25 – Ballpoint Pen Refill (2)

The water flowing over her body was reddish. Lily blankly opened her eyes as the water cascaded down.

In the mirror directly in front of her, she saw a naked, red-haired woman. It was long past the time to ask, “Who are you?” but she still asked herself every time she looked.

Who are you? Where did Yunsu Hong go, and why is a red-haired woman named Lily in the mirror?

She had never answered that question. She knew that it wasn’t a question she asked to find an answer.

Then why do you ask it? Lily didn’t know. She just had the thought every time she looked in the mirror. It didn’t really mean anything.

…Really?

“Or what if it does?”

Lily muttered blankly at the question that had popped into her head. With a squeak, she turned the lever, and the water stopped.

She gathered her hair and squeezed out the water, then used a towel hanging near the exit to remove the remaining moisture before drying her body with another towel.

It was incredibly natural, as if it weren’t a lie that she had been a man five months ago. Lily threw the used towel into the hamper and walked out into the changing room. There, an unexpected person was waiting.

“…What are you doing here?”

“Are you done washing?”

Gray-haired Sora Baek asked with her usual expressionless face. Lily nodded and picked up a hair dryer.

With a whir, warm air brushed through her hair.

“Didn’t Yujin Ryu come with you?”

“No. She’s helping Hayoon Kim with Seona Kim.”

“Always so nice.”

Of course, it wasn’t the first time Yujin Ryu had done something like that. Even before the older ones were all discharged into society, taking care of the new recruits was almost entirely her responsibility.

It wasn’t like someone told her to. Yujin Ryu always moved first before anyone could say anything, to help the recruits who were denying reality and trying to escape to adapt quickly. Most of them only obeyed after being severely punished by the instructors.

Was it her nature, or had she changed since coming here? Lily wondered, looking at Sora Baek in the mirror.

Come to think of it, Sora Baek had changed the most out of the three of them. She used to cry a lot. From the first day, after being dragged out by Instructor Ha as the designated person, she cried throughout the workday, which drew a lot of attention from the instructors.

Tears were a woman’s weapon, but here, they were just a weakness. On the contrary, she was often violated even more fiercely because they said her crying face was appealing.

As that happened repeatedly, Sora Baek gradually stopped crying. At the same time, she hardly ever smiled anymore.

As she was thinking that, she felt warmth embracing her from behind. Sora Baek, who had been sitting, had come up and hugged her from behind.

Lily put down the hair dryer she had been using and asked,

“Why?”

“Why did you do that to Hayoon? You weren’t going to.”

Sora Baek was right. At first, she had just thought about giving her a fist massage whenever she was stressed, or maybe even gang-raping her like she had been. She hadn’t intended to draw blood like this.

But she couldn’t stand it. The way she was so scared and crying after just a little training, the way she had fallen so low that she didn’t seem like the Instructor Ha she knew.

“…I was just annoyed.”

“Should I comfort you?”

“Comfort?”

“Yeah, comfort.”

She saw the hand that had been hugging her stomach from behind slowly moving up towards her chest.

“Geez, is that why you were waiting for me?”

“I won’t if you don’t want me to.”

“I didn’t say I didn’t want you to, did I?”

Lily couldn’t help but smile as she felt the faint sound of laughter tickling her neck from behind.

It wasn’t long before the sound of a woman’s moans began to echo in the changing room.

“Hayoon, are you okay?”

She didn’t look okay, but that was all she could say. Hayoon nodded and wiped away tears with her palm at the sight of Jin Siwon cautiously approaching and asking.

“But what are we going to do? We can’t send you to Instructor Choi in this state…”

The wounds would heal with time. But even if the wounds healed, they couldn’t stop Hayoon from going to Instructor Choi. The instructor’s orders were absolute, and they couldn’t be changed just because a trainee wanted them to.

At Seona Kim’s words, Jin Siwon sighed and said,

“I hate to say it, but Lily is right. No one can go in your place. Not for instructor duty.”

It would be lucky if someone went in her place and didn’t get hurt along with her. Jin Siwon could say that because she had been severely punished for doing something like that for Sohyeon Shin.

But Seona Kim said with a determined face.

“Then, it’s okay if I go with her, right?”

“…Instructor Choi is the worst. Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

Of course, she wouldn’t be okay. She knew very well what Hayoon had gone through in Instructor Choi’s sex education. She had even gone to release her from confinement.

“I’m scared too. But I can’t send Hayoon alone when she’s shaking like this.”

“Oh, geez…”

Jin Siwon shook her head.

“I hate to say it, but why are you protecting Hayoon so much?”

She was just a simp who was attracted to Hayoon, but objectively speaking, she was not someone who was easy to be kind to.

