “magical girl” today. For a new character, isn’t it enough just to avoid rejection?

“You’re working hard.”

“Ah, um, not at all.”

When I went up to Ju-a with my tray, she responded with slight embarrassment.

Ju-a must be quite popular too, right?

Actually, I don’t know much about the objective popularity of magical girls.

The only magical girl I was interested in was originally Hayun, and at school, Hayun and Ju-a didn’t hang out together that often.

I’ve never heard a specific reason, but it makes sense that if several magical girls moved around together, the school corridors would become impossibly crowded.

But unlike peers who approach them thinking about how to get close to that power, the children here don’t know how to calculate such things. They’re mostly just little kids.

“Come on, children. Let’s eat first. The unnies are tired.”

The teacher gently coaxed the children away, putting trays in their hands.

Ju-a’s gaze shifted toward my waist. The children who had been holding onto me already had their trays, so unlike the other magical girls, there wasn’t a single child clinging to me at the moment.

“I used to live here, so…”

When I said that, Ju-a nodded as if she understood.

They must find this situation difficult in many ways.

This isn’t just an ordinary house; it’s an orphanage. I can roughly see what these magical girls, full of a sense of justice even if their directions differ, might be thinking.

They’re helping out like this because they simply can’t sit still.

I did feel a bit guilty about not being more active when everyone else was working hard, but honestly, my body felt completely drained.

It seems the fatigue won’t be released all at once.

I received my food on a tray and sat down anywhere in the cafeteria.

Jihye and Hayun sat on either side of me. Other children sat around us, giggling.

The place that had been deathly quiet when I visited last time is now filled with children’s laughter. At least that was reassuring.

It’s been so long since I’ve had a properly cooked meal. To be honest, the food here wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t as delicious as what you’d eat outside.

“…”

The speed of my spoon movements gradually increased. I hadn’t realized how comforting it is to eat a meal with peace of mind.

Do I deserve this? Do I, who arbitrarily determined the future and ruined everything out of jealousy toward my closest friend, deserve to feel this happy?

My friend is still nowhere to be found.

Misfortune always follows wherever I exist. The sense of despair has engulfed those around me as well.

When will the day come when I can purely rejoice and rest comfortably?

…Why am I thinking about this while eating?

Suppressing a sigh that was about to escape, I finished my meal a bit quickly.

*

Being in the room makes me feel restless.

Perhaps the biggest reason is Jihye’s presence.

It’s not that Jihye bothers me. It’s just that I feel uneasy because of the way she keeps staring at me, as if she knows I’ll disappear somewhere if she takes her eyes off me even for a moment.

Moreover, whenever I try to do something, Jihye keeps trying to help, which makes it worse.

After waking up from a good sleep, the first thing I checked was this room. Since this is where Jihye and I live, it’s full of my belongings.

Whether the clothes in the closet had been damaged by those intruders from last time.

If they had become unusable, I wouldn’t have clothes to lend to the kids—

“Jieun.”

Seeing me check the closet, Hayun seemed to realize something and called my name, gently placing her hand on my shoulder.

“Don’t worry. We can get clothes.”

“…Huh?”

Only after hearing those words did I remember that we’re in Seoul.

Right. Since we’re in Seoul, we can just buy clothes if we have money. Given the situation, it might be difficult for us to go around shopping, but at least deliveries are still working.

Even though the magical girls are away from home, I don’t think they have absolutely no money for personal use.

No matter what, the Federation wouldn’t have made these kids work without any compensation.

“That’s right. Don’t worry too much. If not your clothes, I have mine too!”

With Jihye chiming in from the side, I nodded.

After that, wondering how to spend the time, I thought of examining the CDs on the desk.

“Ah…”

As I started looking at the desk, Jihye let out a regretful sound.

“Sorry, Jieun. That’s…”

“It’s not your fault.”

I said while examining the cracked and broken CD cases.

Yes, the mess that had been made in this room was absolutely not Jihye’s fault. It was those trash people’s fault.

How scared she must have been, staying here alone. Jihye had done her best to clean up the room that had become a disaster area. Many items weren’t in good condition, but seeing these things still on my desk shows she made quite an effort.

I turned on the CD player.

Fortunately, it doesn’t seem to be broken.

Or did Jihye fix this too?

I picked up one of the CDs.

The mood wasn’t right for overly cheerful music, but I didn’t want to listen to something depressing either, so I inserted a moderately upbeat classical CD.

The CD surface was a bit scratched, but it still played properly.

After putting on the music, I sat on the floor.

In the room were me, Jihye, and all the magical girls including Hayun. It would be hard to find an emptier room in the orphanage.

But it didn’t seem right to have them sleep in a non-bedroom area, so we all ended up staying in this room for a while.

…At this point, I’m not worried about much. I’m only slightly concerned that Jihye might feel uncomfortable with the other children, but these are all kids I’ve lived with for a long time.

When I flopped down on the floor, Jihye also lay down beside me.

The others, who had been blankly watching us, starting with Hayun, lay down one by one.

“Is this how you usually rested?”

“Well, yeah.”

Sometimes we would watch videos on our phones or browse the internet, but more often than not, we rested like this, listening to music.

Lying on the floor, basking in the sunlight with our whole bodies…

I think I understand why Jihye said it was “like a scene from a movie.” The atmosphere doesn’t quite work with so many people in the room.

