April 28 (Thursday) Ayase Saki

● April

28

(Thursday) Saki Ayase

The university lecture room was a quiet space where the dry sound of the instructor writing on the blackboard echoed rhythmically. The steady rhythm was almost hypnotic, and the letters that appeared seemed like mere white shadows, vanishing into thin air as soon as they emerged from the edges.

My hand, writing notes, felt unsteady, as if it lacked a core.

Child. Kid. Kodomo. Children.

The words that sprang to mind from my conversation with my mother that day kept reverberating in my head.

If you love each other and get married, it’s a natural progression, right? I thought I understood that.

But when I confronted that reality, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a shapeless anxiety, as if I had been thrown into an unknown world.

What does it mean to get married? What does it mean to become a family? To have children—my thoughts circled around these questions, moving back and forth from the front of my mind to the back, from right to left. Before I knew it, I had been thinking about it for a long time.

It’s mostly my mother’s fault.

That day, after discussing the topic of having children with Asamura-kun, my mother leaned in and whispered softly to me.

“Saki. In two years, you’ll reach the age when I was pregnant with you. So, I think that day will come sooner than you expect, no matter who the partner is. I promise that both Taichi and I will absolutely bless you. Just believe that.”

The moment she said it, my mind went blank.

Because the way she said it made it sound as if she was certain that the person I was thinking of was someone who wouldn’t be blessed. Although she spoke as if she was already aware of it, I felt it was safe to consider it confirmed. The fact that she specifically mentioned “Taichi” meant she was undoubtedly assuming that my partner was Asamura-kun—my brother-in-law Yuuta.

My mother is sharp, after all. I might not be able to lie anymore.

Thinking that, I tried to say, “I… with Asamura-kun,” leaning forward. Just before I could finish, my mother placed her index finger in front of my lips, stopping me right at the “A” of “Asamura-kun.”

“I’m not interrogating you.”

My mother smiled and said that.

“I just wanted to convey that your choice is free, and we will bless you. Until that day truly comes, I won’t ask. Cherish this time and take your time nurturing your love.”

It felt as if she could see right through everything, yet she didn’t say anything definitive.

It felt unfair.

But I also thought, maybe this is the kindness of adulthood.

I had always believed that it was important to show each other our hands and negotiate, that this was what it meant to be an adult.

However, the world isn’t always neatly divided into black and white. The act of negotiating isn’t necessarily correct in every case.

The suggestion to negotiate could become a message that says, “I won’t trust you unless you bare your soul.” Sometimes, it imposes a significant mental burden on the other person, akin to a cold declaration that one has no intention of being close beyond what is written in a contract.

My mother’s communication, which deliberately leaves the contract ambiguous, seemed to stem from a place of unconditional love.

On top of that, her addressing me alone might be her love and strictness as a mother.

What to do with him, now that I’ve received my mother’s words. “Saki, take the lead and think.”

A sharp sound from the blackboard snapped me back to reality.

I must focus.

I’ve heard countless stories of once-promising students who fell from grace during their four years at university and couldn’t become excellent members of society. I firmly admonished myself that this lack of concentration could accumulate and lead to a downfall.

Yet, it seemed that temptations of the devil were everywhere in university.

“That guy I met on MatchApp yesterday was seriously amazing! He was tall and had a solid chest!”

“Right? Older guys are the best!”

“Ugh. I want to stick with younger guys, but… if it’s just for fun, older is fine too!”

Caught up in the intense discussions about romantic relationships between Kyouka-san and Matsu-san at the campus café terrace during the break between lectures, I was forced to confront these thoughts.

My mother’s talk about “having children” was a serious and important topic that related to future life. Yet, the casual conversations of my peers treated the same act as something fleeting and light. Even though it was the same act, why was it treated so differently? And how was I supposed to face that?

Still, talking with Kyouka-san made me realize once again the power of words.

The gravity of definitions, or the pull of prejudice, or perhaps the binding force of names.

I couldn’t keep up with most of the sexual conversations, merely offering vague responses, yet because of the preconceived notion of “Gal Master” constructed in Kyouka-san’s mind, no matter how many slips I made, I went completely unnoticed.

