Chapter 10 – The Thing I Most Want to Destroy (1)

Ｒҽαԁ ȯɴ Каț​Ŕε​а​ԁɩηģ​Сαϝҽ

 

I stood alone in the darkness of the library.  

And then, when I was in the room, there was nothing.  

Silence pierced me, whispered to me, called out to me.  

I became lonely.  

But at the same time, I loved that loneliness.  

It was mine alone.  

I looked down at the blade in my hand.  

It was cold, sharp, and strangely warm.  

Perhaps it was because of the blood flowing from my palm.  

And the blood slowly dripped down the blade.  

Foolishly, though the wounds were screaming, I loved the sound.  

So I felt that the pain was more beautiful than anything else.  

I raised the blade again.  

This time, I aimed it at my arm.  

“You’re not enough with this. The pain that will let me reach her again!!!”  

A voice echoed inside me, whispering.  

*Deeper, more. Remember the time you met her. You can do it!!!*  

And I cut myself.  

The sharp sensation piercing through my skin. The pain flared up like fire in an instant, spreading throughout my body.  

“Huh, huh, huh.”  

I took a breath.  

The breath trembled, overwhelming me like drinking pure poison.  

Yet I couldn’t stop.  

“No. When I went to the library, it wasn’t this oppressive. It was… more desperate, more painful. I felt regret, crushing pressure, and the fear of death!!!”  

It wasn’t enough.  

The blade dug deep into my arm, yet I burst into laughter amidst the destruction.  

“No… this isn’t what I want.”  

Blood flowed.  

A pool had already formed on the clean, white tile floor of the hospital room beneath my feet.  

I smiled faintly at the blood.  

It was my blood, proof of my existence, and at the same time, paradoxically, it was defined only by the pain I endured to stay alive.  

I was breaking myself, tearing myself apart.  

And I desperately wanted more of it.  

In the end, the dissatisfaction within me kept driving me.  

My skin screamed.  

*More. More. More.*  

I put down the blade.  

Instead, I clawed at my face with my hand.  

That day at the library, I had felt the fear of death.  

It was hard to describe, but it certainly made me judge myself as being in enough pain to die.  

*If I feel that again… I can go back.*  

Foolishly, both *Lolita* and *Gwangyeom Sonata* were obtained in the same place, through the same actions, but I still had to go through trial and error without properly interpreting them.  

I wanted to paint, and I desperately wanted to see the library again—more precisely, the witch.  

So I locked myself in the house, in the studio.  

I thought that if I did this, I would become more desperate, think of and remember the witch more, and be able to paint her.  

Also, I theorized that the more pain I felt, the more a path to the library would open before me, just like before. And by burning myself, I created a thrill, satisfaction, and unforgettable memories.  

*Drip, drip~*  

The hot, burning blood had already cooled and was dripping onto the floor.  

“Hey, John. And… huh!?”  

As soon as Shuji entered the hospital room, she was startled by all the actions I had taken in pursuit of possibility.  

“What the hell are you doing!!!”  

“What do you think!? I’m making an effort to get closer to her as the one and only Pathos!!!”  

“You’re insane!”  

**Slap!**  

I was slapped.  

Since my skin was almost gone, covered in a mix of blood and pus, and wrapped in medical bandages, blood seeped from the slapped area and soaked the bandage.  

“You crazy bastard… Get a grip!!!”  

“This is me!”  

“That’s not you!!! You’ve been acting weird ever since you started talking about that damn library or whatever, the witch or whatever. You’re unfocused, your breathing is unnaturally ragged, and you’re acting like a madman—!”  

“I’m not a madman!!!”  

I shouted at her with a half-ruined, torn vocal cord.  

“Don’t you get it yet? I’m a newly born being. Pathos. I am Pathos. I’ve almost reached the one who has reached the truth of the world. It’s a bit embarrassing to give myself this title, but I truly believe… I’ve gotten closer.”  

As my eyes trembled with the pain of burning, she sighed and turned her head away.  

“Something’s wrong with you. It’s obvious.”  

“…”  

I thought.  

About what emotion she was feeling right now.  

And I concluded it was ‘jealousy.’  

“I love you.”  

“…What?”  

“I love you!!!”  

I shouted at her again.  

“I love you so much! But I also love the witch. I love her lips, her nose, her ears, her eyes, her hair, her face, her neck, her chest, her arms, her stomach, her thighs, her legs, her feet—I love everything about her!!!”  

“Ah, ah…”  

“I’ll show you through my actions.”  

As I said this, I pulled out the numerous IV needles stuck in my wrist.  

“H-hey!!! Where are you going!?”  

As Shuji shouted in surprise, I turned my head and spoke.  

“Now is the time. The time when I’m close to death, feeling the fear of dying. Do you understand?”  

“…What are you talking about?”  