“When we didn’t have homework or exam studying to do, we were relaxed.”

For a while, we all quietly listened to the music.

…So, the talks with the government people are over. From tomorrow… what should I do?

They say the scariest moment is when you realize your life choices are in your own hands. What I’m feeling now is somewhat like that.

What choice should I make?

No, are there even any choices?

“…Tomorrow, should I go to school?”

At my words, I heard the sound of everyone turning to look at me.

“We can’t just do nothing like this. I’m also curious about our situation at school.”

I… felt a bit regretful. Honestly, I had worked so hard to improve my grades. Though I had never beaten Hayun.

I went to that school because of Hayun, and I maintained the highest grades possible because I wanted to prevent others from saying anything when I was next to Hayun. More precisely, I wanted to have at least one thing that made me better than those who approached Hayun recklessly.

Perhaps I was suffering from that much inferiority. The person that I am.

It was hard to find anything good about that school, but it was still the result of my efforts.

So, I wanted to attend school until the end. Even if the current me couldn’t maintain those grades anymore.

“…Yes, let’s do that.”

Hayun quietly agreed.

I closed my mouth again. My words alone had probably made the children’s minds complicated enough. I didn’t want to give them more to think about.

It wasn’t even nine o’clock yet. Having taken a good nap, I honestly wasn’t very sleepy.

But there wasn’t anything particular to do either, so we just listened to the music for a long time in that state.

“This is what I gave you as a gift.”

“…Yes.”

When Hayun suddenly spoke as if she just remembered, I answered softly.

Hayun didn’t say anything more than that.

She just listened with her eyes closed, as if truly enjoying the music.

*

The rooms were a bit scarce, but there were plenty of blankets. Among the young children, there were occasionally those who came here after being abused at home, and they sometimes couldn’t control their bladder at night. Without extra blankets, these children would have nothing left after an accident.

Besides, this is an orphanage. The capacity isn’t always constant. If several more children suddenly arrive, they need to be able to accommodate them.

…It seems they all have parents, but thinking about it this way, well, I can’t say the situation is that different.

We turned off the lights and drew the curtains, but through those old, worn curtains that weren’t blackout curtains, the outside light was quite visible.

But I liked this ambiguous darkness of the room. Maybe it’s because I’ve been looking at it for so long, or maybe it’s because I’m a loser who couldn’t even become a proper villain.

“…”

Feeling a gaze from beside me, I turned to see Jihye lying facing me.

Usually, we rarely slept facing each other.

No, that’s not right.

When we were very young, I think we did. Jihye and I used to sleep facing each other.

Jihye was afraid of the dark. It’s a bit strange that even though we both came from the church together, Jihye was afraid of the dark and I wasn’t, but I don’t want to delve into it.

Did she want to confirm that I was sleeping beside her?

Once, on a stormy night with thunder, Jihye was too scared to fall asleep, so she slept in my arms. Of course, that was when we were very, very young.

“What is it?”

When I turned to face Jihye and asked quietly, she looked at me steadily and answered.

“I want to make sure you’re there.”

Because I might suddenly disappear.

I couldn’t deny those words. If necessary, I probably would have done that.

“…”

Jihye gently moved closer to me.

Normally, that is, when I used to live here, I would have backed away thinking it was a joke.

But now there was no space to retreat. Right behind me, other kids were lying closely packed.

Just like when I met Jihye again earlier, she moved slightly closer to me and nestled into my arms.

Just like in the old days, when Jihye would cling tightly to me when she was scared.

Because of the atmosphere emanating from Jihye, I couldn’t push her away and instead gently stroked her head. It felt a bit awkward since it had been so long. It must have been almost 10 years even in this world?

Jihye’s body was trembling slightly as if she was cold.

I adjusted the position of my head a bit. Jihye had completely moved over to my side and was sharing my pillow. From my view, I could only see the top of Jihye’s head, but I could feel that she had definitely nestled into my arms.

But what I felt for Jihye wasn’t sexual excitement or anything like that.

I just felt sorry for her in my arms.

She’s a child who went through so much emotional pain because of me. While I at least had some power, Jihye was just an ordinary child with nothing like that.

“…Were you scared?”

When I asked quietly, Jihye didn’t answer verbally but just nodded slightly in my arms.

“It’s okay.”

I said while slowly stroking Jihye’s back.

“It’s okay. Now.”

I could feel that Jihye’s trembling had subsided a bit.

And my trembling too.

In the end, I was also gaining so much through Jihye’s presence.

I could smell the familiar shampoo.

We didn’t often embrace like this, but when lying side by side, I could at least smell her scent.

Now I understood why my body had been relaxing and my mind unwinding just by being in this room.

Perhaps on that day, I was just as scared as Jihye.

And even now.

The most frightened person in this room might be me.

Afraid of losing Hayun. Afraid that Hayun with wings would fly far away, leaving me behind.

Afraid of losing Jihye while following Hayun. Afraid of having to leave behind my only family in this world forever.

Without properly deciding either way, I just tried to have everything.

Perhaps I wanted to clip Hayun’s wings to keep her by my side.

Perhaps I saw Jihye as just a past to be left behind.

The thought that these might be my true feelings terrified me. Maybe that’s why I was trembling like this.

…

What, what should I do?

The reason I was able to fall asleep despite such worries was thanks to the warm body heat of Jihye sleeping next to me.