Definitions, prejudices, names—they all hold that kind of power.

Who am I…?

By the time I finished my lectures and was heading home, the sky had taken on a reddish hue. The remnants of the cold that lingered until March had faded, and I walked toward the station, stifling a yawn in the pleasantly warm air. Oh no, I thought, straightening my back. How careless it would be to show a relaxed demeanor outdoors. Even though I had begun to think that merely being armed wasn’t enough, I didn’t want to appear too soft on the outside.

I took the Yamanote Line to Daikanyama and transferred to the Tokyu Line. Exiting from the Hachiko exit, I crossed the scramble intersection toward the building where my part-time bookstore job was located. I had grown quite accustomed to this series of movements.

That life would end today and the day after tomorrow.

The hours spent at a workplace where I had already decided to quit felt strangely different from usual. It wasn’t the same as a refreshing feeling, nor was it quite a sense of loneliness. It felt as if I no longer existed there, yet I was being shown a little more of a world without me… as if I were drifting like a ghost.

Today’s shift was with Asamura-kun and Kozono Erina-san. Watching the two of them work, I absentmindedly thought about how I would be the only one disappearing from here next month.

Has Kozono-san changed a bit?

She had always been fashionable, but now it seemed like she exuded a kind of allure that came from within, making her seem a little more mature, or perhaps even more attractive. She looked like she was radiating pheromones. I wasn’t sure if she really was, though.

Maybe it was because she was now a second-year high school student. The middle school vibe had completely vanished.

Not only was she more alluring, but she was also quite polished in her part-time job.

Thanks to excellent mentors like Shiori-san and Asamura-kun, her customer service and inquiry responses were perfect. Recently, there had been many international customers, and it seemed she was good at English, likely due to attending an international high school, allowing her to handle inquiries without needing to call an employee.

Impressive. She’s really on top of things.

I glanced over at Asamura-kun. He was folding paper book covers, focused on his work while keeping an eye out for any approaching customers. I felt relieved that he didn’t seem to be enamored with Kozono-san.

“Hm? Is something wrong?”

“Oh, no, nothing.”

He noticed my gaze.

I quickly tried to brush it off, but I wondered if he had sensed that something was off with me.

Should I come up with an excuse? As I pondered, “Ah,” Asamura-kun let out a sound.

His gaze was directed not at me but slightly elsewhere.

Oh no, a customer! I thought, quickly turning around.

“Ah, Fujinami-san.”

“Hey.”

A tall woman who appeared suddenly made me flinch slightly as she waved her hand lightly in front of her chest.

She began conversing with Asamura-kun over the register counter.

“It’s been a while. Are you still working here after moving on to higher education? …Oh, no, I mean, how’s your higher education going?”

“I’m fine. I passed my first-choice school.”

“I see. Then we can talk without any reservations.”

“And you, Fujinami-san?”

“I passed too. I’m going to the law department at Waseda.”

“Yay,” she said in a voice devoid of excitement, doing a half-hearted double peace sign. I couldn’t quite tell if she was being playful or serious, light-hearted or earnest.

…Huh? Wait, I feel like I’ve seen this girl somewhere before.

I searched my memory. A tall girl who looked like a model. Her hair was black, and her hairstyle seemed effortlessly neat, as if she hadn’t spent much time on it, and her outfit was simple. But the glasses she wore had an elegant frame, and it was clear she chose designs and colors that suited her body type and impression, revealing a hidden sense of style. I felt like I had seen someone like her before…

Oh, I realized.

It was the day I waited for Asamura-kun in front of the prep school because I wanted to go home with him. I remembered seeing her come out of the prep school and thinking she was beautiful.

Fujinami-san, huh.

I see, so this is the “girl friend I often talk to at the prep school.”

…Hmm. I see. Hmmm…

At first glance, she might seem plain, but that was just an act; in reality, she had striking features, and I could see the holes in her ears where she must have worn earrings in the past. No, the fact that the holes weren’t closed meant she might still wear them occasionally. Perhaps she dressed more boldly on weekends, just being subdued on weekdays. Due to her height, or perhaps because her eyes behind the glasses had a sharpness to them, she had an aura that made those around her stand a little straighter, even though she didn’t act intimidating.

