166. Reversal (5)

Receiving that kind of look from the friend I was closest to in my life was a truly horrific and bizarre experience.

I wanted to swat away those eyes, but I couldn’t.

The moment I ran away from here, Hinami would look at me forever, twisted.

“…Say something.”

I wasn’t tearing up.

Neither was Hinami.

At Hinami’s words urging me to say something, I just clamped my mouth shut and stared.

I didn’t know where things had gone wrong, nor how my friend, who clearly had followed a similar life path, had become so twisted in her common sense.

I’d known about it since she was fooling around with my sister and me.

The more I felt it directly, the more my chest tightened.

“Hoo…”

I pushed beer down my tight chest and let out a deep sigh.

This wasn’t a matter of whether Kang Joo-hyuk liked me or hated me.

If she loved him, she could just hang out with him alone. If she hated me, she could keep her distance. So why insist on tying me and him together in the same space?

Does she genuinely want me to become one of the women Kang Joo-hyuk keeps around?

…What meaning could that possibly have for you.

I could at least understand my sister.

Even though it was frustrating enough to drive me crazy, I could at least accept her being jealous of me.

What on earth do you want from me?

“…Are you crazy?”

“…Yeah.”

I could no longer look at Hinami, who answered so plainly to such an honest question, with rational eyes.

Is this how it feels when you see an acquaintance lost in a cult?

Our ways of thinking were so different that I felt an instinctive revulsion.

It wasn’t like it was because of our nationalities; I’d never felt awkward with Hinami just because she was Japanese during all the time we’d spent together.

The more I looked into my friend’s eyes, completely consumed by madness, the further our distance grew.

“I’m doing this job because I’m crazy. …I can’t do it unless I’m crazy.”

Her eyes, filled with madness, even seemed to overflow with feelings of injustice and pain.

…Things you can’t do unless you’re crazy.

It wasn’t that I hadn’t found it difficult enough to go crazy, but until you became like this, I’d never found it so hard that I wanted to quit.

“And what’s wrong with going crazy? …Isn’t it okay to just work hard even if you’re crazy? Greeting those annoying old men diligently. Always shaking hands and giving autographs to pot-bellied fans. Being treated like a sex toy by men every day with pictures taken of my thighs and chest. Getting cursed to death by other idol fans for acting cute. …But I endured it all and worked hard, right? Can’t I enjoy my life now?”

“…You think I’m any different?”

“That’s why I’m telling you, Jia. …Stop acting all aloof by yourself and don’t think about quitting now.”

I had never acted aloof.

I had definitely considered quitting, but I never had the courage to quit in the first place.

If I had that courage, I would have gotten rid of Kang Joo-hyuk first.

The reason I was here doing this was entirely because I lacked the courage to quit.

No matter how much Kang Joo-hyuk threatened and coaxed me, if I had the courage to give up, I could have ignored him.

I was dragged here because I ultimately couldn’t give up the name ‘Seo Jia’.

“…What would you do if I quit?”

“I’ll quit too. …If you leave, who will sing?”

“You can sing it. You have a good voice.”

“Ahaha, you’re teasing me now, right? You? Telling me?”

Even though you completely own the name ‘Hinami’ as your own.

What’s making you so dissatisfied that you’re yelling at me like this?

…If we talked just the two of us, maybe you’d listen seriously.

“You’re good at jokes. I thought they were fucking unfunny.”

“Really? I thought you were fucking slacking off too. That you’d run away the moment you got a chance to quit being an idol. …I never imagined you’d work this hard.”

“Yeah. I thought so too. I was planning to quit anytime I got the chance. …But when someone else started trying to run before me, it suddenly felt like a huge waste. It’s a job where you get all the curses but also all the money, fame, and popularity.”

“You offered all your money, fame, and popularity to one man, and now you regret it?”

If he hadn’t taken me in his car and dragged me here.

…If she hadn’t handed over her leash to a man and started barking like a dog.

“I didn’t give him everything. What did I offer Joo-hyuk oppa?”

“Everything. …Right now, you probably think you only gave him your body. Don’t you realize that if he threatens you anytime, all your money, fame, and popularity will be flushed down the drain?”

“Why? Why do you think they’d be flushed? …Do you think I’ll be ruined if oppa gets tired of me and disappointed, and releases sex tapes or whatever?”

“Then that…”

“I won’t be ruined by that. I was already getting cursed long ago. I was already suffering sexual harassment long ago. …I can just earn money the same way now, by taking revealing photos. Nothing will change, right?”

“…Crazy bitch.”

While tearing down her own profession like this.

…If she hadn’t belittled herself this much.

I might have been able to listen seriously.

“And, …meeting oppa is all thanks to you, isn’t it? If you hadn’t made oppa retire, would I have even had a chance to meet him?”

“What are you talking about all of a sudden?”

“Why are you pretending not to know? …You asked Dad to kick oppa out of the team because his private life was dirty, right? I heard it all from unnie? You said it was your fault oppa got hurt too?”

…While criticizing my only friend this much.

