126. Secret Account (2)

Since that day.

Nothing much had changed.

On the surface, I kept diligently fulfilling my schedule.

And once I got back, I’d immediately collapse and just fiddle with my phone.

However, by cutting down on game time…

…Something I’d avoided for years.

I dipped my toes into ego-searching.

“…Haa.”

This was the first time in my life I’d seen comments this explicit.

The worst hate comments I’d seen before were just comments on news articles.

Sexual harassment was limited to what was posted on fancam videos, at best.

But diving headfirst into the abyss and watching the conversation unfold was beyond ridiculous.

It was enough to make that guy seem perfectly normal, no joke.

Someone posted my picture under a ridiculous comment saying, ‘What would you do with a sister like this every night?’, and seeing replies like ‘Make her my niece right away’ or ‘Gonna beat her up’ pour in made me laugh out of sheer disbelief.

At least the people fighting with Hwang Soo-ah yesterday had a clear objective; what was the purpose of these people?

Driven by pure curiosity, I left a comment without logging in, asking what the hell they were doing, but strangely, my comment was pushed down to the next page without any reaction.

That irked me a bit, so I upped the ante slightly and posted a short comment: ‘What are you perverted bastards doing?’

But still, no one responded, and as I was about to raise the stakes further and curse them out…

…after typing ‘The level of these fucking idiots,’ a wave of patheticness washed over me, and I just stopped.

…What’s the point of fighting with these kinds of people?

There’s no winning or losing.

There was only one way to shut these crazy bastards up on the internet.

Just like she did last time.

Show them they were on a different level as humans, so they couldn’t even open their mouths.

It wasn’t impossible for me either.

In fact, it was easier.

All it took was uploading one picture.

The only problem was, unlike her, I was too famous.

“….”

…So I.

On my secret account with zero followers.

Completely meaningless, I secretly uploaded a picture just of my hand.

There wasn’t a single soul to see it.

And even if someone saw it, they wouldn’t know who I was.

Just like she did yesterday,

I gave the middle finger.

“Ha…, haha…”

The view count remained at zero, but I slipped that picture in amongst the comments slandering and crudely tearing me down.

A feeling similar to the euphoria I felt that day grew stronger in my chest.

…This is fun.

My mind, which had been suffocated and driving me crazy since I learned about that guy’s situation, felt surprisingly at ease.

I finally understood how someone must have felt shouting ‘The king has donkey ears!’ into the bamboo forest.

Patting my chest, now much lighter, I posted a message in my own private bamboo forest where no one could see.

-You fucking losers, please shower

…Absolutely.

Words I could never utter out loud.

Every time, at every fan meeting.

Every time I signed autographs.

Every time I shook hands, the words I thought.

Throwing those words, which I’d never told anyone, into the bamboo forest.

I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest.

Covered by my blanket, I finally slept soundly for the first time in weeks.

Just as much as I don’t know you guys.

You guys.

Can’t possibly imagine this is me.

**

…I feel like I’m gonna die.

Partly because I went too hard last weekend.

And partly because of the backlash from starting work again after a break.

Most of all, the constant stress of not knowing when the landlady might try something was beyond imagination.

She definitely snooped around, even crawling into my room to check my computer, so I thought she’d do something.

But even if I stayed quiet for a few days because I was sick, it was strange that she hadn’t said anything after a week.

It almost felt like her goal was just to annoy me and get on my nerves.

“Are you okay?”

“Just a little tired.”

“…Then lift your head just a bit.”

As I slumped onto the sofa, exhausted the moment I got home from work.

Haeun, who had finished showering first, sat beside me, had me lie down on her lap, and gently stroked my forehead.

The soft sensation against my head and the gentle touch on my hair felt nice.

…It was nice because, for this moment, I could stop thinking about everything,

but because of someone who hates this relationship.

I couldn’t enjoy it wholeheartedly.

“…Is your sister okay now?”

“Probably? She hasn’t contacted me.”

Unlike me, Haeun didn’t seem particularly tired, perhaps because she hadn’t been worrying about her sister for a while.

She seemed stress-free.

And she’d become more affectionate.

She was the picture of a healthy life.

…It made me want to just give up on revenge and everything, and settle for a compromise.

Besides, it wasn’t even anything grand enough to be called revenge.

It’s just that… the other party showed their malice, trying to drown me.

I just couldn’t stand there and take it.