I felt a twinge of frustration.

It wasn’t that her existence had been hidden from me, but I hadn’t expected her to be this beautiful. Moreover, there was something about her that felt different from Shiori-san and Kozono-san, a kind of frustration that I could only feel toward her.

I couldn’t quite put it into words, but… yes, that’s it. It felt like she was a little similar to me.

If I were to become a romantic interest, she might be one too. I thought that way, even though I knew Asamura-kun wasn’t the type to do anything inappropriate. I trusted him, but still…

While they were conversing, I focused on folding the paper covers, trying not to look in their direction.

Since we didn’t share any mutual acquaintances, I didn’t feel bold enough to join their conversation.

“By the way, Ayase-san. Is now a good time?”

“…What?”

I was startled by the sudden address and surprised by the coldness of my own response.

What am I doing? I shouldn’t show my displeasure so obviously.

“This is Fujinami-san. I think you’ve talked before, right? The friend from the prep school.”

“Oh, the one…”

I had already sensed it, but I said it with a face that conveyed I hadn’t been thinking about that at all.

“And this is Ayase-san.”

“I had a feeling it was you.”

Fujinami-san said that casually.

I bit my lip in frustration.

She had approached the register counter and, while conversing with Asamura-kun, seemed to recognize me and anticipated my thoughts. Compared to my forced bravado, she was so relaxed and genuine.

I felt a little embarrassed, realizing the smallness of my own character.

“Nice to meet you, I’m Fujinami Naho. The ‘Fu’ from ‘Fujinami’ and ‘Naho’ from ‘Naho.’ Summer, and for the sale, Fujinami Naho.”

“Summer… sale…?”

I pictured the bright red and yellow stickers on discounted items.

“I mean, not the selling side, but the sticking side of the sale.”

“The sticking side… huh? Wait, what…?”

Having just thought of stickers, I completely lost track of the kanji.

“…Didn’t that make sense? I was confident that this self-introduction would be memorable, but I guess I need more training.”

“Oh, no, I’m sorry. I’m just not very perceptive…”

I felt a bit flustered as she bowed her head.

What is this strange sensation?

It was different from Shiori-san’s light humor. She was a type I had never encountered before, and I had no idea how to respond correctly.

The jealousy that had been budding within me slipped away.

“I suppose it’s not good to chat too long while working. I should get going… Oh, I’ll buy this.”

“Oh, yes. Welcome.”

The book she held (it seemed to be about politics or international relations. Isn’t she in law school, though? Why not a law-related book?) was placed on the register counter, and I switched into customer service mode.

“Would you like a book cover?”

“Ah, yes, please.”

“Certainly.”

“I’ll help, Ayase-san.”

“Thank you, Asamura-kun.”

Beep, beep, beep, as I scanned the barcode, and after finishing scanning the book, I handed it to Asamura-kun. He swiftly and skillfully put a cover on it with a gentle touch, as if it were a soft feather.

The payment was made using a smartphone’s electronic money. It felt surreal that something as timeless as a physical book, which hadn’t changed in years, was being purchased in the latest way. I wouldn’t have even thought about it if Asamura-kun and Shiori-san hadn’t mentioned it, but now I found myself thinking it was a bit surreal.

Fujinami-san held her smartphone up to pay with an expression that didn’t change, as natural as if she were buying a bottle of tea at a convenience store, which made me think even more so.

After finishing her shopping, Fujinami-san waved lightly and bowed, walking out with a gait that made me worry about whether her back was really straight.

Just then, Kozono-san, who had been out on the sales floor, returned. She whispered behind us at the register counter.

“Did you just see that really tall person? Wait, do you guys know her?”

“Asamura-kun’s friend,” I replied.

“Hey? Your way of speaking seems a bit… different.”

Do you think I have a sharp edge? No, that’s not it. There’s no reason for jealousy.

“You’re quite beautiful, with a model’s figure… Yuta-senpai… Seriously?”