She was stubborn, didn’t hesitate to look down on people, and casually cursed. Moreover, she had even been an instructor at this training center before, so she was bound to incur the animosity of the trainees who had suffered at the hands of the instructors.

Seona Kim was protecting Hayoon even though she knew all that. Jin Siwon couldn’t understand it.

“She’s a classmate. We have to help each other.”

“This place runs like the military, but there’s no real class system, you know?”

“I know. But Hayoon was the first person to reach out to me here.”

“…She was?”

She didn’t seem like that kind of person. Seona Kim smiled awkwardly at that look. Of course, as Jin Siwon said, all of those acts of help were violent.

She would grab her hair to make her move, or curse and scold her. But as a result, they were all actions taken to prevent her from suffering even greater violence.

She had been badly beaten because she didn’t understand and couldn’t follow her. Seona Kim said, stroking her nose, which had been crooked until yesterday,

“So, even if other people criticize Hayoon, I can’t.”

“…I guarantee you guys will be having sex every break in a few weeks.”

“W-What are you saying!”

Seona Kim shouted, blushing at those words, and Jin Siwon chuckled and got up.

“Well, do whatever you want. I don’t know if it’s a good way or a bad way. I should get going too.”

“Ah, you were called by Instructor Gan too…”

“Yeah. It’s going to be a very painful night.”

She shuddered once as if she was disgusted just thinking about it, then turned her head and looked at Seona Kim.

“And don’t call me Jin Siwon. It’s too formal.”

“Oh, then…”

“Just call me Siwon comfortably. And don’t use honorifics. Everyone here uses informal speech anyway, so it’s weird that you’re the only one using honorifics.”

“It’s a habit, so I can’t help it…”

“Anyway, use informal speech from tomorrow. I’m going.”

“Ah, okay. See you tomorrow.”

Seona Kim, who had seen off Jin Siwon as she walked listlessly towards the infirmary where Instructor Gan was, turned her head and looked at Hayoon, who was pursing her lips.

“Shall we take a little walk?”

“…Walk?”

“I was thinking it would be better to get some fresh air before going in.”

She didn’t know exactly how long the instructor duty would last, but it was clear that once she went in, she would have to stay in a closed room for a very long time.

So, she wanted to breathe in some fresh air, even if just for a moment. Either way, she would only go after her wounds had healed.

Hayoon thought for a moment at Seona Kim’s suggestion, then nodded. She also preferred to be outside rather than in this stuffy building right now.

The passage to the outside wasn’t far, so the two of them quickly went outside. The wind felt chilly as it was still early spring night. But thanks to that, the heat rising from the wound on her shoulder felt a little relieved.

The two of them walked across the sandy parade ground in silence for a while.

Only two days. It had only been that long since she had left the city and come to the training center built in the mountains, but she already missed the city. To be exact, she missed the time when she was a man living in the city.

Hayoon felt a strange impulse as she looked at the wide-open main gate.

The only thing guarding the main gate was a CCTV camera. The moment she went out while it was open, the CCTV would recognize it and immediately contact the instructors.

Then, they would quickly report it to the police and track her down using the GPS built into her identification tag.

She knew that, but Hayoon felt like she wanted to go out that gate. If she just went out there, she would be able to see the lights of the distant city.

Of course, she knew very well how futile it was. The trainees who had tried to escape from the training center and been caught all had bad endings.

No matter how much she wanted to die, she didn’t want to commit suicide like that. She would rather live than suffer until the moment of her death.

“The air is definitely cleaner since it’s in the mountains.”

“…I guess.”

But was living like this really better than dying?

Hayoon thought as she answered Seona Kim. Dying was scary. But living like this was just as painful as dying.

If she had just given in from the beginning, this wouldn’t have happened.

But she couldn’t. She had lived like that until now, so how could a person change in an instant?

As she was thinking that, she felt warmth holding her hand. She turned her head and saw Seona Kim smiling as she raised her hand.

“Doesn’t it feel a little warmer even though it’s cold like this?”

Indeed, it felt like her body was getting warmer just from holding hands and sharing warmth. Even though the cool wind was brushing past her body.

Hayoon stared blankly at her and muttered in an absurd voice.

“…Are you stupid? If it’s cold, we can just go inside.”

“Ehh, are you saying that here?”

Seona Kim said as if she was disappointed, but Hayoon sniffed and avoided her gaze.

Still, she had to say this. She thought so and said softly.

“Thanks for helping me.”

“Huh?”

“Thanks for helping me. Thanks for bandaging me up and for standing up to Lily for me!”

Hayoon’s ears were red. Whether it was from the cold or from embarrassment, Seona Kim blinked for a moment and then said with a smile.

“You’re welcome.”

Damn it, you’re making me say embarrassing things twice.

Hayoon grumbled and avoided Seona Kim’s warm gaze.