193. Filming (5)

Ever since I was young, I’ve lived a life full of praise.

I was a well-rounded child loved by everyone, and I naturally thought that was the right way to live.

Because I wanted more praise from my teacher.

Hoping my friends would think I was amazing.

I grew up as a quiet and upright child without causing trouble, then I seized an opportunity that allowed me to be even prouder of myself.

And the result?

I was currently being choked by my unnie’s boyfriend.

“….”

Ptooey, the spit I spat out couldn’t even reach his face.

How did it end up like this?

I definitely grew up straight and narrow without ever deviating.

Until I moved out, I diligently went to church as my dad told me to.

Ah, could it be that stopping church after I started being an idol was the mistake?

…That’s ridiculous.

If there were a god, the world wouldn’t be this cynical.

“Why bring up the shoulder?”

“…Other than that, I don’t think I did anything wrong.”

Honestly, I don’t even know if that was my fault.

All I did was… tell my dad that the man currently on top of me had a dirty private life.

It was entirely my dad’s decision to kick him off the team.

Since he was a player who would be sent to another team anyway, it was the then-coach’s decision to exploit him while he was still on the team.

How much of the blame falls on me?

Besides, looking at what you’re doing now, it wasn’t entirely wrong, was it?

“…You have no idea what kind of life I’ve lived since this got ruined.”

“Well. I think I know enough. Weren’t you living a debauched life, fooling around with my unnie and cheating with Hinami… Hkk….”

“Shut up.”

Shedding all pretense and hypocrisy, Kang Joo-hyuk returned to his previous state, the one where he tried to rape me, and choked my neck with eyes full of rage.

As soon as I stopped talking, he eased the pressure so I could breathe, but his grip was a warning: speak again, and he’d finish it.

Staring daggers at the furious him, I let out a sneer without letting the venom leave my eyes.

“…What’s so funny?”

Unafraid of his threats, I continued.

I relentlessly mocked him without stopping.

Until the rage filling his head became laughable.

I let out a silent snort, then stretched out my arm and placed my hand on his left shoulder.

“It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? …That you’re doing this to me, not my dad or the coach.”

“….”

Even though it’s covered by his t-shirt, there must be a scar underneath.

A long scar left from surgery, and a small scar I added on top of it.

Just how deep must that scar be for him to do this to me?

Is he trying to do the same thing to me that he did to my unnie?

But I’m not my unnie.

I’d rather die than fall in love with him like my unnie did.

“Does it feel satisfying to lay hands on the daughter instead? …You already ruined my unnie. You must be getting excited thinking about ruining me too, huh?”

“…Why are you so desperate to be cursed out?”

“…I’m already getting cursed to death online anyway. Getting a little more from you won’t hurt any more than that.”

He looked at me, provoking him, with genuine bewilderment and let out a hollow laugh.

Maybe he doesn’t even know what he’s so furious about.

It seems excessive to act like this just because he quit baseball. He’s already living pretty well.

Getting revenge on my unnie should have been enough; there was no need to touch me too.

Why does someone who gets everything he wants need to put me under him too?

Is it because I’m a pretty and attractive woman?

…If that logic held true, every man in the world would be like Kang Joo-hyuk.

But that’s not the case.

“Hey, Seo Jia.”

“…If you’re not planning a crime, get lost. If you’re going to choke me to death, do it now.”

“Where did the girl who was trembling so much last time go? What’s making you so annoyed that you’ve lost all fear and are acting like this?”

“Like I said. I have nothing to lose.”

“…If you truly had nothing to lose, you shouldn’t have wiped your face clean earlier.”

“I did the same thing you did. …You kept the explicit videos to yourself and laughed secretly, and I posted the photos anonymously and laughed secretly. That should be enough, why give people more reason to curse me out?”

With a look of exhaustion at my answer, he looked down at me and placed his thick hand on my chest.

The touch felt more painful than lewd, and I frowned uncomfortably, causing him to furrow his brows as well.

“…Are you going to rape me now? Yeah, I wondered why you hadn’t yet. You must have found it so fun watching me tremble before you? Since I wasn’t reacting, you decided to escalate.”

“I’m not. …What fun would it be to fuck you?”

“If you’re not going to do it, get lost already. I want to sleep.”

“Do you want to be taken by me that badly?”

“…Don’t you think that sounds strange even as you say it?”

What woman in the world actually likes being raped?

Besides, if you want to be raped, can it even be called rape?