“Anyway, Joo-hyuk, if you’re going to wash up, hurry. We need to eat dinner.”

“…Just a little longer like this.”

“What do you mean ‘like this’? Just like this.”

“It means resting while touching thighs.”

“You perverted bastard, really.”

…I don’t know how my life ended up like this.

Not that it’s bad, but… it’s been quite spectacular.

When I debuted, I never thought I’d retire this quickly.

And when I retired, I never imagined I’d be living such a luxurious life.

If I hadn’t gotten injured, I’d probably still be grinding my shoulder, throwing balls for a living.

If I’d just endured that one month, maybe I would have been traded to a popular team, getting both criticism and praise, becoming famous.

…Even though I have no particular complaints about my current life, except for that woman being a nuisance.

The desire to have lived that kind of life still lingers.

My athletic career ended too soon to fully burn out my passion.

It would be a lie to say I wasn’t disappointed.

“Oh, right. Your fans have been increasing lately.”

“On YouTube?”

“No. At the gym. About half the members seem to come just to see you.”

“Nah, no way.”

I missed the life of being praised by fans.

This was a desire that they, no matter how hard they tried, couldn’t fulfill.

The roar of hundreds, thousands of spectators chanting my name, going wild for me.

The tens of thousands booing me, only to be frustrated by a single pitch from me – all of it was enjoyable.

Even an idol like Hinami probably doesn’t know the thrill of the latter.

Perhaps my perverted desires became this twisted because of those experiences.

Rewatching videos of batters striking out miserably and falling into despair against me,

I’d laugh at those who cursed me.

And gain confidence from those who cheered for me.

Watching videos of me destroying and violating them,

I could freely mock those who would surely curse me if this footage leaked.

And the sense of superiority I felt towards those who envied me.

…felt incredibly refreshing.

…And so.

That woman, who kept trying to destroy me even after all this.

I couldn’t just forgive her and relax.

“…Hey, Joo-hyuk.”

“Yeah?”

“Um, about that… I wanted to ask something I haven’t before, just in case…”

“I don’t have parents.”

“….”

…It was a position I reached almost entirely on my own.

I never even knew who my dad was.

And I couldn’t remember when my mom abandoned me, so this was the result of my efforts to survive.

I realized I was a burden at a very young age and lived trying my best not to displease my maternal uncle.

He wasn’t a bad person, he never harmed me,

but raising the child his sister abandoned must have been quite a hassle.

He didn’t know how to treat me, so he just provided enough money.

Thanks to that, I could play baseball without lacking anything.

“Instead, I lived with my paternal uncle’s family. …I had a cousin sister and a cousin brother too.”

“…And now?”

“We haven’t really been in touch since I became independent.”

Of course, unlike my maternal uncle, my cousins were similar types to me, so I don’t have particularly good memories.

Not many bad memories either, but… not none.

I haven’t seen them in a while, and I probably won’t see them again.

Unless there’s a grand wedding or something.

“…Sorry, I asked something I shouldn’t have.”

“Well. It’s something you needed to know anyway.”

“Yeah…. Right.”

Not many people in this world knew my family history.

At most, a few close seniors.

I didn’t tell my peers or juniors because I didn’t want pity.

And among the women I dated, none were close enough for me to discuss such deep matters.

…So.

Revealing parts of myself I didn’t particularly want to show to a woman.

She was the first.

“Anyway, go wash up. I’ll make dinner.”

“Just a little longer.”

“…Okay.”

The first time I got angry at the club was because of her.

And the first time someone harbored malice towards me while treating me like a fool was also her.

Perhaps,

in a slightly different world, she might have been my first experience too.

We never met, but we were classmates.

If the younger me had known her, I definitely would have made a move.

We might have surprisingly hit it off and started dating at a young age.

Just like how well we match now.

It probably wouldn’t have been much different back then.

“…Seriously. Looking at you like this, you’re all brawn and no brain, like a kid.”

“I find it ridiculous every time you say something like that to me.”

“What?”

“Don’t you always forget how you whine every morning when you wake up?”

“Younger people naturally sleep more in the morning, idiot.”

“Whatever, whiner.”

If that kind of life had existed.

Perhaps she and I could have lived ordinary lives.

I would have taken good care of my shoulder, hit the jackpot with free agency,

and lived a successful player’s life as a franchise player for one team.

She might have become a wonderful wife too.

Well…

…It’s not impossible now, but.