If she hadn’t taken his side instead of mine.

“Why is it my fault that person got hurt? …What could I, a mere high schooler, possibly do to hurt him?”

“Ah, you said you don’t know much about baseball, Jia. …When someone uses their shoulder that much, it usually gets ruined. If you hadn’t told your dad nonsense, he wouldn’t have used it that much.”

“…Is it okay to threaten someone and try to rape them for a reason like that?”

“That ‘reason like that’ is pretty funny, Jia. …If Joo-hyuk oppa spread rumors to your agency, and you worked until your ankle broke, retiring in just a year, would you just accept it and move on?”

“…”

Making ridiculous comparisons.

If she hadn’t tried to burden me, who had done nothing wrong, with guilt.

“Why did you do that to someone you didn’t even know? What did unnie say? …But Haeun unnie apologized to oppa back then, saying she was wrong, and now they’re on good terms.”

“That’s just unnie being weird. It’s not common sense to fall for the person who raped you…”

“If we’re talking common sense, isn’t it weirder that oppa hasn’t taken revenge on the woman who ruined his life and is just leaving her be? If oppa were the piece of shit you think he is, he would have gone after you first…”

“He threatened someone, forced them to perform oral sex, and used them as he pleased, and you call that leaving them be?”

“He was leaving her be, yes. If you hadn’t picked a fight. …You were the one who called oppa over to your place back then. Why did you do it? Even lying that the manager was coming?”

“How could you possibly know…”

“Back then, oppa called me over and suddenly went upstairs, saying he couldn’t help it because of the manager. But the manager was caught in the parking lot. …Unnie isn’t involved, so she wouldn’t know, but you think I wouldn’t?”

“…”

Knowing everything.

If she hadn’t pretended not to know.

“Did you get jealous hearing unnie and oppa having sex?”

“Don’t talk bullshit.”

“Then why did you lie to call oppa over, when he was perfectly fine hanging out with unnie?”

“…So if some random guy barges into my house and has sex loud enough for me to hear, should I just watch?”

“Ah, so you couldn’t stand seeing that. You deliberately called oppa over to entice him into playing with you?”

“Hey…!

…Me.

If she hadn’t spouted that bullshit about being jealous of unnie.

I wouldn’t have had to grab the front of my unbuttoned pajamas with both hands, stand up, and look down at you.

“…Why are you angry? Is it true? Were you really mad at unnie and trying to seduce oppa?”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“Then why did you bring oppa into your house?”

“…Because it was fucked up.”

“What was?”

“Some random guy barges into my sister’s house. Sits there like he owns the place. …Then he fucks you too, and doesn’t leave even when I tell him to get lost. Can’t I want to mess with him?”

“…Now you’re finally being a bit honest.”

…That day.

My dark feelings that I had forgotten.

I could have avoided thinking about them ever again.

“You ruined oppa first, Jia. You brought him into your house first. …You tried to hurt oppa first. Right?”

“…What’s wrong with that? He’s someone who ruined unnie’s life and is trying to ruin yours too. What’s wrong with getting rid of a pest?”

“How was his life ruined? …Isn’t he doing better than ever? He went from a couch potato to a well-paid YouTuber. My popularity also increased after meeting oppa. More importantly, I would have died long ago if it weren’t for oppa?”

“…”

“He saved two lives, so is it really so bad if he takes some sexy photos and sleeps around? Are you judging him because you’re so moral?”

I couldn’t say I was a moral person even if you ripped my mouth open.

…Because I was already corrupted by the entertainment industry, a woman who had lost her conscience.

I wished for anyone who stood in my way to disappear, and indeed, several did.

I even sent my former manager to prison, thinking it would be better if he just disappeared rather than becoming a media sensation, and he truly vanished.

Instead of bringing Kang Joo-hyuk to justice legally, I planned to use everyone around him to find his weaknesses and shut him up.

“…Still, I’m better than Kang Joo-hyuk.”

…But still.

I didn’t want to hear that I was better than Kang Joo-hyuk for reasons like that.

No matter how twisted I might be, I wasn’t worse than Kang Joo-hyuk.

“…My fans would be disappointed if they heard what you said.”

“Is that something you should be saying?”

“Who knows? My fans are mostly fucking perverted masochists, so many would probably love it if I let them hear me fucking oppa?”

I’m not a more screwed-up idol than you, Hinami.

If it were anyone else lecturing me, maybe.

But from you, I don’t want to hear that.

“Why is it so noisy? Are you two fighting?”

“Ah, oppa…”

“Why are you dressed so casually? Are you drunk?”

“Ahaha…”

…As soon as I saw Kang Joo-hyuk stumbling in now.

To you, who quickly put on a mask and acted cute and nice.

“You seem to have finished at least one can of beer. If you’re drunk, go sleep in the next room. I’ll sleep downstairs.”

“Yes.”

“…”

I absolutely didn’t want to lose.

Just like that day when I felt like I would go crazy if I didn’t destroy our relationship.

You, with your mask off, begging pathetically.

I wanted to laugh my ass off.

…No matter what it took.