“No, no, that’s not it.”

Asamura-kun, relentlessly accused by Kozono-san, denied it with a bewildered expression. His demeanor was so pitiful, far from being smart, that it oddly made me like him more, and I couldn’t help but burst out laughing.

“Ayase-san? Uh, why are you laughing?”

“Nothing at all.”

“Huh…?”

Yes, it’s really nothing.

If Asamura-kun were truly an insincere guy, involved in some inappropriate relationship with Fujinami-san or someone else, that would be a different story. But I trust him; I was just feeling a twinge of jealousy over a trivial incident in our daily lives, not genuinely anxious.

This was merely playful banter. If I were to feel anxious, it would be about what lies ahead.

So this laughter isn’t mockery directed at Asamura-kun.

It’s mockery of myself.

Am I going to be okay? That’s the laughter. Because it’s true. It’s almost laughable how ridiculous it is to feel jealous of Fujinami-san, who was introduced to me so openly, when I think about what my life will be like starting next month.

The day after tomorrow will be my last day at my part-time job. The time I share with Asamura-kun will definitely decrease.

The part-time job has ended.

Today, just like any other day, I was walking alongside Asamura-kun on our usual path.

The way home was the same as always, but it felt a bit different from the scenery I had seen during high school.

First, the time was different.

Since April began, my shifts had been from 6 or 7 PM (depending on when university classes ended) until midnight. In high school, due to regulations, I had to leave the store by 10 PM, but now that I was free from those constraints, we could stroll through Shibuya at midnight without a care. Not that we intended to go out partying, though.

Shibuya after midnight looked completely different from how it did around 9 PM. The level of safety seemed to drop a notch; the presence of sober people was overshadowed by those who had been drinking. Moreover, by the time the last train had left, there were hardly any decent folks left, so the remaining crowd inevitably consisted of those who, to put it bluntly, seemed a bit sketchy. The conversations around us were noticeably louder.

There was one more significant change.

Asamura-kun wasn’t pushing his bicycle.

Not long ago, I had asked him why. It turned out that a major reason was that there was nowhere to park it.

In high school, there were designated spots at school and at the prep school. Near my part-time job, there was a place where you could park for free for up to two hours, though after that, it was paid.

However, now that we were in university, if he parked at a paid bicycle lot near the station, he would incur charges until his classes ended and then again after his part-time job.

Even though nothing had changed about his commute or my own, Asamura-kun’s way of going home had completely transformed.

I couldn’t help but think how much could change with just a slight shift in lifestyle.

…What will happen to me?

Even the same streets of Shibuya felt different between 9 PM and midnight, and Asamura-kun’s behavior had drastically changed just by moving from high school to university.

As for me, I’m quitting my bookstore job and starting an internship somewhere completely different. My daily rhythm, the scenery I see, everything will change.

I feel anxious. And while feeling anxious, I also realize how much I’ve relied on him until now. Spending time with Asamura-kun, with Yuta Asamura.

How have I managed not to become unhinged, being so jealous and dependent? It’s because I had so much time with Yuta Asamura in front of me, nurturing a comfortable affection that felt like soaking in warm water, satisfied with our gentle and mundane relationship.

That world will end after tomorrow.

The environment where we shared so much time together will be destroyed, and what begins anew will be a world where it’s hard to see what each of us is doing.

How does Asamura-kun work with Kozono-san at the part-time job? What kind of conversations do they have?

Does Shiori-san ever drop by that bookstore?

And what about Fujinami-san? All of these things will become completely invisible to me.

Well, I suppose that’s normal, and if someone were to say that most couples experience this, I wouldn’t have a retort. I understand that much. It’s not good to overly restrict a partner’s life; being possessive is definitely not okay. I know that without needing to be told.

And then I remember my mother’s words. The refrain begins again.

What does it mean to get married? What does it mean to become a family? To have children—

“Are you okay?”

My spiraling thoughts were cut off by a gentle voice.

Thank you, Asamura-kun. I can express my gratitude in my heart.

“Yeah. It’s nothing.”

Before I knew it, I had put on a brave, cool facade and said that, as if rejecting kindness.