“Of course…”  

No one will understand.  

So I’ll have to play hard in this pain that only I know.  

No matter how much they point fingers at me.  

I think the witch is more desperate than anything else.  

 

*****  

 

The pain of an artist’s creation was not pain.  

It was a misunderstood, delusional, virtual pain mistaken for the pain given by a wrong and misplaced object of love.  

In other words, the pain didn’t exist; it was just a delusion from the start.  

“Hoo…”  

He exhaled the pain filling his chest, leaning back on a worn-out leather chair that seemed ready to break.  

The air in the room was stifling, and the faint light coming through the gaps in the old curtains cast shadows on the unpleasant painting of the witch hanging on the wall.  

*Clang! Clang!*  

On a metal prison-like train, fully armed mercenaries and people obsessed with money and treasure were riding.  

They were the ones I hired through my paintings.  

And I looked at the framed painting on the desk beside me.  

I slowly ran my right index finger along the edge of the frame containing the first painting filled with love.  

As the filthy, disgusting dust and a bit of mold stuck to my fingerprints, I muttered in a low, irritated tone.  

“Disgusting.”  

This wasn’t directed at the painting, but as if understanding that the imagined pain was directed at the painting, he attacked himself, groaning in pain.  

I caressed the painting of the witch, the closest to her, the one I loved.  

My thumb moved slowly from her eyes, to her face, and then to her lips.  

I had never seen her smile properly, so the smiling expression in the painting was already a miss, but I thought it couldn’t be helped.  

Since I had never seen her natural, thin, and beautiful smile, this was inevitable.  

So, as I looked at the painting of her cherry-like lips that seemed sweet to lick, smiling unnaturally brightly, I couldn’t help but shout inside, *No.*  

The painting was real, but the real being didn’t exist within it.  

It was just a fantasy, a mere collection of paint filled with the simple hope of meeting her in a delusion.  

But if I didn’t relieve myself with even this, I felt like I would break immediately, so he only belittled the painting and didn’t do anything foolish afterward.  

This was the part that showed how much of a foolish artist he was, craving such deceptive pain.  

“This smile doesn’t belong to this world. She… she doesn’t belong to this world. The library is hers, and she is the library’s. I want her!!!”  

He closed his eyes and took slow, deep breaths.  

After drinking heavily, I tried to control my body, which couldn’t stop moaning from excitement and love.  

Now, during the ceasefire of the war, when everything was at its quietest, was the perfect time.  

I felt a thrilling sensation, like electricity running through my body, and to suppress the excitement, I rushed toward the window.  

“Ahhh!!!!”  

*Crash~!*  

As I slammed my head against the window, the sound of breaking glass echoed, and part of my forehead and head were torn.  

Yet the thrill didn’t stop, so I wanted to release the excitement.  

But the thrilling breathing caused by the excitement only gnawed at my mind more, making me feel an even greater thrill.  

“Um… employer?”  

Sirius, the captain of the Alpha Legion and the mercenaries, opened the door and asked.  

I wiped the blood flowing from my head and looked at him.  

“What is it?”  

“…We’ve arrived. Yes.”  

“Ah, it’s already that time. The library… can you see it?”  

“Well… about that.”  

He hesitated, clicking his tongue ambiguously.  

“There’s a huge tower-like structure. It’s even bigger and more magnificent than the magic tower in the imperial capital—”  

“That’s it.”  

“I see. Then we’ve arrived.”  

“Oh!!!”  

Finally, good news came, and I trembled, unable to contain my excitement.  

“Let’s go now.”  

She is always just “the witch and the librarian.”  

*Whether she’s a woman or a man!!! I was the first to discover her, the first to want her, and the first to love her!!! All the obstacles will sink into the ground. Forever!!!*  

I had to experiment.  

To see what would happen to the beings inside if I tried to kill her.  

Hiring mercenaries was a good choice for this.  

Soon, the train stopped, and after walking for five minutes, we arrived in front of the huge tower. The pain in my entire body began to scream.  

“I… have to open it. Yes, I’ll do it. Witch…”  

“Hmm… this feels uneasy.”  

As the mercenary captain turned to look at his subordinates, I quietly tried to open the library door.  

*No. Think about it. If the qualifications were given and the door was allowed to open, it means she’s very weak now…*  

I knew better than anyone that the witch wasn’t someone who would be easily defeated.  

So I thought.  

“Break the door and go in.”  

“Huh? W-what are you—”  

*Clink, clink~*  

I pulled out a pouch filled with more gold coins from my pocket.  

“Bonus payment.”  

“…Ahem, you didn’t have to, but… Mages!!!”  

At his shout, the mages poured their magic toward the door.  

Immediately, the door was shattered as I expected, and the mercenaries all entered the library.  

At the same time, I could quietly watch the scene from outside.  

And the thrill rose.