I gave a full-throated snort at his ridiculous words. He removed his hand from my chest, clutched his forehead, got off me, and sat down on the edge of the bed.

Then he picked up the liquor bottle he’d put down, gulped it down, let out a deep sigh, and clamped his mouth shut.

How many minutes passed with only the sound of his exhaling?

No matter how I thought about it, he showed no signs of leaving, so I broke the silence first, got up, and nudged him.

“…If you’re not going to do anything, I told you to leave. Right here.”

“What do you want me to do to you that you keep pushing me?”

“I don’t want you to do anything to me. …It’s you who wants to do something, isn’t it? Why are you asking me?”

“….”

It was always him who harbored malice towards me.

I have no reason or anything left to mess with him.

Whatever I do, I don’t want him interfering.

Whether I continue living as an idol hiding my true feelings, or return to being a civilian and live whatever life…

The very fact that he intrudes on my life is unpleasant.

But I couldn’t just shake him off.

He already holds too many of my weaknesses in his hands.

If he were to force himself on me… I probably wouldn’t be able to resist.

Honestly, I fucking hate it.

It’s disgusting.

I didn’t want to be subjected to that kind of man.

…But the moment I show that outwardly.

I knew he would become even more interested in me.

“You can do whatever you want since I can’t report you anyway. Just do as you please. And when you get bored, please leave. Just please.”

“….”

After all, I’m a fucking boring woman.

Maybe if he could just vent all the unpleasant feelings piled up inside him, he’d eventually get bored of me.

Honestly, even I think Hinami is much better, right?

Why should I be bothered by a man who has no reason to love me?

Even if he did claim to love me, I have absolutely no intention of accepting it.

“If you thought I’d be afraid of you forever, you’re mistaken. Please, just do one thing or the other now, whether you keep your promise or break it. …I’m actually more afraid of ordinary people walking down the street now.”

“…Was getting cursed out online that stressful for you?”

“Well. It was a little more annoying than you being here in my house right now, but…”

“Right. Seeing a rigid girl like you doing something like an ‘sexting’ thing, I guess it makes sense.”

Completely losing his cool at my nonchalant bluff, seemingly losing interest, he got up from his spot.

He turned off the light, plunging the room into darkness.

Then he climbed onto the bed and started taking off his clothes one by one.

“…So you were going to do this after all.”

“If I leave you alone, you might cut your wrists, so what am I supposed to do?”

“Uh, what kind of strange misunderstanding…?”

“Think about what you’ve been rambling about. …What, nothing to lose? It’s okay to be raped? Would someone with a sane head say things like that?”

“What do you mean….”

As he took off his clothes, Kang Joo-hyuk suddenly started spouting strange nonsense, which even caught me off guard.

Either he’d get completely bored of me and leave, or he’d explode from the pent-up rage.

I naturally thought it would be one of the two.

Stunned by this neither-here-nor-there outcome, I struggled to push him off me.

But he was damn heavy and impossible to shake off. After taking off all his clothes, he placed his hand on my neck.

“I’m not doing this because I like you either. …It’s because if your mental state shatters and you go crazy and die, Hinami and Haeun will be screwed.”

“Who’s going to die, exactly? Do I look like someone who’d die just from getting some hate comments?”

“The girl who cried buckets fearing rape and then sucked my dick is suddenly saying do whatever you want, rape me or not. If your brain doesn’t process that, are you even human?”

“….”

…It was quite disgusting hearing a beast speak like a human.

But what he was saying actually made sense, so I couldn’t refute it.

Of course, I’ve never even considered suicide.

But if I accidentally slipped and died, wouldn’t people assume I committed suicide?

“…I have absolutely no intention of doing that. Calm down for a moment.”

“Why. …Are you scared now because you really think you’re going to be raped?”

“It’s not fear, it’s because you’re misunderstanding right now….”

But I didn’t want to be raped by him for that reason.

In the first place, I wanted him to get bored of me, not pay attention to me.

But, naturally, isn’t it obvious?

Because I’m too great a woman.

Because I’m the flawless idol Seo Jia.

That’s why he’s interested in me, so if that breaks, then he won’t…

“Mistakes can happen. …You made a mistake about me too, didn’t you?”

“…What?”

“You mistook me for trash, and that’s how I became trash. …I can also mistake you for a pitiful girl whose mental state shattered and is trying to kill herself. Right?”

“….”

I shouldn’t even care.

Why is he.

Smiling even more gleefully than before.

Looking down at me with eyes filled with ecstasy.

Me, who hates him from head to toe.

What on earth does he like about me?